On Display

You tell me that you love me. You tell me that you care. And yet, you stand back a little unnerved by the person that I am.

I state to you that I am in a mood; a mood you ask what does that mean? It means that I am going to be irreverent, flip and with casual disregard, I will ignore you. My sarcasm will have sharp edges, and there are no soft spots to cushion you, only small places you might hide.

I may not be the person that you met, nor the person that you have precieved me to be. I am not all lightness and flowers. There is a dark side to me that you must be willing to embrace.There is a nasty twisted bitch that resides within my soul. She is the blackness that does creep when I start to follow the crazy path to hell.

There are so many facets of me, and not all are defined by the illness I carry. And carry it I do for it is a burden; a yoke around my neck. There is no telling when it will hit. And as I have come to realize, I cannot even count on my own internal diagnosis to counteract the crazy that I become.

And oh hell no is no one going to tell me that I don’t get crazy. Those platitudes do not fly. I look back with clear eyes, mind and heart, and I wonder how do I have a job still? How do my friends still love me? How is it that my brother and mom have not kissed me goodbye? I am so psycho, so unbalanced that I cannot see the sunrise from the sunset.

So as I begin to mend, the medication leveling out my brain, I tease and I taunt. I whiplash you with my tongue to ensure that you can take. And I may find you lacking, I may find that you just to do not stand up to par…..The Crazy, The Me, The Sadness, The Anger, The Regret and all the pain…..they are a part of me here on display.

 

It’s the shortest and most ancient

Last Wednesday as T and me are driving to the dentist we are talking about his lack of reading. And how much it kills me because I am a voracious reader and I just do not understand. He does say to me ‘mom I know that it really bothers you and I do read, just not the way you do.’ Okay so maybe he might be humoring me but as I squinted at him sideways he grinned at me and I could not argue any further.

And than this happened:

‘So mom, you know the Eiffel Tower?’

I am a little confused because he is pronouncing the E like an I and I am not quite sure what he is asking me. So I make him repeat it at least three times before I understand.

‘Do you mean the Eiffel Tower in Paris?’

‘Yeah, I was researching it today. Did you know that it is the shortest building in the world?’

‘Um no buddy it isn’t. It is very tall. I think you might be confused because they give the height in meters.’

‘C’mon mom, I know.’

‘Buddy, no I am sorry. That is not true. It was an amazing creation. A masterpiece of it’s time. In WWII they actually blacked it out during a blitz so the Germans could not find it. I know buddy because I have read about this. There is an amazing book……’

‘So mom, when you win the lottery can we go to Paris? I wanna see the Eiffel Tower.’

‘Sure buddy. And maybe we need to do a little more research so you understand a little better.’

‘Hey mom, did you know in Egypt they have an ancient pyramid.’

And I must be a sucker for punishment. I know that he is 8 and I know that he will garble his facts but my OCD nature and just because the facts must be right, I have to correct him. Hence all the wonderful conversations we have had.

‘So which pyramid are we talking about?’

‘You know mom, that really ancient one.’

‘Um are we talking the Sphinx? The Giza Pyramids? The Valley of Kings?’

Moooooooooom, you know the ancient one.’

So I gave up. I listened to his happy chatter and bit my tongue. I tried not to point out to him that there were a lot of pyramids in Egypt. I ignored his facts on the Eiffel Tower. However he was really excited about the way the workers had to work on platforms that were on the outside of the tower. This is going to require further investigation.

So maybe I should actually consider this a win on the reading front? T might not be interested in reading fiction the way that I am. But he is showing an interest in history. I love history…….but shhhhhhhhh I have a secret, I like all history but Canadian. We are just so boring. LOL This is a starting point and from here I will push him into the deep end and nurture the need to learn about the past.

At least I know now that a trip to Paris and Egypt is on the books should I ever win the lottery.