I am a Weeper

I’m a weeper.
Anyone who knows me in person has seen me weep and those of you on my blog have read many a post about my weeping.
There is a difference between weeping and crying.
Weeping: tending or liable to cry; given to crying.
Crying: demanding attention or remedy; critical; severe:
That is the definitions I found.
With weeping it is the third definition as the other two mention crying.
With crying I went with the first definition.
Odd how the definition of crying does not mention tears at all.
Never mind the menopausal issues arising I still am in sync with a close work partner and mirror her PMS.
Last Saturday I was so bitchy when I it dawned on me and I shot off a text that only other women will truly understand:
Me: Did you get your period yet?
Response: Yeah last night only thing is the raging PMS today.
Me: Me too thank you now I get why I am feeling like this.
When I was PMS’ing or PostMS’ing  I wept.
Watching t.v
Reading.
Talking to just about anyone.
When I began my drift into menopause I realize that I did not weep as much.
Now though as I begin to steamroll my way into menopause I find that I am becoming a weeper again.
I mentioned in one of my Covid posts that I am restricted from looking at the obituaries because I was weeping when I discovered that another customer had passed away.
It is hard.
So many of my seniors no longer come in.
Those who still do I want to hug.
One of my regulars her husband passed away and I had ‘known’ them for 20 years.
I stood and talked with her (weeping) and I wanted to give her a hug so badly but we were on the floor and other customers around.
I love giving hugs.
Hugs are all encompassing.
Hugs make the person know the words you cannot speak.
With hugs I weep.
I feel the person’s emotions and try to draw them away.
Not intentionally but it happens.
I just want them to feel better.
So I weep.
Maybe the weeping is my way of shedding the emotions I am syphoning from others.
The whole start to this was to discuss my growth or what I have viewed as growth.
Instead I meander all over the place about my weeping and empathy.
Yesterday at work I discovered that a friend had been going to school for the last year.
It hurt that I found out from my supervisor and not her but I will get over it.
She did not slight me or neglect to tell me first.
Her own husband told her she was such a jerk not to have told me first.
Was she worried about how I might react?
Subconsciously maybe she did not want to tell me because it made it real?
That she might leave.
Last evening she messaged me about a regular customer who had been wearing masks and then decided not to.
She had just seen him in Wal-mart wearing a mask!
I lol’d and said yeah I had seen him in the store wearing a mask too.
We both wondered what happened.
Did someone talk to him?
Did he receive a fine?
Did he lose his job?
This man was belligerent about wearing the mask.
Stomping through the store and pulling on his mask whining and crying about it.
While 3, 4 and 5 year olds are all around him wearing masks and watching him wondering why he is being a big baby.
That is an aside and meander.
I asked her wtf not telling me she was going to school?
And I did type it as wtf not all spelt out for that would be rude.
Which is when we had that conversation about her being a jerk.
And I told her that she is not a jerk and that I was very happy for her.
She is a friend and if this is something that she has always been interested in she needs to give it a try.
That I support her 100%.
As I wrote those words and as I write them now I am weeping.
I am happy for her.
The sadness I feel is for myself.
For knowing that she will move on and not be there as often.
But as with others in my life this is a cycle.
People come.
People leave.
The situations and the lessons you learned from them may not be apparent but eventually they will.
My co-worker and I started at the same time.
She went on extended Mat leave.
As the lead I re-hired her and promoted her to supervisor.
She was the one who found me in the cash office and went to the hospital with me.
She saved my life that night and I have never told her.
It is going to be hard to let go of her.
She means a lot and we laugh our butts off when we work together.
But I cannot hold her back.
It is my turn to give her strength and courage to go forward.
Like she did for me.
Maybe this post isn’t really about weeping.
Maybe it is more about people who come into your life and leave after they have taught you something.
There is always that main core group of friends in one’s life.
There are always the fringe friends.
And within that orbit move the people who are meant to push you along to another path/level.
We never realize it until after.
I am lucky in that I have warning that she may be leaving.
Okay that she is going to leave.
But without her I would not be the person that I am today.
And I will miss her like hell.
And I am weeping.
©April 8/21
Picture is my own

I am no longer the Dishwasher

Still no lap top.
Am guessing that I am going to have to take it in and have windows reinstalled.
Hopefully that is all that I am going to have to do. 
Anything else is going to have to wait for a bit.
At least until income tax return comes in.
Was looking at my T4 yesterday.
For those elsewhere a T4 contains all my tax information.
How much I made.
How much I paid in taxes.
Needless to say I pay a pretty penny in tax and nearly had a heart attack when I saw what I paid over the year.
I could have put down half the cost on a new vehicle. 
I could have found myself a decent used vehicle and still had money left over.
Years ago I got nailed hard at income tax time.
Actually two years in a row I got hit.
Since then I have been paying about 19.5% per pay which equals into money back at the end of the year.
Why do I do it this way?
Overpaying taxes?
Yes I could easily leave that money and have it in my pocket all year long.
And spent.
When I get my income tax back it becomes a buffer if you will.
Building up my bank account.
And this year I am going to hopefully see even more savings with the fact I am no longer drinking.
My main expense this year is a new couch.
I need one very badly.
Am not sure what I am going to get given that with Covid shopping takes on a new look.
And I would like to know how it feels.
The ones I have seen on line look stiff and uncomfortable.
And I need one that is going to fit both myself and the growing beast.
He already takes up two whole cushions and is beginning to encroach on my cushion.
This passed weekend while at his dad’s a picture of him and his friend was taken.
My child looks like a giant.
He is huge compared to his friend.
Yes he is a solid boy and tall but this is…..
He is huge.
Am looking forward to the end of the day.
This week is a short week given that Monday was a holiday.
Family Day.
Or Louis Riel Day as it is known here in Manitoba.
I have been working since Friday.
As I am full time I have to work my 40 hours a week as it affects my insurance as well.
Sunday we are open for 6 hours thus I must make up 2 extra hours. 
In the past week I have skipped three lunches and two fifteen minute coffee breaks.
The Arctic cold air mass that has settled over us is appearing to move on.
So the weather station has informed us.
Received an alert that the cold weather warning had been lifted.
This morning received an alert that we are going to be seeing cold temperatures in the next 24 hours.
But I live in Manitoba and I have always said that we are a different breed unto ourselves.
And that includes the contradictory weather forecasts.
I have been informed loudly and in no uncertain terms that I am a horrible cat mommy.
I did not realize that T told me he was feeding the cats the last tin of food.
I thought he said there was one tine left. 
Oooooops.
Thank goodness the ex text and said he was stopping for some groceries did I need anything.
He messaged me two minutes out.
I put on my jacket.
Pressed face to window and waited.
As he was driving up I went up the stairs and outside.
As he dug into his pocket for the cat food I started to laugh:
Him: What?
Me: Drive-by Cat Food Buy 
Is it just me?
I thought that was hilarious. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The picture at the top is of my new used apartment dishwasher.
After 30+ years of being the one and only dishwasher I now have one to do it.
The cats are for added amusement.
©Feb. 17/21
Picture is my own