MIA or Adult Childing

I was MIA yesterday.
Not only from writing but from life in general.
There was a ban on social media.
I cheated a little.
There was a ban on news and headlines.
I saw one that really upset me but took deep breath and ignored.
‘Fessed up to a friend who reminded me that I was to ignore all news.
Later on I checked with regards to how many new cases in my province as well as cases in my area.
We are getting our names on the national map.
And not in a good way.
I spent the vast majority of my day playing games on the phone.
Watching Garfield the cartoon as well as Law & Order.
Prime starts with season 10 and ends with season 20.
Will do me for a bit.
A very interesting book I am reading at the moment.
Seven Levels.
Joe Shaunessy.
So far the main character has died and discovered he has been sentenced to the worst level of hell.
His guide/handler is a demon named Aggie.
He takes him through the previous 6 levels to show him what he is missing.
A form of torture.
I am through level 2.
Taking it slow.
This is a hook book.
One that I know I am going to miss when I am done so I read a little bit a night.
Tonight we are taking the elevator down to level 3.
I napped.
I was in a bit of a funk.
Carried over from Tuesday.
Which I am getting to.
It is going to be hard to write.
Sorry side bar here.
Not sure what is going on with Loki but he is acting a fool.
All over me.
Slithering over my arms.
Then stopping like I am going to cradle him.
Gets annoyed when I push him off my lap.
Has finally chilled enough that he is laying next to me.
Not on me.
Back from our short break.
Funk feeling.
Finally passed around 6ish or so.
Cleaned up the kitchen.
Did the dishes.
Felt calmer.
More settled.
Saw that they had redefined the restrictions with regards to outside house socialization.
Where it has gone from single household only it is a limit of no more than 5 people in social circle.
They did a backtrack thankfully.
Now let us go back to Tuesday.
I have been off for the few days.
I knew this.
Not sure what it was that has been holding me in its grip but it is there.
Tuesday started alright.
I mean I was not dancing in the aisles but I was cheerful.
Slowly though the grey feeling crept up.
I could feel it.
At one point I closed for a moment because I felt as though I was going to cry.
Came home for lunch to check on T.
Headed back.
Sat in car and tried to compose myself.
Brushed away some tears.
Took a deep breath and off I went.
And it was ok.
Until it was not.
During the time that I had been on lunch and getting back an announcement had been made.
We were going into Critical or Red zone.
I can still feel that sense of something not right when I get shifted over to a larger till.
Two of the first customers where regulars of mine.
Chatted away.
Was doing well at hiding my need to cry.
Until my 2nd customer told me we were in Code red.
Tears began to seep.
She was horrified.
I kept apologizing to her.
Reassuring her that this had nothing to do with the news itself.
That mentally I was cracking.
Not that I told her that.
I said it was overwhelming.
I had several large orders to put through before I could close down till.
I walked to the smoke shop and broke.
I cried.
I cried hard.
People try their damndest to understand.
They do.
Even my co-workers.
But if you do not do this 40 hours a week (sometimes more if I am shopping and answering questions) it is hard to explain the mental exhaustion.
I do not take the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I do not try to make everyone happy.
However in my job I am a face to the company.
I ‘know’ a lot of our customers.
Cannot walk through store without hello’s and how are you’s.
I am not complaining trying to explain.
I am ‘on’ all the time.
And it does not stop once I am upstairs.
I am still ‘on’ because they are co-workers.
Not confidants.
I cannot be moody.
I cannot be down.
That is not what my customers expect.
Nor is it what I should give them.
But Tuesday.
On my last coffee I bought coffee creamer.
I was snarly.
I went out and sat in my car.
And cried.
And cried.
Then I sucked it up and went back into work.
At 3:32 I called to ask who my replacement was.
At 3:35 the supervisor replaced me.
At 3:35 I clocked out and had my jacket on.
People are standing at CS.
And I did not care.
I looked at the girl who also clocked out and said: I am done. I know this is not nice but I need to get out of here.
I stalked out of the store.
I came home and I have not left.
Well today I will have to.
As I work at 9.
I am enjoying the quiet.
I am settling into my work persona.
I was not okay on Tuesday.
I did not run and hide from these feelings.
I allowed myself to feel them.
I cried.
I came home and T and his best bud cooked supper.
I went to bed early and was woken at 3 a.m. by the fire alarm.
I flew out of bed and was met at the bedroom door by T.
Mom go back to bed. It’s okay. We were hungry and cooking burgers.
Shaking my head.
If there is one thing that I can celebrate about Tuesday.
Despite how I felt.
Despite the tears.
Despite the weight.
I did not drink.
I did not have the desire to drink.
I did not even think that was an option.
No voice trying to cajole me.
No attempts at justification.
Just a deep need to get home make coffee and slip into a zone of adult childing.
You know.
Sitting on the couch watching cartoons sipping coffee playing games adult childing.
We all do it.
I just name it.
Have a terrific Thursday loves.
©Nov. 12/20
Picture is my own.


opaque shadows
skitting across my consciousness,
a scene caught from the corner of my mind.
Wondering if what I see,
what I remember
is the truth?
The fear,
the constant refusal of my mind
to acknowledge what I cannot find,
memories of a time long past.
Black holes exist
and the memories I do carry
are stories repeated
until they have become a steady verse.
Over the edge of the abyss I peer
seeking comfort
seeking the bottom where one cannot exist
holding onto the hope
that things can become
steady and true
and no longer will I have to fear
the ghosts that haunt me.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
 January 29/18
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