Birthday Eve

Today is August 28th. In slightly more than 24 hours I will be 45 years old. I did not actually arrive in the world until 8:20 p.m. so am not “really” 45 ’til than. 

I am looking forward to turning 45. I am not the same woman I was when I turned 44 last year. I am by far a much better and stronger version of her. I have taken my life and where I could have continued along the path of destruction I was on I changed. Slowly at first. But as the changes became good changes, as my outlook and feelings became harmonized and less disjointed I welcomed the changes.

I have documented my cycle of depression and how I had to claw my way back. I have an amazing support group who have been with me since I started on the new journey to me.

A journey that has seen me rise high enough to realize I was in an unhappy marriage and find the strength to leave. To my mistakenly believing all my problems were solved by the dissolution of my marriage and I went off my meds. I began to rely on alcohol to get me through the days. 

My crash, which scared me so badly because I had allowed myself to be tricked into believing I was okay. Our brains are wicked when presenting one with deceptive illusions.

Even after I resumed taking my meds I still continued to self-medicate with alcohol. Finally July 1st I decided to stop. I went six weeks without drinking. And when I did, I woke the next morning disappointed in myself. 

I have had some again but there is a difference. One that I can see and feel. It is no longer a need. There is no desire to negate the feelings I did not want to face. 

So tomorrow I am turning 45. 

 I am eating better. I am sleeping better. I am exercising. I have quit drinking to self-medicate and find that I do not miss it. 

Best of all I am writing again. I am more secure in the voice I have. I am letting those wonderful words combine and emerge like a waterfall from my finger tips. I believe in magic again. 

At 45 I am beginning to emerge from the cocoon of the past. I can see my present but the future….that is a dream still waiting to be dreamed.

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Better Days

Lost in the malestorm

sucked down the eddy

braving bleak thoughts

seeking always that peace.

Knowing that there will be a day;

when the pain,

the angst,

will no longer be in control.

Days when I shall see the sunshine,

hear my own laughter

and not be crippled 

by anxiety and depression.

Those are the goods days.

The ones I cling to.

For when that blackness enshrouds;

I remember that there

will always be 

a better day coming back to me.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 27/17

Shards of Silver

I walk through the greying mists

seeing vague shapes

to the right and left of me.

But when I call out

my voice becomes a mere whisper,

slighter than the flutter,

of a Monarch’s wings.

My tears are but shards of silver

pecking away at my heart

Uncovering hidden losses

and the pain I try to hide.

One day there may be comfort.

One day I may be free.

But until that day I shall fight,

to come back from the albatross

that hangs around my neck.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 26/17

Anxiety

I am feeling smothered.

Smothered with responsibility,

smothered by my own fears,

smothered by this anxiety.

I worry that something will fall,

lost between the cracks.

I worry that I do not love enough,

or show it properly.

I struggle each and every day

to stand strong,

to be the woman that I am;

imperfect and flawed.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

 

 

 

 

I am alright

Each step forward is a struggle.

It feels as though I am wading

wading through life, emotions

without truly connecting.

You ask me if I am okay,

I can see your mouth moving

and I am fairly certain,

certain that I give the standard answer

the one that says ‘I am alright.’

Look a little closer

and you will see;

the tears in my eyes

the fear that I will be discovered as false.

The shattered loneliness I dwell in

all the time.

The black shadows reach forth

capturing me in their fingers

I struggle to break free

only to become submerged again.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 23/17

A little girl

There is a little girl inside of me

one that no one can see

she peers out from her safe place

where the monsters cannot reach.

She hunkers down when the winds blow

singing silly songs and rhymes

trying to still the terror in her heart,

to cleanse her mind.

Flowers adorn the cabin floor

sweet smells to compete with her giggles

for safety is found

in this haven.

There is a little girl inside of me

one that no one can see

she protects that small part of me

that is still innocent

and untouched or sullied.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 21/17

I regret…..

I regret
the years that I wasted
hiding my pain and fears
with addiction.
I regret
time spent hating myself
blaming myself
for mistakes made in the past.
I regret
that it took so long
so very, very long
for me to forgive myself
and let the healing begin.
Melancholy arises
as I stare down paths
that vanish with each regret.
Paths of life undiscovered.
But there is no regret
for the path I did choose,
that path of brambles and thorns,
made me the woman I am today.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Aug. 20/17