Anxiety

I am feeling smothered.

Smothered with responsibility,

smothered by my own fears,

smothered by this anxiety.

I worry that something will fall,

lost between the cracks.

I worry that I do not love enough,

or show it properly.

I struggle each and every day

to stand strong,

to be the woman that I am;

imperfect and flawed.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

 

 

 

 

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I am alright

Each step forward is a struggle.

It feels as though I am wading

wading through life, emotions

without truly connecting.

You ask me if I am okay,

I can see your mouth moving

and I am fairly certain,

certain that I give the standard answer

the one that says ‘I am alright.’

Look a little closer

and you will see;

the tears in my eyes

the fear that I will be discovered as false.

The shattered loneliness I dwell in

all the time.

The black shadows reach forth

capturing me in their fingers

I struggle to break free

only to become submerged again.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 23/17

A little girl

There is a little girl inside of me

one that no one can see

she peers out from her safe place

where the monsters cannot reach.

She hunkers down when the winds blow

singing silly songs and rhymes

trying to still the terror in her heart,

to cleanse her mind.

Flowers adorn the cabin floor

sweet smells to compete with her giggles

for safety is found

in this haven.

There is a little girl inside of me

one that no one can see

she protects that small part of me

that is still innocent

and untouched or sullied.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 21/17

I regret…..

I regret
the years that I wasted
hiding my pain and fears
with addiction.
I regret
time spent hating myself
blaming myself
for mistakes made in the past.
I regret
that it took so long
so very, very long
for me to forgive myself
and let the healing begin.
Melancholy arises
as I stare down paths
that vanish with each regret.
Paths of life undiscovered.
But there is no regret
for the path I did choose,
that path of brambles and thorns,
made me the woman I am today.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Aug. 20/17

Gotcha

One, two

he’s coming for you

three, four

hide behind the door

five, six

let him have his pick

seven, eight

hope the danger abates.

Why does he do this?

Rolling through the darkness

hiding within the shadows,

I know he is there

with teeth bared.

Pulling the covers over my head

is that not what we did as children?

Escape the monsters we stirred

by hiding ourselves?

I want to scream, I want to cry

but I want to be safe

more than anything at all.

One, two

He came for you

Three, four

He looked behind the door

Five, six

he chose to pick

Seven, eight

the danger is great.

There is no escape

when he comes for you.

Hide where you will.

Tremble with fear.

The darkness is coming

for he feels it is time,

time to reap.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 18/17

 

Ugly Cry

Pain

thick black trendles

rend my soul in two.

Pain

lightening strikes my heart

as I curl inwards.

Pain

the anger, the fear,

the hatred, the crude words spoken

and thick tears run down my face,

snot from my nose.

I feel so much

I use to feel so little

using an addiction to blunt the pain.

Ugly cry

body wracked with savage pain

fingers digging into the landscape

to center my being whole.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 17/17

Rabbit Hole

We sat on sun warmed sand

your arms around me

as we watched the fiery sun

dip beneath the depths.

As the full moon

swanned into the sky

brilliant pinpricks of light sparkled above

and I sighed,

lost in contentment.

Never to last,

not in my happiness

blackness soon did creep.

Morose and unable to cope

you stared at me as I laid in the bed

wanting nothing more than for me to return

so we could be as one again.

Lost down the rabbit hole

sucked through this cycle of weeping and despair.

My fingers barely reach above the current

do you see it there?

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 17/17