Wise Boy

Sage advice from Tember after telling him I felt weepy:

Mom it is okay to cry for no reason. Is it a little weird? Yes but do you feel better after crying?

Me: Yes

Then cry mom. And you will feel better.

So I did and I do how did I get so lucky?

Sacrifice I must

This cannot be real.
this cannot be true 
allow me to awaken
from this nightmare.
Pull in close
lock the door
bar the windows
love lives here no more.
Not even willing
not even a chance
that I am willing
to allow myself to live
to allow myself to love
pain
too much to take
burned one too many times.
She blew in during the night
sashaying
hips swaying
lust first filled my veins
I opened the door to let her in.
Talk
talk
talk
I could listen to her forever
her hopes
her dreams
her needs
her desires
suddenly…..
There was…..
there is no turning back.
She has wormed her way under my skin
becoming an oasis
a warm shelter
that I crave
even as I push her away.
This cannot be real.
This cannot be true.
Even as I watch her walk away
I feel her pain.
She walks on
with nary a glance back
so I see not her tears.
She shall never know
my heart rended
I know this is what I must do.
For her.
 
©Nov. 26/19
Picture via Pinterest

Moron me be…..

Come
gather round 
draw near the fire
listen to the tale I will tell.
Lesson learned
myths have been spurned 
this is the lady of legend.
I thought I was smarter
I thought that I could do this
I thought wrong
so it would seem.
Beneath the smile
beneath the laughter
there is a tiny tear
the fabric of my being
torn asunder
never to be fixed more.
I denied you.
I fought you.
I tried to walk away
you called to me
you called my secret name
bringing me to my knees
I crawled back
a frisson of desire
a tightening of loins.
And once had
poof
magic smoke released
pain rips through
screams of rage
I denounce you.
I once was on
stood upon
a keel so even
serenity was my name.
But you
ripped off my mask
bled my eyes
for what
so you could say you did?
©Nov. 4/19
Picture via Pinterst

Rebirth

Lies drip from your lips

believed as the truth

unable to see

the devious nature of yourself.

Believing.

Feeling.

Hearing.

Satin shackles hold you in place

not able to see

you have the ability to be free.

Pull against the bonds of the past

see that the future is hazy

what is realized cannot be unsaid

now is all that exists.

 

I have(n’t) Got This

I guess that I should have known something was up with me. I reset my alarm 5x this morning. From 5, 5:15, 6, 6:30, 7 and finally 7:30. Got up because I had to be at work for 9. And I still have not made my bed. I made coffee took my meds and jumped into the shower. I figured that it was a little bit of the hormones acting up and who knows, maybe tomorrow this will all just seem like a torturous nightmare. I ate breakfast text my good mornings and headed off to work.
I found out that insurance was not going to top up my pay. That with my going back to work 6 hours a day next week, it was considered to be a full return to work. Which means I now have to go back full time much sooner that I thought. For the next two weeks (beginning April 30th) I will work 6 hours and use my holiday time to top me up. 20 hours of holiday time used. And than back full time on May 14th.
I feel completely alienated. Neither staff nor other supervisors seem happy that I am back. And I am feeling it. I am excluded from conversations so I keep myself busy. Yet today it really hit home. Not that I want them inside my real life but I have to work with these people and not a one (I lie one has made me feel that she is glad I am back) has made me feel like I am welcome. I have been fine with it while I am only working 4 hours because it is so easy to go in and leave.
Going in for 8 hours is a totally different story. My boss and I have not even sat down to discuss what I am going to be doing.
After getting the news today, I sucked it up. I plastered a smile on my face and went about my morning. Keeping myself busy, helping customers. Than I went for my break and sent a message to K. Told her what was going to happen and began to cry. Well not cry, but my eyes were leaking. I sucked it up and went upstairs to make sure that I did not look like I had been crying. Than back to work and finished off my shift.
Now though, I cannot stop crying. I do not know that I can do this. I realize that I have no choice in the matter at this point because the company that has been paying for my benefits, is not the company we are now with. So I would have to reapply and I have not been paying into these benefits long enough. I would give anything right now to have someone who would just hold me and let me cry.
I do not know that I am strong enough to withstand this.
I admit that on the way home from the city I wanted to stop and get wine. Right now I want to numb myself so I do not feel afraid. So alone. I won’t because I have more pride in myself than that. I have come this far. And I will be damned if I am going to let a job pull me under. Make me doubt everything that I have worked so hard for.
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will suck it up and plaster a smile on my face. I will pretend that all is well. I will not allow these people to get under my skin. I will not give away my power.
I am a strong and wonderful woman. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am confident. And fuck man, I have got this shit!

I weep…..

**Picture found on Internet**
I weep….
sitting beneath the spreading limbs
of the oak tree
where first we made love.
I weep….
rememberances of our time together
spearing the air before me
as you leave my life.
I weep….
not with regret
not with pain
not with hate
but with sorrow for you.
I weep….
knowing that you shall never understand
the truth that I offered to you
the life that you could have had
if only you would reach.
I weep….
with sadness
for alone you shall be
never knowing
what love offered
unhindered
unfettered
with my own wants and needs.
I weep….
having to whisper goodbye
because no longer
am I able to hold you near.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Sadness

Woke up sad again today. Tears falling. A general sense of lethargy. I am forcing myself to do my exercises even though I am really not in a mood.
When you tell people you are sad most, at least 90% in my experience, mitigate how you feel. There is a full moon. Oh you just need to get out more. Oh yeah so and so feels like that too you should talk to them. So I am going to chose very carefully who I tell.
Also, I have no energy to give to anyone but myself. I am not able to prop you up, hold your hand and be a cheerleader for you. I need to focus that energy on myself. To getting more well so I can go back to my regular day to day living.
When I sit, tears streaming down my face do not assume that I can be made to stop it you offer me chocolate or coffee. I may not even want or be able to talk but listening to you talk to me like I am a child is also not going to do anything for me.
I do not know why I am feeling sad. I do not know why I sit here crying. What I do know is I am exhausted of being there for everyone else and feeling like no one is there for me.
PS: Usually this would be when I would turn to pills to help me to cope with how I am feeling. I do not nor do I have the desire to dull this. I am letting the sadness wash over me and the tears fall. And I will come out stronger for having done so.