Obsession

**Found picture on Internet**
I am a passing shadow
seen from the corner of your eye
ignored.
You pretend not to see me
when I am standing in front of you.
Loving you
dreading you
wishing that you would hold me tight.
I feel you
do you feel me?
Loving
reaching
hating
leaving
cannot let go
do not deny…..
Nothing can batter
nothing can bruise
only arms twined
lips touching
hearts beating
love so true.
I can see it why can’t you?
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Tomorrow is another Day

Today has not been a winning day.
I guess I should have known something was afoot when I took the laundry out of the dryer last night and dumped it on my bed without putting it away or folding it. It is still there. My bed has remained unmade. This morning, I reset the alarm to 5:30 and decided that I did not feel like exercising. I did get ready for work and T and me sat here having our usual morning. And than it began at 8:35 when I told T to get his jacket on.
Another disagreement. I ended up going outside so that I did not begin to yell. I was frustrated about his unwillingness to wear his winter coat to school. He came out and stormed off to the car. In the car he continued ranting that he did not need a jacket. It was not that cold out. And it was too cold for me to walk and meet him after school. It is too puffy. It is too small. Why couldn’t I buy him a spring jacket at least? I than told him that someone may think that I was an unfit mother and call CFS. Which lead to a conversation in which he informed me he would not allow them to take him and there was no way that he was going to another family.
Both of us were irritated when I dropped him off. He did not give me a goodbye kiss. Nor blew me a kiss. But he did tell me that he loved me as he ran off. I watched hoping that he would turn around and blow me my kiss, but no.
I came back home and ate a bowl of cereal before leaving for work.
I am not feeling it. I enjoy talking to the customers and helping them, but I look around and I see how things have slipped. I worked really hard building up our front end. And it has slipped. One of the other supervisors today even told me that they had been letting things slide. I am not wonder woman and I am not riding to the rescue anymore.
This morning before leaving for work, I checked my blood pressure and it was high. 144/93. Which caused me to freak out. Got home from work, and took it again. 143/90. I started to cry. I sent K a frantic message and she told me to calm down. To call my doctor. That it might be possible that I really am not ready to be back at work. I thought that I would make myself lunch and sit down, relaxing. Until I called to make sure that my paperwork for my claim had been filed. And discovered that my hours and earnings were going to have to be submitted before they would top me up. I was calm on the phone but the minute I got off, the tears started to flow.
I know, I know, what the heck was I crying for? It was not as though I could do anything about it. It is a small blip in the steadiness that has been the norm for me lately. I even sent K a message telling her that. But it did not make me feel any better. Even sobbing did not alleviate the sudden sadness that flowed over me. And to make it worse, there was no reason for it. I have dealt with worse and have been alright.
I did end up driving to the school to pick T up. He was right this morning it was too cold for me to walk. I am a bit of a woose tha way. Even as I sat in the car texting with a friend, tears flowed down my face. They would not stop. I shook my head trying to get a grip. I mean I had to walk across the school yard to get T, I couldn’t have tears frozen to my face.
T wanted to go to his friend’s place today but understood when I told him that I had a rough day and wanted him to be at home. He was kind of okay with this but not really. He is 9. Who wants to hang out with their mom when they have friends calling for them. I had held my hand out to him, I think I wanted a flat high five and he grabbed it holding tight. I was explaining about my high blood pressure and work. And maybe just maybe the rejection of my poem, even though I was prepared for it, bothers me a little more than I thought. Suddenly I turned to him and announced that we were going to have lasagna and cheese bread (amazing store made cheesebread) and he laughed at me.
He found it funny that one second I was crying and the next I was excited about supper. We discussed the fact that he needed to plan a bit better for his going over to his friends. I needed to know about it before hand, not when I picked him up. And than I started to cry again and told him that I was sorry, I was not really in the mood to have to deal with people. He looked over at me and said ‘Mom, you are strong. You are very very strong. And you can do this.’
Of course more tears came but they were proud tears. Granted he was trying to make me feel better and we have had a ton of conversations about his not having to do that. But he loves me. And he wants me to remember these things. I looked over at him and asked him what the heck I would do without him.? His answer was that he did not know what either myself or his dad would do without him.
I was talking tonight with a new friend, someone who rapidly has become one of ‘those’ people. She gets me. Even when I am weird. She listens to me as well. Unfortunately for her she is now a part of my tribe whether she wants to be or not. I’ll call her DD. And it has nothing to do with her bra size. As we were talking about her day, she mentioned how she felt that everything that was wrong today would be made right tomorrow. And I began to cry.
Is that not the truth of it? The reality of things? While today I am feeling like I have slipped back 10 or 15 steps come tomorrow, it will be made right.

Pervert

***This is the first poem that I have submitted and been rejected on. I am actually laughing because I would have been more shocked if it had been accepted.***

Madness flies
with rose colored wings
through rainbows and unicorns
flights of fancy 
that ensure my insanity.
Locked in this world
of bright colors and niceness
oh,
such horrid horrid
niceness.
Out of me seeps blackness
vile and evil
a blight upon this fantasy land
turning the good 
into the malignant.
Time and time again
I have tried to run free
time and time again
I have bled 
perverting all that you can see.
Feb. 14/18

Dream

Tears escape
traveling over pale cheeks
lost within this
yet unable to discern why?
Days have been good.
Very very good.
When I feel like this,
lethargic
unable to exercise
I begin to fear.
Fear that after all my hard work
I am falling
back to the beginnng of my time.
That this lovely dream
that I have built
is exactly that,
a dream that I will awaken from.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
March 15/17

Conquering Queen

Yesterday I received a text from the Ex indicating that his S.O. (significant other) was not working and that T could stay the night there. At first I was annoyed. I think I erased my text two before coming up with ‘Whatever T would like is fine with me.’ The reason that I put the choice in T’s hands is that this is his dad’s week with him. So he would see him before work last night and before school this morning. The first time in a long time. And I already knew what the answer would be. I did not hear back so text the Ex after awhile to check on T’s response.  And he said yes, he wanted to stay at his dad’s.
When I saw that single word response to my text my heart ached and I stifled a sob.
Even though the Ex and me share custody of T I have become use to having him here every night. We have a routine. And I get to see him every single day. So not seeing him last night was a kick in the pants. I had planned to see him. I was waiting to hear about his day. Now I had to reorganize my thoughts. Tears welled in my eyes, and there was pain. I decided that I would do the dishes thinking that if I had something to concentrate on it would not pain me so much.
As I stood at the sink, tears overcame me. My eyesight blurred and I gave into the sadness for a minute. And than I did what I do best now I talked to myself.
‘Jay you can feel sad but you need to get use to this. You need to get use to having one week where you are not going to have T. You won’t see him. This is normal. You have become greedy given that you are seeing him every day. Obviously he is going to want to stay at his dad’s, after all it is his week with him.’
I am not saying that I was feeling 100% better but I calmed down. And by the time that I was done the dishes and back on the couch, I had settled. I had come to peace with myself. Or so I thought.
Today as I am exercising I am looking at myself and critically. I am not liking what I see. There are small tweaks here and there that I could make. Where I was a year ago to where I am today is a huge difference. I am not drinking. I am not taking pills. I am working out. I am writing. But today I was not being nice to myself. I looked the wrong way at myself and decided that that was it, no more pizza. No more sweets. I text a friend and said over and over that I knew my thoughts were insane.
And as we text I realize I was being hypercritical of myself. Subconsciously something was at work and I think that I have figured it out.
I was sad yesterday and even though I did not consciously think it, I wondered what I had done wrong. Why did T not want to come spend the night here? Where had I failed that he would stay at his dad’s even when his dad is not home?  I had no control in that situation at all because I had given it all over to T and his decsion.
And my feelings were hurt. I really had thought that T was going to want to come and spend the night here with me. And because I could not admit that to myself the highly critical freak me rose to the occassion. I pushed down what I was feeling. I had cried but I did not say outloud  that I was hurt. Because that was wrong. I should not feel that way.
I am allowed to have feelings. In acknowledging this the critic in me, who was trying to skew my thinking and pull me back into an obsession with my body image, has been kicked to the curb.
This is a huge step for me. Admitting I am allowed to have feelings. Admitting that yes, I was hurt that T chose to stay at his dad’s last night but I understand why he made that choice. T is going to hurt me over and over again. That is what children do. The broader world at large does not exist for them. They are the center of their world and the immediate family is in their orbit. I will never tell T about how much it hurt. I did feel like he was picking his dad over me.
And he was because it is his dad’s week with him.  Just like he would chose to come home to me if this was my week.
Once more T has taught me a lesson. And in doing so he has helped me. I have a body image problem that I am acknowledging for the first time ever. I realized this because I stuffed the emotions down and than looked at myself for little things that I could criticize and than concentrate on fixing. That I could control. Perfect. Nothing is perfect, least of all me. And slowly but surely, all those parts of me, the ones that are not healthy, are becoming absorbed within me.
I saw very quickly what I was doing. This did not take me a week to figure out, a month, hell it did not even take me 24 hours to realize what I was doing and put an end to it. Each time I catch myself exhibiting behaviour that can trip me up I conquer it. That is not to say that it will not appear elsewhere but it is the catching it that is important here. Once caught I can change the way that I think and slowly but surely eliminate the behaviours that can harm me.

Mask Be Gone

Today will be another 2 post day but I will leave the second one for later on. It is a fun filled one about T and me last night.
I need to give credit where credit is due with regards to the posts where I have a lightening strikes moment and insight happens.  All of them, at the very least 99.9% of the time they evolve out of conversations that I am having with friends. They will make a statement or ask a question and suddenly boom there it is. And I talk it out with whomever I am talking to at the moment. The vast majority of them are broken down between two people of whom K is one of.
Today she is going to make cold calls for the company that she is working for. Dropping off flyers/information packets at the business around the area. When in the office for the most part she can go casual. Today though, she was not sure if it would be okay to wear casual or make a better impression if she dressed up. What did I think. And I thought about it.
Sales Person=Professional look=suits/slacks w/dress shirt for men. Pantyhose/skirt/slip/blouse/dress pants/blazer/dress/heels/flats/purse
for women. Damn uncomfortable being dressed up like that all the time. I have done it in the past and best place I have ever worked was for a company that was in production. I was in Customer Service but could handle this because I dealt with the salesmen not actual customers and I  could wear jeans and sweatshrits to work. I was in my glory. (To be honest the first day I started I wore dress pants in and was told I was dressed up too much.)
I explained that that was my definition of a sales person’s dressware and K agreed. She is going to throw her flair into it though and come out looking awesome. I began to think though as we are talking about what facades we put on. We are programmed to think and feel about certain people and careers solely based on how they are dressed.
Ex: A meeting is taking place between 2 competitors with a company. Person A arrives for the meeting casually dressed because he/she knows that the product they are selling is exactly what the companny requires and at a fraction of the cost even with a few bells and whistles thrown in of their competitor. Person B arrives for the meeting in business attire. Their product essentially the same as Person A’s but with extras that the company does not need nor will they ever use. And it costs triple the price. In the end despite the fact that Person A’s product is what they need for a great cost the company choses to go with Person B.
We immediately disregard people if they do not fulfill our preconcieved notions of how they should look. How does one know that the lawyer who wears jeans and tee shirts to the office did not graduate at the top of his law class while the lawyer in the $1000 suits who charges hourly did not? We give so much creedence to how we present ourselves to the world, that we forget who we are.
At work I have a facade. Chipper. Always happy. Smile on my face. Flying around here there and everywhere. Stopping to talk to people. Helping customers find what they need. This is the face that I wear day in and day out, 40 hours a week whether or not I feel like it.
Before Dec. 23rd, my entire being was a facade. I smiled and pretended I was happy. I laughed and talked and tried to be the world’s best problem solver. As I type this I recalled a moment just before that saturday which made me realize how much my facade was me.
I had been helping a customer and chatting away with them. When done I went over to another till to bag for one of my cashiers and her customer. All of us are chatting away and both of them mention that I am always happy. My mask slipped for a brief moment when I admitted that I was not really 100% me. And both of them told me that they never would have known. That I certainly did not show that things were not quite right.
Maybe if I had not been so intent on presenting myself as a strong and capable woman who required no assistance someone might have noticed a little earlier as the cracks began to appear. Maybe if I had been willing to be truthful with myself, I could have, no there is no could have. My facade had become me. I had become my facade.
Now I can look in the mirror and see me. This morning after I put cream on my face and set my glasses on my nose I took a really good look at myself in the mirror. And I saw me. The real me. The one who’s eyes are sparkling, clear, not fogged and drug numbed. I no longer look haggard and tired. I am still sleeping the same but again, there are no drugs at play deadening my sleep. I feel good. My hair is not looking brittle and ready to crack. Nor is it falling out in handfuls any longer. My skin is clearer and smoother as well.
There is another part of me that fell beneath the illusion of my facade and the role I was playing. That was my brain. My brain has been fooled and stupified and drug numbed for so many years I am damn surprised that it still functions. But it is there. With ideas and knowledge and truths that I fought to hide from for so long. I am open to the changes that are tearing down the ugliness that I wore to fool the world and replacing it with me. The real me.
I began thinking this was going to be a random reflection based on what K and me were talking about. Instead it opened my eyes further to the changes that I have wrought both inside and out. I am not going to wear masks any longer. What you see is who I am. I want to be accepted for the person that I am, not the person that society expects me to present to the world at large.

Mixed Bag

I have learned a lot in the last month.
I am still learning.
I am changing.
I am becoming braver.
I am being honest. With myself and others.
I am responsible for my feelings and reactions.
I am working very hard to slow down and think before I speak when I become annoyed with T or for that matter, anybody. This is hard as it is a habit/learned trait that I must consciously break. I will have to carry this technique over into the work place.
I am present. Working very hard to not plan. To not fret over the things that I cannot control.
I am looking after me. No more of this shit putting everyone else first as though they are more important than I am. I will not do that anymore. I do not need to bend over backwards to make people like me.
I am a wonderful woman with a wicked sense of humor, smart as hell and damn sexy. I will not allow anyone to undermine the foundation that I am building beneath me.
My definition of projecting:  Reading a statement and because of something that you fear within yourself, you color a person’s response/words to you with that fear.
Ex. I was explaining to a friend something that I had noticed she had a bad habit of doing. We are intensely honest with one another. After I was done she  thanked me with an exclamation point. I know how dare she be excited and show it with an exclamation point because yes I helped her. Yet I fear that I am going to annoy her because of all my advice and experience. But than I stopped myself and realized what I was doing. I was projecting my fear into her typed words and thought she was being sarcastic. She was not being sarcastic at all. Once I realized that and changed my mind set the fear was gone just like that. Bye bye.
I am learning that once you can recognize what you are doing, you being to pick up on it when you are doing it. Once you are aware that you are doing it you can change how you think, feel and respond. Once you begin twigging to when you start projecting and figure out why, you conquer that fear.
I am a mixed bag of thoughts and ideas.