Sadness

Woke up sad again today. Tears falling. A general sense of lethargy. I am forcing myself to do my exercises even though I am really not in a mood.
When you tell people you are sad most, at least 90% in my experience, mitigate how you feel. There is a full moon. Oh you just need to get out more. Oh yeah so and so feels like that too you should talk to them. So I am going to chose very carefully who I tell.
Also, I have no energy to give to anyone but myself. I am not able to prop you up, hold your hand and be a cheerleader for you. I need to focus that energy on myself. To getting more well so I can go back to my regular day to day living.
When I sit, tears streaming down my face do not assume that I can be made to stop it you offer me chocolate or coffee. I may not even want or be able to talk but listening to you talk to me like I am a child is also not going to do anything for me.
I do not know why I am feeling sad. I do not know why I sit here crying. What I do know is I am exhausted of being there for everyone else and feeling like no one is there for me.
PS: Usually this would be when I would turn to pills to help me to cope with how I am feeling. I do not nor do I have the desire to dull this. I am letting the sadness wash over me and the tears fall. And I will come out stronger for having done so.

Mental Illness

Woke up to a blanket of snow,

crystal clean.

Felt the chill in the air

hoped that today would be better,

more alive.

Wondering,

what I have done to deserve this?

Mired in depression,

buoyed by the high

bouncing and falling so quickly.

No one knows what it is like,

the emotions,

no one even knows how I cope.

Days go by.

Each one is the same

counting the seconds as they pass.

I can only hope that the cycle will break

and that for a time I will be normal.

I am not crazy,

I am not insane.

I am falling without a safety net

never to know what each day brings

lost within this damaged mind.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Written 2003/2004