Plague

In the quiet
sitting with peace
tears fill these eyes
for there have been times
when I have been less
less than.....
the good mother I want to be.....
the friend I strive to be.....
the daughter I failed to be.....
the sister I cannot be.....
I drank.
I drugged.
I lost so much.
My child.
I let him down
so hard 
I am trying to reverse that shame
the guilt I feel
is ever present
even as I push it down.
I have struggled.
Past never truly leaves
its taint
touching all parts of life
bleeding 
carrying into
space of love 
blackening 
joy 
tearing at my soul
images 
dancing behind 
closed eyelids.
Smiles.....
false
painted over
I dream of times before.....
when I was still a little girl
before the ugliness
before the pain
before the shit that made me 
reigned down and destroyed.

©April 9/23

A Little Fuzzy

One of the things that happens when I am in a slump is that my brain does not always work right. I do and say weird things. No rhyme or reason.

Tuesday evening I decided that I did not want to cook.

Tuesday was my worst day.

Never mind the boxes, add in having a fuzzy brain on top of it and you can only imagine what its been like.

Although not this time around but previously, I have been known to stand in front of the swinging doors frustrated that it was not automatically opening. Which it would not, because it is a swinging door!

Tuesday I get home.

I am moving slowly, no energy, puttering putting the few groceries away. Looking after the cats food and litter boxes. Changing. Getting my coffee ready. By the time I sat down it was after 6. And I was exhausted.

Prior to that, this incident occurred.

I was in no mood to cook.

I bought myself a rotisserie chicken for supper. Also means I would have left overs and not have to cook for a couple of days.

I pulled the chicken out of the bag and went to put it into the microwave. Bypassed the microwave and opened the freezer door.

Standing there, hot chicken in one hand, the freezer door in the other, head cocked to the side, I was trying to figure out how I was going to fit the chicken into the freezer. I just wanted to shove it in.

And that is when I remembered, I had a hot chicken and wanted the microwave. Not the freezer.

Fuzzy Brain Alert.

Too make things even better, as I was leaving work yesterday I was telling K how I had to go and get gas because I was almost on empty. Stopped and laughed, I had filled it in the morning before going to work.

Fuzzy Fuzzy Brain Alert.