Endless Time

Hard
no explanation
no words
encompass
emotions fled
tears fall
voiceless
mouth moves
no one
never anyone
hears
caught up
caught behind
false life
pretending glories
mirrored falsities
one upon another
building
lives further
further from truth
further from sanity
further from…..
very 
very 
sad.
Wrapped
wet linens of melancholy
trapped
burgeoning fears
standing on the lip
bizarre mirage
flickering in the future
never
to be found…..
oasis lost.
Sad
truly
truly 
sad.
Wade the depths
sink slowly
beneath
blue waves
float
graceless
eyes wide
tears gather
stars wonder
last breath
time to say good bye
for this sad
it has climbed within
unable to find succor
I want it all to end.
©January 28/21
Picture is my own

A little Surprise…..

Today is the day! I begin my personal grocery shopper roll. As of last night I had 10 orders to process today. Not knowing the size of orders I have no idea how long it is going to take me to get together. But I am so excited.

I knew that we were going to have a small blurb on our local news on-line presence as well as our Facebook page. There is a difference between knowing and scrolling your news feed and suddenly there your face (or half of it) on display for the whole world to see. I got a lot of ‘you’re famous now’ comments on Saturday.

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I really am hoping that having less customer contact/less being ‘on’ all the time is going to help me to revive my lagging mental energy. And I am being honest other than these few aches and pains (wrists and elbows not aching as much this morning) it is mentally that I am struggling.

Not struggling worried about depression I know that I am no where near where I have been in the past. I am medicated lol which sounds funny but I take my anti-depressants faithfully every morning. I know what abyss awaits me were I to quit taking them.

When I say I am struggling it is a general feeling of malaise. Struggling to read. Struggling to write. Struggling to stay connected with others. I have finally begun to walk the walk that I am talk. Setting up boundaries. Expectations of self. Taking responsibility for my actions.

I recently had to step back from a close friend. I love her to death but at the moment the excess of emotional overspill as well as not really knowing who this person is any more I moved a distance back. I had to. The toxicity surrounding her was seeping over into my life and I was stressing. This is boundary setting for me. I can no longer cheerlead for someone who actively works to undermine her worth and self. It is destructive to both of us. We still talk and I am always going to be here. I just need to let her find whatever it is she is looking for.

The other day I found myself in an uncomfortable situation. A sexual one. I was talking with a girl friend when someone made the comment ‘look at all the boobies.’ One boobies is such a stupid ass word. Not even sure who thought it up but ugh. That is aside from the point. I was incredulous. This person is someone with authority in the position they hold in their work place. And I felt ick. When I walked away I felt ick ick ick ick.

Now in the past I would have chuckled uncomfortably and never said anything.  But this time I could not let it pass. If I were to say nothing it makes me as complacent as all those people I have rallied against in my poetry. I would be a part of the problem. Me-a survivor of sexual abuse. And now I am going to be quiet?

In all honesty I went over it a few times in my head. Was I doing the right thing? I worried about what others would think about me if they find out I was the one to say something. Even as I am writing this I started to justify why I said something when I do not even need to. It was said. I felt uncomfortable and it was not the first time.

Before I would have said nothing. I would have let it go. Tucked my head down and been quiet. I cannot do that. And not be truthful to myself. To my ideals. So I stood up for myself. It was hard to say.

There is one bright silver lining in all of this tumult that I am going through. I have not felt overwhelmed. I have not felt a need to cry. Not that I have not been weepy but I have not been emotionally cryie. I know it is not a word I just made it up.

Well that took a rather meandering turn. This was just to be about my becoming a personal shopper for customers today and took a right turn through the maze of my mad mind. He he he he.

Thanks everyone for reading and putting up with my babbling streams of consciousness. I really do write the way that I talk. So if you run screaming from this peek inside the warped and wefted brain of Jay I really don’t blame you. However if you enjoy stick around the ride is just getting started.

Have a Marvelous Monday loves.

©Dec. 7/20