Charred Existence

Pitter patter
I can hear
behind me
subtle shift
one pebble to another
 sharp response
building
 tangible darkness
bleeds from my fingertips.
Running
looking to hide away
to suffer not this pain
 to exhale
to harden this tell tale heart
 cease beating 
for faithless lovers deemed.
Breathe in
breathe out
sweet sorrow rising
 spiraling smoke
curtained twilight
  tears rain.
Reaching out
hands in plaintive plea
tormented by dreams
 carved beneath
ebony charred
 woeful mask.
No lover
no friend
shadowed in corners
 mocking me
hands taken…..withheld
 pushed aside…..
  forever…..
   forgotten.
©March 12/20
Picture via Pinterest

Darkness Recedes

***I am not entirely sure what is setting me off but I am having a lot of different emotions roiling around in me. Of late some of my poetry is about reclamation of self and I apologize if the theme seems tedious. I have been thinking a lot about my breakdown at the end of 2017 and that as well has a bearing on my work. I am doing just fine and am in a great space. I do not want anyone to worry.***
Stretching
reaching for the sky
touch my toes
limber.
In the mirror
a woman I see
where once
I turned my eyes
looking
anywhere but there…..
Witch
Ogre
Booger
ugly I thought I was
no good
not worth
anything
to
anyone.
Crawled
mired in hidden rage
addiction sought
choked with sin
I did not want to die.
I did not know how to ask…..
how to say…..
Strength has left me
I need a hand
no longer this path can I walk.
Bleeding inside
torn to shreds
anyone 
please…..
Tides since turned
phoenix newly risen
glorying in my strength
in my abilities
greeting each day
with thoughts of joy
with thoughts of life.
Every year forward
leaves her behind
broken
battered
child that I was.
No longer carrying blackness.
No longer carrying pain.
No longer does living hurt.
Raise my face to the sun
basking in my gloried return.
©Feb. 25/20
Picture via Pinterest

Absolution of Self

Ever sat
deep pit welling inside
blank eyed stare
sunlight does not penetrate
darkness
no less inkier
than the space I am in.
Trembling
black chasm
right beneath my feet
blinded so
by the roaring voices
pushing out all other thoughts
all other sounds.
Falling
arms spread out
let me go
I hate you
it is my turn
it is my time……..
Vicious
lips drawn in rage
I turn back
face to face
I will battle
I will win
I will never
not ever
fall to my knees
chained by the past
from which
I have broken free.
Bowed head
on my knees
shattered
not beaten
not again shackled
trapped in whirling vortex…..
I am free.
I loosed the beast
roar into the night
fly
my fears
my addictions
my hurts
my angers
leave me……
Absolved.
A babe born anew
a canvas
awaiting
awakening
to the beauty within.
©Feb. 24/20
Picture is my own

Word of the Day Challenge #87-Untitled Poem

This is not in any way shape or form of how I am feeling now.

Black
welling to the surface
vicious
tying me in place
fear holding me
I want to come back
I want to be me
not this wraith you see.
In my mind
a vacuum
roiling
memories
painted scarlet with terror
recalling
half remembered dreams.
Or are they dreams?
Lost
moving listlessly
path before
shrinking
smaller and smaller
head down
I cannot find the sun
I cannot find the warmth
I reach for.
deadly in its recurrence
tearing me down
to the ground
driving me to perfection
if only so I am still useful
so people will still like me.

Cyclical depression can become.
Voices…..
sounding so like your own
chiding
tearing
roaring all your wrongs.
There really is no escape.
There really is no hope.
All I can do is carry on
smile upon my lips
fear upon my heart.
See not my pain…..
See not my terror…..
see only…..
the facade I show.
©Feb. 19/20
Picture is my own

Haunted Darkness

Dark
twisted hallways
buried deep
seen only
when half asleep
memories
of horror
rage
pain
begin to stir
begin to stretch
grave worms clawing to the surface.
Walk in a fugue
diseased mind
any out
any way
running
never sure why
from what
only searching
seeking
escape
haunted nightmares.
Grievous pain
knife wounds
stabbed tip
over
over
over
digging hole
to feel
if only for a while.
Bruised eyes
sleep
in death
in life
monsters wait
demons
vampires
no retreat.
This is life
abused
mistrusted
alone
no friends are near
endless screams
pummel
broken skin
anything to stop feeling
anything to eradicate……
haunted memories.
©Feb. 11/20
Picture is my own

To Be Counted…..

Twisted
dark gloom
shadows gather in corners
tears shed
become rambling roses
thorns jabbing
blood welling
it has all come again.
Circle upon circle
hell upon hell
looking with desperation
screaming with terror
there is no way out
no steps
no chinks in the wall
stand
looking up
wanting to be there
no here…..
in the depths of misery
in the depths of pain
in the depths of self-hatred.
Body used to tempt
drugs to defend
alcohol to bury the memories
driving myself forward
to forget a past
to forget the tortures I faced.
Falling
falling
falling
heart racing
tears falling
non-stop
cannot see
I only know I need this hurting to stop.
Looking back today
upon the journey I have taken
the road that I am still moving forward on
the emotions I feel
allow myself to feel
accepting help from others
accepting that I am important
accepting that I am worthy of love.
The steps taken
long since 
I have stopped counting.
I continue to move along this life of mine
only now
I can enjoy this trip I am on.
©Feb. 2/20
Picture is my own

Silenced Forever

***I feel that I need to preface this: I do not feel like this at all any more. This is a poem that is based upon the feelings that I had back in early 2018 when I was falling apart and rebuilding myself. Although this poem was written today the emotions are not the ones felt today. I am in a beautiful space in my life. Writing. Loving Myself. Parenting. Independence. Being Me. I do not want any of my readers to worry. I am awesome.****

Thorny tears
Wept upon stone gardens
Briared heart
Woven tight
Against intruders
Fingers grip
Mouth tightens
Scream silenced
Hidden in the shadows
Let not the monsters find me
I have run
I have fled
I have finally escaped
My bleeding past
The wraiths that haunt me
Only to be found once more
Haunting voices
Whispered in my ear
Talons dig
Shearing thorns
Straight to frail heart
Mauling
Tearing
Shredding
I fall
Forever manacled
Chains of rusted iron
Rage
Anguish
Never happiness
Some days
I wish my world would end
Nightmares would fade to concrete gray
Fantasies tattered remains
Float away
Awash in nothingness
Silence
Sweet Silence
Blessed be me.
©Jan. 31/20
Picture is my own.