Bleak Moored

Once
(pause, sigh)
I would have felt
drowning
sucked
drawn beneath burgeoning waters
breath held
lungs filled
eyes limpid
sightless
drugs
alcohol
vacuum inside
no where to run
no where to hide.
That once
was my life.
Sea of emotions
swamped
overwhelmed
high
low
no in between
no peace
no serenity
manic laughter
sawing at nerves
reverberates
through tired mind
just want to lie down
just want to let go
just want…..
Strength in spades
I have
powerless
paralyzed with fear
broken
breaking
no longer able to hold
finger tips bleeding
clutching
broken ledge
eating into
poisoned skin
painted cherry smile
even as mouth trembles
down turned.
Fraud
fake
failure
screaming through my mind
turn away from mirrored eyes
pushing down nightmared dreams
pretending
life has meaning.
©Nov. 26/20
Picture is my own

Always Happy? Impossible he Says…..

Yesterday I had a customer tell me that it was impossible for me to always be good. 
That there had to be times when I was down.
Or someone made me mad.
And yes that is true. 
But I am learning to not allow them to consume me.
When I am down I will always come back up. 
I have learned this.
When I get mad yes I vent.
I put them into writing and out into the ether.
And I let go.
 
This is not a new topic for me.
My happiness.
How so new it is too me still.
2 years since working through the trauma that had occurred to me as a child.
2 years since I was miserable all the time.
Unhappy.
Tense.
Anxious.
Sad.
Falling short.
Unimportant.
My list goes on and on.
That is not how I see myself now.
 
I have worked really hard to be where I am today.
This level of alrightness.
This level of contentedness.
This level of me.
I am teary eyed as I am writing this.
Writing those words.
There are days that I know I rock.
There are days that it is understood.
But I am always strong. 
I am always smiling.
I have learned a lot in these last two years.
 
Being present.
 
I use to have everything planned.
To the tee.
I was planning for my retirement.
I had contingency plans for the contingency plans.
I was uptight.
My blood pressure was out of this world.
I was drinking a lot. 
I made Tember cry.
I shy away from remembering those times because they were dark.
(I use the emotions of this time when I write my poems abut depression.
About addiction.
About feeling worthless.)
I was dark.
I was low.
I broke.
And I broke hard.
 
With a lot of hard work and a six month reversion to idiotic behaviour reminiscent of teenhood I changed.
I faced my demons.
I moved from living for the future to living in the present.
I have said this time and time again but in my whole life the best piece of life hack I received was:
Learn that nothing is set and static.
Everything is fluid and changing all the time.
I am responsible for my words/actions in a situation.
I am not responsible for others. 
Except for Tember. 
Him I am responsible for.
In other words roll with the punches as they happen.
I am doing really well with that.
Not perfect but no one ever is so I am not stressing about it.
 
All meandering here.
For those who are really new to my confessions & conversations I write exactly how I speak.
All over the place.
One thing leads to another and I bound after it.
Some days my thoughts are like catching butterflies.
Not really but that line ran through my head and I had to write it down.
Have an image too so who knows…..
See off I go…..
 
My other saving grace?
Learning not to worry/stress over that which I have no control.
Why?
What good is it going to do me?
Is my worry/stress going to fix the problem?
Absolutely not.
Will it give me headaches/backaches/stomach upsets etc?
Damn rights.
I do not worry about it.
Simplistic?
Maybe.
Am I happy?
Oh hell yea so what I do works. 
At least for me.
 
This is me adulting.
This is me being responsible.
Freaks me out a little bit.
Okay a lot.
I cleaned the oven.
On purpose.
Well it needed to be done but still…..
I have cleaning supplies.
A lot of them.
I buy paper towel.
Boxes of kleenex.
Adulting.
Responsible for self.
Adulting.
Growing every day.
Adulting.
 
Being happy is a choice.
There are going to be those of you who poo poo me.
And you know what I get it.
Absolutely.
I use to be you.
I use to think that that was crazy.
I use to think I needed 1/2/3….. things to be happy.
I use to plan for an unattainable future.
Everything will be better when…..
After my Ka-boom and healing I realized my happiness comes from within.
Also my Wellbutrin but 90% is internal.
I do not wake up every morning thinking I am going to be happy-I just am.
It is a feeling that I still find incredible.
And most likely will forever more.
 
So in answer to my customer yes I can be happy and good all the time.
I have moments of disappointment and upset but they do not define me or my mood.
I will not allow it.
No one or thing gets that type of power over me.
Not ever again.
My happiness is dependent on me and me alone.
Knowing that has made me a very happy woman. 
 
Now that I have totally sucked you in I shall sign off. 
Just know that we have all had coffee and you have learned a little more about me.
And how crazy I am.
But I am me.
Crazy.
Cute.
Canadian. 
(I needed a 3rd C)
 
Have a wonderful Wednesday loves.
 
©Oct. 7/20
Picture is my own