Kaboom!

Today has been two years since my massive Kaboom! This poem is about that. 
Do you see?
Frightened eyes
closed to pain
closed to darkness
absorbed
wrapped in a past
chains biting
reality a rarity
easier to be drunk
easier to be stoned
numbed by pills
aching to be held
no one is there
only myself.
Do you hear?
In ears
stoppered
closed
voices still penetrate
scolding
abusing
no one loves
no one wants
kill yourself
no one will care.
Never ceasing.
Constant tirade of my thoughts
berating
my wrongness
my loneliness
a barrage of self abuse
for I am worthless.
How far do you fall?
I fell.
I continued to fall
a lazy
constant summer circle
no safety net
only a desperate need to control
to destroy
to silence that voice.
How does one gauge?
How does one decide to live or to die?
How can one want to live so badly
yet want to die too?
I chose to live.
I choose to live.
The tears I shed
for the little girl
so long unprotected
for the woman
who hid so long.
I chose to live.
I chose to accept…..
I am pain.
I am rage.
I am fierce protection.
I am the little girl
the teenager
the scalded woman
become anew
into the strong beautiful woman that is me.
©Dec. 23/19
Picture is my own

Blackened Husk

***At first I thought that this was going to become positive. It has not. This is not at all how I feel now. It is a recollection of how I felt in the days leading up to my big KABOOM! 4 more days***
Pallid specter
grey
anguished features
pain
unbidden
unwanted
would give anything for it to go away.
Discomfort…..
what all feel 
when I am present.
Lost
scarecrow straight
stride forward
look neither right
nor left
acknowledge nothing
so much safer this way.
Disquieted…..
easier to pretend
than to actually see
this…..
is what life has done to me.
No longer looking in the mirror
escape the penetrating look
disappointment
that I have not lived up
to the expectations
I force upon myself.
Malaise…..
bites deep
look away
hide away
draw knees in
protect yourself
no one else will.
Time has expired 
leaving me void
my reality
my truth
I hate to say it
but there is no moving forward.
©Dec. 19/19
Picture via Pinterest

I Aver….

****7 Days****
Whispers
Close
A sound unheard
Tremble
Lost
Blackened Demons
Fire set
Burn you at the stake
Diving
Delving
Shredding your brain
With deadly thoughts
Scored with poison
Bitter thorns embed
Tearing fragile flesh
Gnawing tender bones
Sucking emotioned marrow clean
Sunken
Dead eyed
Walking through life a shadow
Ever afraid
To face yourself.
To see the truth.
You are beauty.
You are faith.
You are love.
You my darling 
You are more than enough
Come close
Myself
Broken
Bruised
Place weary head to shoulder
Sleep now
You guarded me well
Rest 
I will guide us 
I will love us
I will live for us
This I promise.
©Dec. 18/19
Picture is my own

Slew the Dragon

****7 days****

Tap tap tap
pencil on the table
used to focus my thoughts
words come with reluctance.
I do not want to share.
I do not want sympathy.
I do not want to see your face shutter
unable to comprehend
unable to understand.
I want you to hear
what was done
how I rose to overcome.
Darkness turned into light
tears into smiles
blackness pushed back
as I revel in my truth.
My life.
I dance with abandon
where once I would have been afraid.
Evil pervades
stalwart
inching forward
encroaching
blocking the sunlight
blocking the truth that should have been mine.
Have you ever seen a child
dance under the sky
face lifted
eyes closed
spinning around
certain the earth will catch them
as they fall?
Have you ever seen a child
cower in the corner
eyes turned
closed
not wanting to see
not wanting to feel
desperate to disappear?
Knock on the door
pry open the block in my mind
see the vile ink
pour free.
Monsters
big
small
consumed my heart
my soul.
Now though……
I am taking it back…..
Monster Slayer Supreme.
©Dec. 16/19
Picture via Pinterest

 

 

****8 Days****

I see you there.
Peeking around the corner
whimpering when I catch sight
wanting to disappear
wanting to hide
but I know you are there
come into the light.
Lank hair
desperate eyes
pallid pallor
tears seep
curled inward
blackness coiling around
tethering you….
to anger
to pain
to horror
blinding you
unwilling you were to see.
No one wants that nightmare.
No one wants to live in the dark.
Take my hand
feel my embrace
I am so sorry I left you for so long.
You must have been scared
not understanding
kept
like a dirty secret
of which no one talks.
Come stand with me
meld with me
for you are I
I am you.
Without you
without your pain…..
my pain
my addiction
my rage…..
Beautiful woman
come into the light
let go
raise our eyes to sunlit skies
for we are one.
I had to leave you alone
it took me awhile to return
yet here I am
here you are
baby we will succeed!
©Dec. 15/19
Picture is my own

Lock and Key

****9 Days****
Blackened hearth
ashes cold
no warmth found
a loss of self
a loss of innocence
tears track through soot
silence round
staring endlessly into the darkness.
Morbid thoughts
death
destruction
voice raw from shattered screams
gasping air
unable to stop
convulsing as the ugly truth
rears its bloody head.
Alcohol
consumed in copious amounts
dims the light within
allows for wraith like movement
through my own life.
Grey ghosts gather
dancing around my bed
an exorcism
no longer effective
I am lost within.
Broken
death looking on
time has come to change
to embrace this self
amalgamate it to the new
creating a better me.
As time grows close
my festive nature
a joy to perceive
my demons battled
sedated
locked within a chest
for which I have the only key.
©Dec. 14/19
Picture via Pinterest

Patchwork Girl

****10 Days****

Falling down
rabbit hole deep
lost in a swirl
of blackness
of pain
no possible way out.
Round and round I go
never ending carousel
riding the pony
reaching for the stars
out of bounds
out of my orbit
a dream unrealized.
When I look in the mirror
a cadaver stares back
blooded rivets in my skin
holding me together
pinning me as I am
no change
no feelings
utter blackness
a void where once my heart was.
Detached
looking at myself from afar
disgusted
deranged in my addiction
hurting body and soul
to hide
to unacknowledge the girl
desperate for release
for acceptance
for forgiveness
scratching beneath the surface.
on my knees
screaming my rage
frothing with murderous desire
I slowly reunite
each broken piece
knitted back together
until I become the woman I am…..
flawed
patchwork colourful
beautiful
healthy
growing
learning every day.
No longer do I fear.
No longer do I hide.
I am who I am.
Warts and all.
Accept me or not…..
I really don’t care.
© Dec. 13/19
Picture is my own