Better Days

Lost in the malestorm

sucked down the eddy

braving bleak thoughts

seeking always that peace.

Knowing that there will be a day;

when the pain,

the angst,

will no longer be in control.

Days when I shall see the sunshine,

hear my own laughter

and not be crippled 

by anxiety and depression.

Those are the goods days.

The ones I cling to.

For when that blackness enshrouds;

I remember that there

will always be 

a better day coming back to me.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 27/17

Advertisements

Why you won’t want to date me

What one can expect to find if they continue after reading and understanding the rules:

My heart enclosed. The gates locked. Bridge is up and the moat is full. With vicious crocodiles. And piranhas.

As I sit here, pouting like a petulant toddler who’s discovered she has to share her candy, I realize how hard I am to please. I have always been the caretaker. That role, after doing it for years becomes exhaustive.

Every single relationship I have been in I end up being in total control. I am the one making all the plans, paying all the bills and ensuring that life continues along tickety-boo. And now I have independence and the only ones I need to worry about are T and myself.

So I have come up with 10 things I need to warn the opposite sex of. About me. And my requirements. For my non- relationship. With a man who can take care of himself.

1) I do not want a relationship. However I do not want to share you. So get use to it.

2) I want a text. Not a thousand times a day but a good morning, a hey in the afternoon and a good night. So I know I have flitted across your mind.

4) I want to hang out with you. But I don’t. So just sit there until you figure it out. I will continue to read my Kindle.

5) I want to talk to you. Sometimes I will actually want you to participate in the conversation. Wait for the extended pause and dive in there.

6) I am a little bit crazy. But just a little bit, most of my friends will tell you it is barely noticeable.

7) I have anxiety attacks. There is no rhyme or reason they strike from no where. Just talk to me calmly about anything so I can focus and ask you questions.

8) I am not certain I want overnight company. I now sleep diagonally across my king size bed. Debating if I want to share.

9) I live with depression. That means some days I am sad. There is nothing you can do about it. Give me a hug and kiss and I will be okay. Some cuddles are nice too.

10) I am extremely emotional. I cry at commercials. I get mad at stupid stuff. I feel things very differently.

Truthfully, I am forwarning most men.  I am a weird woman. I want my independence. I want to be taken care of. I want to be respected.

T and me had a conversation recently. He wanted to know when I was going to get a boyfriend. I phfft’d and said I did not need a boyfriend.That I was more than capable of doing what was needed. He looked at me and asked ‘ you just needed one to help you put together my bed, right mom?’  (I so could have put his bed together but a friend with a drill is much more helpful)

Stalker (no more)

***Picture courtesy of Pintrest***

The first time i saw her she took my breath

spotted through the lens of a security camera

i became lost in her beauty and only wanted to know

if she might desire me.

The first time I knew that something was amiss

the day a rose appeared on my desk

With a note detailing how nice I looked,

and I was charmed.

i began to find time to turn my lens her way

watching and learning all that i could of her,

wanting only to find a way in, to say hello

without scaring her away.

I began to fear as the flowers and notes became too much

looking over my shoulder wondering just who you are?

Every time the door dings alerting me to an entrance

my heart begins to race and I wonder if it is you?

i discovered where she lived and prowled the ‘hood

finding my way into her home.

i riffled through her drawers, coming away with souvenirs

leaving behind another welcome surprise.

The rose and petals strewn on my bed made my stomach churn

and so begins, another game, another race to discover

Who feels that they can terrorize me? Who thinks that they can gain?

admission to my heart and soul with such careless stuff?

i know we are to be together oh why can she not see?

i know that our souls will bond and bind

forever making us one of a kind.

I found the man I needed on a street unnamed

explained my needs and wants

he showed me guns and swords galore

while I made my peace.

i filmed you in so many ways, asleep, awake, undressed

tonight i shall climb in your window

taking your heart

and making you mine.

The people who swore that they could save me

are never near when needed.

Instead they mouth quiet promises of which I have seen the results

so we must do this my way.

i found the house in darkness, shadows layered upon shadows

for i chose a night with no moon.

together we shall make the sky alight

burning with our flames.

I sit in the blackness waiting.

I hear the window creak

left open to encourage the beast

and now the end is near.

in flickering candle light i found her

awake and waiting for me.

i knew but a brief minute of satisfaction

until she smiled at me.

A death mask revealed within my burning smile

as I waited for him to come.

Victim no more, I am the avenger

stealing back my life.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

July 20/17

 

Babe

You tease me and you taunt me, you call me babe

you know that it makes me melt.

I adore your desire for me, your lust

because I share the same.

Wrapped in your arms, pressed against the wall

desire, it floods my body, and I cannot even compare,

I cannot even decipher, all I know is how I need you

how I lust for you, day after day.

Whisper my name, tame my heart, my desire

you know how to make me crawl and beg

I want to be wrapped in your comfort

to know that you really do care.

Tell me I am not a booty call

even if I am……

Allow me the fantasy…..the belief that I am special

wrap me in your arms,

love me in our own fashion,

please don’t make me crawl.

Making me Yours

You draw a finger along the shape of my cheek,

cupping my face with tender hands

Breathing deeply the scent that I wear

your lips barely touching mine.

I desire, I want, I need.

You back me to the wall, using your presence as a barrier

and I groan with desire.

You capture my mouth in yours, possessing me

claiming what you want, what you desire, what you have earned.

Knees shake unable to support me

as I collapse into your arms.

You carry me forward and drop me on the bed

as I watch from lidded eyes.

There is no explanation required;

as you drop down next to me.

All we have is this time, this now

take me and make me yours.

 

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

March 16/17

I knew you were trouble….

I should have know, when you walked in the door

that tonight was going to be different.

You gathered me in your arms and held me so tight

whispering in my ear.

‘Baby I am sorry, it was out of my control’

I know that within the logic of my brain

but with the need comes desire and it must be fed.

I loose myself in your warm embrace, feeling safe and secure

you lips meet mine, possessing, devouring

Taking what is yours.

I should have known when we first did meet

that you were going to be trouble

But I set that aside and gave myself over,

to the feelings and the desires.

I writhed beneath your hands, your body

for you consumed me with your heat

and right than and there, I knew you were going to be trouble

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

March 16/17