Blinders

Stood upon the bridge
family at one end
life at the other
what do I do
burn
or run for it.
No one thought I would do it
crazy
angry
needing to make them pay
I lit the match
threw it over my shoulder
walking away
as that bridge burned.
No longer will I be the weak one
no longer will I play
this game that you devised
when I was just a child
warping me in so many ways.
Gotta admit
you never knew
blinders you wore
making you blinkered.
To this day
you refuse to see
you refuse to acknowledge
despite the evidence
despite the words
I should let it be.
Too long did I repress this
too long did I hide
drugged
sedated
hiding
why?
So I did not hurt the two of you.
My strength is not yours.
I will not be the strong man
take umbrage
hide your face in fear
just know
I no longer care.
I finally faced my purgatory.
I finally faced my fear.
Walking through the fires of hell
coming out the other side.
Unblemished.
Unburned.
Complete.
Oct. 17/18
Photo by Michael Held on Unsplash

Unable

I sit

silent and tired

unable to give

unable to feel

anything any more.

I watch the world spin out of control.

Blinders are no help.

Ear plugs

they do not silence the screams

of torture

of hatred

of a lust for power

never before seen.

I am frazzled

at my wit’s end

watching our world implode.

I wonder

as tears slowly seep

when did it become so………

 

Picture via: https://lifesmart2017.blog/2017/11/17/why-is-the-world-imploding/

 

 

Strangled

Strangled by the threads of expectation

pushed on one’s self 

until they are choking

unable to articulate their screams,

because today nobody cares.

Pushed into the rubber room,

walls plush with velvet padding

tormented screams rent the air

as demons play games.

Games of love, 

only to be shown that love is not for them.

Games of torture,

voices grinding in their ears

until they can take it no more.

Strangled by the threads of expectation

unable to bear 

this less than perfect image.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

December 31/17

See me go

You believe in me, the person that I can be

dancing beneath the velvet night sky

Twisting and turning. Romance abounds

or is that my imagination?

I love, I learn, I yearn and I dream

I want to feel your truth

pull me into the warmest embrace

Make me feel your pain.

The acceptance I want, that I desire

you promised to me

Silently, vocally, telling me you understand

and yet, you run for the hills.

I am not a superstar, nor am I normal

I bleed and I flail, hanging by a thread

as I wait for you to see me go.

© Jay-lyn Doerksen

March 12/17

Anxiety

I hate anxiety. There is no insidious beast like anxiety. I am not helpless. I know how to raise my child, I know how to do my job. But in the early morning hours, when said child is screaming at me, I begin to wonder, what the f*** man? Can I not do this?

On my best days, the days where I am snapping and I am rolling, where my customers and my son are feeling great because they are so important to me, I can do no wrong. My swag is shining, my words are poetry and everyone who meets me is game. And than the rush fades,  I start to think about the next week, the next sale, the next hour, and wow, I am fucked.

Anxiety eats at you. Anxiety makes you believe that you do not have the ability, the time or even the understanding……anxiety makes you doubt every aspect of your being…..anxiety makes you doubt the truth of your being…….