Let The Proceedings Begin

19 years ago today the ex and I said ‘I do’.
We had been together 7 years already and he thought it was time to get married.
I went along for the ride although my heart was not really in it.
Not that I did not love him but I had sworn as a young girl I was never getting married after witnessing my parents marriage fall apart.
My reasoning was that if it ended there would be so much easier to walk away.
Within 6 weeks of my having said yes I was married.
This is also the year that my depression was first diagnosed.
Although it was before the marriage not after. 😂😂😂😂
We had good years and bad.
It was the way of any marriage only I was feeling stifled.
I was feeling unseen.
Disappearing into a mom/boss (at work)/wife there was no me any more.
My ex is not a bad man at all.
And he does his best to do right with me now.
When we were married I paid all the bills /loan/mortgage and he paid for groceries etc.
I was always stressed.
Slowly our marriage dissolved.
And then it ended.
We, he and I, have worked very hard to go from where we were when we split in 2016 to today 2021.
I can say he is one of my closest friends.
And I one of his depending on the month and the girlfriend. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
We can talk about everything and anything as well as co-parenting.
Today I have my first call with the lawyer.
To begin our divorce.
Talk about irony right there.
I am not going to lie I have cried a couple of times since making the phone appointment. 😢😢
This is the final little bit to making our lives totally separate.
It is an ending.
And endings are hard for anyone no matter how it comes about. 😞😞
©Sept. 14/21
Picture is my own

Stuck in the Middle

Gosh darn it all I have gone and put T in the middle.
When you are a child of divorce and you yourself are separated with a child you want to be aware of the situations you were put in and avoid those with your own child(ren).
Well I hate to say it but I put T square in the middle of the vaccine debate between his dad and I.
And I have to learn to keep my big fat mouth shut with regards to his father around him.
 
Last evening when T got dropped off he went off on me.
Not off yelling and screaming but he let me know.
 
‘Even if you get the shot you can still get the virus mom.’
‘Yes T in the first 14 days you are right you can still pick up the virus. It will not make you ill but you will be a carrier. Meaning you could give it to your father without knowing it.’
‘Oh.’
‘Do you not want the vaccine?’
‘Yeah I don’t care.’
‘Do you or do you not want the vaccine? If you do not want it I will cancel your appointment right now.’ (you parents heard it)
‘No I want to be vaccinated.’
 
T is torn between a rock and a hard place.
Here is mom who has always looked after him and done the best whereas his father his filling his head with nonsense.  (I know folks I am working on the tone)
This is a man who use to be so science and fact based that he believed in nothing if it could not be proven.
 
I messaged the ex last night and asked him if he would like to come in and discuss the vaccine when he dropped T off.
I got back ‘if I have time.’
Huh.
I have been reminding myself over and over and over that I will listen.
I will not react without first thinking through my answer.
I will bite my tongue.
I will let him get everything out in the open.
If he has time.
If not well I tried at least.
 
©May 18/21
Picture is my own
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