Miss You

I miss you
miss your arms around me
miss the smile you give me
when what I say
it makes sense to you.
You listen to me
listen like no one has ever done
making me wonder
who you are
what your game is with me.
Why do you reach out?
Why do you make me feel?
I was content for it to be playful
no emotions
no feelings.
You changed the game
or was it me?
And now we look at one another
eyes hooded with lust
with desire
with trust.
All I want to do
is crawl into your arms
to have you stare into my eyes
I want to wrap my legs around
draw you close
baby please draw me near.
We are scared
we are daring
we want one another
what we don’t want
is the pain
the fear
that we carry in our hearts.
Aug. 22/18
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Never Fear

Yawning abyss
toes curled at the edge
staring downwards
can I fly?
Will my dreams hold me?
I leap
over the precipice
feeling the current
soar beneath my wings
I glide forth
my heart touched soft
knowing you are near.
Swooping
diving
catch me in your arms
show me I have nothing to fear
for you are not the callous one
but a lover dear.
Downward spiral
wings wrapped around
holding me safe
snapping upright
into the breeze
flying high above
but cradling me near.
One two
you will never let go
you want to show your worth.
Three four
beats on the floor
dancing
around and around.
Darling of mine
shine baby shine
never more
will you fear the morrow
for I shall always be at your side.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
July 10/18
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Dream to Come

My muse
My seduction
My misbeaten heart.
Your liquid eyes
Fill me to the brim
Tugging at my heart.
Misconception
Misunderstood
You trigger thoughts
and words
Twisting my tongue
Into lovely tales.
There is no right
There is no wrong
There is just you and I
A dream to come.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
July 12/18

Dark Dancer

Words dance

flit across my subconsciousness

as I wait….

wait for the one

he who haunts my dreams.

Stranger

desire

pull me in for a dance

amongst the stars.

Silken strands

wrap around

drawing me in

a tango of two

melting my fears.

Bells clanging

scattering my thoughts

you begin to walk away

fading

swallowed by the ether.

This dream

evanescent

makes me want to weep

as daylight

creeps across the floor

pulling me awake.

Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash

 

 

 

Whimsy

It starts

a word

a phrase

a picture seen

creation begins.

I sit

placing fingers to keys

they dance

music flowing

without any thought.

Words spew forth

cresting the page

rage

truth

love

happiness

pictures in the sky.

Possibilities……

dreams

fantasies

dance through my mind.

Never do I know though

where my story will take me.

Photo by Stanley Dai on Unsplash

Maimed

I get lost in fantasy
romance
forgetting
never acknowledging
it is not for me.
I am bespelled
when you speak
sweet words
sugared lies
longing looks
until I am caught
bound within the web you weave.
Once entangled
smiles become tart
words fall like hammers
wounding
gouging my self-esteem
creating this pathetic creature
that you view with scorn.
What is it about me?
Why do you torment me so?
Speaking to my dreams
to my desires
making me fall in love
only to maim my heart when you leave.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
May 6/18

Squashed

**Picture is one of mine. Although it does not really fit my post I wanted to use it because it fills me with peace.**
I am on day 113 of not taking pills. And (gentlemen you may want to turn away here) I am pms’ing. Previously when I pms’d I would go out to get pills to silence the ever critical voice that I heard. That voice has become really silent. It made a brief appearance on Wednesday, a skittering across my brain and than gone.
Right before I woke up this morning I was dreaming. It has been a long while since I have had dreams that I remember and in the last several weeks they have returned. With a vengence and I am loving it. Some are goofy and make no sense. Like the man running around with no pants on. Or The Kardashians making an appearance when I do not even watch their show. (I do not have real tv) But this morning’s dream was a little more realistic. More in line with things I am going through.
It took place at the house I grew up in. My ex was in it and I was furious with him because he left wet laundry in the washing machine. (Dreaming about laundry when I have to do laundry)  And suddenly I was taking a handful of pills. In the dream it turned out that this was the second handful I was taking. I broke down. Sobbing and unable to believe that I had taken the pills.
So when I woke up I was a bit perturbed.  The only pills in my house are my medication for my depression and my vitamins. I live in a city that does not have Sunday shopping and truthfully it was not even an urge. But it did make me weepy.
I was talking with friends about this. And grousing because damn it this is not me. I do not want to take any pills. I do not want to go and get a bottle of wine and drink it all in one sitting. Things are going really well. Even at work. So why on earth did this pop up?
Part of it I believe is due to the fact that I am pms’ing. And I know that I am going to have a customer complaint against me. The woman asked me if my name was Jay-lyn as she was staring at my name tag and than entering into her phone. I admit she got under my skin. And I was not as mindful as I should have been. As I was cleaning the shower I gave myself a stern talking to as well, reminding myself that it happened yesterday and there was no way of going back and changing it. I will accept responsibility although truthfully I don’t think that I could have done anything to make this woman happy.
When I take these two things and combine them, they were two triggers for using the pills to numb myself. To make it easier to handle.
I made a comment to DD that I had 7 days to go and I had better not be a whiny bitch for the whole 7 days or I was going to be sick of myself. And as for the customer, well I know what I did wrong and I know what I have to do to correct it.
In the dream as I was crying and throwing out the rest of the pills, a character from the show I am watching (Rescue Me) appeared. And he reminded me that I had done these 113 days without any problem. This was a small slip and I could recover from it.
As I write this now, I know that I am not going to have any small slips in real life because I do not want to. I am done with hiding from my feelings and emotions. I accept that I am imperfect and occasionally a little whiny. I am stronger now than before and with each day that I step further and further away, I become even stronger. The voices are like mosquitos buzzing around my ear. A nuisance for but a moment until I squash them.