I Am…..

Lost in thought
dreams
slightly out of reach
gazing sightless
upon the things I wish……
time has come
let go of fairy tales
grow up
be responsible
voices crowing
deep inside
but 
whines the little girl
I do not want to let go
grow up
become boring
oh no!
Grow I did
put aside
childish fantasies
dolls a plenty
straighten the collar
romance
dead in the air…..
Time came
(with age comes wisdom
ha ha)
I realized
I knew
my dreams
more important than air
gasping
driven
starved
my creativity
reared
breaking free
from studded cell
admonishing me.
Awaken
my muse
or am I the conduit
for her? him? them?
I let fly
I let free
reign true
rule fair
I am a poet…..
I am a story teller…..
I am…..
whatever my imagination says I am.
©Feb. 20/20
Picture is my own

Within

Within
deep rooted anguish
for you no longer care.
Words are spoken
gestures are made
once actions were louder
but silence is even louder
letting me know
exactly where I stand.
You made me so happy.
You made my heart sing.
You made me cry a million times
telling me it was for my own good….
Your letting go
your saying good bye
for how else can I go forward
if I am still clinging to broken dreams?
Darkness
where light once did reside
there is no welcoming reprieve
pain ebbs and flows
never really gone
lesser for awhile.
I can write so many love poems
I can write so many lyrical words
I can write……
I can destroy…..
I can maim you on paper…..
I can kill you with my pen…..
What I can not do
is kill
the feelings within.
©Jan 22/20
Picture via Pinterest

Ignore

Dreams of you……
I rose with tears in my eyes
pillow soaked 
for images I was sure I had buried
are raging through my head.
I want to be so angry.
I want to scream
rail
storm
revile you to all I know
but I cannot.
I want to hide.
Memories
strong 
good
us together
dance passed.
Cowering behind the door
hiding from the monsters of our past
I cannot go on.
I cannot….. 
I cannot…..
I cannot…..
Summer’s sweet blush
a love once true
that could have been us.
Heart wrecked
shredded 
torn
destroyed 
in one callous act.
Today I wish I could say goodbye.
Instead 
a physical ache
grips my body tight
wracking me
shattering my bones
while I scream at the night.
Everyone wonders
why I cannot let go
why I still love you so.
How do I explain
that you relit the passion
that had been missing from my life?
I miss your arms.
I have forgotten the taste of your lips.
When next you see me
gaze upon me fondly
quietly ignoring the tears.
January 14/19
Photo by Meghan Holmes on Unsplash

Cycle of Life

I use to sit upon your knee

while you braided my hair

and whispered of your dreams for me.

Held your hand when I was scared

watching you chase away the monsters.

You took the backseat when I learned to drive

through this journey called life

letting me soar and learn on my own

even when the mistakes were fraught.

Now the time has come

the page has turned

and it is I who must care for you.

I hold your hand when you whisper in fear

I comb thin hair once so thick you despaired

I watch as you pull away from me

moving backwards into the heaven’s light

knowing that you have no regrets

you have lived this life

the way you always dreamed.

With tears shattering on my cheeks

I say my final good byes

I am once more that little girl

needing her mother to hold her tight

and remind her that this is the cycle of life.

Jay-lyn Doerksen

May 26/18

Believe

Coffee wafts through the air
senses becoming alert
no time to feel despair
no time to stop and relate
life is such a busy state
never a chance to recall
the missed times of childhood late.
Love
Misery
Divorce
Life
Reboot
Recall
Re-love?
Sunshine and swing sets
parks and long walks
children laughing
corn fattening
this is what memories play.
Work
Bills
Lawyers
Alcohol
Drugs
Fall
Get up
Give up
Come clean
Reconnect
Re-dream?
Cabin in the summer rain
war played on the carpet
memories that do explain
all about happiness.
I am not as lost as I feel to be
I am not as unfounded
ungrounded as I view myself. 
Within me lays the strength of the Titans
Within me lays the power to be
Within me lays the well of hope
all I need to do is believe. 
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
April 29/18

Waves

How do you describe a wave?
Water pushing and pulling. Dancing upon itself.  Folding.  Grasping the dappling sun, pulling it beneath the teal waters. Twisting and turning. Capturing and releasing. At its peak it rolls, curling under, ready to submit to itself.
I am having problems with my fiction writing. While it was flowing before now it seems to have dried up. So I thought that I would begin to write. Let the words flow from my mind to my fingers. It did not matter what I was writing, I needed to be writing.
I keep picturing the wave in my mind. Seeing it build and peak and crash back down. Or smooth out softly hitting the shore with barely a ripple.
When I was younger, I would go to the cabin with my amma. The dogs.  It was at Beaver Creek, now known as Beaver Creek Provincial Park. It is on Lake Winnipeg. I loved swimming when it was rough. Wading in, diving through the waves. Laying back and letting the water hold me, keeping me safe. I would ride the waves. Letting the water lift and lower me. The water was my friend, warm even if the day was gloomy and overcast. I have always loved the water, feeling protected and secure.
I miss being a little girl. I miss my amma. I miss my grandma and grandpa. I want a chance to do it all over again. I want the chance to make different choices. I want to fly. I want to dream. I want to live as though tomorrow has no consequences.
I know that this is not realistic. I am an adult, I have responsibilities. I have a life. A son. So going back is not an option for me. And besides all my choices have lead to me being here.
I have always felt strong emotions. Sadness. Fear. Love. Pain. Joy. Happiness. Anger. And I really never knew how to deal with them. I was unable to see that eventually they would pass and I would go back to it being alright. I did not know how to let go of those emotions. I hoarded them. All the hurt and pain, I shut it out. I never learned to navigate those emotional waters. How much has time changed. Now my main goal is making sure that T is able to do so.
That he is going to know that not everything is going to go the way that he wants it to. He will learn to weather the disappointments and let downs, knowing that they are not going to last forever. T will ride the wave better than I have.
Going forward when things get a little much for me, I will ride the waves. The anxiety, pain, fear, disappointment whatever it maybe, I will go up and crest. Than slowly come down the other side. Landing upon the shoreline. I will ride each wave. Secure in the knowledge that the waves can be swum, I no longer need to fear being submerged and drowned.

Dream

Tears escape
traveling over pale cheeks
lost within this
yet unable to discern why?
Days have been good.
Very very good.
When I feel like this,
lethargic
unable to exercise
I begin to fear.
Fear that after all my hard work
I am falling
back to the beginnng of my time.
That this lovely dream
that I have built
is exactly that,
a dream that I will awaken from.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
March 15/17