Ripped Asunder

First you went away
than you began to fade away
until I was not even sure
if you were reality
or simple a dream that I created?
Are these memories a truth
or fantasies I played
to stop the lonliness,
the betrayal of my heart.
Held in your arms
safely kept from the truth,
that soon
you will have forgotten my name.
Tears blind me as I desperately grope
to find the trail back to you,
for within my chest
my heart is ripped asunder
by your careless care.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Dec. 5/17
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Childhood Dreams

Crashing waves
a beach of sand
tranquility at its best.
Bringing back childhood memories,
of times when dreams
could still be realized.
Aching with pain to know
I abandoned myself along the way,
clawing back the tempest
parting the bleak curtain
To once again be me.
Create and go forth
Let your dreams fly
Let not society tell you no
Only ask why?
Soaring on wings buffeted by currents
beauty seen
No longer denied
For childhood dreams reclaimed.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
Feb 27/16

Fragile Chrysalid

I am caught

between hopeful dreams

and bruising reality.

I weave a web of gossamer

light and fragile

delight and wonder

as I breath deeply of love.

I fall beneath the riptide

my breath sucked from my lungs

my eyes widening in desperation

as I lose the hope I held close.

This love

will it be my heaven or my hell?

Will finding the pieces of my heart again

and handing them to you;

be a comfort

or a cold regret?

My heart.

Fragile chrysalid

bound by your tender words.

Do not undo

the braided strands

for I cannot endure

not without you as my light.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Oct. 17/17

Untitled 12

Once I danced along,

streets covered in golden dreams

believing the fantasy

that I built from nothing.

Now I creep alone

through empty concrete dreams

my fantasies but ash within my mouth

as my tears bring no relief.

I rend my heart in bitterness

curse my soul that remakes my wound

the scar marking the damage done;

damage I cannot get away from.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

September 6/17

 

 

 

Opportunities

*Photo is mine taken today.

I watched the sunrise today

with silent tears on my cheeks

not from sadness you see

but for all the opportunities.

How many sunrises have I missed?

Because of time needed elsewhere

of responsibility and

well, just life.

I am also crying tears-

Tears for the girl I was,

for the woman I thought I would be.

Tears for the woman I became

and tears for the woman I am becoming.

Tears of sadness,

forgiveness

and welcoming.

Tears that cleanse my heart

and my soul

allowing me to embrace

all my opportunities.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

 August 29/17

Birthday Eve

Today is August 28th. In slightly more than 24 hours I will be 45 years old. I did not actually arrive in the world until 8:20 p.m. so am not “really” 45 ’til than. 

I am looking forward to turning 45. I am not the same woman I was when I turned 44 last year. I am by far a much better and stronger version of her. I have taken my life and where I could have continued along the path of destruction I was on I changed. Slowly at first. But as the changes became good changes, as my outlook and feelings became harmonized and less disjointed I welcomed the changes.

I have documented my cycle of depression and how I had to claw my way back. I have an amazing support group who have been with me since I started on the new journey to me.

A journey that has seen me rise high enough to realize I was in an unhappy marriage and find the strength to leave. To my mistakenly believing all my problems were solved by the dissolution of my marriage and I went off my meds. I began to rely on alcohol to get me through the days. 

My crash, which scared me so badly because I had allowed myself to be tricked into believing I was okay. Our brains are wicked when presenting one with deceptive illusions.

Even after I resumed taking my meds I still continued to self-medicate with alcohol. Finally July 1st I decided to stop. I went six weeks without drinking. And when I did, I woke the next morning disappointed in myself. 

I have had some again but there is a difference. One that I can see and feel. It is no longer a need. There is no desire to negate the feelings I did not want to face. 

So tomorrow I am turning 45. 

 I am eating better. I am sleeping better. I am exercising. I have quit drinking to self-medicate and find that I do not miss it. 

Best of all I am writing again. I am more secure in the voice I have. I am letting those wonderful words combine and emerge like a waterfall from my finger tips. I believe in magic again. 

At 45 I am beginning to emerge from the cocoon of the past. I can see my present but the future….that is a dream still waiting to be dreamed.

A little girl

There is a little girl inside of me

one that no one can see

she peers out from her safe place

where the monsters cannot reach.

She hunkers down when the winds blow

singing silly songs and rhymes

trying to still the terror in her heart,

to cleanse her mind.

Flowers adorn the cabin floor

sweet smells to compete with her giggles

for safety is found

in this haven.

There is a little girl inside of me

one that no one can see

she protects that small part of me

that is still innocent

and untouched or sullied.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 21/17