I could have Cried

I was not going to put a warning here but do not want to kill off my male readers with shock.
I discuss female anatomy.
I give it a personality.
If easily offended just skip that paragraph.
Otherwise enjoy.
216 days.
7 months and 6 days sober.
Gonna admit that my coffee intake has tripled since quitting but that is neither here nor there.
But not feeling like death warmed over?
Not remembering what time I fell into bed?
And did I do something embarrassing?
I was a shit mom when I was drinking.
I mean I joked with him and laughed but I was not present with him.
It kills me when I think of it.
Which I don’t do often.
Not because I am weak but because T and I have made our peace.
But when I do think about it I cringe and hate myself all over again.
I say again because I spent many years hating myself.
I took pills and drank to get away from me.
Now I am me.
No pills.
No booze.
Just little old me.
And I can hate my behaviour.
Ha that came to me as I was typing.
In re to ‘the hating myself again’ that is wrong it is the behaviour I hated.
I have changed the behaviour.
Today was the day.
Went in for the lovely ladies day at the doctor’s.
Which included getting my liver function tested.
I had the blood work taken last Thursday.
Everything checked.
And because I had quit drinking the liver test.
I kept telling myself that if something was seriously wrong I would have heard already.
If I was dying they would not let me come alone to the office would they?
I was scared.
I not only drank heavily but took Tylenol 1’s for a very long time.
With alcohol.
Without.
So while not dwelling on my results I have gone with the no news is good news adage.
Half an hour late into my appointment and I had been sitting in the little naked gown we all get.
On my phone texting.
What else do you do in the exam room while waiting these days?
You text people and tell them you are naked!
Like they really want to know but it is fun for me.
Lots of different responses to that one.
Finally in comes my doctor.
We have not had a face to face in nearly 3 years.
He has gone grey on the back of his head.
And as I sit there we go over my list of things I wanted looked at/discussed.
And the blood work.
Cholesterol level is a little bit high.
But there is really nothing I can do because it is the good cholesterol.
It is the high one.
Hemoglobin is good.
Liver numbers are a little high but in the normal range.
And as long as I continue to not drink it will heal.
Went through the other end of it too.
Ladies the legs in the air time.
Well apparently my cervix wandered.
Who the hell thought their cervix would just up and decide to vanish?
Finally found turns out she was feeling a little shy.
I came home and it wasn’t until I was standing in the living room that it hit me.
A wave of relief that lead to tears.
I had figuratively been holding my breath.
I had done so much damage to my liver how could it be anything but not great?
To hear that I was good well here come the tears a bit as I write.
Every day I move forward I realize that there is so much more I need to live.
There is so much more that I need to learn.
There is so much more that I need to teach.
That I want to teach.
Once I have learned it.
Which will be never because no one masters life.
We grow and learn.
Forever changing.
That my friends I think is what life is.
Have a great weekend everyone.
This is what T and I had for brunch today. Chocolate and Almond Granola with Extra Creamy Vanilla Bean Yogurt (13% protein) and strawberries.wp-16137804928604942111475614242658.jpg
Awesome that is all I am going to say.
©Feb. 19/21
Photos are my own

Day 28 & 29 or Me & Me Alone

I will say that this passed weekend has been the most difficult since I quit drinking.
 
Saturday I was up early despite not working until 9. I had coffee and relaxed. Wrote a little. All was going along tickety boo when Loki decided that today was the day to jump into the window box and pull it over. Dumping wet soil all over the back of the couch. I may have arg’ed loudly. Cleaned it all up. Took the window box with the roses resettled and put outside for the day. Moved the couch to vacuum. Decided that when I came home from work I would be moving the living room around again. So Loki and the others would not be able to get up into the window knocking over my plants.
 
Work was work. My supervisor had a family emergency and had to leave. I supervised for the morning and cashed from 2-4:4. Was suppose to be at work until 5:30 but was feeling tired…..lethargic…..not my usual self. There was a fraught moment or two. Argued with myself but prevailed. Wine is still alcohol. Once I am passed the LC I am fine it is that possibility of turning in that rages in the back of my mind. That one little push from the voice and I fall over the edge. I did not. I came home changed and began to clean and move the living room around. Took me about two hours but I did it and am happy with the way that it looks. Need to figure out lighting situation behind me as the light reflects in the t.v. which is annoying. Whether a new shade or taller lamp has not been determined yet. For those who care to know once I decide I will let you know.
 
Made myself coffee as well. I swear that my coffee intake is way way up since I quit drinking. And while I previously joked that it was to replace the sugar I was craving from no longer drinking I wonder. The inability to fall asleep at night has been driving me nuts the last few days. Until I realized that drinking Monster Energy Drinks with 180 mg of Caffeine on top of the coffee I am drinking might have something to do with it. Maybe?
 
Slept in Sunday until 7:20. That for me is late. Enjoyed myself a lazy morning of coffee and reading emails. Taking some pictures of Loki. Deciding that I wanted to start taking more pictures of the things that catch my attention. Messaged with friends. A free day as I did my cleaning the evening before. By 11:45 I was outside sitting in the sun.Kindle in hand. Sat outside for two hours reading and enjoying the heat. All in all it was a wonderful morning. A nap in the afternoon after onion rings. I was going to go back out but the nap took a little longer than I was expecting. Had the groggy feeling but made some coffee and was feeling a little more in tune with reality.
 
I have been open that my addiction to pills in the past were a coping mechanism. Abused as a child I was running so hard and for so long that inevitably I was going to crash and either die or burn. I burned in a conflagration so hot and fast burning through myself and coming out stronger and better…..more accepting of self and mistakes. Growing ever onward. Work in progress forever more.
 
I have had many a conversation about the abuse I faced. Not detailing it as my brain is still in protective mode. Which again I am totally fine with. I don’t want nor need to know the extent. The damage done was horrific enough I do not need to tramp down that pathway. I have made strides in my life. In happiness. In not forgetting the past but in handling it and moving on.
 
My addiction to alcohol to pills has always been to deal with the pain. To blur the edges so to speak. Yesterday offered me a glimpse of what else the use of alcohol has been doing for me? Not sure if that is how to look at it but it is what I am doing.
 
I was speaking with a friend about sexual abuse. I am not going to give details. All I am going to say is that I discovered that I had the kids mixed up in my head. Age wise.
 
It triggered me. Nothing that lasted long. A brief flash. Enough though to cause me to gasp and tear up. Fear lanced me and for a moment I could not breath. I had to take a moment from our conversation. And I told her why. Just that I needed a minute to regroup.
 
I am tired of running away. Tired of being scared of what is in this thick noggin of mine. Alcohol makes me forget. And when I am alone with too much time on my hands to think I suppose subconsciously I was still blurring the edges.
 
I am scared. I am not going to lie. There are a lot of things in this head of mine that I have been carting around for years. Eons some of it feels like.
 
But this is a journey…..
 
My journey in a life that is tailor made for me and me alone.
 
©August 17/20
Picture is my own