20/20

Looking back
it is easy to see
as they say
hindsight is 20/20.
I delighted in fire
flame
burning debris
still wonder
how I did not burn that place down?
Vicious words
pelting down
tearing
rending
piercing
exposed flesh.
I need time
time to adjust
to come to terms
with yet another aspect
of my past
my history.
Rage
inferior
tagged to be little
never was I important enough.
Looking back
I can finally see
veil torn from my eyes
the monster before me.
There was no love.
There was no pride in me.
I was superfluous
an afterthought
a child weaned on fear
disgrace
disregard
left to herself
her own care.
Heart torn
rent
beaten flat
left to defend
shield
armor myself
for yet another blow
another hit
another hurricane
blowing me apart.
Sept. 25/18
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Not Unwanted

Never something I was looking for
I had turned myself away
off
unavailable
prefering to make of life
what it was.
Began so slowly
a message here and there
until it became a daily thing
creeping up on us both.
When you don’t look
when you don’t grasp
when you are surprised
by the sudden longing of feeling
remember that I too am as flustered as you.
These feelings
emotions
desires
yet not unwanted.
Aug. 30/18
Photo by Dan Musat on Unsplash

Miss You

I miss you
miss your arms around me
miss the smile you give me
when what I say
it makes sense to you.
You listen to me
listen like no one has ever done
making me wonder
who you are
what your game is with me.
Why do you reach out?
Why do you make me feel?
I was content for it to be playful
no emotions
no feelings.
You changed the game
or was it me?
And now we look at one another
eyes hooded with lust
with desire
with trust.
All I want to do
is crawl into your arms
to have you stare into my eyes
I want to wrap my legs around
draw you close
baby please draw me near.
We are scared
we are daring
we want one another
what we don’t want
is the pain
the fear
that we carry in our hearts.
Aug. 22/18

Eternal Hope

Sitting by the rain splattered window

watching you walk away

I should have known better

I should never have said…..

that you make me smile

that you make me warm inside

that I could see a future

one in which we were together

I should have kept my big mouth shut.

I saw the blinders come down

I saw you shutter your heart

face hard with disbelief

you stared at me

shaking your head

this was not what we had discussed.

I cannot help the way that I feel

these emotions crept up on me

I know the truth

my love is unrequited

yet my hope springs eternal.

 

Nothingness

Tears seep
tracing the curve of my cheek
trailing
salty kisses on my lips
pondering
why I feel this way?
Nothing wrong
no sense of impending doom
imagination
spiraling out of control
when I know
I may have pushed too far?
Overstepping
infamous for I am
reading too much
into too little
building my fairy tales
only to knock them down.
Self destruction.
I am not crazy.
I am not insane
even though I portray myself this way.
Easier to hide
behind a sinister mask
than brimming with bright smiles
allowing the hurt
to become a dull throb
one I cannot placate.
Never crumble
never fall
ideas ingrained in my mind
not worth it
undeserving
voices playing over and over again.
Happiness
ever fleeting
skims through my life
touching lightly
only to bounce off
leaving me bereft
clutching at faded memories
of time we spent.
Hopelessness
sadness
raging pain
loss
fear
the emotions I live with
every day.
Does it get better?
Does it ever end?
This feeling of……
nothingness.
©Jay-lyn Doerkson
July 8/18

Waves

How do you describe a wave?
Water pushing and pulling. Dancing upon itself.  Folding.  Grasping the dappling sun, pulling it beneath the teal waters. Twisting and turning. Capturing and releasing. At its peak it rolls, curling under, ready to submit to itself.
I am having problems with my fiction writing. While it was flowing before now it seems to have dried up. So I thought that I would begin to write. Let the words flow from my mind to my fingers. It did not matter what I was writing, I needed to be writing.
I keep picturing the wave in my mind. Seeing it build and peak and crash back down. Or smooth out softly hitting the shore with barely a ripple.
When I was younger, I would go to the cabin with my amma. The dogs.  It was at Beaver Creek, now known as Beaver Creek Provincial Park. It is on Lake Winnipeg. I loved swimming when it was rough. Wading in, diving through the waves. Laying back and letting the water hold me, keeping me safe. I would ride the waves. Letting the water lift and lower me. The water was my friend, warm even if the day was gloomy and overcast. I have always loved the water, feeling protected and secure.
I miss being a little girl. I miss my amma. I miss my grandma and grandpa. I want a chance to do it all over again. I want the chance to make different choices. I want to fly. I want to dream. I want to live as though tomorrow has no consequences.
I know that this is not realistic. I am an adult, I have responsibilities. I have a life. A son. So going back is not an option for me. And besides all my choices have lead to me being here.
I have always felt strong emotions. Sadness. Fear. Love. Pain. Joy. Happiness. Anger. And I really never knew how to deal with them. I was unable to see that eventually they would pass and I would go back to it being alright. I did not know how to let go of those emotions. I hoarded them. All the hurt and pain, I shut it out. I never learned to navigate those emotional waters. How much has time changed. Now my main goal is making sure that T is able to do so.
That he is going to know that not everything is going to go the way that he wants it to. He will learn to weather the disappointments and let downs, knowing that they are not going to last forever. T will ride the wave better than I have.
Going forward when things get a little much for me, I will ride the waves. The anxiety, pain, fear, disappointment whatever it maybe, I will go up and crest. Than slowly come down the other side. Landing upon the shoreline. I will ride each wave. Secure in the knowledge that the waves can be swum, I no longer need to fear being submerged and drowned.

Ownership

I use to pride myself on not being a liar. That I always told the truth. But I realize that I don’t. I realize that a lot of the times I say what people want to hear rather that what I actually think. Why are we  programmed to hide our thoughts and feelings?
I was going through an old notebook and found some items that I wrote. It appears to be a list of some sort defining my beliefs on certain emotions and behaviour.
Never Lie: To lie means I am scared of the reaction of others. Yet when I lie, it will snowball rapidly until I am found out.
To lie is to give false comfort.
If I start lying to others, it makes it easier to lie to myself. I need to be honest when I look in the mirror.
Confidence: The belief in oneself. To acknowledge that I am good. I do not need to go out of my way to showcase my talents and abilities. They can speak for themself.  Whether at work or in my private life.
Toxic People: People who try to tear me down, make me disbelieve myself. People who make it all about themselves. These are people that I need to avoid. I do not need to allow them any access to my life or inner self. I protect myself.
Forgiveness: The ability to let go of past hurts. I carried mine around, extra baggage that needed to be looked at, examined and put away. I need to forgive myself for being so harsh. For the abuse I put my body through. I need to forgive myself for ignoring the voice that was screaming in my head for so long.
Trust: in this list I found I defined trust as allowing someone into my life and hold nothing back from them.
I feel that trust for me is now different. I am not sure how though.
Betrayl: in this list I defined betrayl as making a promise and than not following through on it. Thus breaking the trust between myself and the other person. There can be no friendship once a  betrayl occurs.
Friendship: Friendship is a two way street, each giving and receiving. There needs to be trust, faith and no fear that I am going to be judged when I really need to reach out. When there are problems (real or perceived) an open discourse must take place to enable the lines of communication to remain open.
I am not sure what I was going through at the time. I do not even know when I wrote this list out. Yet it is even more relevant to me now. Within this journey I am on, I need to redesign the way I view things. I need to make myself responsible for my thoughts and emotions. I need to take ownership.