Even Keel

I am sitting watching Parks and Recreation. I have really been enjoying it. Today I cried when Leslie hugged Ron who announces that he is not down with it and she says she doesn’t care. And I thought why can’t I be as happy as Leslie Knope?
Now I realize that this is a fictional character created for television. She is an optimistic, smiling, happy and caring individual. Even when things are not going her way, she buckles down and gets it done. An incredible skill for gift giving as well.
I miss being happy. I miss laughing. I am not always a sad sack. I do laugh, there are moments where my life feels a little brighter. But I am looking at myself and realizing that despite thinking I am better, there are small signs that I am not quite up to 100%. I am still unable to read. This of all things really kills me because books have always been my escape. I will read a page or two and than I set it aside as my concentrations wanes.
I look around the apartment and though tidy, it needs a good vacuuming and the bathroom could use a once over. Yet, I am okay with how it is looking. I cannot muster the energy at the moment to do anything.
These ups and downs of my emotions cause me turmoil. When I am up and happy, I feel great. When I am down, I weep and feel sorrow. I want to hide away. I would love to be on an even keel.

Strangled

Strangled by the threads of expectation

pushed on one’s self 

until they are choking

unable to articulate their screams,

because today nobody cares.

Pushed into the rubber room,

walls plush with velvet padding

tormented screams rent the air

as demons play games.

Games of love, 

only to be shown that love is not for them.

Games of torture,

voices grinding in their ears

until they can take it no more.

Strangled by the threads of expectation

unable to bear 

this less than perfect image.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

December 31/17

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