Anxiety

How do I explain?
How do I make you understand
what it means
when anxiety’s talons grip my soul
my heart
turning my mind against me.
Everything I know to be true
suddenly become lies
gnawing at me
eroding my self-confidence
for anxiety has a way
a way of making
taking
breaking
so I have no control.
All I need is the small stroking
of my mind.
There is a voice.
Insidious.
You will never understand
for it is my voice
repeating
whispering
snide remarks
that no one cares for me.
I need to be comforted
held
confirmed
to assuage the blackness within.
Anxiety.
Unless you have felt it
unless it has wrapped cold arms
wicked legs
winded its black way
through your body mass
until no longer do you know
which voice is true.
Anxiety.
Colors my world black
bony fingers snatching my soul
as I try so hard
not to let anyone see.
Sept. 30/18
Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash
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Circumcision

So like any good mother I have terrorized and probably caused T some psyche scarring.
We were watching House as I was exercising. Well I was watching House and T was playing with his lego on his couch, back to the televison. Something caught his attention and he turned to watch the opening scene. A man had come into the clinic and House was trying to determine what reason brought him in. Apparently the man’s new girlfriend had never been with an uncircumcised man and had been a little freaked out. So the guy had taken a box cutter and cut the excess skin off.
T looks over at me absolutely horrified and asks if the man had cut his penis off?!?
I have two choices here. Maybe some would have gone with the ‘no it is only a show’ and left it at that. Choice number one. I on the other hand took choice number two. I tried to explain to him what circumcision was. How it use to be very common when boys were born that the foreskin was removed. That now a days it was a choice made by the parents. There was no real reason to have it removed. Unless your are Jewish and I did not explain that because I really do not know the religion behind it.
T stared at me disbelief written all over his face. And I realized that I was doing a very bad job explaining this medical procedure to him. So I did what any one wanting to scar their male child even more does, I googled it. Clicked on the images and handed the phone to him. T scrolled through pictures making comments like that looks like an old man’s (???) and rather grossed out. He handed back the phone to me and stared.
‘Mom am I circumcised?’
‘No, you still have the extra skin. That is why you have to be very thorough in cleaning. Otherwise you can get bacteria trapped, infections can start and than you might have to be circumcised as a teen or adult. And from my understanding that can be extremely painful.’
T thought about it for a few more moments. I could actually see the wheels turning as he struggled with the concept. Finally he looked at me and in all innocence asked me how if they cut off the penis as a teenager or adult did the guy get to have sex?
I reassured him once more that the penis itself was not cut off. That sex was still a possibility. But that was a conversation for another time. When he was a little older and needed to have that discussion. I am pretty confident that I will be receiving a text from the Ex later asking me what the hell was going on over here that I felt the need to explain something like circumcision to our son. And like always I will tell him that I would rather answer T’s questions myself or he will get the information somewhere else. And honestly, if anyone is going to scar him it really should be me because well, I am a little warped that way.  LOL 😂😂😂😂