Math & T.V.

Last night T and me are working on his dreaded math extra work. But it is not so dreaded when it gets down to it. All they have to do is write out the steps to show how they arrive at answer. Same way I learned just longer and time wasting but who am I to argue with the great minds who came up with this ‘new’ math.
However not what this is about.
T did the 2nd question himself and he came slow close. It is when he transfers # over that he is losing something. The pencil he is using has thick lead maybe a finer clicker pencil will help. He did awesome job and even though we forgot some places he felt more confident. He even said ‘mom after this I will bring home more to work on.’ ‘Math?’ ‘Yes math. Hey mom can you teach me to type like you type? I mean I know how to type but it is hard on laptop.’ 
This here is the following reenactment of actual events. Names have not been changed to protect the innocent. No one was harmed in the making of this event. 
I looked over at him a little musically. 
‘Sure. But The keyboard layout is the same as the typewriter I used to teach myself on?’
‘A typewriter?’ T states at me like I have grown two more heads.
‘Um yes a typewriter. I took typing class because it was an easy A elective and as I wanted to be a writer I could not be typing two fingered. So I sat with my book and over the weekend taught myself to type. After that it was fine tuning finger placement.’
I showed him where my fingers were placed. Was told I did not know my finger names. Turns out Pointer Finger is a technical term. Who knew?
‘So mom if you didn’t have computers how did you watch t.v.?’
Well how the hell do I know? I told him there were big round things that bounced signals around.I have no idea what I am talking about so I am making large arm movements to distract him from the jibberish falling from my lips. 
‘And mom if there were no computers how did they make t.v. shows?’
‘They filmed them with a camera. Like today.’
‘But how did it get into your t.v.?’
I could only look at him. I have no idea what to say to him. He hugs me and takes off into his room while I sat there. Bemused and chuckling I am in for the adventure of a lifetime and we are just getting started.
March 7/19
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Untitled Poem #12

I look back
fondly at times
angry at others
on memories I have of you.
From the day we met
to the last one
where you lost
the best thing
the best person
to have ever entered your life.
Pain radiates
filling the gaps left behind
our family destroyed
children left mewling
at mother’s breast
while you just…..
went.
Divorce is never easy
ours so acrimonious
vile words
accusations on both sides
bleeding tears
aggression
finally to being done.
I watched you walk away
a sharp wrench
heart breaking
you never looked back once.
December 24/18

Blinders

Stood upon the bridge
family at one end
life at the other
what do I do
burn
or run for it.
No one thought I would do it
crazy
angry
needing to make them pay
I lit the match
threw it over my shoulder
walking away
as that bridge burned.
No longer will I be the weak one
no longer will I play
this game that you devised
when I was just a child
warping me in so many ways.
Gotta admit
you never knew
blinders you wore
making you blinkered.
To this day
you refuse to see
you refuse to acknowledge
despite the evidence
despite the words
I should let it be.
Too long did I repress this
too long did I hide
drugged
sedated
hiding
why?
So I did not hurt the two of you.
My strength is not yours.
I will not be the strong man
take umbrage
hide your face in fear
just know
I no longer care.
I finally faced my purgatory.
I finally faced my fear.
Walking through the fires of hell
coming out the other side.
Unblemished.
Unburned.
Complete.
Oct. 17/18
Photo by Michael Held on Unsplash

Works of Art in Progress

T and me, we have had an interesting morning. He slept in, me I was up at 6 a.m. when the alarm on his phone (it is not live, it can only be used with wi-fi. No phone calls, no texting.) went off and played for a minute. I did try to go back to sleep, but to no avail. So up I got, made coffee and fed the cats.
T, he slept until 10. He laid in bed for awhile and finally I had to holler at him to come into the living room.
He was mad at me. He asked me to get him a bowl of cereal. I said no I was working out. I ended up getting annoyed. I snapped at him. Raised my voice slightly. Tember rolled his eyes at me. I snatched the phone out of his hands. Walked into my room and set the phone down. When I came out T was covering his eyes with his hand. I sat down on the couch next to him and looked at him.
Our conversation went all over the place. I have a super bad habit of looking forward as a control issue. So that I have everything planned out and I know that nothing can hurt me. Weird that that is how it came out. I keep telling T that once he becomes a teenager he will not want to spend time with me. That his friends will be more important. I am okay with that eventually he will come back to me.
Suddenly T begins sobbing and tells me that I am always telling him what he is going to do. That he is not going to do that to me. And I started to leak as well. I have damaged my child. My anxieties, my depression have scarred him. He is angry with me. And I am badgering him.
I told him that the reason that I was so insistent on us being together, talking and hanging out, was because when we first split, my Ex told me that T had told him that I never did anything with him. That I am so afraid that he will still feel that I do not spend enough time with him. Tember got really angry and said that he had never said that. (I imagine some of you are wondering why I would tell T that his dad made that comment and I am not telling him something that he has not already figured out on his own. Yes, run on sentence. ) T said the Ex had made that comment.
I took a deep breath and even though tears still leaked from my eyes, I told T we were going to change. That I was going to work very hard to stop planning so far ahead. That we are going to start living in the moment. I also told him that he would have to help me with this. That if I started to plan too far ahead (like when he is 30) he will rein me in.
I asked him once more if he wanted me to speak to his dad about the fact that T feels that he is not spending enough time with him. Adamently told me no. I told him that I loved him. He told me he loved me. And than the goofy talk started.
I said to T that maybe one day I will win the lottery. That I would be able to stay at home and be with him all the time. I would follow him everywhere. Helping out in his classroom. I do believe that although he laughed along with me T is horrified to think that I may actually do this. He said several times that it would be odd, awkward and disturbing if I were to follow him everywhere.
This segued into a conversation about school. That I would not be helping the students. That I would be doing paperwork with the teacher. Which some how led to us talking about math. And how bizarre it was the way they did it now. That in my day we did not require a Ph.d in Metaphysical blah blah blah you get the point. At which point T annouces that that was ’80’s math’. You know like more than 20 years ago. Ha.
I grabbed a note book and got a pen. Sat down and made up a number. I showed T how we use to multiply numbers. We flipped over to a clean page and T wrote out his way. Our answers did not match. I had to get out the calculator and show him. His response to being shown that the calculator and my answer matched: ‘Mom you cannot believe calculators. Or Google. Or the internet.’ I could only stare at him in disbelief.
I have been working very hard not to use the angry raised voice. My annoyed voice rises slightly but it is not the raised voice. I need to work on my listening skills, and rather than responding quickly and saying the wrong thing, actively think about what I am going to say. A couple of times I did do this while we were in the angry part of the conversation. I stopped myself from whatever I was going to say and took a deep breath before continuing.
T and me, we are going through growing pains. There is also the fact that we are seeing one another every day with the exception of the Saturday and Sunday of his dad’s week and the Sunday at the end of my week. That is an adjustment. As well, I can only imagine how hard it must be to go back and forth between two very different households. T goes from little to no rules to rules and routine.
I cried. T cried. We had a really good conversation. I know that there is no rule book for parents. I am learning how to parent T as much as he is learning who he is and defining the values that he will hold dear as he becomes an adult. I am evolving as well.
We are works of art in progress.

Parent=Antithesis of Cool

***Picture is mine taken Aug. 19/17 my bro and nephews.***

There is literally only one thing that any older sibling wants to do in their lifetime. And that is to crush an illusion that a younger sibling holds so that they are unable to ever hold onto it again. Last night I got to do just that with my baby bro. With the help of his children.  Apparently he has been suffering under the delusion that he is cool.

You read that right.

My 38 year old brother, father of 3 teenagers, believed he was cool. You will notice the past tense I am using.

Myself, my nephews and my niece, disabused him of that notion.

The conversation started off innocently enough. He had been texting me while I was at work and once I got home and settled we continued to talk. He was having a great evening with his therapist Wayne. Wayne Gretzky that is. Apparently the great one makes rye. Who knew?

First he thought that he could trick me. We were having a conversation about spelling. He told me he was a great speller. I informed him that auto-correct does not count towards his ability to spell. D than said to me ‘go ahead, give me any word and I can spell it correctly.’

At some point time in his life, D fell under the belief that he could trick me. Thus far, I have a score of about 1000 to his 0. My response, ‘dude if I give you the word it will already be spelled correctly and you will just copy it.’

I am sure he was sitting in the corner of his couch chortling away, thinking that he had finally caught me out.

Than he did something that drives me absolutely nuts. He began to shorten words and misspell them. When you are a writer that is enough to drive the knife in and twist it. I finally corrected his spelling and was informed that this is a new thing that the kids are doing these days. Shortening words. Cool lingo.

As far as I am concerned they just look illiterate.

I love my niece and nephews. I love my son. But they are kids. And kids are assholes. They think that they know everything and anything. I know this because I once was a kid. I was the biggest asshole around.

When I informed my bro of the fact that he just looked illiterate, he laughed and said ‘doesn’t matter I am still cool.’ I nearly fell off the couch I was laughing so hard. It is a good thing that I can type through tears because they were threatening to fall as I howled.

I made him ask his children if they thought he was cool. I also let him know that if they did say he was cool, they were liars. ‘You are a parent. You are the antithesis of cool.’

D asked. His children broke his heart. At 38 years of age, D must finally reconcile the facts. He is no longer cool. His children and me, we are cruel creatures he informed me. Crushing his dreams. All I could get out of him was that the kids told him ‘dad is not cool.’

It had to be done. D could not be allowed to suffer under this delusion any longer. After crushing his coolness dream, we discussed our weirdness. And how that is just who we were. And how it is kinda cool to be weird. But the kids cannot see that because to them normal is ‘cool.’

So with our weird freaks flying free D and me, we are cool. It is the kids that are not.

 

 

T’s turning 9

My little boy is turning 9 on Monday, August 7th. (Just in case anyone is so lost in the summer that they are not quite sure of the date he he he) This is going to be a hard one for me as he is with his dad so I will not be seeing him. I lied. I just text his dad(at 6:50 a.m. on a Saturday morning) to ask him to rearrange plans so that I could at least see T and give him a hug and kiss.

T is not so little any more. He was born two months premature. Due October 4th and decided to arrive on August 7, 2008. We were building the ex’s shop and joke that T wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

I was scared.

When I found out I was pregnant.

Bear in mind I was 35 not 25.

It is a kinda funny story how it all started. At work I had been complaining that my boobs were killing me. Everyone joked that I was pregnant. I scoffed. We had been trying for 5 years, were in the final process for adoption (where they did home visit etc.) but damn when my 3 lb cat stepped on me I nearly killed her they hurt so much. Clue number 1.

I could not understand why I could no longer drink coffee. I wanted it. I would pour my cup and set it down. Take a sip or two and than allow it to grow cold. I love my coffee. There is life in my coffee. And niceness. And civility. Should have been clue number 2.

It was our first new long weekend in February. For non-Canadians, the government decided that it was too long for workers to go from January to March/April without having a long weekend. So in February we have Family Day or as in Manitoba, the province I live in, Louis Riel Day. A long weekend. My ex decided to go snowmobiling. I was excited to have Saturday and Sunday and most of Monday to myself.

Got home from work and set the groceries down on the floor to be put away. When I heard the first growl I snapped around. Oh shit! Odin my cross Great Pyrenees x Collie x St. Bernard and Nero my Rotti were about to go head to head. And I was on my own. I screamed and yelled. I threw a heater trying desperately to get them to stop fighting.

I had Odin on the porch and was kicking at him. Kicking him, hurting him, something I swore to never do. I had a hold of Nero. Almost had the door to the porch nearly closed when Nero surged forward bursting into the room. Now I am in the porch, desperate to pull these two dogs, who combined, weighed 200 lbs to my petite 115 lb frame, apart. They are snarling, saliva is spraying and I am screaming and yanking at them.

Nero hit the stand up tool box that we kept on the porch. Sockets rained down. I was trying to get the door open, because despite the fact it killed me, I needed to get them outside so the fight could end naturally. My socks were wet from the cream that someone had bitten and it had flowed all over the kitchen floor. I was not aware of this. I stepped on a socket and down I went. Hard.

Oh boy. Now I was mad. To top it off, as I stuck my hand out for balance, I managed to stick it in Nero’s mouth as he was in mid-bite. By the time that my brain even registered that I had been bitten, he had already let go and was looking at me. My anger and frustration, fear and tears turned to rage in that moment. Rage that my damn dogs wanted to fight. Rage that I was alone dealing with this. Rage that I had been bitten! I slammed open the door leading outside and screamed at them to get out.

Stood at the kitchen sink washing the wound while screaming out the window for them to stop. The entire fight lasted no more than 2 minutes, 3 tops. It felt like an eternity to me. I got Odin in the house, put Nero on the porch and looked at my hand. Yep, pierced right through fat and oh my god is that bone????????

Called my girlfriend up and she and her boyfriend left the restaurant they were at before they even got their meal, to come and get me. Hospital here I come. They could not believe my lack of fear and stoicism as my hand was cleaned and bound. Heavy duty meds to counter any infection and I was sent home. With a doctor’s note, I was now off work for the week. (As an aside my hand blew up to 3x’s its size and I could not move it the next day, or the day after that.)

Up until this point my periods had been every 28 days without fail. So when I skipped the Sunday after that fight, I put it down to stress. By Wednesday, I was concerned and I purchased a home pregnancy test. Took it and began to clean the house. Completely forgot about the test for an hour. An hour people!!!! When I did remember in I went in to be presented with 2 double pink lines. The first thing I breathed was ‘Holy Fuck man, I cannot do this.’

Called the ex. Called the doctor for a second opinion. They told me to come in as soon as I could pee again. I drank two bottles of water and off I went. I was scared as shit. I had lost my daughter when I was five months pregnant with her. There has never been any answers for me as to why that happened. This was 15 years prior. I was in shock.

T was an extremely laid back baby in the womb. Rarely moved, when he did it was in response to my drinking a Coke (which I had stopped drinking years ago, switching to Pepsi, but he liked Coke. Or I had eaten a chocolate bar) Or when Patches the cat draped herself over my tummy and purred away. He liked that. He was not a fan of anything with processed sugar so I ate a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables.

From day 1 I knew he was going to be a boy. Everyone warned me that saying he was a boy meant that I was having a girl. But I knew. There were a lot of differences between this pregnancy and my daughter’s. However, he had a strong heartbeat, when he chose to kick me they were good strong kicks. Yet still I worried.

Tuesday August 5th, 2008. I worked a normal day. Except I knew that something was off because I barely ate. Got home, made supper which I again barely ate and flaked out on the couch. I was exhausted. Could not keep my eyes open. Something was not right. The ex came in and I told him this as I was preparing for bed at 8 p.m.

Got up at 10:50 p.m. to go to the bathroom. Made it to the bedroom doorway when it happened. My water broke. Now I was terrified. I still had 2 months to go. And it just kept coming. An incredible sense of calm broke over me as my ex panicked. I dressed although by the time I got to the hospital my sweats were soaked.

At emerg I was asked if I was okay to walk down to admissions. My eyebrow shot up. Away I went only to be sent back to emerg 2 minutes later with papers in hand. The hospital is not outfitted for premature births so I was going to be sent to Winnipeg, if in fact my water had broken and I had not just peed myself.

That is right folks. The nurse on duty asked me if I was sure that my water had broken and I had just not peed myself. (Mom I love you and know you have mad nursing skills but I nearly decked this woman). Off I was sent to pee in bottle because well all pregnant women have to pee in little bottles for months and months.

Then came the test to ensure that my water had broken. This one a little more invasive and potentially could lead to infection. And they lost the first one. So I had to allow more invasions only to be told what I had already told them. My waters had broken. Ex was sent home to get me clothes to change into. Thank god I had my book with me. Although truth be told, I would read the same page over and over again.

I was fucking scared. T had been pretty quiet. I was set up on an i.v. drip to, I don’t even remember. I had no one to call. I mean yeah, I could have called mom or the bro. Truth be told, I wanted, I needed a girlfriend who would come running, hold my hand and tell me everything would be totally fine.  My ex was not really helpful in the face of an emergency so there I was deep breathing, trying to control my anxiety and wait.

I was taken by ambulance to St. Boniface in Winnipeg. By 5 p.m. Wednesday August 6th I was dilating and having contractions. Mom got a speeding ticket as she rushed to my side. My bro and SIL came to offer me encouragement. The ex’s mother showed up and wished she could go into the delivery room with me. Also made it all about her. The drugs were wonderful though. No epidural for this girl. No Morphine. They gave me Fentanyl which could be given right up until I went into the delivery room as it did not affect T. Epidural, I was pretty far along in my contractions because I had back labor, might not have worked. So why try?

Again my labor was fairly easy. My contractions were five minutes apart. Lasted a minute. The worst two I had, when T moved into the birth canal and his head popped out. When his head came out I was ready to quit until told all I needed to do were little pushes. Waved my hand at the doctor and informed him ‘I could so do that.’

I had been warned not to worry if T did not cry when he arrived. His heartbeat had been strong throughout labor. But when my little guy arrived and they laid him on my belly, he squalled and screamed. Tears filled my eyes as I reached down and said ‘Welcome to the world baby.’ And he grabbed my thumb and squeezed. 16.5″ long and 3.15 lbs. Six weeks in NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) and then he came home.

Flash forward nine years later. To look at him you would never know that he was premature. There have been no delays in his development.  He is smart as a whip. Funny with a sense of humor that rivals mine. (He also has a dirty little mind that I am working very hard to ignore) His sarcasm is coming to a fine point. And I am sure that by next year he will be as tall as me, if not taller.

And on Monday, August 7/17 my baby is going to be 9. OMG I just realized that next year he will be a tween!!!!! Will I keep my hair?

 

 

 

Not really sure….

I am going to apologize in advance. This is probably going to be a rather disjointed and completely odd blog. Basically it is going to end up much like my actual conversations do. All over the place. Because without fail, one thing I am talking about leads seamlessly to this other thing. It all makes sense. At least in my mind, however, I have been known to cause some deep confusion and perplexity. Thus my advanced ‘I am so sorry.’

I have not written much. Have been going through a lot of my older poetry and posting those as they have struck a chord with me. I have been rereading posts on Facebook that I made as I began to recover from my depressive state in 2014. Those have been hard to read. I find myself crying in sympathy for the creature I was. So broken and alone. Even though I was still married at the time, a mother, a daughter, a sister, unfortunately as hard as they tried, they could not really understand what I was going through.

Admittedly that depressive episode sent me on an evolutionary journey. I began to claw back my space, my time, my self. I began to be more confident and happy. I spread out my interests and was no longer afraid to say this is me. I put myself in the forefront as opposed to always hiding in the background. I could finally look in the mirror and not only like but be proud of the woman who was looking back at me. It lead to the dissolving of my marriage as I realized that the man I had just spent the last 20 years with, was not the love of my life. We did not have anything in common besides our son. I am grateful for the child that we created but I am a better woman, a better mother for being apart from him. Much as he is a better person, a better man for being without me. He told me at one part that this was the best thing to happen to him, he could not remember when last he had been this happy. I had a few people say he was trying to anger me, I said I hoped not, because I really do want him to be happy.

In the last year and a bit I have learned a hell of a lot again about myself. One is that I will need to remain on my anti-depressants for life. This causes me a wee bit of a quandary for I write like a demon when I am depressed. The words flow and bite, I have no shortage of ideas. My creativity spirals and dips, clinging to the wall and than breaking apart to dance in raindrops all around me. I know that I can write when I am happy. I wrote an entire novel in high school and no one can say I was depressed that whole time.

Oh wait, it was high school. I was the opposite of popular. But I had rocking friends and really who wants to be a part of the blonde perfection team? Such a hard standard to live up to.

This passed year I have made some huge changes. December 9/16 I quit smoking. My blood pressure was out of control. February 2017 I went back on my meds and my life has been amazing since I crawled out of that black cesspool. July 1/17 I quit drinking alcohol. At least until the end of my holidays on Sept. 10th. I needed to prove to myself that I could.

My father was an alcoholic. He died 13 years ago. Not really missed. I found myself in a pattern of always finding men like him. Incapable of looking after themselves, drinkers, irresponsible. Despite the fact that I would constantly promise myself that I would not be with nor marry a man like my father in all regards I did. Than once my marriage imploded (it did not dissolve amicably made worse by our continued living together until nearly 6 months later) I began to drink. And heavily.

So I made the decision that I was done. No more. T accused me of quitting drinking because Chichi (my mom) was home. I was honest with him and told him I quit because it was becoming a problem. He was stopped by that answer. Every so often I would really like a glass of wine but I think about T and this promise that I have made myself and eventually that urge passes.

I, who have always despised and never really required exercise, have added it to my daily routine. I was given a stationary bike that I ride between 1/2 to 3/4 of an hour 3 to 4x a week. I also have some toning exercises that I have thrown in for myself. Nothing serious, no work out DVD just a few things to tone and shape.

I have also changed the way that I eat. More fish, salad. Fresh veggies. Less pizza, fast food. Eating breakfast. Not sure if this also has to do with my turning 45 this year but it really has been a year of change thus far.

My blood pressure is the envy of mom. I am happy all the time. Laughing. T is with his dad for the next three weeks and I was telling my boss about it. Said to him ‘I have three weeks to do the things I cannot do while I have T with me. And than after that I have him for three straight weeks as well.’ My boss looked at me and said ‘Only you could find the positive in this.’

It took me a long while to compute what he had said to me. And it made me realize how far I have come in the last six months. How much happier I am. How I always have a smile on my face, a giggle or laugh ready. I will retrain my brain on writing happy if that is what it takes. Or it might just be the summer thang.

When I was younger I could only write from September to June. The school year. Do not ask me why. It may be that I love being outside and in the sun during the summer. Friends were always available because well, we were kids. So before I really panic I will wait for the school year to roll around and see if I cannot become more productive in my writing.

Until than I will reread and rediscover older poetry. If it strikes me and makes me think, I will post. I am okay with that. For as I discover this new person who is me, I am patient and willing to bet that eventually, the neural pathways will straighten out and the creativity will once more pour forth from me. 🙂