Learning to Care

I am proud of me
in a non-egotistical way.
Not proud of my abilities
nor of my talents.
What I am most proud of
is how far I have come.
Where once I could not imagine the end of the day
where once I thought that I had no strength
that forever more I would be a poor wretch
stalking through the dark thoughts
trying to find the exit.
Yet I have seen the exit
burning bright in the distance
and every day,
it comes closer.
Truely there is no exit from depression
but there is recovery
there is relief.
I will learn to live in the moment
to live each day to its fullest.
I will learn to manage my sad days
so that they do not overwhelm me.
I will reach out to those who support me
when I need to feel comfort.
Most of all though,
I forgive myself,
I love myself
and from now on, I will take care of myself.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Feb. 20/18
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Works of Art in Progress

T and me, we have had an interesting morning. He slept in, me I was up at 6 a.m. when the alarm on his phone (it is not live, it can only be used with wi-fi. No phone calls, no texting.) went off and played for a minute. I did try to go back to sleep, but to no avail. So up I got, made coffee and fed the cats.
T, he slept until 10. He laid in bed for awhile and finally I had to holler at him to come into the living room.
He was mad at me. He asked me to get him a bowl of cereal. I said no I was working out. I ended up getting annoyed. I snapped at him. Raised my voice slightly. Tember rolled his eyes at me. I snatched the phone out of his hands. Walked into my room and set the phone down. When I came out T was covering his eyes with his hand. I sat down on the couch next to him and looked at him.
Our conversation went all over the place. I have a super bad habit of looking forward as a control issue. So that I have everything planned out and I know that nothing can hurt me. Weird that that is how it came out. I keep telling T that once he becomes a teenager he will not want to spend time with me. That his friends will be more important. I am okay with that eventually he will come back to me.
Suddenly T begins sobbing and tells me that I am always telling him what he is going to do. That he is not going to do that to me. And I started to leak as well. I have damaged my child. My anxieties, my depression have scarred him. He is angry with me. And I am badgering him.
I told him that the reason that I was so insistent on us being together, talking and hanging out, was because when we first split, my Ex told me that T had told him that I never did anything with him. That I am so afraid that he will still feel that I do not spend enough time with him. Tember got really angry and said that he had never said that. (I imagine some of you are wondering why I would tell T that his dad made that comment and I am not telling him something that he has not already figured out on his own. Yes, run on sentence. ) T said the Ex had made that comment.
I took a deep breath and even though tears still leaked from my eyes, I told T we were going to change. That I was going to work very hard to stop planning so far ahead. That we are going to start living in the moment. I also told him that he would have to help me with this. That if I started to plan too far ahead (like when he is 30) he will rein me in.
I asked him once more if he wanted me to speak to his dad about the fact that T feels that he is not spending enough time with him. Adamently told me no. I told him that I loved him. He told me he loved me. And than the goofy talk started.
I said to T that maybe one day I will win the lottery. That I would be able to stay at home and be with him all the time. I would follow him everywhere. Helping out in his classroom. I do believe that although he laughed along with me T is horrified to think that I may actually do this. He said several times that it would be odd, awkward and disturbing if I were to follow him everywhere.
This segued into a conversation about school. That I would not be helping the students. That I would be doing paperwork with the teacher. Which some how led to us talking about math. And how bizarre it was the way they did it now. That in my day we did not require a Ph.d in Metaphysical blah blah blah you get the point. At which point T annouces that that was ’80’s math’. You know like more than 20 years ago. Ha.
I grabbed a note book and got a pen. Sat down and made up a number. I showed T how we use to multiply numbers. We flipped over to a clean page and T wrote out his way. Our answers did not match. I had to get out the calculator and show him. His response to being shown that the calculator and my answer matched: ‘Mom you cannot believe calculators. Or Google. Or the internet.’ I could only stare at him in disbelief.
I have been working very hard not to use the angry raised voice. My annoyed voice rises slightly but it is not the raised voice. I need to work on my listening skills, and rather than responding quickly and saying the wrong thing, actively think about what I am going to say. A couple of times I did do this while we were in the angry part of the conversation. I stopped myself from whatever I was going to say and took a deep breath before continuing.
T and me, we are going through growing pains. There is also the fact that we are seeing one another every day with the exception of the Saturday and Sunday of his dad’s week and the Sunday at the end of my week. That is an adjustment. As well, I can only imagine how hard it must be to go back and forth between two very different households. T goes from little to no rules to rules and routine.
I cried. T cried. We had a really good conversation. I know that there is no rule book for parents. I am learning how to parent T as much as he is learning who he is and defining the values that he will hold dear as he becomes an adult. I am evolving as well.
We are works of art in progress.

Contradiction

Haunted kisses
moonlit eyes of wonder
trembling caresses
a virgin ripe for the taking.
Offered to the gods
forsaken by her people
left to wander lifeless vistas
as though she is the criminal
the one found to be lacking.
Terror and delight
should not,
could not
co-exist together
in one person
at all times.
But that is what she does.
A contradiction
from every angle
to becoming
every man’s angel.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
Feb. 16/18

Madness Refused

***Picture downloaded from Facebook. Work is credited to @treeowl
Tis madness that has grappled my mind
wrestling to submission
the good
the wonder of life
to a black void of nothingness.
Wrapping me in black strands of goo
sticky holding tight
the evil
the abuse I survived
will not chain my mind for long.
Gasping in great breaths of air
crystal clear,
crisp in my lungs
expel the tar
that sinks in,
like an anchor
on my soul.
Rip free from the cocoon
that has stifled my voice
hidden it
refused it
for oh so long;
and on trembling wings
spattered with paint
from all spectrums of color
I will soar above
reclaiming myself once more.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Feb. 9/18

Numb

When all I feel is numb inside
is that when the rebuilding begins?
When finally it will all fall into place
and no longer will I be
such a lost little girl.
To where once more
I can soar through azure skies
cresting vibrant mountains
and thrashing seas?
To the pirates who keep me safe
the knave who thought I had to be locked up
in a cell
for my own protection?
The numbness must be a prelude
to the emotions once more returning
to laughter and joy
having the upper hand in this life.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Febuary 8/18

Voices

Within my mind
there resides a voice
it is mine of course.
Every so often it sings its song
and I must listen.
Danger, Danger, Danger
Hide,Hide,Hide
Strength,Strength, Strength
flying at me
swirling around me
making me stumble and fall.
Each of these voices
they are me,
they are mine,
splintered in three.
I wish that they would stop
they would leave me alone
because this new nightmare?
I am not sure
how much more I can take of it.
I am crumbling before you
slowly collapsing into a pile of dust
the fear and venom
bled from my veins.
I will arise
like the phoenix
from the ashes of that girl, that woman
soaring free
taking my place finally
in my own history.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
 Feb. 1/18

Truth

I spoke my truth
while you hid behind lies
tormenting and making me doubt
that I was right.
How could you harm
one you were suppose to protect?
How could you destroy
the woman that I was meant to be?
I have spent years in denial
no, not denial
repression and as my brain awakens
the horror flows through
as once more you destroy my life.
But I am stronger than you
I am better than you
I will no longer succumb to you
and your terror.
I stand on a mountain top
breathing in crystal clear air
this is my mecca 
this is my starting point
this is where my real life begins.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
January 31/18