Hidden Heart

Twist 
turn 
curve around
make sure to follow
left
right
not north
not south
or never shall I be found.
Heart of the maze
surrounded by thorns
kept in a casket.
Hidden deep beneath
safeguarded
dragon’s hoard
escape from
hide from
pain
that cripples
blackens my sight.
Tip toe
brutal cold
mist arises
coating stairs with ice
another maze
hidden dangers.
You shall never know my plight.
Deep within this fort
made of bone
made of blood
made of stone
a sarcophagus
etched with acid
tears
grief…..
my heart is hidden 
safe from promises
safe from love
safe from a world 
harboring no illusions
never again
will I love.
April 22/19
Photo found on Pinterest by The Eclectic Contrarian
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Untitled Word of the Day Poem #29

Howls
frenzied
fierce
baying
fleeing from the hunter
fleet of foot
mazes my protection.
Dancing between love
hate
fear
joy
racing for the front door.
Hoping……
I shall barricade myself
shield myself
harbor
budding love
flecked with burgeoning fear
things cannot remain
as they are.
I cannot keep from you
pain
horror
rejection
drowning with despair
disheartened
as you reach for me
ready to ply your trade.
Beneath the crescent moon
shadows cavort
devil’s prey
casket caught……
Freedom 
found my way…..
Pain 
your only way out.
©April 19/19
Image by diema from Pixabay

Untitled Word of the Day Poem #27

Dense
a bitter taste in the mouth
fog shrouds
unable to see the path at my feet
stumbling over broken flagstones
concrete juts to the sky
what happened here?
Where am I?
Am I lost in a new world
or the old one?
Unable to see 
unable to focus
on what is before me?
Time is ever fluid
moving 
forward
backward
sideways
never knowing what will be born
what era will be relived
only that the fog encompasses me.
Struggling
eyes blinded by darkness
futile 
to see what is before
for that way lays madness.
Do I drop?
Do I curl?
Do I scream to the skies?
Bear witness to my fear
my shriveled husk
chained 
to this black rock you call a heart.
 
March 19/19
Image by Enrique Meseguer from Pixabay

Enough

Hallowed eyes
silent screams
there are times 
when death would be preferable.
When one’s confidence
belief
worth
is torn apart with…..
poisoned words
thrown as darts
piercing through skin
skewering the heart.
What is the point?
Why live??
Continue on???
Each fist 
broke not only bones
spirit
love
laughter
one never knew what would bring it on
the rage
the beatings.
Enough…..
Murderous thoughts
began to show 
one knew he well
when it should on his face.
Enough!
Gun bought
hid on the grounds
waiting to be used
to destroy the monster
who once had been her…..
Lover
Husband
Monster 
hiding behind the mask.
 
March 15/19

Lost

I am lost.
I am found.
Beggers wish
my knees would hit the ground.
Supplicant
beholden
burning fires within
stoked
rage
despair
hatred.
Reaching out with chains
bounding
wrapping
staging your game…
no where shall you go
no where shall you pass
I guard
the virginal soul.
Send not your dart.
Dodging
tying to evade
pricked in the leg
pain
weary
desolation
flood my very being
tears soaking
dripping
filming my gaze.
My lips move
espouting
love
desire
truth
reality.
Falling to the floor
falling through the floor
escaping
fleeing
running
screams following me.
oh wait
they are my own.
January 27/19
 

My Dream

There are no words
no soothing moments
healing the pain 
scraping free 
fresh flesh
covering the burns.
I am lost.
I no longer know
truth
reality
falsehood
lies
I must rely on the clues
the ones that I read.
So easy to disassemble
to ignore
the pain that we have caused.
Not you
not me
all could have been avoided
had you listened 
had I listened
to words we had spoken.
Am still unsure
how you clicked on that word
how you created a fantasy
from a misunderstanding
but you did.
I never said I would fuck another
I said
he would never give up.
I never gave in.
I was true.
From that first time 
to the last time
I fucked no one my dear
but you.
I opened my heart
I imagined a future
one now destroyed
because 
I think 
you saw what you wanted
what you believed would be done.
Never realizing
I was not a little girl
but a woman
unwilling to play games.
I told you.
I warned you.
I was not willing to play.
I am an adult 
no time for make believe.
I want…..
truth
love
loyalty
in the man I dream of.
 
January 21/19

Bombs Away

Despite the fact that my title is a little light hearted what occurred was not. All I can say is I am thankful that T was a little shit this morning and we were running behind schedule.

As we sat in the drive-thru at Tim’s my phone started to ring. At first I was confused and then realized it was my ringtone going off. Grabbed my phone saw it was from the school division and answered. I will admit to some confusion because it was not 9 yet….they should not have been calling me. Also it was coming from the school division rather than the school.

I answered. Yes I know that it is illegal but I was in a drive thru. With the phone to my ear listening. And my heart stopped.

We live in a safe city. Not that there is not crime there is but we are Canadian. We do not worry about bombs or school shootings. Our city still has a small town feel to it. I do believe our high school was shut down once last year due to a ‘gun’ being seen/talked about in school. Nothing more.

So when I answered the phone to an automated message that T’s school had received a bomb threat I listened. Bomb was to be detonated at noon. RCMP were on site. A search was on. I hung up and burst into tears.

Yes, T was sitting right next to me. I am sure he was delighted that the morning was going to be spent at home. Given that he had been begging to stay home with me. Today is my day off.

I live in a bubble. Well not a bubble, given that I am aware of world issues, I am not stupid enough to think that crime does not happen here, but we watch the news from the states and think, ‘not here, not at my child’s school.’ Well it happened at my child’s school and my heart stopped. I would have been freaking right out had I already dropped T off at school and received the message when I got home.

I received no less than 5 phone calls and 5 emails updating me on the situation. And they even numbered them. The school moved the kids to a safe location. The staff and bus drivers were willing to wait with the students no matter how long it took. By message 4 they indicated where the kids were and parents could come and pick them up. Children would have to be signed out.

A suspect had been identified. It turned out to be a student hoax. The thought had crossed my mind that maybe some kid had a test but didn’t want to take…..so they called in a bomb threat.

T did not go to school even after the all clear was sounded. He told me he was scared. How could they be sure it was a hoax? What if there were other people involved? He did not want to blow up. Was he playing on my emotions? I don’t know. But I do know that I was not going to stress him out by making him go to school.

I can not even begin to imagine what parents whose children are involved in school shootings go through. My heart stopped. T is my world. My sun. My moon. My stars. And this when he was sitting right next to me. Reality is beginning to rise it’s head, no longer is the city I live in safe.

I have been weepy today. I hate sometimes that my imagination is so good as it is……

I can imagine anything. In vivid detail. To my detriment….I can make myself cry with what I imagine. What if……

I am glad that it was determined to be a student hoax.

I am glad that I had T home with me.

I am scared of what will come.

This is only the beginning……

Picture via: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stealth_aircraft