Banal Veracity

Hard to say
hard to see
time has come
to worry
to fret
to wonder
what the hell is going on?
I am lost.
I know that.
I admit that.
My needs are simple.
My needs are easy.
Hold me in your arms
make me feel safe
whispered words
wrapped in your embrace.
These are days…..
days never imagined
black death…..
plague…..
might be comparable
front line
never thought it
hand out
supplication
our new reality.
I do what I have to do.
I keep you safe.
I keep myself safe.
I can only do what is…..
expectations must be modified
within reason
within trust
within my ability to give.
My words go out
my words…..
try to offer sympathy
I cannot though
we are too far gone
there is no returning from this.
Bow
plead
deaf ears have turned
no one is hearing
no one is caring
we shall die
while they eat pie
yet
our fault it will be
so they shall see
I am sorry
reality is blurred
there is no saving you
there is no saving me
there is no saving…..
bland truth
blooded dreams
we can go no further.
©March 27/20
Picture is my own.

Angel in Disguise

Icy cold
wind sheers
layers of clothes
paper sandwiched between
looking for warmth
a spot of safety to sleep
while the world blindly walks by.
Looking for food
searching the dumpsters
garbage cans
fighting with rats for leftovers
to make a daily meal.
Half eaten entrees
thrown out
disposable income
no need to take home
there is always food to be found
only have to open the fridge.
She saw him huddled
seeking warmth
turned her eyes away
walking briskly in the other direction.
She looks back
seeing him trudge along
wind battering
voice biting her soul.
‘Excuse me? 
May I buy you breakfast?’
He
startled looks up
sees the woman
wonders if she is a foreigner 
or an angel
come to deliver him.
Breakfast
a card for later meals
and she departs.
A smile over her
shoulder
as he sits
watching
wondering
if he would ever see his angel again.
©Feb. 6/20
Picture via Pinterest

Word of the Day Challenge #83-Untitled Poem

In midnight’s waning gloom
eyes watch
fingers touch
strength drawn from her beauty
watching the slow rise and fall
as she dreams
a smile upon her lips.
You wonder
is it you that she is dreaming of?
You that is making her smile?
Or
in her dreams
is she turning to another
to soothe the bitter ache of rejection?
You know come the dawn’s break
dusky pinks
painted mauves
dotting early morning canvas
waking to blue bird laughter
this rustic peace
this life you have wanted
is about to be torn asunder.
Gaze upon serene face
innocent so in slumber
take a picture in your mind
for soon it will be broken.
So many words unspoken
time managed to slip away
you saw her falling
deeper and deeper
needed to drive a wedge in.
No matter what you say
no matter how much you deny
she will see the truth of it
even as you say
good-bye.
©Jan. 24/20
Picture via Pinterest

Harsh Reality

***There is a lot of anger here and I am not sure where it all came from. I thought this was going to be a cutesy poem about being little and it morphed big time. 
Once when I was little
I fell from the sky
bruised my knee
which a quick kiss
fixed.
Once when I was little
I was full of questions
so I experimented
with things
maybe I should not have.
Then I began to grow
as is the way of children
began to see the world around
realized
fear did begin to grow
that this is what my life was
an always would be.
I am a woman.
I am a mother.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am an Aunt.
My list goes on and on…..
this is not to say
hey look at me
see how great I am?
No this is a list
I would like men to look at
those who have difficulty with a concept
that no means no
do not touch
get out of my face
does not mean
please progress.
Look at that list
close as can be
for I know none of you
were born
fully formed
from Zeus’ forehead.
Now I ask
how does it make you feel
to think of those women
your family women attacked?
Scared to walk through the streets?
Looking over their shoulder
fearing rape?
Can you tell me true
does it not bother you
enrage you
to think of someone
without consent
touching them…….
that is what you do
when you degrade women
believe we are toys to play with.
Think twice
before you touch
think of mom
sister too
if that does not stop you
maybe a gun will.
©Jan. 21/20
Picture via Pinterest

Eyes Wide Open

I stood behind her in the check out line. Peering. There was something about her. Vaguely familiar. Her jacket open with another underneath. To keep her warm? Why did she not just zip up the outer one? Her scent a mix of vanilla and lavender. She was pretty in a sweet way. The wife was nattering in my ear. I paid her half attention wondering about the young woman in front of us. Ran a critical eye over her purchases. Eggs. Pepsi. Pizza. Hmmmmmmmmm…….
I eyed the groceries I had piled on the belt. ‘Hey the first few items are the must haves…..after that we will see’……Nervously I watched the total add up. I had received an unexpected boon today which allowed me to shop for some items to tide us over until payday. Princess looked at me eyebrows furrowed in question. ‘Kay the pizzas. Cream.’ She looks over at me and pointedly at the pepsi I am buying. It came down to personal items (toothpaste/shampoo/vitamins etc) or extras for the kids lunches. Princess flippantly looks over items and in a throw away voice ‘healthy or beauty?’ I cringed having to say this. Furtively I glanced at the customer behind me. Hoping he would not recognize me. ‘Bars. Buy one get one at least have snack for first part of week.’
I zoned in suddenly. Caught the end of the conversation. That voice. Took a moment to cycle through and realized it was our regular cashier. Always cheerful. Smile on her lips. Asked after the family. Teased and laughed with me.Not someone I would have thought would have to make such a decision. I guess I had never really thought about what it must be like for her outside of the service she provided for me. For my wife. My family. Her cheeks reddened as she peeped from beneath shawl of hair. Realized she was checking to see if I had recognized her. Turned away and pretended that I was listening to the wife.
Oh thank goodness he did not recognize me. Benefit of having such long hair. When it is down most do not see me. Princess handed me the bars and I bagged them. Handed her my rewards card hoping there was something I could redeem. Add at least one of the extras but not yet. Shrugged and paid. Ducked my head so that my hair fell forward covering my face. Beyond Princess no one realized I had been there. I calculated what I had spent and yeah so the pepsi is not a must have but a little something as a treat. Not only for me.
I watched as she walked away. Saw her head swiveling subtly back and forth eyes gauging cataloging the people around her. She did not acknowledge anyone with raised voice or hand. She moved quickly neatly between the people blocking her exit. Realizing as she zipped through none saw her a ghost within their midst.
Thank god I got out without anyone seeing me. Hard to explain how money is something you need to count to the penny. Proud asking for no help because you can do it. And it is no one’s business learn to live in your means tighten your belt voice roaring in your head bow beneath the onslaught. Load the groceries into the back of the car pushing the cart back to the pick up area brace self against the sudden gust of rain washing over me baptismal flood slid behind the wheel. Windows fogged as I steam.
I watched standing at the cart corral as she puts her car into drive pulling into traffic. What I was seeing did not reconcile with the picture I had of her. Granted I only thought of her for the maybe 10 minutes a week I saw her. Never beyond but this is not what I had imagined. Kinda like a cartoon that does not end just because the scene has. Suddenly confronted with the bias of my thoughts. Middle class as they were. Laughing because I had been so sure she was middle class too.
I saw him standing watching as I pulled from my parking space. Rain dousing him until he became a blob in the rear view mirror. He knew now. How was I ever to meet his eyes? Poverty is not a sin…..yet we still feel as though it is. 
Jan. 3 2020
Picture via Pinterest

Sacrifice I must

This cannot be real.
this cannot be true 
allow me to awaken
from this nightmare.
Pull in close
lock the door
bar the windows
love lives here no more.
Not even willing
not even a chance
that I am willing
to allow myself to live
to allow myself to love
pain
too much to take
burned one too many times.
She blew in during the night
sashaying
hips swaying
lust first filled my veins
I opened the door to let her in.
Talk
talk
talk
I could listen to her forever
her hopes
her dreams
her needs
her desires
suddenly…..
There was…..
there is no turning back.
She has wormed her way under my skin
becoming an oasis
a warm shelter
that I crave
even as I push her away.
This cannot be real.
This cannot be true.
Even as I watch her walk away
I feel her pain.
She walks on
with nary a glance back
so I see not her tears.
She shall never know
my heart rended
I know this is what I must do.
For her.
 
©Nov. 26/19
Picture via Pinterest

Shifted Reality

Clouded prisms
latticed in gold
eyes shut
blindfold
tempting the fate
staring forward
no justice
no truth
no unchanged reality.
Thought I was crazy
all will tell you I am insane
no one seems to realize
the tiny things
the blips where time is changed
I can see them
even if you cannot.
With each time encroachment
dissolved objections
dissolved investigations
anything that benefit the rich
applied in an instant
while the rest of us
we are bled dry.
I cried.
I screamed.
I tried so hard to make all see
to no avail.
Paranoia
knew I was being followed
knew if not careful I would disappear
left messages
small notes for friends
I knew though time was coming
it was near
something would be done
to silence my fears.
Groovy idea for a novel.
Total science fiction.
Bewildered I look around
at the group before me
my mind reeling.
Standing
I turn around
not sure what time I am in.

©Nov. 24/19
Picture via Pinterest