Mini Melt Down

Today was the day that I had a mini melt down. Okay truth be told, a bit of a major melt down. I am exhausted. In three days I have worked 26.5 hours, and I still have 16 hours to go. I feel as though I have to have all the answers at work. I feel as though I am stretching myself so thin that something will have to give. And I am without my son this week so I tend to be a bit more down, a bit more emotional and than I realize that I am also PMS’ing which makes everything so much worse.

As I snapped at my co-worker about how I have expectations that are not being met by my supervisors and I want to know what they are doing in the evening, she runs me a list. And all I can think is yes, I do that as well. And than comes the ‘well I am helping the staff clean, and bagging, helping on the front end.’ Yes, when it is busy you are either on till or you are bagging. But helping them clean and do the night chores? That is not your responsibility. That is their’s. As it is my manager was surprised when I told him that all cleaning in the front was done by the staff and not the courtesy clerks.

I was almost frothing at the mouth.  And it had started off as a wonderful day. I have not had heat in my car for the last two days which was not so bad due to the fact that it was warmish out. But this morning it was -14 and I needed heat. As I scrabbled around in the dark reaching for the brush/scraper, I slammed it against the glove box and suddenly the fan kicked in, blowing warmish air into the car. I hit all the green lights so it only took 3 minutes from the time I left home until I parked at work.

Everything for the store settle went wonderfully. No hiccups no big issues, I was sailing through.  It looked like a day that was going to be perfect. I should have hushed my thoughts for I must have jinxed them. First I receive a call from one of my cashiers who I will admit I thought was a man at first. She was sick and unable to work. I get it. Filled her shift and went on. Than came the next call. My closing supervisor is ill and unable to work. And now the panic sets in.

Not everyone can cover this shift. They have to be trained and I have 7 supervisors under me. One has booked off, one it is her only day off, two are working with me today which leaves me with two to call. If no one is able to come in that means I am required to work a 13 hour day. And my mood plummets. I already know the answers to my phone calls/texts. No one is going to want to take it. The two that were able to work today both said no can do. So I cried. Because now it means I have to go home and than come back four hours later and work those five.

I called the other two. Not once but twice, I text them too. I pulled out all the punches in stating that if they were unable to work, I would have to work a 13 hour day. I sat in my office with the doors closed for my break and sobbed. Knowing that I could not do this. Feeling crappy because I had ripped a strip off my second. Realizing that my emotions are running amok due to the hormones as well and thank god my boss is on holidays this week because I am sure I would receive another talking to about my mood instability.

I have not had a day like this in a long time. One where everything is going so well. My mood is stable, my energy levels are up, nothing can shake me. And yet today, in a space of one hour, I shot so low and so high with tears in my eyes, that I melted down. I am not proud that I reacted the way that I did, but I was done.

As I sit here this evening, I realize that it was not a good day. It was one of my more difficult days and I think that I have another reason why. Last year on this day, I left to visit my mom for two weeks. And I miss her. And I don’t want to burden her with the issues in my life. For I am strong, and I will not be ruled by my depression, anxiety and ups and downs. Yet every once in a while, I am not that strong and I am emotional and unstable. Today was that day.

Rock Bottom

I stand at the bottom, looking upwards to that slice of blue sky
around me stone crumbles, smooth no hand holds to climb
Nothing but blackness, fear and despair, the bottom is horrid
and I don’t want to be here.

©Jay-lyn Helgason-Doerksen

August 6/14

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