Fears

Everyone fears something.
From spiders to flying to dogs to cats to cars to spontaneous combustion.
The last one may be a little more out there but you can bet that it has happened.
How do I know this for sure?
For there is a warning label on my dryer that I should stand clear in case of spontaneous combustion.
To be honest that and drowning are the two worst ways I can imagine dying.
I can swim like a fish and all my fires are contained.
Was I once a witch?
I floated so they burned me?????
 
I have given voice to two fears this week.
And in doing so I am hoping that they will lose the power to continue to cause me grief.
 
#1-Crying when I watch T ride off on his bike to school.
Every day.
And I could not figure out why.
Finally last Monday after I got to work, having sat in the car crying, I asked myself:
Jay what is it that you fear? What is it that makes you cry when you see T ride off?
I am afraid that it is the last time I might see him.
As I write this I am teary eyed and not because I am worried any longer but the relief that I now know what the cause was and could deal with it.
Tuesday as we said good-bye I told T that I had gotten to the root cause of my crying and told him what it was.
Did not cry for the rest of the week.
 
#2-Having a real issue this year with aging.
I have never had a problem with the milestone ages I think I have mentioned this before.
But the off years 27/38/49 they have been hard.
I think about my age and the thoughts that rage through my mind:
-I wasted so much time under the influence
-I wasted time of T’s life being a drunk and stoned on pills.
-I hurt my son
-I am only now coming to life. (not like today but having left the ex and in finding my way on my own)
-I fear that I am not going to be around to see T grow up.
 
I am not ill.
Kidneys/Brain/Liver have all been tested and seen.
Nothing wrong with any of them.
Which leaves my heart.
Drugs.
Alcohol.
Cigarettes.
I can only begin to imagine the state of it.
 
I am not courting death.
I am not laying around bemoaning  the choices I made.
I take responsibility.
And overall I am totally healthy.
 
Yesterday I gave voice to my death fear.
Told M all about it as I sobbed.
She informed me that she too has thought of it.
And determined that due to K (her 3rd child and one of T’s best friends)  and her grandchildren that she is not allowed to die.
And by that extension I am not allowed to die because she cannot be responsible for both boys.
Her concern: her death will surely follow from the death stench of their farts.
 
I am putting my fears out there.
Not only speaking them aloud but setting them free in my writing.
With this step I am hoping that I can shake loose these feelings and go back to enjoying my life and time with T.
 
©Sept. 20/21
Picture is my own

Massacre

I hate you.
Seriously hate you.
As I sit in my my car
weeping
screaming inside my head
for you to shut the fuck up!
I cannot take it
not much longer
why can I not be allowed
this happiness?
Why must you dig in
claws crooked
shredding
tearing
massacring
me?
Locked within these black walls
cavernous
lost
scared to move
tentative steps
hands stretched out
afraid of what is in front of me.
Hear the scrabble
tiny claws
skittering towards me
giggles
echo around me
nails on a chalkboard.
Surrounded
tiny imps
all wearing my face
pointing
ascending
digging beneath my skin
ripping at my heart
until
there is nothing left.
Just me
staring blankly at these four walls
entrapped in insanity.
November 14/18