Woke up sad again today. Tears falling. A general sense of lethargy. I am forcing myself to do my exercises even though I am really not in a mood.
When you tell people you are sad most, at least 90% in my experience, mitigate how you feel. There is a full moon. Oh you just need to get out more. Oh yeah so and so feels like that too you should talk to them. So I am going to chose very carefully who I tell.
Also, I have no energy to give to anyone but myself. I am not able to prop you up, hold your hand and be a cheerleader for you. I need to focus that energy on myself. To getting more well so I can go back to my regular day to day living.
When I sit, tears streaming down my face do not assume that I can be made to stop it you offer me chocolate or coffee. I may not even want or be able to talk but listening to you talk to me like I am a child is also not going to do anything for me.
I do not know why I am feeling sad. I do not know why I sit here crying. What I do know is I am exhausted of being there for everyone else and feeling like no one is there for me.
PS: Usually this would be when I would turn to pills to help me to cope with how I am feeling. I do not nor do I have the desire to dull this. I am letting the sadness wash over me and the tears fall. And I will come out stronger for having done so.
I see you looking
when you think I am not;
beneath your lashes.
I see you wanting,
needing the comfort I provide.
Yet I do not know
how to offer it without offense.
I see you needing
the love that I hide
because I am not sure
that what I feel is right.
You appear so strong,
And I know that you want to appear
as though it is easy.
I know how much you struggle.
I know how much you care.
I know how much you long
for that someone to hold you,
to tell you that things will work themselves out.
I want to be him.
I want to hold you tight.
I want to hold you close……
I want to melt winter’s embrace.