Abomination

Daddy was a preacher
a high roller
in a small town
ranting his sermons on Sunday
living in sin the rest of the week.
I knew what his feelings were going to be.
I heard him pontificate on it
many a time
but my heart was sure.
I sat before him
as he glared at me
demanding that I obey
abandon the one that I love
just because it would hurt his good name.
The first lash of the belt
that one hurt the most.
Methodically
slowly he flagellated
each strip on fire
cruelty in his venom.
I cried
begged to be free
but daddy…..
refused to let me go
tying me to my bed
while I screamed with horror.
In the dark of the night
as he snored in drunken slumber
I crept away
never turning around
never looking back
fleeing that house of pain.
I can show you the scars I bear
but I have worked hard
to put them away.
The memories
flood my nightmares
as I hear his roars:
‘You are an abomination. 
God will love you no more.’
September 5/18
Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash
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Darwin

Photo by Ali Yahya on Unsplash

***I wrote this back in April and than put it away after sharing with K & DD. Decided to dust it off and put it here for you to read.***

I lay chained to the bed, hungry, thirsty,

This room is disgusting. The bed I was laying on had not seen clean sheets in about a hundred years. Dust bunnies rolled around the floor with the slightest breeze. I had been left to stew in my own juices. Literally. I had not been allowed to go to the bathroom. The first time that I wet myself, I was humiliated. I had tried to hold it for as long as I could. But the pressure had become too much and I peed.

I heard the door open and turned my head as far as the collar allowed me to. My hair was greasy, lank and fell across my face. It took him ten steps to cross the room from the door. I know because I have counted those steps time and time again. He sat on the edge of the bed causing it to dip. And sighed.

“Shaene why must you defy me? This would be so much easier if you would listen to me. I would put you out of your misery. Rather than you laying here, degraded, less than an animal.”

I was not the hot house flower he took me to be. I knew that if I spoke to him, if I begged him or pleaded with him to let me go, the torture would begin. When I had first awoken, groggy and head throbbing from the drug Darwin had used to sedate me, I had screamed myself hoarse. Darwin had stood over top of me, eyes gleaming as he had drawn the knife across my breast.

The cut had burned like it was on fire. Later I would learn that he coated his blade with kerosene to make it more painful. But that was later. I screamed as lightning flared in my breast bucking on the bed, trying to get away. When the drug cleared my system I realized it was futile. I was chained and collared.

I  quickly learned that Darwin needed  to hear me scream, to hear me beg. When I did not it  dampened his desire to kill. If I did not respond to his slashes and pinches and pricks he would become frustrated. I went away during those times, hiding in the deep recesses of my mind. I am very very good at that.

“Shaene what would make you succumb to me? What is going to make you give me the pleasure that I need?”

Darwin was a handsome man. 6’3” tall. Shaggy blonde hair. Piercing blue eyes that sucked you in. Made you lose yourself in them. His voice was a warm southern drawl that I had melted to when I listened to him speak. Now though it was not so melty making, more like I was getting really annoyed.

“When are you going to feed me? I am getting a little hungry here.” my voice was cold, flat.

“When are you going to beg me to release you?” I heard the frustration in his voice.

“I am not. Do you still have my cell phone?”

“Yes, it is useless though, I turned it off before we got here. No one is going to ride to your rescue.”

“I am not expecting anyone to. I just thought that maybe you could order me dinner from one of my favorite restaurants.”

My head rocked from the force of his blow. I bit my lip, blood flooding my mouth, The collar rubbed against the abrasion that was forming. I bit my lip harder, drawing the blood into my mouth and swallowing it. I breathed once, twice and a third time to still my wildly beating heart.

“I brought you water. No food, water only.”

“You aren’t so sexy any more Darwin, now that I can see the monster behind the mask.”

“Most of my girls have not lasted this long. And Shaene you will break. I will have you screaming and begging for release.”

He held the straw to my lips, and I sucked in as many sips as I could before he stood to walk away. I knew that he stood in the doorway, staring at my body. His desire arose from the designs he wanted to draw on me. With a knife. Dipped in kerosene.

I have been here for three days. Laying in my filth. Smelling my unwashed body and urine. Stale, and greasy with fear. I swallowed it when Darwin was around because it would send him spiraling, Reality was, even though I went away when he began to ply his little tricks, I knew that soon I would give out. And when I did, I would be dead. After he played his games with me.

The windows were covered with plywood. No nosy neighbors who would accidentally look in and see me. I had tried to pull my wrists free from the shackles that held them, to no avail. I could do nothing but lay there. Waiting. And waiting some more.

I could see the room begin to shift shades. From black to a slightly less dark shade of black. Morning was dawning which meant that this was day 4 of captivity for me. I was getting just a little annoyed when I heard the keys scrape into the lock.

The door flew open and I heard a gasp.

“Shaene?”

“Where the hell have you been? Seriously?”

The fetters were released and I swung my legs over the side of the bed. The room spun dizzily and Matti put her arm around me. She recoiled slightly from the smell of me but as my best friend, she kept her body close to mine in reassurance.

“Where is he?”

“Laid out in the living room. I zapped him with the cattle prod. Twice that should keep him down for a bit. Or at least until we get him in the car. Than the shot.”

“Awesome. Where the hell are my clothes? And is there a working shower in this pit?”

Fifteen minutes later Matti and me were in the car. I was freshly showered shoveling the donuts she had brought me into my mouth. The smell of coffee brought tears to my eyes and I swiftly drank some down. Darwin made a little noise and Matti jabbed him with the sedative. It had taken both of us to maneuver him into the wheelchair and over the ragged grass. Both of us thankful for those classes we had taken at the gym.

*********************************************************************************When Darwin opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was my face. His arms were pulled tight above his head. His legs spread wide and shackled with chains. I was much nicer than he had been, I did not collar him. At least not yet.

As he groggily came to, his eyes widened in surprise and he stared at me dumbfounded.

“Hello Darwin, now it is time for us to play.”

Mr. I Wanna vs. Ms. Uncertainty

***Before I begin I want to give credit to raynotbradbury with regards to how I have named my characters. She writes amazing stories and uses a descriptor for the character as opposed to a name. That is what I have done here.***

I would like to tell you a story. A story of a man and a woman. The man, shall we call him Mr. I wanna Be in Charge and Go Fuck Yourself if You Don’t Like It was an insolent bastard. The woman, we will call her Ms. Uncertainty is the Name of the Game and With Acceptance of that I find Peace had fought long and hard to get where she was.
Mr. I Wanna (for short) believed that by dictating to all and everyone that his wishes nay his demands would be followed, thought that he was able to control. Control family, control desires, control aspects of life that were not his to control. Like a spindly spider in the middle of a web he reached out and touched lives that were not his to touch. He thought that with loud words and speaking over others he would get his way.
Now Ms Uncertainty she use to be like Mr. I Wanna until she fell from grace. She gathered in so many reins, had so many horses galloping in front of her wagon, that eventually they all tangled. When they did she flew overhead, landing on her back feeling it breaking. Now Ms. Uncertainty, knew that this was her last chance, she had to become clean so as not to lose her path.
Mr. I wanna was content to let Ms. Uncertainty run her own game, so long as it did not cross his wishes. For when it did, he shut her down, telling her that if she did not comply he would make her disintegrate.
Ms. Uncertainty sat back, and took a deep breath ready to do battle. But first she thought, she would allow Mr. I Wanna his moment in the spotlight before she blackened the scene. And blacken the scene she would. For you see, Mr. I Wanna forgot that when Ms. Uncertainty was crossed that a warrior surged to the forefront, ready to do battle, to cut whomever off at the knees.
Mr. I Wanna sat on his throne, gloating, assured that he had won. He surveyed his domain with a smirk of denial because he knew nothing could tear it down. Of course nothing could, but someone would. She came in silence, shrouded in a cloak of humility and anger, the dagger she carried the words that sprang from her tongue.
Ms. Uncertainty stood before the throne, threw back her hood and glared at Mr. I Wanna. He chortled sure that he had her in his grip while she cocked an eyebrow and pursed her lips. She drew herself up to her tiny little height, while he stood so he could loom. Ms. Uncertainty handed him a paper while she grinned.
Mr. I Wanna read the words, and read them again and again. His cockiness withered, his height was diminished and Ms. Uncertainty grew instead. With hands on her hips and derision on her lips, she stared at the man who now lay at her feet. Shaking her head, she turned to walk away knowing that there was no grace in continuing the beating.
‘Wait,’ sobbed Mr. I Wanna,’I’m sorry I played at a game I could never win. Please, please forgive me, allow me a place in your kingdom.’
‘I have no kingdom, I rule no one, for that is not my way,’ Ms. Uncertainty sneered at him, ‘I let all go they wish. There is no control, no ability to contain situations that are not yours to begin with.’
Ms. Uncertianty walked through the crowds, head held high. She knew without fail that Mr. I Wanna would try to usurp but she did not care.
“When you accept that the future is uncertain, that you cannot dictate nor control, you will find peace and walk in the light.”
With golden sun before her and the blackness of control behind her, Ms. Uncertainty walked forward, never looking back.

Prophecies

Bones piled high

bleached white beneath scouring sands

time has turned for

each passing of the hour.

Tides flow in and ebb out

casting upon the shores

detrius found deep from beneath

magic and wonders not seen

since the last turn of the clock.

Tears leeched from their souls

tasking glories to be replaced

upon cobble stoned streets

that have been forgotten.

Prophecies abound and stories flow

of change to come once more.

 ©Jay-lyn Doerksen

September 28/17

Hello And Welcome

Good Morning All!

I have been a busy bee this morning.

I realized in looking over my blog, that I had way too many categories and duplicates of poetry, writings etc.

So this morning, since 6:30 a.m. (it is now 11:19 a.m. my time) I have been re-organizing and streamlining my categories. I have added more tags, but each item is categorized only once with the exception of my Fantasy-Poetry. It will still also appear in the Poetry Category.

I also in my infinite wisdom determined that I should clean up the images I have added and make more space for my own photos. Not that I have not enjoyed looking for and finding the perfect images to compliment my work, but I realized I have not been giving credit where credit is due. And that is so unfair to those whose works I have stolen without meaning too. I just really like the images.

Well, as I am going along and deleting, not reading what is on the screen, it finally hits my tiny little brain that there are more words than just ‘are you sure you want to delete?’ It actually reads when deleted it will be deleted across the board. Soooooooo I quickly pop over into my poetry and sure enough some of the images I had used are now gone. I will now have to go in and see if I can find any photos of my own to use or see if I was smart and did not delete off my computer.

For those who have been with me in my journey to those who have just joined in on the madness that is my poetry, my writing and my life. The humor and sometimes the sadness that I see, I hope that you will all enjoy.  And I hope that it will be easier for you to navigate through my blog. Looking for and finding pieces to enjoy.

Thank you everyone for helping me to realize my dream.

 

Sidling Shadows

She moves like a languid lynx

slinking across glass littered alleys

tacky with the tears

of so many shattered dreams.

Hard and heartless, she has closed down

using her body as a commodity.

To survive, to entrap, to getting what she wants.

Unsure that even she knows.

Men made her this way.

From a father who held her too dear

to a brother she fought with fear.

From boyfriend to boyfriend

each one always the same…..

It was only the faces and bodies

that changed.

Women too had a hand here.

A mother who turned from her tears

to a sister who could only feel relief.

From girlfriend to girlfriend

relationships found growing in rocky graves

mistrust and jealousy….

It was only the clothes and hair

that changed.

No time for tears.

No time for love.

No time for comfort.

Delving into the underbelly

schooled in trash

she moves like a languid lynx

sidling through the shadows.

Your worst dream.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 10/17

This Small Slip

You are smooth warm whisky

I, the wine one sips in the moonlight.

Your lips chip away at mine,

Mine possess yours

my tongue dancing over the coals.

You are jeans and cold morning milkings.

I am comfort and words have so much meaning.

I caress your face, pull you closer

please don’t forget.

Time is so fleeting for this dance.

I have wondered, I have dreamed

but I know that nothing can come to pass,

in this dangerous fantasy of mine.

Fingers touch for one last good bye,

do not see the tears that I cry.

Forgive me this small slip

I never meant to end up here.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen
August 4/17