Two become One…..

Winter
shrouds the ground
covering all in sleeping death
memories stored
forgiveness withheld
oh damn you poor woman.
Life attacks
in so many ways
how can you be sure
which lesson you should learn?
It is easy to differentiate.
At least it is for me.
I run
I hide
I try so hard
not to face the voice in my head.
I turn my eyes
I duck my head
I am weak
I am
I cannot
I will not
oh shit
hear it comes again…..
the voice
whispering
chiding
making me see.
Truth is not easy to face
to see.
It is painful.
Rip back the scab.
Rip back the veil.
It is time…..
amalgamate me.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own

Timeless Travels

****There are times when I see the Word of the Day Challenge  word and the poem comes to me. Today’s word was such as word. I knew what I needed to write as soon as I saw today’s prompt. I hope you enjoy.****
Time comes when life is reviewed
whether at death
at birth
or
somewhere in between.
Childhood…..
rosy pictures
bleak dreams
nightmares bled into reality.
Teenager…..
anger
rage
disgust
angst so dense
surrounded me like a cloak
hiding me in plain sight.
Young woman…..
wanting
needing
searching
seeking for love
for someone to take care of me.
Ha ha
I bet you never thought that of me
strong as I am
independent as I am
that I would like to have some care for me.
Mother…..
terrified
as I beheld his tiny body
awed
when he looked at me
worried
will I prove to be enough
or with him shall I fail?
Woman I am…..
beautiful
sexual
loving
dreaming
head in the clouds
reawakening that child inside.
my journey
arduous
fraught with damage to psyche
killing attempts on the soul
has lead me here
to this precipice
no longer afraid to fall.
 
©September 8/19
Picture is one of my own.
Matlock Beach Manitoba 2017

Never Again

I hear you.
Chirping away at me.
Chirp.
Chirp.
Chirp.
First time you lied 
should have known better
should have shown you the door.
Second time you lied
I crossed my fingers
hoping that you were done.
Third time…..
Well damn girl…..
I was just an idiot
so lost in lust
I could not see straight.
My desire for you
my obsession with you
all consuming
eating away at me.
Back and forth I go.
Do I love you?
Or do I not?
My lack.
My confidence
gone to black.
Fed your ego
made you so tender
basked in my adoration
how does it feel
now that I am gone?
I saw you.
I see you.
I miss you.
I no longer need you.
Love you still.
Protecting my heart…..
shielded…..
shackled…..
lost
caged…..
found
in your hand or mine
shall never know.
Forgiving I am.
Wiser.
My worth.
My knowledge.
Myself.
Never again
will I forget
who I am
who I am meant to be.
Never again will I lose me.
 
March 2/19
Photo by Holly Mandarich on Unsplash

Learning to Live

Tears
cold
desperate
trace a route
over gaunted cheeks
blooded lips
as I stare in the window
picture a scene
of warmth
of love
one I have been left out of.
I thought…..
silly woman that I am…..
feelings ran true
through you
only to discover that the lies you spoke
broken promises made
a habit of which you cannot be broke.
Silken words
wrapped like ribbons around my heart
tugging
pulling
opening me up
to pain
to dismay
to disgust with myself.
Watching
sadness
your attempt to appease your guilt
drink away
smoke away
you know
in your heart
that you have done me wrong.
Even were you to whisper I am sorry
were you to gather me in your arms
coming back
no longer an option.
I have learned to live without you.
March 1/19

Hello? Goodbye?

Memories
flood
all I have left.
Better times
not laced with tears
fears
deception.
I still want you.
(I instigate each call)
I miss you.
(Reaching out for you)
I know my worth.
(Or I thought I did.
Now I am not sure)
Yet you…
you bring me to my knees.
I would do anything
to feel your lips
your arms
your body pressed to mine.
Friends
stare
incredulous.
What the hell?
How can I forget?
How can I not know myself?
Taken by the shoulders
shaken
slap me upside the head
voices battering….
me?
Shutting down.
Wrapped in the corner
arms around
face shuttered
hidden
black shadows dancing
howling
let me hide under the bed.
I want to be.
I want to live.
I want to decide
do I live
do I die
how to I make this hurt disappear?
Stepping back
find the boundary
set the stakes
you want me
come
crawl
beg
still not sure I should forgive.
I need to think
I need to decide
another chance
or do I say good-bye?
January 23/18
**This was previously written but updated to include today’s word of the day.

My Loss

It was not until today
that I realized
just how much I miss you.
Your smile
your words
your being
sitting
talking
with me.
You might think
my loss is desire
it is not.
My loss…..
no longer having someone believe in me
no longer having someone who loves me
no longer having someone who will fight for me
no longer having someone who feels like home.
I miss that feeling of happiness.
My bed
though king size
has become so wide
so large
I cannot find the end
the sides.
It has become the size
of three football fields.
The knowing
that someone is thinking of me
not day and night
every so often
I make them smile.
My loss…..
the man who made me smile
the man who made me happy
the man….
who knew my past
who knew my degradation
yet loved me still
despite the grey
the emotional curbs
he found in his way.
I cannot explain
why….
I feel connected.
Why….
I feel a depth.
Why….
I am willing to forgive
despite
all you have done.
You are not the only one
forgiveness should be paid
for too did I
strike out in my way.
I found a way
to rip you bare
using my words
my tongue
to cut you down.
To hate.
To love…..
oh hell
I am on my knees
begging you
please
can we not begin anew?
The ball bounces in your court
the ball it flicks passed me
what more can I do
what more can I say
I still want you.
December 17/18
Picture is one of my own.

Dusted Dreams

It was meant to be a dream
a farce
never meant to go further.
Yet it did.
Here we stand
at a crossroads
we must decide
whether to go forward
or turn around
walk back the way we came
to never explore
ascertain
that we could have made it work.
I sit here
tears free falling
mourning the loss
of innocence
trust
love
heart breaking
shattering
destroyed
by one single act.
Our lives
unsure
that it can go back
to what we had
to what we shared.
Love given freely
trust brokered
gone
single snap of the fingers
I want to scream
‘It just isn’t fucking fair!’
This was my dream.
I have had to watch
as it crumbled
sandcastles in the sky
washed away by
treachery and deceit.
Picking up the pieces of my heart
locking them away
jeweled casket.
I will eat the key
give it to no one
shuttered forever more
against love
against wants
against dreams.
Dreams are meant to be broken
not lived.
November 19/18
Photo by Joel Pilger on Unsplash