My Take Away

I have been doing a lot of thinking this week.
About myself.
About how I live my life.
About how I interact with others.
I have been worrying over the fact that I may still be extremely toxic to others.
I have worried over these notions while at work.
I have worried over these notions while working with my plants at home.
I have worried over these notions a lot this week.
Because I do not want to be toxic.
I do not want to cause others harm.
That is not how I live my life.
Then today, this morning, after I went to get gas, milk and creamer for my coffee I grabbed my spray water bottle and went outside to tend to my plants.
I bought myself two new ones this year.
Climbing vines.
I am nurturing them.
I also have a lavender bush I bought as a Mother’s Day gift which is growing well.
I mutter away to myself in my head about friends and people making decisions about you and thinking they know best.
About changing behaviours for others when you have always been happy with yourself.
And I realized, the only person who knows the whole of me, is me.
No one knows the entirety of my thoughts.
No one knows the entirety of my past.
No one knows everything.
They know slices about me.
There are a few who know a good 85% of me but there is that 15% that I hold close to my heart and never let out to anyone.
I thought that I was supporting my friends no matter what.
That while I may not always agree with what they are doing that is not my business.
What is my business should be listening and supporting them with an open heart.
I think that I may have failed in that department.
My take away this week has been that I made changes to myself based on how someone else felt I should be.
It was very subtle.
My take away this week has been that I need to apologize to my friends for acting judgmental and disapproving.
That their choices were wrong.
That is not what my job as your friend is.
My take away this week has been my life is my own to live.
And I do not want to go to my death regretting that I did not live my truth.
The one that I know all about because it is my truth.
June 24/22
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