My Take Away

I have been doing a lot of thinking this week.
About myself.
About how I live my life.
About how I interact with others.
I have been worrying over the fact that I may still be extremely toxic to others.
I have worried over these notions while at work.
I have worried over these notions while working with my plants at home.
I have worried over these notions a lot this week.
Because I do not want to be toxic.
I do not want to cause others harm.
That is not how I live my life.
Then today, this morning, after I went to get gas, milk and creamer for my coffee I grabbed my spray water bottle and went outside to tend to my plants.
I bought myself two new ones this year.
Climbing vines.
I am nurturing them.
I also have a lavender bush I bought as a Mother’s Day gift which is growing well.
I mutter away to myself in my head about friends and people making decisions about you and thinking they know best.
About changing behaviours for others when you have always been happy with yourself.
And I realized, the only person who knows the whole of me, is me.
No one knows the entirety of my thoughts.
No one knows the entirety of my past.
No one knows everything.
They know slices about me.
There are a few who know a good 85% of me but there is that 15% that I hold close to my heart and never let out to anyone.
I thought that I was supporting my friends no matter what.
That while I may not always agree with what they are doing that is not my business.
What is my business should be listening and supporting them with an open heart.
I think that I may have failed in that department.
My take away this week has been that I made changes to myself based on how someone else felt I should be.
It was very subtle.
My take away this week has been that I need to apologize to my friends for acting judgmental and disapproving.
That their choices were wrong.
That is not what my job as your friend is.
My take away this week has been my life is my own to live.
And I do not want to go to my death regretting that I did not live my truth.
The one that I know all about because it is my truth.
June 24/22

And the New Norm is?

Ah…….things are slowly settling into a new norm I suppose? I look around the store seeing husbands and wives shopping together and children too. There has been no relaxation in restrictions but I believe that people are thinking all is good. No major outbreaks. The government is lying. And they are relaxing their guard. I want to believe.  I want to think that this is going to be this easy and things will be……but that is not how my brain works. Not in the least.

Tomorrow is my last early Saturday night close. 12-8:30. Come Monday our closing hour is going to be 10 p.m. Kinda sad because I was liking the earlier time. Also got to spend more time with Tember when getting off at 8:30. However bonus is that I might be moving to all early morning cash shifts……..oh yeah!

I am going to miss this slower pace I will admit that. Having to make sure that I have everything I need or do without has made me more aware. Today my phone died on me. Am guessing I unplugged while charging last night so I had to come home first break to charge. My bank card is in my cell phone case. Cell phone at home. Could not pick anything up. But but but I need Pepsi. I ran next door. Second time I have been in Co-op when not needing gas since this whole thing started.

Really I am just blurting everything out. I want to write but the juices are not flowing so well.

Our New Reality…..when this is a compliment it puts the whole world into perspective:

I was speaking with a customer yesterday as she was bagging up her groceries. I am unable to bag the groceries if a customer is using their own bag so I stand there feeling absolutely useless. She is thanking me over and over for our being there. For coming to work. How we are just as important as doctors and nurses.

And than she made me cry. No word of a lie…..this following compliment made me tear up. And when I told my boss he said that it was the best compliment that we had  received thus far:

‘You are more important than toilet paper. We have water at home we can clean with. But if you did not come to work we would starve.’

Yes folks being compared to toilet paper made me tear up. And made me realize how much our ways are changing.

Today I had another customer tell me that there are so many valuable lessons to be learned from this all. And I agree.

Covid 19 is a horrible awful virus. It’s actual damage will not be realized for who knows how long. But what it has done is slowed us down…..made us more aware of family….of friends….of life.

I had another customer talk about how she was shopping for her parents and an aunt. How it was frustrating but on the other hand they (the seniors) were having to look things up (size/name brand/willing to accept substitutions/etc) and it was like a scavenger game for them. I said how many in situations like this are now seeing family/friends more often and that in and of itself is awesome. She looked at me funny and said she had never thought of it like that.

Too often we fill every minute of every hour with things/activities that are needless just to have every hour accounted for…..now…..I want to fill those extra minutes with memories made with my son. With my friends. With my family.

April 24/20

 

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