Framily****

997 days.
160 days.
These are numbers I am very proud of.
997 days.
3 years and 2 days since I broke up with my pill addiction.
And I have not looked back.
I have not taken anything stronger than Motrin for pain.
For the last two week I have been in pain.
Icing shoulder.
Heating shoulder.
T has rubbed my anti-inflammatory into my shoulder.
I have used on my elbow and upper arm.
I am now down to a dull throb and twinge.
I have a very high pain threshold.
This pain though I cried a few times from it.
And the thought skipped through my mind that it was ok.
I could get the muscle relaxants and use them for pain management only.
But as soon as I thought it I chased it away.
I have come too far to take the chance.
160 days.
5 months and 10 days since I broke up with alcohol.
And much like my break up with the pills I have not looked back.
My sense of smell has begun to come back.
I can smell very strong smells but the subtle smell of coffee/baking bread at work I was not catching them.
I am now.
Dreams.
I know I am dreaming.
Real dreams.
Creative dreams.
I am still not remembering every night but I am dreaming.
A lot of it has triggered deja vu moments at work.
Guess I dream a lot about work.
Or am taping into some psychic ability I am completely unaware of.
If so though I am a boring psychic dreaming of day to day activities.
I have a character awakening.
For the first time in years.
When I say years I am talking about since I was a teenager.
She is skulking around in there.
Maybe not skulking……
lol she just popped out from the shadows and insists that she is skulking.
I awaken each morning early.
Without a hangover feeling like death warmed over.
There is a little extra in the bank.
Not that I can see it but my bank tracking app keeps reassuring me that I am still spending $100 less than usual.
And I can only go up from there.
I am struggling this year with my mood.
Not that I am sliding into depression but the whole year is enough to wear down even the eternal optimist.
I know that this will pass or rather our lives will evolve in such a way as to incorporate the new norms and we will move forward.
However I miss being hugged.
I miss being touched.
I miss male companionship.
There I have said it.
Now no one needs to save me or anything y’all know my feelings here.
Remember my friend called me a cat in relationship style.
One cannot fault me there.
This has been a year of growth and learning.
A year of trials and tribulations.
A year where I have been open about my struggle maintaining good mental health.
A year where I began to explore different aspects of self in life and in my writing.
A year where I have faced some facts about myself that I do not like and work to change them.
A year where…..
I am grateful to 2020 for giving me the strength to finally quit drinking.
I am grateful to 2020 for giving me more time with T and the fun we have.
I am grateful to 2020 for preparing me for the start of the teen years.
Could raising a teenager really be that much harder than surviving 2020?????
I am grateful to 2020 for being a year of introspection and inner growth.
Most of all I am grateful for everyone of you.
I have made friends/family connections within these blogs.
I cannot always read and comment as I want to but I am a silent stalker.
I can always be real without fear of scathing words thrown back at me.
I can always be me.
From My Christmas to Yours thank you all for being a part of my………..
Drum roll please…..
****Framily~Friends & Family Combined.
©Dec. 25/20
Picture is my own
I was informed I was too old to do this.
So I did it.
And took a picture to prove it.

Day 92 of Sobriety

It has been a weird strange week.
 
I was off. 
Felt sad.
Wept.
Felt better.
Angry.
Done with customers.
Thursday……..Please see I’m a Little Radio.
Friday…..I watched the clock.
 
I am not a clock watcher. 
I may take a glance now or then but a watcher no.
And to make matters worse it was a slow day at work. 
Would have gone home but I am taking a week off at beginning of January so was not willing to give up 3 hours.
I smiled.
I joked with my customers.
I had two ladies come through my till and we were laughing and joking.
 
C 1: I’m sorry today is my first day out.
M: Oh day pass?
C 1: How did you know?
M (leaning against till as though voicing a conspiracy) Don’t tell anyone but every once in awhile they let me out to come to work.
C 2: Do you two know each other? (Laughing as obviously not they are friends)
C 1: You just made our day. Thank you so much.
They walked away chortling.
 
I was thrilled at 3:30 to dash out the door. 
All the way home I hemmed and hawed about walking to meet Tember. 
Got home.
Put a hoodie on over my work shirt and sweater.
Put on fuzzy knee hi socks.
Jacket.
Gloves.
Walking to meet him was chilly.
Walking back colder.
NW wind.
We had fun though.
Talking.
My mood lifted.
 
Yesterday I waffled between laziness and should do something.
I always do something.
I always clean.
I did not make the bed.
I did not do the laundry.
I did make beef stew.
I did not write.
No inspiration.
I felt a loggerhead.
There is an itch for change.
But what???????
 
The other day I craved a drink.
I did not have one but I craved one.
And then I did not.
My tracker informed me this morning that I am 92 days sober.
And it seems that this may have something to do with the feelings that I am experiencing.
I have not missed drinking at all.
I have not missed feeling like shit for three to four days after drinking.
I have missed nothing at all about drinking.
 
I have gained energy.
I have adulted.
I am making things my own.
I am embracing the dark ladies that bubble up poking and prodding at me.
 
Psssst Jay…….I have another one. He really deserves to die. Please. Let me out.
Or
Jay……Get him. Her. They did it. Let me at them! Liars. 
or
Jaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…..Don’t open your eyes.
 
I could go on and on but that is enough to freak anyone out so I will stop with the ladies in the head.
I took my blood pressure yesterday as I felt that it was thumping.
123/73
Resting heart rate of 71.
I am back to normal.
Ha ha in the blood pressure range anyhow.
 
Speaking of scary freak out material:
 
Last night as I lay in bed I was goofing around in Messenger sending pics to a friend.
They have filters and I got a little wonky. 
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I was having fun until I got to the last one.
This one here.
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I was laying in the dark so when it asked to find a face a pulled it in really close and slowly backed out again.
Trying to get the right color so the horns would show.
Well……
And there was no way for me to capture this…..
As I pulled the phone back and the red lighting flared my image has its mouth open.
I do not.
On my face face.
Thought it was a glitch.
Until it happened three more times.
No more pictures for me lol.
 
I woke up at 6 this morning and stretched.
Feeling something has shifted.
Not entirely sure what it is but it has.
And then the notification.
Things began to make sense.
 
Three months is big for me.
Three months is always the bar.
If I can get to the three months mark I can do anything.
Taught myself to make my bed every morning in 90 days.
Quit smoking the 700th time in three months after that no patches needed.
Pills. 
I counted down a year for those.
And this year it is 3 years free.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I am proud of myself for accomplishing this.
 
Autumn is here with colder weather and once more I already have my heat on.
That plays havoc with my moods as well.
Have begun to include a Vitamin D to my daily vitamin regime.
Using my blue light in the morning before work.
I know what to expect come winter.
I know my moods are bleaker.
Sadder.
But I know this.
And knowing means I can plan and put into place safeguards so that I am not wallowing.
I don’t wallow really.
Not any more.
 
The anger I was feeling last week seems to have abated. 
My feelings of needing change. 
Still there.
That is something I need to work through.
Usually when this feeling occurs something big happens.
 
First time: got pregnant with Tember.
Second time: left the ex.
Third time: Ka-boom! 
Fourth time: pending.
 
To begin your week with a chuckle:
 
My adopted little sis ‘Queen-in-Training’ (I am Queen) and I were talking about men/relationships:
 
Me: IDK I don’t want to have like a full on relationship. Pretty easy really. Message me daily. Maybe dinner and evening during week and one evening on weekend to spend night. The rest of the time leave me alone. 
QIT: So basically you are a cat.
Me: Huh I guess I am. 😹😹😹😻😻😻
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Have a fabulous Sunday loves. 
 
©Oct. 18/20
Pictures obviously are my own (🎃🎃😝😝)