I am a Weeper

I’m a weeper.
Anyone who knows me in person has seen me weep and those of you on my blog have read many a post about my weeping.
There is a difference between weeping and crying.
Weeping: tending or liable to cry; given to crying.
Crying: demanding attention or remedy; critical; severe:
That is the definitions I found.
With weeping it is the third definition as the other two mention crying.
With crying I went with the first definition.
Odd how the definition of crying does not mention tears at all.
Never mind the menopausal issues arising I still am in sync with a close work partner and mirror her PMS.
Last Saturday I was so bitchy when I it dawned on me and I shot off a text that only other women will truly understand:
Me: Did you get your period yet?
Response: Yeah last night only thing is the raging PMS today.
Me: Me too thank you now I get why I am feeling like this.
When I was PMS’ing or PostMS’ing  I wept.
Watching t.v
Reading.
Talking to just about anyone.
When I began my drift into menopause I realize that I did not weep as much.
Now though as I begin to steamroll my way into menopause I find that I am becoming a weeper again.
I mentioned in one of my Covid posts that I am restricted from looking at the obituaries because I was weeping when I discovered that another customer had passed away.
It is hard.
So many of my seniors no longer come in.
Those who still do I want to hug.
One of my regulars her husband passed away and I had ‘known’ them for 20 years.
I stood and talked with her (weeping) and I wanted to give her a hug so badly but we were on the floor and other customers around.
I love giving hugs.
Hugs are all encompassing.
Hugs make the person know the words you cannot speak.
With hugs I weep.
I feel the person’s emotions and try to draw them away.
Not intentionally but it happens.
I just want them to feel better.
So I weep.
Maybe the weeping is my way of shedding the emotions I am syphoning from others.
The whole start to this was to discuss my growth or what I have viewed as growth.
Instead I meander all over the place about my weeping and empathy.
Yesterday at work I discovered that a friend had been going to school for the last year.
It hurt that I found out from my supervisor and not her but I will get over it.
She did not slight me or neglect to tell me first.
Her own husband told her she was such a jerk not to have told me first.
Was she worried about how I might react?
Subconsciously maybe she did not want to tell me because it made it real?
That she might leave.
Last evening she messaged me about a regular customer who had been wearing masks and then decided not to.
She had just seen him in Wal-mart wearing a mask!
I lol’d and said yeah I had seen him in the store wearing a mask too.
We both wondered what happened.
Did someone talk to him?
Did he receive a fine?
Did he lose his job?
This man was belligerent about wearing the mask.
Stomping through the store and pulling on his mask whining and crying about it.
While 3, 4 and 5 year olds are all around him wearing masks and watching him wondering why he is being a big baby.
That is an aside and meander.
I asked her wtf not telling me she was going to school?
And I did type it as wtf not all spelt out for that would be rude.
Which is when we had that conversation about her being a jerk.
And I told her that she is not a jerk and that I was very happy for her.
She is a friend and if this is something that she has always been interested in she needs to give it a try.
That I support her 100%.
As I wrote those words and as I write them now I am weeping.
I am happy for her.
The sadness I feel is for myself.
For knowing that she will move on and not be there as often.
But as with others in my life this is a cycle.
People come.
People leave.
The situations and the lessons you learned from them may not be apparent but eventually they will.
My co-worker and I started at the same time.
She went on extended Mat leave.
As the lead I re-hired her and promoted her to supervisor.
She was the one who found me in the cash office and went to the hospital with me.
She saved my life that night and I have never told her.
It is going to be hard to let go of her.
She means a lot and we laugh our butts off when we work together.
But I cannot hold her back.
It is my turn to give her strength and courage to go forward.
Like she did for me.
Maybe this post isn’t really about weeping.
Maybe it is more about people who come into your life and leave after they have taught you something.
There is always that main core group of friends in one’s life.
There are always the fringe friends.
And within that orbit move the people who are meant to push you along to another path/level.
We never realize it until after.
I am lucky in that I have warning that she may be leaving.
Okay that she is going to leave.
But without her I would not be the person that I am today.
And I will miss her like hell.
And I am weeping.
©April 8/21
Picture is my own

Lovely Days

The last couple of days have been a mix of frustration and joy.
Being so ticked off I could scream to crying tears of pride.
Today is Friday.
Wednesday morning I got up full of energy.
My ideas for writing were still M.I.A. and still are but I was going to find something to write about.
I hate not writing every day but when nothing flows nothing flows which truthfully makes Jay a bit cranky.
Coffee is made.
Sit down and open the laptop.
Which will not load.
No matter what I did.
Now any sane person after about 20 minutes or so would have given up.
Not me I must perserver.
I need my laptop.
After nearly an hour I finally go in and wake T up.
Last spring when school went into remote learning I bought T a Chromebook to work on.
Plus to go back and forth from my place to his dad’s as I was not going to let him take my laptop for the weekend.
I go in and wake T up to ask him where the Chromebook is and is it charged.
Well mom caught him in a lie.
Chromebook was not charged.
Yet he had been using it to check his school stuff.
Or so he assured me.
Apparently 6 a.m. is the time to ask the questions.
I sit back down and open up the Chromebook and begin the tedious process of having to set things up the way I like them.
Had to download my Evernote program which of course is different for the Chromebook from Windows. 
And not different in a good way. 😠😠😠
I pay for the  Plus subscription but it is not translating on here.
Which means that I am unable to change my font size and style.
Which again causes Jay to be a grouchy pants. 😠😠
That aside I eventually calmed my ass down and got things settled.
Reason why I did not write on Wednesday.
By the time I got home from work I was tired and brain fogged.
I am not sure about anyone else but in the evenings I throw on adult swim or teletoon and zone out.
Read.
Play games on my phone.
More I am finding that I am  playing games.
And messaging with friends.
My evenings.are spent trying to catch up from the day.
Tuesday I fell asleep on the couch.
I had closed my eyes for a second and then T was coming in the door.
Thursday was my day off and I had to go into the city to be fitted for and pay for my new glasses.
Should have them in about a two weeks.
I went with V.
V drove.
She is a horrid backseat driver which I knew which is also why I did not take offence when she said she would drive.
Off we go after getting situated.
I shot off a message to friends telling them that we were heading into the city.
V’s phone dings and she wonders who is texting her.
It was me.wp-16131354176731243388431743166719.png
She had been at the top of the friend list not Papa Bear who I was sending the message to.
We were not even off the drive before we were laughing and almost crying.
Our drive was good.
We talked.
There were somethings V has no one else to talk to about.
But there is me.
Because while I am not the smartest cookie in the cookie jar I have a lot of empathy and life experiences.
We both cried as we drove.
I believe she felt better afterwards.
We arrived at the mall half hour early for my appointment and V wanted to get some clothing for her two kids.
OMG!
I was in heaven.
Princess tee shirts.
Unicorn tee shirts. 🦄
Rainbow tee shirts. 🌈
I squiealed.
There were no adult sizes to my dismay.
Obviously not in a kids store.
From there I went in for my glasses and then shoe shopping.
Not for me.
I have two pairs of runners.
Work.
Casual.
I buy the same shoes all the time.
Eventually we found a pair at Sports Check that she liked.
As we were leaving I told the girl behind the counter that the young lady we had dealt with was very friendly and helpful.
It costs me nothing to tell someone they have done a good job and may make their day.
I don’t know but I do know that I get great joy in complimenting others.
I think some find it shocking how much I notice.
We had Burger King for lunch.
Sitting in the drive thru I notice the sign for mozza sticks.
Me (in my head): Damn mozza sticks sound good. Should I say something?
V (at same time):  And an order of mozza sticks please.
I looked at her and barked out laughing.
She thought I was laughing at her.
Until I explained my thought.
We are on the same page a lot of the time.
As we sat in the parking lot chatting and eating our burgers (chicken for her) we watched a squirrel racing back and forth.
V was telling me about how she spent her autumn watching the squirrel by her place storing the nuts.
How he would pick up an acorn test it and if good off he went with it and if not dropped it on the ground.
Just as she said that the little guy we were watching flew passed the car with a nut in its mouth.
We looked at one another and laughed.
Also yesterday I went and had my hair cut.
After six months.
Not a lot had to come off and my hair dresser was super impressed with the thickness and health of my hair.wp-16130929724913078974415820704339.jpg
I am guessing nigh on 7 months (209 days today wohoooooooo) and some of the damage is making its way out.
Also went for blood work up.
Which after I told my Dr. (who was really pumped to hear I had quit drinking) he included a liver function test.
I went in at 7:30 a.m. to have the blood work done.
So far no news fingers crossed the old adage follows: No news is good news.
Had me a proud mama moment yesterday.
As T is waiting for his dad to pick him up he is pulling items out of his book bag.
Plunks a flower pot down on the table in front on me.wp-16130930794042248242041186109719.jpg
T: Here I made this for you.
M (perplexed): Where did you get the pot?
T: The counsellor at school.
M: The counsellor?
T: Yeah there is this kid and his grandma died and he is having a hard time with it.
     So we go to the counsellor’s office together.
M: And do what?
T: Just chill. Do things like that.
M: Is this kid the same age as you?
T: Yeah he is in my class.
Me: Who picked you for this?
T: The counsellor did.
M (tears in my eyes): Your school counsellor chose you to help this kid?
T: Yeah
M: I am so proud of you T. OMG I love you so much.
T: Mom you would be proud of me if I made a $1.00

Little shit.

I am not book smart.
I know a lot of little things never really the whole thing.
But I do have a lot of life experience.
No more nor no less than the average person however I end up in the lives of people who seem to need me.
Who talk to me and I have had the exact same experience.
I can empathize.
I cry.
Right now I am not allowed to hug but I am a hugger too.
T looks to have developed that empathetic streak.
And I am more proud of that and that it is being recognized than I ever will  be of a report card full of A’s or entrance to an Ivy League school.
None of that is really important as long as the kindness I have seen him do or heard him talk about.
Have a fabulous weekend all.
I am working Today thru to Wednesday.
Than off Thur to Sun may the writing gods be kind to me.
©Feb. 12/21
Pictures are my own