Crocodile Tears

‘I want that!’

‘I want it!’

Tiny fingers grabbing

idiotic ideas flying

peace is a process

ruined by a few

for so many.

Grinning like an asshole

making countries weep

alienating nations

and making oneself weak.

Raising middle fingers

double salute

telling friends to back off

snuggle close with broken regimes

a smile on one’s face.

Things will go wrong

(or right)

it depends on who one asks.

Temper tantrums will fly

petulant display

of stomping feet

wild cries

(crocodile tears)

to turn the mood back.

Wrest control now

while still able

for nothing is worse

than watching a grown man

act like he is three.

 

Photo by mwangi gatheca on Unsplash

 

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They’re just things!

I had a conversation today with a woman who’s niece just lost everything in a house fire. The whole house burned to the ground. Pictures. Momentos. All their furniture. But everyone got out alive. They have insurance so the house will be rebuilt and its contents replaced. The pictures, well I am sure that someone somewhere probably has wedding photos, etc. Momentos are probably gone.

This got me thinking though about how much importance we place on stuff.

I have all my photo albums. I have a box full of school stuff mom kept for me. And I realize that it is all going to end up in a garbage heap somewhere or burned before I die. T is not going to want them. He knows no one in the photos save for myself, the bro and mom. There is no connection. The stories behind them will mean nothing.

The school items are useless as well. Again they only have importance to me and even that is fast going the way of the dodo bird. I have carted that box around through three moves. And I think in 18 years since receiving it, I have looked in there once.

If my apartment were to catch on fire, my concern would be getting T and the cats out. And myself of course. Everything else I can replace. The photos cannot be replaced but how often have I looked in those photo albums since receiving them 18 years ago? Once with T who quickly became bored. I have memories, and to me that is so much more important.

I remember:

How for my 5th birthday, mom put me on the bus (this was 1977 things likes this were relatively safe to do) and I sat in the front seat where the bus driver could keep an eye on me. When I arrived at the stop in front of City Hall I got off and met up with my grandma who took me to The Old Spaghetti Factory for lunch.

How every Sunday after we visited at grandma and grandpa’s I was sent home with a chocolate marble ice cream cone. To this day that is my favorite ice cream.

I remember when my brother was born. I did cartwheels across the front lawn. That excitement quickly turned to dismay once I realized I was stuck with him forever. (He he he he the bro never reads my posts so I can make fun as much as I want)

How T cried when he was born and gripped my finger so tight for such a tiny little thing. And I said ‘Welcome to the world baby.’

That is what is important. Not the material things that people surround themselves with because more is better, but the time that I have spent with my family and friends building memories. Memories can never be lost not even in senility or Alzheimer’s as there is a retreat into the past.

And that is what is irreplaceable. Memories.

Quote-Day 3

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Once more I would like to thank Kranti over at Sparklingthoughts for nominating me to do the 3 day Quote challenge.

I again was scrolling through FB looking for something that would hit home for me when I came across this one.

A lot of the people that I use to let into my life, though they said they were friends did not have my best interests at heart. They would rather tear me down and make me feel small about myself and my passions than support me.

I have come to realize that the people who love me/care for me/want the best for me are the ones I need  in my life.

I have surrounded myself with friends and family who only want the best for me. Who cheer for me and occasionally kick my butt when I really need it. And I am so grateful for them.

I have saved this quote to my phone along with yesterday’s so I am always reminded that those who love and care for me will always push me to be the best that I absolutely can be.

No drama. No negativity.

Happiness and success. We can all achieve it as we work together.

 

Tomorrow is another Day

Today has not been a winning day.
I guess I should have known something was afoot when I took the laundry out of the dryer last night and dumped it on my bed without putting it away or folding it. It is still there. My bed has remained unmade. This morning, I reset the alarm to 5:30 and decided that I did not feel like exercising. I did get ready for work and T and me sat here having our usual morning. And than it began at 8:35 when I told T to get his jacket on.
Another disagreement. I ended up going outside so that I did not begin to yell. I was frustrated about his unwillingness to wear his winter coat to school. He came out and stormed off to the car. In the car he continued ranting that he did not need a jacket. It was not that cold out. And it was too cold for me to walk and meet him after school. It is too puffy. It is too small. Why couldn’t I buy him a spring jacket at least? I than told him that someone may think that I was an unfit mother and call CFS. Which lead to a conversation in which he informed me he would not allow them to take him and there was no way that he was going to another family.
Both of us were irritated when I dropped him off. He did not give me a goodbye kiss. Nor blew me a kiss. But he did tell me that he loved me as he ran off. I watched hoping that he would turn around and blow me my kiss, but no.
I came back home and ate a bowl of cereal before leaving for work.
I am not feeling it. I enjoy talking to the customers and helping them, but I look around and I see how things have slipped. I worked really hard building up our front end. And it has slipped. One of the other supervisors today even told me that they had been letting things slide. I am not wonder woman and I am not riding to the rescue anymore.
This morning before leaving for work, I checked my blood pressure and it was high. 144/93. Which caused me to freak out. Got home from work, and took it again. 143/90. I started to cry. I sent K a frantic message and she told me to calm down. To call my doctor. That it might be possible that I really am not ready to be back at work. I thought that I would make myself lunch and sit down, relaxing. Until I called to make sure that my paperwork for my claim had been filed. And discovered that my hours and earnings were going to have to be submitted before they would top me up. I was calm on the phone but the minute I got off, the tears started to flow.
I know, I know, what the heck was I crying for? It was not as though I could do anything about it. It is a small blip in the steadiness that has been the norm for me lately. I even sent K a message telling her that. But it did not make me feel any better. Even sobbing did not alleviate the sudden sadness that flowed over me. And to make it worse, there was no reason for it. I have dealt with worse and have been alright.
I did end up driving to the school to pick T up. He was right this morning it was too cold for me to walk. I am a bit of a woose tha way. Even as I sat in the car texting with a friend, tears flowed down my face. They would not stop. I shook my head trying to get a grip. I mean I had to walk across the school yard to get T, I couldn’t have tears frozen to my face.
T wanted to go to his friend’s place today but understood when I told him that I had a rough day and wanted him to be at home. He was kind of okay with this but not really. He is 9. Who wants to hang out with their mom when they have friends calling for them. I had held my hand out to him, I think I wanted a flat high five and he grabbed it holding tight. I was explaining about my high blood pressure and work. And maybe just maybe the rejection of my poem, even though I was prepared for it, bothers me a little more than I thought. Suddenly I turned to him and announced that we were going to have lasagna and cheese bread (amazing store made cheesebread) and he laughed at me.
He found it funny that one second I was crying and the next I was excited about supper. We discussed the fact that he needed to plan a bit better for his going over to his friends. I needed to know about it before hand, not when I picked him up. And than I started to cry again and told him that I was sorry, I was not really in the mood to have to deal with people. He looked over at me and said ‘Mom, you are strong. You are very very strong. And you can do this.’
Of course more tears came but they were proud tears. Granted he was trying to make me feel better and we have had a ton of conversations about his not having to do that. But he loves me. And he wants me to remember these things. I looked over at him and asked him what the heck I would do without him.? His answer was that he did not know what either myself or his dad would do without him.
I was talking tonight with a new friend, someone who rapidly has become one of ‘those’ people. She gets me. Even when I am weird. She listens to me as well. Unfortunately for her she is now a part of my tribe whether she wants to be or not. I’ll call her DD. And it has nothing to do with her bra size. As we were talking about her day, she mentioned how she felt that everything that was wrong today would be made right tomorrow. And I began to cry.
Is that not the truth of it? The reality of things? While today I am feeling like I have slipped back 10 or 15 steps come tomorrow, it will be made right.

It’s time…..

Went into work today with my return to work note. I feel that returning to work 4 hours a day 5 times a week is the best for me. It is what is healthiest for both my mental and emotional well being. I also do not want to jump back in with both feet. I am quite content to work in customer service or cashiering. Reassess after I have been back for awhile.
I was scared to go in and talk to my boss. Very scared. At first I sent off a message to a friend who I discuss everything with.  Than I told the girls. Also explaining to them that I had snarled at T this morning. Than I talked to V.  Told her that despite all my bravery that I was scared shitless to talk to him. I was afraid that he was going to want to talk about what happened and I did not want to revisit it. That was a bad place for me. And that I was worried that I might cry.
First V assures me that losing it on T was totally normal. Kids do not listen to us and it is damn frustrating. And she is right. I had to ask him three or four times to get in the bathroom and brush his teeth. As a matter of fact, I grabbed him by his arm and pushed him into the bathroom. This after snarling at him about the shower this morning. He stank. Badly. But he was annoyed that I did not wake him up at 6. He tried to push back. I pounded on the bed that he was going to shower because he stunk. We went back and forth. He ended up showering.
V reminded me that we were the parents. We made the choices and rules. They had to listen and follow them. She said the right thing at the right time. Now instead of using ‘because I said so’ I am going to pull out the choice and rule law. Way to go V. Coming up with a great way to explain to my child and all children why they must listen to their parents.
Than she addressed my fear about crying. Assured me that it was okay. And to remember that our boss is human too.
I felt so good after talking to her. Calm. There were some twinges in my stomach but nothing overwhelming to me.
Now fast forward to arriving at work. I was terrified to walk in there. I sat in the car and said my affirmations. I shot off a few quick messages of and got out of the car. First I had to drop my prescription  off at the pharmacy and than I went to the front and had boss paged. Gave him the note and he read it. We were going upstairs to discuss my return.
I waited outside his office. Flicked through my phone. And than he came up and I followed him in.
I did it though. I was calm. The butterflies in my stomach disappeared. I looked him the eye and maintained eye contact. I had been wanting to come back slowly and had been going to suggest customer service or cashiering shifts. So it was very easy to agree when he made the suggestion. He wants to observe me. I need to regain his trust. The trust of the other supervisors and staff.
I told him that by far, my well being, emotionally and mentally are what is important to me. That I no longer was going to look down the road but will remain in the present. And than he suggested that I may decide that I did not want to remain as the lead supervisor. At first, I think my reaction was knee jerk when I said to him that I could still do it.
This is food for thought. I have learned a lot about myself in the last three months. And like the butterfly breaking free from the cocoon I am spreading my wings in the sunshine. Ready to soar.

A Girl’s Best Friends

**Picture via Pintrest**
I am me again! Both today and yesterday I was awake at what I consider to my regular time: between 5-5:30 a.m. Wednesday a.m. I woke up at 5:15, felt great, no grogginess, no feeling like I had been drinking without the alcohol. Today, it was 5:18. Again, feeling great and without grogginess. As well no nap yesterday. The only thing that was missing yesterday was the desire to write. I managed to read through the blogs I follow although my interaction remained as pushing the like button.  Oooooooo, oooooooooo and major excitement I am able to read again.  I have started a brand new author that I have never read before Sebstian de Castell’s Greatcoat series. I burned through book one, it is very well written and am into book 2 now. I highly recommend him.
Today is March 1st. Another new month. Another turn around the track of life.
T and me are learning to conversate (is that a word) although we are going to speak less in the morning until Mr. Grumpypants leaves and T returns. He is not all that keen on this idea but it is my answer to being snarked at every time I ask a question before 8 a.m. Also am not sure if he is getting ready to go through another growth spurt or if this is just the beginning of the teenage sleeping pattern but he is sleeping a lot. And it is getting to where he is asking for extra sleep time. Ah the joys.
Since Dec. 23/17 when I crashed, it is really the only thing that I can think to call it, I have been working very hard on something that my mom has harped at me about for so long. She always tells me that my girlfriends are going to be my support system. That it was a relationship like any other and you have to work at them. It is easy if you work with most of them, or have them babysit for you, for than there is a consistent pattern to seeing one another. I am very lucky that I have women in my life who worry and love me. Yes that is right they love me and I love them.
In the beginning there were quite a few people that I had to message or speak with on a daily basis. This way they were assured that I was okay. Slowly as time passed, some fell away, their lives to be lived. However I have discovered a core group of friends who I now know I can call upon whenever I need them. Well maybe not at 2:43:58 a.m. but any other time they are available to me. And I interact with them every day. First thing in the morning, as my coffee is brewing, I find good morning gifs to send to them. Yesterday I cheated and sent them all the same one because I found it hilarious. And I had to share.
Aside from the good morning messages every morning, V and me, we work hard to get together at least every other week for coffee on her day off. I have called Auntie K several times and we have gone out. Wandered the stores around town, laughing and having an absolute blast. Dreaming. My friend P, a brand new one for you to have to remember, reached out even before my crash. She would read my blog and than send me a message to remind me that she was here for me. She sent her husband to the store one day with coffee for me. And we have talked a lot. I really hope that she knows how much I appreciate her. M and me, after a brief hiatus where I withdrew from our friendship, because she was leaving me, are now back on track. Now, we talk daily. The boys are having sleepovers every weekend that T is here on his week with me. And K, bff to the stars and nice enough to allow me in her orbit. (I jest it is she who is lucky ha ha ha ha)
Mom was right. Your friends are more important than anything else in your life. Marriages last or don’t. Children grow and leave the nest. Homes are moved. Jobs changed or retired from. But the friends that support you and are there for you, will never change. It is hard work, even harder to maintain than a marriage. You have to juggle work, kids, life to be able to find the time to spend together or to talk to one another. With the technology that we have today, it is a lot easier to stay in touch daily with texts and Messanger and KIK and the list goes on. But you have to work on it.
I have an exceptional support group and I do not know what I would do without any of them in my life.
We will be the little old ladies riding roller coasters and racing our scooters down Main Street at 6 p.m. on a Saturday evening. We will be those little old ladies.

I had an epiphany

This morning I was having a conversation with a friend. I know I often have conversations but this one, this one got me to thinking.

I am a fixer. A ‘Give me your problems and I will find a solution’, type of woman. Does not matter who you are or what the problem is, by nature, I want to make it all better for you. And now my brain has veered off into how the hell did I become a fixer? Why do I yearn to take on the world’s problems and make them right? Why (until now) did I always chose men who needed their hands held at every turn?

Small problems (which are not even problems) such as helping someone locate a hard to find item. Trying to put their fears to rest when attempting something new. My response to that is always the same, ‘Imagine the absolute worst thing that could happen and after that anything that occurs is going to be a piece of cake. Walk in the park. Cake in the park.’ You get it.

Larger problems can take up a lot of my time. I mull over them. I twist it this way and that. Looking for the hole that I can wiggle through. The hole that is going to lead to the answer, or at least a partial solution.

This is draining. My focus is no longer on myself, on my care and T’s. It becomes super stressful. In the past my way to handle it would have been to drink.

Today as I was having my conversation I made a sudden connection. And that connection leapt along the synapsis of my brain and made more connections. Until I stopped watching the gems fall and turned to face my friend. I wanted to shout this discovery from the rooftops, however that would require getting dressed and I am just not up for that at the moment.

I have a friend who is going through a really tough time. When I look at her life, I am surprised that she is still standing. The amount of shit life has thrown her way, and the fact that she is here, present and alive, amazes me. She is an absolute rock, one of the strongest women that I am privileged to have as a part of my tribe.

She text me early this morning and I was reading over them, giving half explanations without betraying her confidence in me and it happened.

I am not put on this earth to be the caretaker of anyone else. (Well with the exception of T but that should go without saying.)

It is not up to me to scoop up the troubles that plague the world. It is not up to me to point out how by taking a step over this way, could change how you view things. It is not up to me, to fix the problems that they come to me with.

What is up to me?

To be a damn good friend. To offer my shoulder and my ear. To listen and at the same time when I speak, to be wise and offer up my own experience and solution to an equatable problem.  Something that they can mull over themselves and it might help them to find the solution to their own issues. Or it may not.

Another part of this rebounds from a conversation that K3 and me were having. In it she stated that she felt we were brought into people’s lives so they can benefit from our experiences. I disagreed. We can tell people about what occurred but they are still going to make their own choices based on their own morals and life experience. Not ours.

What do we learn if we take all the advice others give us?

And that is another part of the epiphany which just came to me.

I am a big believer in learning my own lessons. No matter the pain that I am going to feel, I will face what I need to do. (Now I do, previously I may have stuck my head in the sand before facing my problems)

I need to speak less and listen more.

I need to be a friend, a warm hug, a place to shelter without compromising my emotional well-being. And I can be.

Because as I journey forward along the twisted path that my life is, I learn more and more about my role and place on this planet.

🙂