Why Care?

Heart on Sleeve
Tears in Eyes
Rain
Thunder Overhead
Lightening Streaks
Crack
Boom
Just like myself
falling away
falling down
lost in the rabbit hole
afraid
knew that this would happen
pull knees close
head down
see not the pain
the fear
that fills these eyes
go away
like you promised never to do
leave me behind
broken
yet again
for foolishly believing
that we would always be friends.
I am closed.
I am reserved.
There are reasons that it takes me so long
to warm up
open up
to let you deep within
for everyone leaves me
even when they whisper promises
promises that they won’t
promises that forever they will hold my hand
they will always be
there…..
I love wholeheartedly.
I have no middle ground.
When I open up
When I let you in
When I lay bare my soul before you
it is because I believe(d)
those tender words
that you would be different
that you would never leave.
©April 26/21
Picture is my own

I am a Weeper

I’m a weeper.
Anyone who knows me in person has seen me weep and those of you on my blog have read many a post about my weeping.
There is a difference between weeping and crying.
Weeping: tending or liable to cry; given to crying.
Crying: demanding attention or remedy; critical; severe:
That is the definitions I found.
With weeping it is the third definition as the other two mention crying.
With crying I went with the first definition.
Odd how the definition of crying does not mention tears at all.
Never mind the menopausal issues arising I still am in sync with a close work partner and mirror her PMS.
Last Saturday I was so bitchy when I it dawned on me and I shot off a text that only other women will truly understand:
Me: Did you get your period yet?
Response: Yeah last night only thing is the raging PMS today.
Me: Me too thank you now I get why I am feeling like this.
When I was PMS’ing or PostMS’ing  I wept.
Watching t.v
Reading.
Talking to just about anyone.
When I began my drift into menopause I realize that I did not weep as much.
Now though as I begin to steamroll my way into menopause I find that I am becoming a weeper again.
I mentioned in one of my Covid posts that I am restricted from looking at the obituaries because I was weeping when I discovered that another customer had passed away.
It is hard.
So many of my seniors no longer come in.
Those who still do I want to hug.
One of my regulars her husband passed away and I had ‘known’ them for 20 years.
I stood and talked with her (weeping) and I wanted to give her a hug so badly but we were on the floor and other customers around.
I love giving hugs.
Hugs are all encompassing.
Hugs make the person know the words you cannot speak.
With hugs I weep.
I feel the person’s emotions and try to draw them away.
Not intentionally but it happens.
I just want them to feel better.
So I weep.
Maybe the weeping is my way of shedding the emotions I am syphoning from others.
The whole start to this was to discuss my growth or what I have viewed as growth.
Instead I meander all over the place about my weeping and empathy.
Yesterday at work I discovered that a friend had been going to school for the last year.
It hurt that I found out from my supervisor and not her but I will get over it.
She did not slight me or neglect to tell me first.
Her own husband told her she was such a jerk not to have told me first.
Was she worried about how I might react?
Subconsciously maybe she did not want to tell me because it made it real?
That she might leave.
Last evening she messaged me about a regular customer who had been wearing masks and then decided not to.
She had just seen him in Wal-mart wearing a mask!
I lol’d and said yeah I had seen him in the store wearing a mask too.
We both wondered what happened.
Did someone talk to him?
Did he receive a fine?
Did he lose his job?
This man was belligerent about wearing the mask.
Stomping through the store and pulling on his mask whining and crying about it.
While 3, 4 and 5 year olds are all around him wearing masks and watching him wondering why he is being a big baby.
That is an aside and meander.
I asked her wtf not telling me she was going to school?
And I did type it as wtf not all spelt out for that would be rude.
Which is when we had that conversation about her being a jerk.
And I told her that she is not a jerk and that I was very happy for her.
She is a friend and if this is something that she has always been interested in she needs to give it a try.
That I support her 100%.
As I wrote those words and as I write them now I am weeping.
I am happy for her.
The sadness I feel is for myself.
For knowing that she will move on and not be there as often.
But as with others in my life this is a cycle.
People come.
People leave.
The situations and the lessons you learned from them may not be apparent but eventually they will.
My co-worker and I started at the same time.
She went on extended Mat leave.
As the lead I re-hired her and promoted her to supervisor.
She was the one who found me in the cash office and went to the hospital with me.
She saved my life that night and I have never told her.
It is going to be hard to let go of her.
She means a lot and we laugh our butts off when we work together.
But I cannot hold her back.
It is my turn to give her strength and courage to go forward.
Like she did for me.
Maybe this post isn’t really about weeping.
Maybe it is more about people who come into your life and leave after they have taught you something.
There is always that main core group of friends in one’s life.
There are always the fringe friends.
And within that orbit move the people who are meant to push you along to another path/level.
We never realize it until after.
I am lucky in that I have warning that she may be leaving.
Okay that she is going to leave.
But without her I would not be the person that I am today.
And I will miss her like hell.
And I am weeping.
©April 8/21
Picture is my own
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