Virtueless

Patience is a virtue. It is one that I do not have.

I have no patience. Well no that is not true, I have patience for certain things but alas there are two things that can send me right around the bend. I will be cursing and tearing my hair out (mentally not aloud). People who do not do the speed limit and slow walkers.

Of late, I seem to get stuck behind the slow drivers. Tuesdays, around 9:20 a.m. I have learned to remain in the right hand lane until I have passed him. Yes him clutching his steering wheel, staring straight ahead, doing 40 km (24.86 miles for my states friends :)) in the 70 km (43.50 miles) portion of the highway. He is driving in the left hand lane, all the time, not to pass people, but holding them all up.

I forgot about him one Tuesday morning until I saw the lane of cars crawling along and I glanced at the dashboard clock. I whipped into the left lane and zipped around him. Worse is the man is a regular customer and I have to bite my tongue. I mean really it isn’t as though I can explain to him how what he is doing is not only dangerous but makes everyone else around angry, because he is in his 80’s and would not listen to reason. Least of all from a woman. (That is a total other story)

This morning, I am on the way to the city to pick up my contacts. There is this pale blue car in front of me doing 30 in a 50 zone. And than she/he decided that I was too close so they slowed to 20. Thankfully this one pulled off within a moment or so because I was gnashing my teeth and saying some rather unpleasant things.

Here’s karma for you, coming back home the same damn car pulled out in front of me in an 80 zone doing 60. And again felt I was too close so slowed to about 55. I could not pass because I was in the passing lane and the right hand side had a steady stream of cars passing me. Again thankfully, one of us turned off and it was me. This time I chuckled to myself and shook my head.

When I got to the city I did a mad dash to the bathroom, cursing the fact I had had those few extra sips of coffee before leaving the house. I was actually afraid to get out of the car because I thought if I stood up I would have an accident right there. Thankfully there was nothing and no one to impede my gallop through the hallways.

Now the stores at St. Vital mall do not open until 10 which saved me some extra money because I was going to busy some candles. (Damn Bath & Body, sending me email flyer 3-wick candles $12.99 plus a 25% off coupon.) I was texting and walking which I am rather accomplished at (use to always walk home from library reading and walking so I have the quick head bob to check surroundings down pat) when suddenly there they were.

Three across, two deep, strolling along, the dreaded mall walkers. They are the folks who walk around the malls before the stores open to get their exercise. Me? I am the opposite of a slow walker. So there I am, walking behind them unable to find an opening to pass. The middle is filled with kiosks and the other side goes in the opposite direction. I was giggling as I walked behind them. Finally a break appeared and I dashed passed.

The other area where I have problems are shoppers. Saturday. In the store I work at. Our aisles are narrow. You can barely fit one person going west and one person going east (to give you and idea) and I am a flier. When I am getting or looking for something for a customer. On occasion I can slip through sideways but majority of the time I get frustrated and either dart up to pharmacy and get around that way or down the cleaning aisle.

Which leads me to the whole point of the blog. Patience. Something out there is trying to teach it to me. The slow drivers are a more recent occurrence but the slow walkers are not new.

The lesson I need to learn: Slow it down. Stop barreling ahead. Blinders on, my view narrow and focused. Slowing down allows me to finally see what I have been missing. Joy. Wonder. Beauty. It may take me a bit but now that I realize what lesson I am being taught I can actively work on it. (Except for slow drivers those I can always pass except when I can’t.)

 

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Circumcision

So like any good mother I have terrorized and probably caused T some psyche scarring.
We were watching House as I was exercising. Well I was watching House and T was playing with his lego on his couch, back to the televison. Something caught his attention and he turned to watch the opening scene. A man had come into the clinic and House was trying to determine what reason brought him in. Apparently the man’s new girlfriend had never been with an uncircumcised man and had been a little freaked out. So the guy had taken a box cutter and cut the excess skin off.
T looks over at me absolutely horrified and asks if the man had cut his penis off?!?
I have two choices here. Maybe some would have gone with the ‘no it is only a show’ and left it at that. Choice number one. I on the other hand took choice number two. I tried to explain to him what circumcision was. How it use to be very common when boys were born that the foreskin was removed. That now a days it was a choice made by the parents. There was no real reason to have it removed. Unless your are Jewish and I did not explain that because I really do not know the religion behind it.
T stared at me disbelief written all over his face. And I realized that I was doing a very bad job explaining this medical procedure to him. So I did what any one wanting to scar their male child even more does, I googled it. Clicked on the images and handed the phone to him. T scrolled through pictures making comments like that looks like an old man’s (???) and rather grossed out. He handed back the phone to me and stared.
‘Mom am I circumcised?’
‘No, you still have the extra skin. That is why you have to be very thorough in cleaning. Otherwise you can get bacteria trapped, infections can start and than you might have to be circumcised as a teen or adult. And from my understanding that can be extremely painful.’
T thought about it for a few more moments. I could actually see the wheels turning as he struggled with the concept. Finally he looked at me and in all innocence asked me how if they cut off the penis as a teenager or adult did the guy get to have sex?
I reassured him once more that the penis itself was not cut off. That sex was still a possibility. But that was a conversation for another time. When he was a little older and needed to have that discussion. I am pretty confident that I will be receiving a text from the Ex later asking me what the hell was going on over here that I felt the need to explain something like circumcision to our son. And like always I will tell him that I would rather answer T’s questions myself or he will get the information somewhere else. And honestly, if anyone is going to scar him it really should be me because well, I am a little warped that way.  LOL 😂😂😂😂

Why you won’t want to date me

What one can expect to find if they continue after reading and understanding the rules:

My heart enclosed. The gates locked. Bridge is up and the moat is full. With vicious crocodiles. And piranhas.

As I sit here, pouting like a petulant toddler who’s discovered she has to share her candy, I realize how hard I am to please. I have always been the caretaker. That role, after doing it for years becomes exhaustive.

Every single relationship I have been in I end up being in total control. I am the one making all the plans, paying all the bills and ensuring that life continues along tickety-boo. And now I have independence and the only ones I need to worry about are T and myself.

So I have come up with 10 things I need to warn the opposite sex of. About me. And my requirements. For my non- relationship. With a man who can take care of himself.

1) I do not want a relationship. However I do not want to share you. So get use to it.

2) I want a text. Not a thousand times a day but a good morning, a hey in the afternoon and a good night. So I know I have flitted across your mind.

4) I want to hang out with you. But I don’t. So just sit there until you figure it out. I will continue to read my Kindle.

5) I want to talk to you. Sometimes I will actually want you to participate in the conversation. Wait for the extended pause and dive in there.

6) I am a little bit crazy. But just a little bit, most of my friends will tell you it is barely noticeable.

7) I have anxiety attacks. There is no rhyme or reason they strike from no where. Just talk to me calmly about anything so I can focus and ask you questions.

8) I am not certain I want overnight company. I now sleep diagonally across my king size bed. Debating if I want to share.

9) I live with depression. That means some days I am sad. There is nothing you can do about it. Give me a hug and kiss and I will be okay. Some cuddles are nice too.

10) I am extremely emotional. I cry at commercials. I get mad at stupid stuff. I feel things very differently.

Truthfully, I am forwarning most men.  I am a weird woman. I want my independence. I want to be taken care of. I want to be respected.

T and me had a conversation recently. He wanted to know when I was going to get a boyfriend. I phfft’d and said I did not need a boyfriend.That I was more than capable of doing what was needed. He looked at me and asked ‘ you just needed one to help you put together my bed, right mom?’  (I so could have put his bed together but a friend with a drill is much more helpful)

My BFF

I met my most recent BFF through my son. Her son is his best friend. Our boys met at the age of 1.5 years (T) and just over 2 years (K). She is my rock, my hero and oh my god she will kick your ass if you make me cry.

We have had several moments that are purely us.

  1. In the shirt above, I went out and made to fill out the dog bowl with water. I lost control of the hose and well can we all say ‘wet’ tee shirt contest. M and me we howled.
  2. She has supported me and held me up when I am not sure which way is up
  3. She wants to kick ass and take names for all who hurt me
  4. I got to see her gas, it was cool, trendrils of smoke through the intestines, so awesome except the Dr. thought that we were gay
  5. Her posting on FB of a Sister Wives house but for the two of us, so even more tongues are going to wag
  6. She encourages me to not put up with lack luster humor, when the BF doesn’t understand our jokes she tells me to turn around and come back home because I cannot accept that type of negativity.
  7. I always laugh when she texts me
  8. As a mom we are always interested in our child’s poop, as middle agers we are only interested in our own.
  9. When  I say ‘dog with a bone’ she looks at me and goes ‘no comment’

M loves me and I love M. She is going to hate this blog because it is all feely.

I have been so lucky in my life. I have had F and C as best friends (female) I have had K and S as male best friends. At each point of my life where I needed that someone, there has always been a friend to fill that niche. But with M I have had a lot of laughs and she has shown me the paths that I need to follow…..and for that  I say……kisses cause you gotta suck it up M!

How does that make you feel?

So, the week after my car died (cancelled 1-more to follow on that thread) I had my son. It was the coldest week of the season thus far. I had no car. Had to rely on my best friend (forever after known as BFF) to drive both myself and my son to and from work and school. My sitter (also a wicked ass friend will be known as Sitter lol) also drove me to work and son to school. The fact we had to rely on others did not go unnoticed by my son.

Finally get car back when son goes back to his father. No problem. I do require a fuse, bolt on inline battery fuse.  Still waiting for him to either a) order it for me or b) drop off to me so I can go in and order. I do not have radio or clock. My wipers also did not work but that was a fuse issue. (Cancelled 2)

Sooooooooooo……..I pick my son up from the sitter’s on Wednesday December 28th. We are now going to spend the next five days together and I am pumped. Driving along talking about our day when my son drops this bombshell on me: “Mom dad totally didn’t want to fix your car. That is why it took so long.”

Wow. Okay my son is 8. He is trying to instigate. Not even going to answer this.

Deep breath. Deep deep breath.

“Okay. So why are you telling me this? Are you trying to start a fight between your dad and me? Cause it just isn’t worth it dude. Not worth my time, not worth my anger, not worth anything I have.”

“But mom does this not make you angry?”

“I have a question for you. So we had to rely on our friends for a week to get to and from school and work.”

“Yeah we did.”

“And I got sick. Had to have BFF take me to the walk in. You had to wait at school to get picked up.”

“Yeah, so why are you not mad?”

“How do you feel about this? How do you feel about the fact that we had to rely on friends to get us around this week? How do you feel that mom ended up getting sick (totally unrelated but related) and had to stay home?”

“I was kinda mad mom. When I have a shop I will always fix your car first.”

“Baby…..one day you will look back at this and you will understand. You will understand why I left your dad, why I could no longer be there.”

“Mom?”

“Yes baby?”

“Dad’s girlfriend is 21.”

And there was nothing more to say.

Can my show be cancelled?

I have had a really bad string of luck or those who know me have had a bad string of luck.  I swear and this is only so I do not loose it and can find the humor in it, somewhere some god/ess or godling is watching an episode of my life. And my life is a comedy in his/her reality.  What I would really like is to have that comedy cancelled.

December turned out to be an absolute horror of a month.  If I chose to I could lament and whine; cry and say how the hell did this happen to me. Instead allow me to give you a visual of the last few weeks and you will understand.

Mon Dec 5/16

Incident with my mom that is all.

Tue Dec. 6/16

10% Tuesday at work. We had a snow storm blow in so the day was relatively quiet.  I was walking towards customer service and pulled my note pad from my pocket. All of a sudden something flips out of my pocket and I glance down. Suddenly horrified my eyes dart from left to right and I lunge downward only to smack my head on the counter. Why? Because a condom had flown out of my pocket. Turns out that it was a packet of tea that had been given to me for my son to try. Greyish blue in color. Like a Trojan condom. Funny thing is that I had just washed my apron and why the hell would there be a condom in my work apron?

Head home. Get stuck in the driveway five times. Five times. Finally am able to pull up. As I take the garbage down I slip and fall. Head slammed into the concrete. But hey, I didn’t drop my cigarette.

Knock on neighbor’s door because damn it someone should feel sorry for me. She informs me that she will be texting me every hour.  All night. To make sure I do not have a concussion. And she does.

Wed Dec. 7/16

Get up and go to work. Snow everywhere. Almost get stuck. Get out of car at work and nearly slip beneath it. Ouch.

Thur Dec. 8/16

I know something happened here but believe I may be blocking it out.

Fri. Dec. 9/16

Things are settling into the holiday rhythm at work. Carts have been moved into the mall so need to move back into lobby to have ready for the day. Also ended up cashiering a lot. Sudden pain in my back. I have never in my life experienced pain like this. One side of my body seized up. There was a dagger jammed beneath my shoulder blade piercing the muscle so that when I moved pain ripped through me. Went to walk in clinic. Am not sure how I finished my shift.

At walk in discover that I have whiplash. From falling and hitting my head. I had no idea that that was even possible.

Sat. Dec 10/16

Thank god the weekend can finally begin. Son is coming home at 5. Off at 2:30. Go out to my car pumped that I am going home and can relax after the week that I have had. Get into car and it won’t start. Well it turns over but it won’t fire. Ask my girl friend to boost me. She does, for two hours before ex comes and tells me I need to have it towed to his place. Awesome.

That was the start…..the next week doesn’t even come close to getting better. I look at this week and wonder how the hell did I survive? And if I remember correctly the boyfriend was suppose to come out on Friday and ended up really sick. And you wonder why I think that the god/ess or godling is having a laugh at my expense. It is funny once you get through it.