Lock and Key

****9 Days****
Blackened hearth
ashes cold
no warmth found
a loss of self
a loss of innocence
tears track through soot
silence round
staring endlessly into the darkness.
Morbid thoughts
death
destruction
voice raw from shattered screams
gasping air
unable to stop
convulsing as the ugly truth
rears its bloody head.
Alcohol
consumed in copious amounts
dims the light within
allows for wraith like movement
through my own life.
Grey ghosts gather
dancing around my bed
an exorcism
no longer effective
I am lost within.
Broken
death looking on
time has come to change
to embrace this self
amalgamate it to the new
creating a better me.
As time grows close
my festive nature
a joy to perceive
my demons battled
sedated
locked within a chest
for which I have the only key.
©Dec. 14/19
Picture via Pinterest

11 Days to Go (Loving Myself)

Feelings
wrangled
caught
tossed aside
easier
to be non-feeling
to care not
than to accept…..
Abuse
wretched
damaging
turmoil wrought
turned my life to a nightmare
hiding
running
pain untold.
Addiction
ruination
addled
hidden from self
denial
rapt with lies
no matter how I try
caught in a vicious cycle
never able to end.
Recovery
light
happy
acknowledged
little girl lost
little girl found
learning to accept myself
learning to forgive myself
learning to be myself.
I know
but as the saying goes
better late then never.
Now…..
now I am loving my life
I am loving me
©Dec. 12/19
Picture is my own

Perfectly Imperfect

Wretched
hollowed eyes
staring into the mirror
aghast
this wraith
is it truly me?
Wrapped
pained chains
swathed in miasma
unable to swim free.
Blackened shadows
in the depths
reaching out
tentacles
lashed around
pull me downward.
Drowning
gasps
unable to see
preservation is key.
I cannot 
I am afraid
a child unacknowledged.
Fast forward…..
Looking back
to that woman
broken
lost
defeated
I was…..
To this woman
cracked
crazy
filled with love
acceptance of self
so lacking before
I now have in spades.
I have swum many an ocean…..
pain
tears
addiction
to arrive upon these shores
not in perfection
but in perfect imperfection
love me as I am.
©Dec. 10/19
Picture is my own

Arrogance is not My Name

Well now aren’t I a little red faced. I am always trying to get the younger staff I work with to look ahead to see how their actions assist their co-workers coming in later. Making everyone’s job flow easier. I often receive a look like I am crazy. And I find this more and more. People always think that it is not up to them. Not their responsibility. And that drives me crazy.

Now twice this week I have had to restock the staff room. Once with sugar. Once with coffee. The sugar had been out since Saturday. I was annoyed. This also happens when someone drinks the last pot of coffee and does not make another. Oooooohhhhh this is at the top of my rage inducing list. (Not that I say anything…..out loud) I can go on and on. Having said that:

As I am grousing in my head about having to waste my time getting coffee. Why could someone else not have done it? When it hit me. I am being just as inconsiderate when in a pique of unuttered rage chose not to remake coffee…..refill sugar/coffee omg. Here I am ranting and raving about this behaviour and I am doing the same thing. Abashed I climbed the stairs and made a pot of coffee. I did however chose a different blend and brand. If I am taking that miniscule little time to go and get it I get to chose what I bring up.

Lesson learned. Now to actively implement.

Mistaken I am not

Count the mistakes
One
Two
Three
I do not have enough fingers
Nor toes
To count all my mistakes
Few are regrettable
Mistakes are how you learn and grow
So embrace them I do
Learn from them I shall
Never
Never ever
Will the regrets pass these lips
For though a lesson in life
When faced with my own idiocy
It is better to forget
Mistakes though
That is life
Throwing you a curve ball
Which leads to a choice:
Catch it or move out of the way.
Always catch
That is my motto
Even if my fingers sting
And tears gather in my eyes
Moving out of the way
That is no longer an option
Mistakes
Sometimes funny
Sometimes sad
Most times fixable
When not
Rumination is deep
Pondering how to learn
Even as my face burns
From embarrassment
No longer am I utterly shamed
By the mistakes I have made
Let’s face it
I’m only 47
There will be a lot more
And when they come
I will grow and learn
For I really enjoy
The person I am becoming.

© Nov. 12/19
Picture is my own

BLC-Post

Dianna over at Thriving Not Surviving has created a new blog called Best Life Collaborative. Much as with Flyhiee I post there every other Thursday. Here though I write about life. Myself. Tember. (I use his full name in the posts on BLC) Relationships. And lessons. What I have learned. I have not shared any of these posts here but today is the day………I would like to share with you today’s post:

Hip Hip Horrah!

 

Tranquil Fluidity

Wind whipped hair
waves cresting
slamming into the shore
spumes spraying
soaking my toes.
I can no longer go on
can no longer cheer
I am so tired
I am so alone
I am so……
scared.
Embarking upon a journey
into heart
into health
into self
unsure what I am going to find
who I am going to find
only know that I must go on
discover what I may
about this strange woman I see in the mirror.
A smarter
stronger
resilient woman
one who cries at movies
one who laughs with no regard
as to how others are going to see her.
No longer am I an errant child
unable to see my way.
I reach out
tentative at first
with growing confidence
taking hold of my dreams
taking charge of my destiny.
No longer do demons chew
upon my nightmares
spewing black
vile poison
seeping into my pores
burning through my senses.
I found freedom.
I found my truth.
I found forgiveness.
I found peace. 
©August 28/19
Picture is mine.
Matlock Beach 2019