Always Happy? Impossible he Says…..

Yesterday I had a customer tell me that it was impossible for me to always be good. 
That there had to be times when I was down.
Or someone made me mad.
And yes that is true. 
But I am learning to not allow them to consume me.
When I am down I will always come back up. 
I have learned this.
When I get mad yes I vent.
I put them into writing and out into the ether.
And I let go.
This is not a new topic for me.
My happiness.
How so new it is too me still.
2 years since working through the trauma that had occurred to me as a child.
2 years since I was miserable all the time.
Falling short.
My list goes on and on.
That is not how I see myself now.
I have worked really hard to be where I am today.
This level of alrightness.
This level of contentedness.
This level of me.
I am teary eyed as I am writing this.
Writing those words.
There are days that I know I rock.
There are days that it is understood.
But I am always strong. 
I am always smiling.
I have learned a lot in these last two years.
Being present.
I use to have everything planned.
To the tee.
I was planning for my retirement.
I had contingency plans for the contingency plans.
I was uptight.
My blood pressure was out of this world.
I was drinking a lot. 
I made Tember cry.
I shy away from remembering those times because they were dark.
(I use the emotions of this time when I write my poems abut depression.
About addiction.
About feeling worthless.)
I was dark.
I was low.
I broke.
And I broke hard.
With a lot of hard work and a six month reversion to idiotic behaviour reminiscent of teenhood I changed.
I faced my demons.
I moved from living for the future to living in the present.
I have said this time and time again but in my whole life the best piece of life hack I received was:
Learn that nothing is set and static.
Everything is fluid and changing all the time.
I am responsible for my words/actions in a situation.
I am not responsible for others. 
Except for Tember. 
Him I am responsible for.
In other words roll with the punches as they happen.
I am doing really well with that.
Not perfect but no one ever is so I am not stressing about it.
All meandering here.
For those who are really new to my confessions & conversations I write exactly how I speak.
All over the place.
One thing leads to another and I bound after it.
Some days my thoughts are like catching butterflies.
Not really but that line ran through my head and I had to write it down.
Have an image too so who knows…..
See off I go…..
My other saving grace?
Learning not to worry/stress over that which I have no control.
What good is it going to do me?
Is my worry/stress going to fix the problem?
Absolutely not.
Will it give me headaches/backaches/stomach upsets etc?
Damn rights.
I do not worry about it.
Am I happy?
Oh hell yea so what I do works. 
At least for me.
This is me adulting.
This is me being responsible.
Freaks me out a little bit.
Okay a lot.
I cleaned the oven.
On purpose.
Well it needed to be done but still…..
I have cleaning supplies.
A lot of them.
I buy paper towel.
Boxes of kleenex.
Responsible for self.
Growing every day.
Being happy is a choice.
There are going to be those of you who poo poo me.
And you know what I get it.
I use to be you.
I use to think that that was crazy.
I use to think I needed 1/2/3….. things to be happy.
I use to plan for an unattainable future.
Everything will be better when…..
After my Ka-boom and healing I realized my happiness comes from within.
Also my Wellbutrin but 90% is internal.
I do not wake up every morning thinking I am going to be happy-I just am.
It is a feeling that I still find incredible.
And most likely will forever more.
So in answer to my customer yes I can be happy and good all the time.
I have moments of disappointment and upset but they do not define me or my mood.
I will not allow it.
No one or thing gets that type of power over me.
Not ever again.
My happiness is dependent on me and me alone.
Knowing that has made me a very happy woman. 
Now that I have totally sucked you in I shall sign off. 
Just know that we have all had coffee and you have learned a little more about me.
And how crazy I am.
But I am me.
(I needed a 3rd C)
Have a wonderful Wednesday loves.
©Oct. 7/20
Picture is my own

1st Day of School

It finally arrived.
The first day of school.
Tember woke me at 5:10 a.m. to ask me if he could have his shower.
I said sure. 
Reset my alarm for 6.
Tember finishes showering and gets ready.
I must have dozed for 5 minutes. Maybe.
Now Tember wants to learn how to make coffee.
When he says step by step…..he means step by step.
Step One: Go and empty the reusable coffee filter. Rinse it out and…..
Mom stop I want to go do that.
Step Two: Put the now cleaned filter back in coffee pot and grind beans.
Mom? How many beans do I put in? How much water? How many scoops of?
I will just get up and do it.
No mom I want to do it.
I showered and when I came out coffee was made.
Tember had eaten breakfast.
We went over his school supplies and what he had as he packed his bag.
I made his lunch.
Plunked down with my coffee then remembered I needed to take our first day of school picture.
Which is when it happened.
He is so big.
We went to the bathroom and stood back to back.
I measured him with the tape measure.
64″. 5’4″. 3″ to go and he is as tall as I am.
He went back to his room and I sat down and cried.
He is growing up.
So damn fast.
And I do not like it.
Also he is not a shooter…..he is a steady grower. 
Drop off time was 8:40.
Tember and I as usual didn’t get out the door until 8:37.
Sit in car. 
I just had a realization. 
Tember is so much more secure in himself than I am.
He took a pink ruler to school. 
He has two fingers painted with pink nail polish.
That is all.
And yet I was worried what others would think.
I was worried that he might be made fun of.
Damn it all yet another step of his maturity.
Which as we all know is something I have always stressed to him.
His individuality.
Being true to himself.
And I tried to change that this morning.
Back to sitting in the car.
We are chatting away about how we are never on time.
I could have us ready to go by 8:30 and yet it will be 8:40 by the time we arrive at the car.
It is not that far of a walk.
Wonder of wonders we made all the lights.
It was awesome.
Then I arrived at the 4 way stop.
I have never seen a line up like that before.
Not for taking kids to school.
Rode the brake the whole time. 
Was directed where to go and what to do.
I did not understand. Arg
I felt like an absolute idiot.
I was waiting to turn when I happened to look at the vehicle passing in front of me. 
And I see the mom leaning forward. 
Looking exactly as I did. 
All of us parents are going through the exact same feelings of helplessness.
Whether your child is beginning or ending their school career this is a very different first day of school.
None of us know what is coming.
All we can do is go with the flow.
Our kids will settle into this new school norm quite quickly. 
We will settle into our drop off and pick up routines. 
And our kids will keep growing.
No matter how sometimes I wish I could turn time back. 
To my little guy starting his school career.
Have a wonderful Wednesday loves.
©Sept. 9/20
Pictures are my own