Power Returned

***Picture is my own***

Well now this is a bit of a longer whisp of thought but only that I need to write the set up.

Tember was at his dad’s for Monday night and would be dropped off at home Tuesday afternoon for Christmas Eve. Which meant I could lounge around as my shift did not start until 10 a.m. on the 24th. It was not too cold so I did not need to go out early to start the car.

9:35 a.m. I got bundled up headed out the door and pull the car key from my pocket. Only to realize that it is shorter. Significantly shorter. I stared at it stupidly for a moment as I tried to figure out if it was always this short and I was a moron or had it broken.

Tried it on the car door. Nope not working. Called the ex’s home phone. No answer. Called the ex’s cell. No answer. Call work. Panicked. Nearly in tears. OMG I am going to be late for work. Called my boss hoping to catch her so she could pick me up. The one time she forgets her phone at home. Called P one of my besties and fearing I had woke her up hesitantly asked if she could come and give me a ride to work. She could.

I came back in the apartment. Called work. I am trying to figure out how to get home after work. How do I get to work on the 26th? I am on holidays next week so could deal with it then. I text the ex and let him know what had happened. I was at a loss.

As I climbed the stairs to wait for P tears in my eyes I stopped suddenly. What the hell?

‘Jay,’ I said to myself a little sternly, ‘this is something that is completely out of your control. You did not make the key snap. You did not do any of this. So why are you getting so worked up? There is nothing you can do right now so calm down.’

And like that I did. My heart settled and I no longer felt as though on the verge of a panic attack. I felt so powerful taking back my ability to control myself and my emotions. I did not lose it as I would have before. Cursing and angry. I realized that I was not going to allow this small thing to derail my day.

Off I went to work and used the story as a part of my day. Got the name of a locksmith. Ex came and got my keys. He was going to see what he could do for me. Had a great day at work. And it became even better when ex messaged to say that keys were cut and he would leave them with Tember when he dropped him off. I was ecstatic. And to top it off the ex wished me a Merry Christmas. The keys were my gift.

Two years ago…….a year ago……six months ago……I would have let the whole key situation bother me. I would have been down all day. How could this happen? And at Christmas? Not this time. This time I chose to not allow it to dictate my day.

There is a power in this. I have had another step forward in my personal growth. This is not to say that I am never going to get upset again…..and lose my temper over something so trivial……however if I continue to catch these small things and correct them…..learn from them…..I evolve more and more into the glorious woman I be.

Dec. 26/19

P.S. To top it off I went to lock the apartment door only to have my door key nearly snap off. Thank goodness I can use Tember’s. Never rains but pours……And I am still smiling. 🙂

I Aver….

****7 Days****
Whispers
Close
A sound unheard
Tremble
Lost
Blackened Demons
Fire set
Burn you at the stake
Diving
Delving
Shredding your brain
With deadly thoughts
Scored with poison
Bitter thorns embed
Tearing fragile flesh
Gnawing tender bones
Sucking emotioned marrow clean
Sunken
Dead eyed
Walking through life a shadow
Ever afraid
To face yourself.
To see the truth.
You are beauty.
You are faith.
You are love.
You my darling 
You are more than enough
Come close
Myself
Broken
Bruised
Place weary head to shoulder
Sleep now
You guarded me well
Rest 
I will guide us 
I will love us
I will live for us
This I promise.
©Dec. 18/19
Picture is my own

Slew the Dragon

****7 days****

Tap tap tap
pencil on the table
used to focus my thoughts
words come with reluctance.
I do not want to share.
I do not want sympathy.
I do not want to see your face shutter
unable to comprehend
unable to understand.
I want you to hear
what was done
how I rose to overcome.
Darkness turned into light
tears into smiles
blackness pushed back
as I revel in my truth.
My life.
I dance with abandon
where once I would have been afraid.
Evil pervades
stalwart
inching forward
encroaching
blocking the sunlight
blocking the truth that should have been mine.
Have you ever seen a child
dance under the sky
face lifted
eyes closed
spinning around
certain the earth will catch them
as they fall?
Have you ever seen a child
cower in the corner
eyes turned
closed
not wanting to see
not wanting to feel
desperate to disappear?
Knock on the door
pry open the block in my mind
see the vile ink
pour free.
Monsters
big
small
consumed my heart
my soul.
Now though……
I am taking it back…..
Monster Slayer Supreme.
©Dec. 16/19
Picture via Pinterest

 

 

****8 Days****

I see you there.
Peeking around the corner
whimpering when I catch sight
wanting to disappear
wanting to hide
but I know you are there
come into the light.
Lank hair
desperate eyes
pallid pallor
tears seep
curled inward
blackness coiling around
tethering you….
to anger
to pain
to horror
blinding you
unwilling you were to see.
No one wants that nightmare.
No one wants to live in the dark.
Take my hand
feel my embrace
I am so sorry I left you for so long.
You must have been scared
not understanding
kept
like a dirty secret
of which no one talks.
Come stand with me
meld with me
for you are I
I am you.
Without you
without your pain…..
my pain
my addiction
my rage…..
Beautiful woman
come into the light
let go
raise our eyes to sunlit skies
for we are one.
I had to leave you alone
it took me awhile to return
yet here I am
here you are
baby we will succeed!
©Dec. 15/19
Picture is my own

Lock and Key

****9 Days****
Blackened hearth
ashes cold
no warmth found
a loss of self
a loss of innocence
tears track through soot
silence round
staring endlessly into the darkness.
Morbid thoughts
death
destruction
voice raw from shattered screams
gasping air
unable to stop
convulsing as the ugly truth
rears its bloody head.
Alcohol
consumed in copious amounts
dims the light within
allows for wraith like movement
through my own life.
Grey ghosts gather
dancing around my bed
an exorcism
no longer effective
I am lost within.
Broken
death looking on
time has come to change
to embrace this self
amalgamate it to the new
creating a better me.
As time grows close
my festive nature
a joy to perceive
my demons battled
sedated
locked within a chest
for which I have the only key.
©Dec. 14/19
Picture via Pinterest

11 Days to Go (Loving Myself)

Feelings
wrangled
caught
tossed aside
easier
to be non-feeling
to care not
than to accept…..
Abuse
wretched
damaging
turmoil wrought
turned my life to a nightmare
hiding
running
pain untold.
Addiction
ruination
addled
hidden from self
denial
rapt with lies
no matter how I try
caught in a vicious cycle
never able to end.
Recovery
light
happy
acknowledged
little girl lost
little girl found
learning to accept myself
learning to forgive myself
learning to be myself.
I know
but as the saying goes
better late then never.
Now…..
now I am loving my life
I am loving me
©Dec. 12/19
Picture is my own

Perfectly Imperfect

Wretched
hollowed eyes
staring into the mirror
aghast
this wraith
is it truly me?
Wrapped
pained chains
swathed in miasma
unable to swim free.
Blackened shadows
in the depths
reaching out
tentacles
lashed around
pull me downward.
Drowning
gasps
unable to see
preservation is key.
I cannot 
I am afraid
a child unacknowledged.
Fast forward…..
Looking back
to that woman
broken
lost
defeated
I was…..
To this woman
cracked
crazy
filled with love
acceptance of self
so lacking before
I now have in spades.
I have swum many an ocean…..
pain
tears
addiction
to arrive upon these shores
not in perfection
but in perfect imperfection
love me as I am.
©Dec. 10/19
Picture is my own