I am Embarrassed

This week has not been a good week.
There have been a few things that I have been mulling over and I needed to get the anger levels down before I wrote about the situation.
This post is not about that though.
Yesterday though.
I met the threshold.
There was no more that I was able to take.
It was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I have to put air in my tires and often.
So yesterday I left early to go over and put air in.
Especially the rear driver’s side.
It was low.
Drive over and the air hose is not there.
In I go.
I ask about the air hose and the girl behind the counter said I had to wait for the gas attendant to push the hose through the hole in the wall.
Okay no problem so off I go.
After waiting a few moments I went back to the front to see how many vehicles he had to fill.
And out comes another worker.
Her: I am sorry but the girl behind the counter did not know. You can’t get air because it is too cold out for the hose. It might crack.
I think I blinked several times trying to process this.
Me: All you need to do is push the hose through the hole.
Her: It is too cold the hose might crack.
It was -3 C.
Not cold by any means.
Me: Are you fucking kidding me? Are you telling me that I cannot get air? You push the hose through the hole and when I am done I push it back through so it will not crack.
Her eyes got very big.
Her: No no you just have to wait for the attendant.
I may have heard her wrong.
I admit that but I could not go any further.
I needed air and the last time it had been blocked off by a huge truck.
I phoned work to say I might be late.
As I am walking back I see the hose come shooting out the hole.
Spewing air or whatever it is that is in it.
I filled my tires and drove away.
Once the irritation at the inconvenience I had dealt with passed the guilt hit me.
I knew that I should not have sworn.
That is not who I am.
Or rather I try not to be that person.
It gnawed at me a bit.
Then a bit more.
I knew I had to apologize but I was beyond embarrassed by my behaviour.
And I was worried that if I went in she might be scared that I was there to be mean again.
As I sat here this morning more and more I knew I had to apologize.
And I looked out and saw the same car that had been there early in the morning yesterday.
And I had gone in earlier so it was the same girl I had snarled at.
I hemmed.
I hawed.
I decided to write a note.
I wrote that I was unsure if she was the young lady who was working Thursday morning.
That I was the woman who had sworn while talking to her.
That I wanted to apologize.
No excuses.
That I was embarrassed by my behaviour as that is not who I am.
And that again I was so sorry for how I acted.
I signed it Thank You. J.
When I went out I left it on the windshield of the car.
Under the wiper.
When I came home I was afraid that I was going to see it thrown to the ground.
But there was nothing there.
I am hoping that if it was not the right young woman that whomever does drive that car will pass it along.
Regardless of the stresses in my life I am not one to treat service people badly.
This time I did.
And I am not proud of myself at all.
©Oct. 22/21
Picture via Pinterest

Wrong Number

If you don’t love me

why do you keep me?

If you don’t love me

why do you care?

I stood before you

my hands out in supplication

tears crowding the corners of my eyes

mouth turned down

a sad clown’s frown

while raven’s clawed at my hair.

I rend my clothes

blacken my cheeks

with mascara rivers

as you stare in disbelief.

Suddenly I stop

and look at the number above you

realizing I am at the wrong house.

The one I needed to guilt lived at 217

and I was at 271.

Awkward…….

 

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