Scorecard

***Picture found on Internet feeling a little lighthearted 🙂
I figured that I should take a look at this week and see how things have been. I mean yes, I know that emotionally I have been all over the map. Some days I feel like I have two faces, a smiling I am doing ok face and the one that has tears leaking from its eyes.
This has been a rougher week.
I am not eating right because I do not have the oomph to get up and make something. I have been making an effort, but not the same as when I am in an ‘up’ mood. Yogurt, toast, oatmeal and salad. Fish and pork tenderloin. So I am putting nutrients into my body.
The apartment as I mentioned before is beginning to look at little disastrous. It is begin to nibble at the edges of my consciousness but not enough so that I am going to clean. However, I am having coffee with V and she is bringing her son with her on Tuesday. I will have to clean before than, only because I would be embarrassed to have V see the apartment looking like this.  Also, I have only been scooping the cat litter every other day. I use to be diligent in scooping daily. (I have two cats and three litter boxes) All of these are small indicators that the week was not that terrific.
Than, the feeling of sadness that I could not explain that permeated me from Thursday to Friday night. I cried a lot over those 24/36 hours. That was a treat and a half. My eyes, by the time I went to bed last night, ached from crying and were swollen. However, the bonus was that I could finally use my nose to actually breathe through.
Today I am good.
I have energy.
I want to go for a walk.
I have done a load of laundry and put it in the dryer.
I made my bed.
I have eaten a slice of toast.
I have a bad habit of looking at these good days and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the inevitable downswing of emotions that I have. I ruin them by feeling guilty and hearing that voice wondering why I am home. I do that to myself.
Today, I am going to change that. We all know that it is not going to be an easy habit to break. It is human nature to count up all our goods and wonder what bad will even it out. But that is not the way life works. There are no scorecards in life, with checks and balances for good and bad days.
Today I am allowing myself to enjoy my upswing. I will take advantage of it while I can, without going overboard. And I am going to throw away the scorecard I have been keeping.

Rome wasn’t built in a Day

Of late I have been doing a lot of thinking. Well what else am I suppose to do with all this time off? I spent the majority of last week not actively thinking about anything because the week before had been exhausting in all the connections I was making about my past and my depression. How, while I have dealt with the surface issues, I have never really found the root cause of my depression/self-harming/addictive behaviour.

Yesterday I was talking with V, one of my greatest friends. She checks in with me on a daily basis. I have known her for something like 10/11 years. We worked together in the same department until I transfered to the front. I tell her a lot. Well maybe not some stuff, like how when I fall down in the cesspool of depression that I am afraid to reach out because who the hell cares? Yeah, yeah I know, but that is how I feel.

We were or rather I was telling her that I need to go back and read the beginning of 2017’s blogs and poetry. I am fairly positive if I look back, that it began than if not the summer of 2016. However there is no strong indication of that and I do not have a written timeline for than. I do for 2017. That while I went back onto my meds, I continued to stuff whatever was causing me to fall, back down into the ‘If I don’t acknowledge it it is not real’ part of myself.

Throughout the year I was doing really well, or so I thought. Looking back with perfect vision I can see that that is not so. There are times where I pulled myself up and said this is just a mood, pms, the cat threw up type of day. I did not acknowledge that I was falling apart. Instead, I began to consume the pills while cutting back on the alcohol. Cut off one addiction and begin the pills to help numb me. What a wonderful way of coping I have/had.

V after I told her this, said to me, Jay, it took a year or more to build, you cannot expect that it is going to be fixed in a couple of weeks. And she is right. The medication that I am on is doing its job in leveling out my brain chemicals so that I am ok. What it is not doing is getting to the root cause. It is not helping me not to cry on a daily basis. It does not help with the guilt that I feel because some days are great and well, why can I not work, until I begin to cry.

I am working hard to not feel guilty. That having a mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. No one is going to mark a capital D on my forehead to mark me out. However mental illness still carries a stigma. Many people cannot understand how it is not a matter of changing my thought process or doing things that I enjoy, and because they don’t understand, nor do they chose to educate themselves, they will say things like ‘oh I made you smile you must feel better’ or ‘I am sure that your problems are not that bad’ or ‘What is your game plan?’

I look fine on the outside. There are no scars, no visible incisions, no bandaids to pinpoint where my boo boo is. Inside is a different story. As I said the medication is working to level out my brain chemistry, but my emotions are still up and down. I am actively poking around in my brain trying to recall memories, especially in regards to my depression. What lead up to them, how did I cope (easy enough answer alcohol/pills) and how did I return to participating in my life.

Over the weekend, I had crawled into bed to read. But I began having thoughts about things from my past. I thought okay I had better jot some of these down. So I grabbed my notebook and began typing. I began approximately in 1977 (5) to 1995 (23). When I was done I had a very long list. Some things are memories that I have and have no real bearing on my depression, I included them anyways because they are some of the few memories that I have. And there may be reasons why they are still in my head. I still have from 1995 (when I met my ex) to present day to work through yet. I have not even begun counselling yet and I have a list as long as my arm.

Even though the list is a long one, underneath there is the woman I am to become. Lighthearted, free and able to live and love her life.