I had an epiphany

This morning I was having a conversation with a friend. I know I often have conversations but this one, this one got me to thinking.

I am a fixer. A ‘Give me your problems and I will find a solution’, type of woman. Does not matter who you are or what the problem is, by nature, I want to make it all better for you. And now my brain has veered off into how the hell did I become a fixer? Why do I yearn to take on the world’s problems and make them right? Why (until now) did I always chose men who needed their hands held at every turn?

Small problems (which are not even problems) such as helping someone locate a hard to find item. Trying to put their fears to rest when attempting something new. My response to that is always the same, ‘Imagine the absolute worst thing that could happen and after that anything that occurs is going to be a piece of cake. Walk in the park. Cake in the park.’ You get it.

Larger problems can take up a lot of my time. I mull over them. I twist it this way and that. Looking for the hole that I can wiggle through. The hole that is going to lead to the answer, or at least a partial solution.

This is draining. My focus is no longer on myself, on my care and T’s. It becomes super stressful. In the past my way to handle it would have been to drink.

Today as I was having my conversation I made a sudden connection. And that connection leapt along the synapsis of my brain and made more connections. Until I stopped watching the gems fall and turned to face my friend. I wanted to shout this discovery from the rooftops, however that would require getting dressed and I am just not up for that at the moment.

I have a friend who is going through a really tough time. When I look at her life, I am surprised that she is still standing. The amount of shit life has thrown her way, and the fact that she is here, present and alive, amazes me. She is an absolute rock, one of the strongest women that I am privileged to have as a part of my tribe.

She text me early this morning and I was reading over them, giving half explanations without betraying her confidence in me and it happened.

I am not put on this earth to be the caretaker of anyone else. (Well with the exception of T but that should go without saying.)

It is not up to me to scoop up the troubles that plague the world. It is not up to me to point out how by taking a step over this way, could change how you view things. It is not up to me, to fix the problems that they come to me with.

What is up to me?

To be a damn good friend. To offer my shoulder and my ear. To listen and at the same time when I speak, to be wise and offer up my own experience and solution to an equatable problem.  Something that they can mull over themselves and it might help them to find the solution to their own issues. Or it may not.

Another part of this rebounds from a conversation that K3 and me were having. In it she stated that she felt we were brought into people’s lives so they can benefit from our experiences. I disagreed. We can tell people about what occurred but they are still going to make their own choices based on their own morals and life experience. Not ours.

What do we learn if we take all the advice others give us?

And that is another part of the epiphany which just came to me.

I am a big believer in learning my own lessons. No matter the pain that I am going to feel, I will face what I need to do. (Now I do, previously I may have stuck my head in the sand before facing my problems)

I need to speak less and listen more.

I need to be a friend, a warm hug, a place to shelter without compromising my emotional well-being. And I can be.

Because as I journey forward along the twisted path that my life is, I learn more and more about my role and place on this planet.

🙂

 

 

 

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Pain & Joy

Pain

rippling and folding

into every part of me.

Wrapping

chains of horror

around my soul.

Warping

my bemused mind

as I let go.

I now understand the root of my addiction.

I feel too much. I love too much. I give too much.

And when it falls,

when beneath the burden of my too muchness

it disintegrates,

that backlash of pain is overwhelming.

I recall now

the tears, the rage, the everything

that comes from this all absorbing pain of…..

Failure.

Not being enough.

Not believing enough.

From loving too much.

From giving everything.

From my own fantasies.

Silly girl that I can be.

Yet as I stand within this maelstrom of sorrow

I begin to understand my strength.

I do love.

I do give.

I do feel.

I do not need to hide from these emotions.

For within them is the true me

the girl who still dances with butterflies

and loves with all her heart.

The woman who can finally accept

the joy that comes from giving her all

and embraces,

rather than fights it.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Oct. 30/17

 

My Ex

A while back I wrote about how my ex and me were getting along and I realized how much I had matured. Well today I took that one step further. Today I looked passed the man who made me unhappy and spoke to my friend.

This is a man who at one point and time I loved. It is not his fault nor is it mine that in the end we just were not happy together. We are such very different people with little in common. 

Today was the first time that we had a conversation in a long time. And we both laughed. Not the fake ‘yeah get out of my face you are annoying me’ laugh but a real laugh. One that sets the other to laughing. 

We also still have inside jokes and can say things to one another that we are unable to say to anyone else. There have been a few times, where I have been spitting mad and the only one I can vent to is him.

In talking with a girl friend today, she informed me that I was taking the mature route with him. All I had said was his girlfriend was good for him.

And I no longer had to take care of him.

This man is helpless as a baby attempting to organize a tea party. I sent him numerous texts regarding the dates he had T over the summer. I also sent him several screen shots of my calender so he had it. Finally his girlfriend messaged me asking what the dates were. 

That is only one example. 

I can afford to be nice and decent to him. I am happy and in a great place in my life. And I really am working hard to let go of negativity.

It was easy to be angry with my ex when I left. I was blaming him for my unhappiness. Which really is unfair because I had a hand in my own unhappiness. I could have stood firm when I tried to leave three months prior to everything imploding. 

Now though…I am in my own space. I am writing daily. My relationship with my son and mom are amazing. 

So yes, I can afford to be kind with M2. And I even like his girlfriend even though we have not really spoken. But she is excellent with T and that more than anything makes me like K3.(Lol too many K’s- best friend, Auntie and now M2’s girl friend. M1 being my bestie.)

M2 loves T with all his heart. And at the end of the day that is all that is important. He is doing his best to be a great dad. Our failure to make our marriage last aside he will always be my friend. 

When I…..

***Photo is mine taken at Matlock Beach, Manitoba Canada August 29/17. Before Sunrise***

When I fall in love,

I am not asking for

nor desiring

sweet nothings

or flowers and candy.

When I fall in love

I ask that you understand

that sometimes this darkness eclipses

that on occasion the rage is unexpected

that I am not always the me

that you love.

Can you love the woman I turn into?

Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

I will warp from sunshine and laughter

to anger and despair

will you still stay near?

Wrap me in your arms

hold me safe

soothe the fears and tears

and understand to the best of your ability.

When I fall in love…….

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 31/17

 

 

 

Hello And Welcome

Good Morning All!

I have been a busy bee this morning.

I realized in looking over my blog, that I had way too many categories and duplicates of poetry, writings etc.

So this morning, since 6:30 a.m. (it is now 11:19 a.m. my time) I have been re-organizing and streamlining my categories. I have added more tags, but each item is categorized only once with the exception of my Fantasy-Poetry. It will still also appear in the Poetry Category.

I also in my infinite wisdom determined that I should clean up the images I have added and make more space for my own photos. Not that I have not enjoyed looking for and finding the perfect images to compliment my work, but I realized I have not been giving credit where credit is due. And that is so unfair to those whose works I have stolen without meaning too. I just really like the images.

Well, as I am going along and deleting, not reading what is on the screen, it finally hits my tiny little brain that there are more words than just ‘are you sure you want to delete?’ It actually reads when deleted it will be deleted across the board. Soooooooo I quickly pop over into my poetry and sure enough some of the images I had used are now gone. I will now have to go in and see if I can find any photos of my own to use or see if I was smart and did not delete off my computer.

For those who have been with me in my journey to those who have just joined in on the madness that is my poetry, my writing and my life. The humor and sometimes the sadness that I see, I hope that you will all enjoy.  And I hope that it will be easier for you to navigate through my blog. Looking for and finding pieces to enjoy.

Thank you everyone for helping me to realize my dream.

 

Opportunities

*Photo is mine taken today.

I watched the sunrise today

with silent tears on my cheeks

not from sadness you see

but for all the opportunities.

How many sunrises have I missed?

Because of time needed elsewhere

of responsibility and

well, just life.

I am also crying tears-

Tears for the girl I was,

for the woman I thought I would be.

Tears for the woman I became

and tears for the woman I am becoming.

Tears of sadness,

forgiveness

and welcoming.

Tears that cleanse my heart

and my soul

allowing me to embrace

all my opportunities.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

 August 29/17

Birthday Eve

Today is August 28th. In slightly more than 24 hours I will be 45 years old. I did not actually arrive in the world until 8:20 p.m. so am not “really” 45 ’til than. 

I am looking forward to turning 45. I am not the same woman I was when I turned 44 last year. I am by far a much better and stronger version of her. I have taken my life and where I could have continued along the path of destruction I was on I changed. Slowly at first. But as the changes became good changes, as my outlook and feelings became harmonized and less disjointed I welcomed the changes.

I have documented my cycle of depression and how I had to claw my way back. I have an amazing support group who have been with me since I started on the new journey to me.

A journey that has seen me rise high enough to realize I was in an unhappy marriage and find the strength to leave. To my mistakenly believing all my problems were solved by the dissolution of my marriage and I went off my meds. I began to rely on alcohol to get me through the days. 

My crash, which scared me so badly because I had allowed myself to be tricked into believing I was okay. Our brains are wicked when presenting one with deceptive illusions.

Even after I resumed taking my meds I still continued to self-medicate with alcohol. Finally July 1st I decided to stop. I went six weeks without drinking. And when I did, I woke the next morning disappointed in myself. 

I have had some again but there is a difference. One that I can see and feel. It is no longer a need. There is no desire to negate the feelings I did not want to face. 

So tomorrow I am turning 45. 

 I am eating better. I am sleeping better. I am exercising. I have quit drinking to self-medicate and find that I do not miss it. 

Best of all I am writing again. I am more secure in the voice I have. I am letting those wonderful words combine and emerge like a waterfall from my finger tips. I believe in magic again. 

At 45 I am beginning to emerge from the cocoon of the past. I can see my present but the future….that is a dream still waiting to be dreamed.