Word of the Day Challenge Poem #32 (Untitled)

When unfettered
when time unfolds
peace comes to heart
desirous new needs
felt
found
I am who I am meant to be.
Confident?
One might think
yet I am not.
No longer is there a voice
no longer do I berate
but critical
oh yes
I struggle with…….
acceptance 
of what I see in the mirror.
Afraid?
No longer
never again
for I am strong
for I am love
for the nightmare has been banished
sent on its way.
Sometimes though
in the dark of night
the nightmare returns
causing me to scream in fright.
To beg 
for help that never arrives.
Lost?
Never again
no longer.
For I know who I am
I know the path that I must walk
how to get where I need to be.
Once I was…..
lost that is…..
wandering
alone
unaccepting
hiding from all the pain.
All of this…..
the ideas
the emotions
foreign to me.
What I have found
a bone deep happiness
settling in
taking over.
Once there was pain.
Once there was fear.
Once….. 
I could only numb
my mind.
©May 19/19
Advertisements

Caught

When you look at me

your smile on your lips

my stomach does a flip

and butterflies soar.

When you touch my hand

pulling me in close

my breath catches

as I stare in your eyes.

I keep telling myself

not to do this

not to fall

for heartache is brutal

I have felt.

Swooning

your lips pressed to my ear

you whisper sweet nothings

stroking my hair.

Even as I fall

even as I let go

I know deep down

this happiness is fleeting.

I do not care.

I will live.

I will love.

I will be myself.

 

 

Believe

Coffee wafts through the air
senses becoming alert
no time to feel despair
no time to stop and relate
life is such a busy state
never a chance to recall
the missed times of childhood late.
Love
Misery
Divorce
Life
Reboot
Recall
Re-love?
Sunshine and swing sets
parks and long walks
children laughing
corn fattening
this is what memories play.
Work
Bills
Lawyers
Alcohol
Drugs
Fall
Get up
Give up
Come clean
Reconnect
Re-dream?
Cabin in the summer rain
war played on the carpet
memories that do explain
all about happiness.
I am not as lost as I feel to be
I am not as unfounded
ungrounded as I view myself. 
Within me lays the strength of the Titans
Within me lays the power to be
Within me lays the well of hope
all I need to do is believe. 
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
April 29/18

Desperate Reverie

With desperate reverie
I swim the seas of my life
hoping I will reach the buoy in the distance
before drowning in sorrow.
Nightmares and fears
bleak and barren
they follow me across this land
where am I going?
When will I find the sunrise
that claims my soul
that clears my mind
that eases the pain that clings
like sticky strands of webbing
holding me in place.
I crave peace
I crave happiness
I crave a life that can be lead
with assurance and confidence.
I stand upon the mountain top
staring at the expanse before me
snow covered tops
green valleys beneath.
Here at last I can take a deep breath
I can finally believe
that the best is before me
and the past has been laid to rest.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Go Me!

I feel like I need to say something. I am not sure what it is that I want to say though. Thoughts keep flashing through my head. Not one stops to let me latch on. My inspiration seems to have fallen short. Truthfully I do know what my problem is. I am unsure of how it is that I am going to deal with it. I keep starting to build scenerios in my head and than stopping. This is a dangerous road for me to go down because it starts small and spirals. Every time this happens, I tell myself to not go there. I do not know what the conversations are going to bring. And no matter how much I plot and plan, I do not know what the other person is going to say.
I do not want to return to work. I have been in Customer Service since I was 17 years old. As a waitress, a receptionist, rental and kitchen supplies, taking orders in an industrial setting, and for the last 14 years have worked for the same company in a variety of positions. I am working at a job that does not satisfy me. That does not challenge me so I need to create challenges. I fell into Customer Service by default. It is something that I am good at. Talking to people. Welcoming them. Remembering them. This was not where I was planning to be. A career in writing, that is where I saw myself but the path sorta veered out to the right, crossed to the left and has finally straightened out again.
I recently wrote about how T believes in me. It is time to start to believe in myself and my writing. I recently took the plunge and submitted a poem to the New Reader Magazine. I have mentioned this before and as I type this it has been exactly a month since I sent the poem in. I patiently await a response and am prepared for anything. Rejection is what I am expecting. Not because I do not think that the poem I submitted is not good but because it is my first submission anywhere.
This passed weekend I had the weirdest inspiration. And I wrote a poem that my baby bro told me was pretty good. He was not sure how one goes about measuring a poem as he has never read one before. Which let me know that it actually must be good because this is a man who reads absolutely nothing if he is able to get away with it. (It is due to my wonderful SIL that my niece and nephews are such voracious readers.) I had another poem that fit with this one so I put them together and submitted them.
Of course last night after submitting them I had an ‘omg what the hell have I done? I am so pretentious. Who am I to write about this material?’ I sent a message to K who of course talked me down. She is actually the one who encouraged me to submit Moral Bankruptcy  in the first place. The other is called Subvert. Two brand new and unpublished anywhere poems. And now I wait. Again I am fully expecting to be rejected. I submitted to The New Yorker.
Who am I to do this? That is what is going through my head over and over again. How could I have the audacity, an unknown writer, to submit to one of the most prestigous magazines out there? And in my voice I can hear my bro telling me over and over again to jump. Mom is behind him saying JDI-just do it. And most of all there is T cheering the loudest with ‘Mom you can do this. You can do anything.’
I am moving out of my comfort zone. I am proud of the poetry that I have written. Proud of the poetry that I have submitted. Poetry that as of yet has only been read by K and my bro. Proud of myself.  I am putting myself out there. For good or bad, I have done it.  Go me!

New Reality

I was laying in bed this morning  and began to count down that I had 24 days left until I am going to be returning to work. It took me a minute or so to realize what I was doing and give my head a shake. I am not going to waste the next 24 days worrying and fretting about going back to work. I do not know how people are going to react to me. I don’t know how I am going to feel until I get there. So I pushed it out of my mind.
I was having a conversation when the comment made was I was going to be walking back into my life. Which gave me pause. Had I been so involved with work and being perfect and bending over backwards for others, that my life was work? That is not how it is today.
I am already in my life.
Yes I am going to be returning to a job that pays my bills and rent. But in no way is it my life.
My life is:
T
Mom
Brother & Family
Writing
Reading
My girlfriends
The dreams I have that I am going to make come true
Work is but a brief interruption in my new reality.