Untitled Poem #8

There is a lump in my throat
panic filling my body.
I cannot breathe.
Were you to see me
you would never know
the thoughts rearing through my head.
There was no good morning.
No hello.
No good night.
Immediately that voice
sneering with derision
begins to babble in my ear
how I could have fucked up
between last night
this morning
this afternoon?
(when has it every worked?)
I close my eyes
to erase
to cease
to freeze
the voices inside my head.
Deep breathe.
Neither help
to collapse the pit
forming in my stomach.
Logically
I do know that I am a fool.
Emotionally
the voice hisses
reaping
gorging
breeding
on my fear
my worries
my tears
self-doubt making me crawl
within my own skin.
I remain quiet
not wanting you to know
suffering the dark voices
tears slowly seeping
from the corner of my eyes.
***I originally wrote this September 6/18.
I reworked it today to include the Word of the Day Challenge
Dubious.***
Photo by MMPR on Unsplash

Who would I be?

I am not perfect, I love without abandon
I am not perfect, I love without thought
I am not perfect, I cry without knowing why
I am not perfect, never will be and I don’t know why I try.

I can lasso the sun, and pull it in close
I can lasso my dreams, and hope they come true
I can lasso my thoughts, will they make sense
the only thing I cannot lasso is my heart.

I stare into the distance, I hope to make it better
I hope that you will love me as much as I love you
I know though that my thoughts and my feelings
They are but a dream.

We came to be without regard, we came to be because
You said to me that I was welcome to leave
But really what type of person does that make me?
To leave when the going gets tough?

I stayed because it was the right thing to do
I stayed because I could not go
You never said  thank you, I understood
you only kept on taking.

I did what I did because I cared
I did what I did because that is what is right
Regrets and fears, love lost in tears
that is what my life is made of.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

July 26/14