I walk through the greying mists
seeing vague shapes
to the right and left of me.
But when I call out
my voice becomes a mere whisper,
slighter than the flutter,
of a Monarch’s wings.
My tears are but shards of silver
pecking away at my heart
Uncovering hidden losses
and the pain I try to hide.
One day there may be comfort.
One day I may be free.
But until that day I shall fight,
to come back from the albatross
that hangs around my neck.
Somewhere in time
fantasies did grow
Over-taking all reality
until no longer
can one differentiate.
Was it madness?
An escape from life?
swallowed in a mimosa of hatred
swaddled in grey.
Beating against enclosing walls
numb with pain.
There is no escape from this truth
no matter how hard
no matter how fast
one tries to flee.
T comes into the house. He has been with his dad for the last week. Immediately he zones into the empty pizza box on the counter. His head swivels around and he glares at me. I have broken some sacred law that exists when you are a single parent. Thou shalt not have any fun or take out when your child is away from you. Not sure who wrote the law but am certain that it was a child.
I can only buy my favorites when he is not home. Chips. Cheese. Cookies. For if I were to buy when he was home I would never get a taste.
Is your eyebrow raised? Are you doubting me? If you are a parent and skeptical, than I am pretty certain that your child has not yet reached the treat stage. They are like 2 and you can still control them. Wait until your child turns 3. You will never again be able to enjoy your favorite foods without hiding it from them. From your child. From your spouse or significant other. Hell, from your parents. Everyone will devour the snacks that you have bought for yourself.
You mock me right now.
So listen to this story.
It got a little busy at work this morning so I had to jump on till. One of our regulars comes through. She has two younger children who are with her, and a teenage child. As I scan through her items there are a few chocolate bars. I ask if she would like them for herself. Would she like to hide them? As a treat.
And she looks at me and bursts out laughing. She knows what I am talking about. Explains that the bars cannot go into the ‘school snack cupboard’ because she would never even see a morsel. Has to hide the chips too because if she does not, her husband will eat it all.
‘I like chips too,’ she tells me and I agree.
This is the parental secret society. It is not limited to women. Men are also involved in this group. Generally they are buying the donuts, one only and scarfing them down in the car. Licking their fingers clean before they even start the car/truck. No need to get the steering wheel sticky and give away the fact that……a donut was consumed, without your knowledge.
I have a week to eat my treats. And I have learned to toss out the evidence prior to T coming home. You all only have minutes. And I bet sneaking that wrapper into the garbage is going to become a skill you hone all so you can enjoy a single treat.