1.feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
“self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression”
I realize that there are other meanings but in this instance I am talking about the mental perspective.
I live with depression. We all were down this road earlier this year when I fell down and went boom. Not so badly that I needed to take time off and really center myself. I thought that with going back onto my medication that I would stabilize. I began doing all the right things. Quit drinking, began eating properly and exercising. Walked lots. Over the summer I did a lot of writing. Spent time with T and chichi. Talked a lot with mom and I thought that it was all good.
When I quit drinking back in September, I knew I was doing the right thing. What I forgot though is that genetically (family history is pretty consistent on this even if a gene has not been found) we have a propensity for addiction. So while I was using alcohol in the earlier part of the year to numb and desensitize myself, when I quit, I needed to find another way to replace it. I did not at first. I cruised along, doing well for myself. Or so I thought.
Around November I guess that things began sliding again. As they did, I began to tighten up my control of things. I strove to become perfect. I did everything and than some. I was working closes on the Saturdays I was suppose to work. I was pulling extra time or half and half shifts to cover for my staff. I was working straight through without breaks. At home, T and me we were together but apart. I allowed him to spend too much time watching Youtube while I vegged and read because it was easier than me trying to be a mom.
By being a mom I mean arguing and fighting with him about simple things like showering, brushing his teeth or even keeping his room clean. We did have a few doozies of arguments with the culmination being last Monday December 18/17. That made me realize that something was really really going wrong.
And than there are the pills that I had been taken nearly constantly. Enough that they numb me so I do not work so hard to make sure that everything and everyone is going well and cared for. So that if small things slipped between the cracks, I would not find myself overwhelmed by what was going on. The voice that loops around and around telling me that I am a failure was stilled if only for a little while.
The pills blurred my edges. Until Saturday, when throughout the day I took over 30 pills. I just needed to get through the day and evening. In my world, in the one I saw, I was doing okay. In reality, I was crumbling and could not see it. Why? Because I am always the strong one. I am always the one who has it all together and I do not fail or fall.
It was a bad rock bottom. At work. My humiliation and the shame are still eating at me. I replay the scene over and over in my head. And there is more shame. And tears.
I am so very lucky that I have a great boss and a terrific support system. I am going to be getting the help that I need. I have a game plan in place to start being implemented at 8:30 a.m. tomorrow morning.
I will get in touch with my doctor and get into see him. We cannot throw away my meds because we have only just increased them. I still need to wait and see that through. January 5th was suppose to be D Day, but I guess tomorrow will be. I need some time off of work so that I can look after myself. So I can get this under control and find better ways to deal when I start feeling this way. And I have more touchstones for gauging my mental state. By the time I die I should have as much knowledge if not more than that of a counselor/psychiatrist/psychologist about my form of depression, the triggers, the symptoms and how to care for myself.
I have cried so much in the last 4 days. I have also learned much to my surprise, that I really do have a vast network of support. For the girl/teenager/woman who has always felt alone, never wanting to burden anyone with her thoughts and feelings, this is a really hard thing to get use to. I need to learn how to request help, accept the help and open myself to the love and care that is surrounding me. In my brain there is happy me and the dark sad me. Right now, dark sad me is forefront and center. She is a little mean one dark sad me. She has no belief in me and what I can do or deserve. Happy me can balance emotion and logic. Dark Sad me is all emotions and no logic.
I will get better. I know that I will. This is one more twisted path in my life that I need to follow and at the end of it I will emerge. Stronger. Happier. More aware of myself and my well being. For now I will move forward and do all the things that I know how to do. And maybe Dark Sad me may merge a little more with the Happy me so she too can find some solace in this pain.