Broken Hope

***Please note this is not how I am feeling at this time.***
I am broken.
Fragile heart
listless soul
lost 
broken
destroyed.
I am broken.
Tears
crystal shatters
falling at my feet
no longer does it pain me
for there is nothing
a black void
where once there was hope.
I am broken.
Cold I have become
realizing there is no love
not a shred to be found
within this being.
I am broken.
Survivor
a past so bleak
so brutal
that I hide from it
only forward will I go.
I am broken.
Gathering
tethering
some semblance
of reality.
I am broken
but know
I should never give up hope.
February 12/19
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Untitled Relationship Poem #2

***Running a little behind schedule today. I wrote this one Saturday December 22/18.***

It hurts me.
Stupidly
I want to wait.
How dumb?
How degrading
that I am putting your wants first?
I love you so
which floors me
leaves me tongue tied
speechless.
I have dropped
scorned
men who want my time
worship at the temple of my body
solely
for the truth
the hope
that your hands will touch me
your love
wrap around me.
Tears
streaming
streaking
filming my gaze
staring at you
wondering
do you still love me too?
I hope.
December 22/18

My Loss

It was not until today
that I realized
just how much I miss you.
Your smile
your words
your being
sitting
talking
with me.
You might think
my loss is desire
it is not.
My loss…..
no longer having someone believe in me
no longer having someone who loves me
no longer having someone who will fight for me
no longer having someone who feels like home.
I miss that feeling of happiness.
My bed
though king size
has become so wide
so large
I cannot find the end
the sides.
It has become the size
of three football fields.
The knowing
that someone is thinking of me
not day and night
every so often
I make them smile.
My loss…..
the man who made me smile
the man who made me happy
the man….
who knew my past
who knew my degradation
yet loved me still
despite the grey
the emotional curbs
he found in his way.
I cannot explain
why….
I feel connected.
Why….
I feel a depth.
Why….
I am willing to forgive
despite
all you have done.
You are not the only one
forgiveness should be paid
for too did I
strike out in my way.
I found a way
to rip you bare
using my words
my tongue
to cut you down.
To hate.
To love…..
oh hell
I am on my knees
begging you
please
can we not begin anew?
The ball bounces in your court
the ball it flicks passed me
what more can I do
what more can I say
I still want you.
December 17/18
Picture is one of my own.

Choices

This is a continuation of River Styx, Desert Red, Waste/Safe Land, Harlequin and My Knight.
We travelled
mostly in silence
chirps of birds
chittering of squirrels
sometimes the only sound I heard.
I sensed
felt
knew
that somehow I disappointed
this gentle giant.
I did not know how
nor what I could do
to rectify my mistakes.
We avoided cities
towns
any sign of civilization
until the abuse done to me
physical abuse
had healed.
The scars on my mind
woke me
screaming in the night
from nightmares
where Harlequin still ruled.
He began to train me.
Sword.
Knife.
Skulking.
Shadow hopping.
Every conceiveable way
I could now
protect myself from harm.
I woke one morning
to find him gone
disappeared
into the mists of my past.
I walked alone
ruing my mentor‘s departure
for I still did not know……
where I was?
who I was?
what journey
what choices must I make?
Sept. 18/18
Photo by Anders Nord on Unsplash

Waste/Safe Land

***This poem is a continuation from River Styx and Desert Red
Travelling the desert
a hundred days
I felt sand
scouring
flaying
devouring
flesh from my bones
molding
forming
another me.
Peddlar man
quiet
plodding along
but inherently
seeking oasis after oasis
as I needed rest.
he refused to answer
any
all
cajoling
questions.
Shaking his head
not in annoyance
more like a parent indulging their child.
We crested that last sandhill
my mouth fell open
a silent o
as before us
spread out
a verdant sea
tears spilling down my face.
Sept. 15/18
Photo by Robert Lukeman on Unsplash

I will…..

Standing atop the mountain
staring down
above clouds skitter across the sky
below
a fall that could mean death
unless I trust I can soar.
My tongue is swollen
words I wish to say
locked in
my throat closes
leaving me breathless.
My heart hammers
pounding
against my ribs
a hand
reaching within
squeezing
ripping it without.
Fall too fast
fall too far
always told to not be rash
to bide my time
to furl in my desires
all will come eventually.
Leaping before I look
before I gauge the situation
trusting myself.
I will fly.
I will fall.
I will be caught.
I will find my truth.
It is out there
waiting on me.
Sept. 7/18
Photo by Mike Wilson on Unsplash

Believe

Coffee wafts through the air
senses becoming alert
no time to feel despair
no time to stop and relate
life is such a busy state
never a chance to recall
the missed times of childhood late.
Love
Misery
Divorce
Life
Reboot
Recall
Re-love?
Sunshine and swing sets
parks and long walks
children laughing
corn fattening
this is what memories play.
Work
Bills
Lawyers
Alcohol
Drugs
Fall
Get up
Give up
Come clean
Reconnect
Re-dream?
Cabin in the summer rain
war played on the carpet
memories that do explain
all about happiness.
I am not as lost as I feel to be
I am not as unfounded
ungrounded as I view myself. 
Within me lays the strength of the Titans
Within me lays the power to be
Within me lays the well of hope
all I need to do is believe. 
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
April 29/18