Why you won’t want to date me

What one can expect to find if they continue after reading and understanding the rules:

My heart enclosed. The gates locked. Bridge is up and the moat is full. With vicious crocodiles. And piranhas.

As I sit here, pouting like a petulant toddler who’s discovered she has to share her candy, I realize how hard I am to please. I have always been the caretaker. That role, after doing it for years becomes exhaustive.

Every single relationship I have been in I end up being in total control. I am the one making all the plans, paying all the bills and ensuring that life continues along tickety-boo. And now I have independence and the only ones I need to worry about are T and myself.

So I have come up with 10 things I need to warn the opposite sex of. About me. And my requirements. For my non- relationship. With a man who can take care of himself.

1) I do not want a relationship. However I do not want to share you. So get use to it.

2) I want a text. Not a thousand times a day but a good morning, a hey in the afternoon and a good night. So I know I have flitted across your mind.

4) I want to hang out with you. But I don’t. So just sit there until you figure it out. I will continue to read my Kindle.

5) I want to talk to you. Sometimes I will actually want you to participate in the conversation. Wait for the extended pause and dive in there.

6) I am a little bit crazy. But just a little bit, most of my friends will tell you it is barely noticeable.

7) I have anxiety attacks. There is no rhyme or reason they strike from no where. Just talk to me calmly about anything so I can focus and ask you questions.

8) I am not certain I want overnight company. I now sleep diagonally across my king size bed. Debating if I want to share.

9) I live with depression. That means some days I am sad. There is nothing you can do about it. Give me a hug and kiss and I will be okay. Some cuddles are nice too.

10) I am extremely emotional. I cry at commercials. I get mad at stupid stuff. I feel things very differently.

Truthfully, I am forwarning most men.  I am a weird woman. I want my independence. I want to be taken care of. I want to be respected.

T and me had a conversation recently. He wanted to know when I was going to get a boyfriend. I phfft’d and said I did not need a boyfriend.That I was more than capable of doing what was needed. He looked at me and asked ‘ you just needed one to help you put together my bed, right mom?’  (I so could have put his bed together but a friend with a drill is much more helpful)

Tiny Shower

Picture above is of the shower I used this morning.

So I am out camping. In a trailer in the rain. Not a cabin with creature comforts but a trailer!

Don’t get me wrong tis lovely what with the wind and the rain. And the fact I am the only sober one. But I am not complaining. There is fun to be had and well showers to take.

My alarm goes off at 5 a.m. because I need to be at work for 6 a.m. and despite the fact I am only 6 minutes away does not impress me much.

(A little side bar about me: I have a pathological fear that I am going to be late. Always. And I am positive that my phone will not go off at the expected time. Last night was not so bad I did not wake up every hour like I usually do when I work Saturday a.m.  And just so you know it is only Saturdays I have this issue with.)

So my alarm goes off at 5 a.m. I bolt upright as unlike at home it is not next to me but on top of the damn fridge. As is the secondary alarm we set due to my fear of oversleeping. I turn mine off no problem haven’t a clue about the second phone and toss it off to its owner. So I am upright and slightly mobile.

I go into the bathroom and ask how I use the shower. Don’t laugh; chuckle a little, maybe giggle but no laughter 😁 although it turns out to be just like a regular shower. I am warned to watch the hot water as it can be finicky. Not sure what that means but hey I have never showered in a camper before. I turn on the water and step into a space designed for….I am not sure….someone who is shorter and thinner than I am.

I have barely put my cleaner on my face when I notice the water is getting cooler. Okay I thought to myself maybe the cold water is persnickety too. Turn the cold down. Begin to lather up my hair as the water gets a tad cooler. Now understand I have not been standing in there for 5 minutes or even 10. I have been in there for maybe 90 seconds.

Get my hair lathered and rinsed with shampoo. It is still a little warm. Throw conditioner on my hair and the water continues to get colder.

So 5 a.m. in a tiny wee shower (I am 5’6.5″ tall 120 lbs) and I have had no time to process that it is morning. My face is half covered in face wash, I think I had all the shampoo rinsed out when I threw the conditioner on.

Now I am swearing cause damn that water was cold. I mean ice cold. Shit and F bombs are flying left right and center. 20 second conditioner splash and rinse.

Well I am now wide awake. Freezing. And going to work. Yes it was only 5:35 when I arrived. Yes I still needed coffee to finish the wake up process. And I will never ever go on an excursion like this again if I work the next day. Unless the camper has a bigger water heater.

 

This will not be an annual thing……

So the muses of my mind have been a little silent. With so much going on within the last week and the need to organize everything I can before I am on holidays next week, they are either taking a siesta or have gone on a vacation of their own. I am missing them a lot and wish that they would return from wherever they have gone but in the meantime I will do my best using my own voice to fill y’all in.

Last week between mom being here for a visit and T finishing off school it was hectic. It was also a long weekend here in Canada. However, our work week runs Sunday through Saturday so my stat was during the week, not this passed Monday which everyone else had off. I was at work for 6 a.m. And when asked if I enjoyed my weekend off I smiled sweetly because truth be told, it was already my weekend off as I had T.

Thursday afternoon I returned mom to the city. Via a massive amount of construction. I sailed through my confidence level good despite the fact I was driving in the city, in two lanes surrounded by angry people and pylons. We made amazing time. Hit every green light until mom stated the obvious. And jinxed us. After that I made every yellow light.

While turning onto Taylor to head to Grant (yes I know those who do not reside in Manitoba will not really understand but that is what google maps are for :)) this jerk decided he was going to try to pull across two lanes of roadway, cutting me off. He figured he was old and deserved it, I figured he was rude and could wait. I won, he called me a nasty name as I stared at him and I smiled. Again pure win on my part. That than lead to a discussion between mom and myself as to why her generation feels so entitled. As though the rules no longer applied to them. Mom was horrified to discover that this is a thing as well as flabbergasted that some many of her generation have become rude and arrogant.

Dropped mom off at my uncle’s with the promise that we would see her Saturday morning up at the lake. Until I returned home and mom started texting. It seemed that my aunt and uncle could not decide what time they were planning on leaving for the lake Friday. Mom was going crazy (like me she likes a time line of when and where and how) so it was decided that after work Friday T and me would drive to Winnipeg, pick mom up and head off to Matlock Beach for the weekend.

(Side bar: Thursday night as I was making supper, T and me are talking. I was making mashed potatoes and the fork I had used to fluff them was covered in white, steaming butter covered potatoes so I stuck the fork in my mouth, tines down to lick it off. The fork got stuck in my mouth, caught behind my bottom eyeteeth. I was frantic. I tugged and could feel my teeth sorta move so I stopped. Visions flashed before my eyes of me having to go to the hospital emergency to have a fork removed from my mouth. I would have sat there for hours while nurses made fun of me behind their charts. I eventually wiggled it free and will never ever do that again. Tines up from now on)

Friday mom wants us to leave by 2 p.m. I did not walk out the door of work until 2 p.m. I also was unable to head home at lunch to get anything ready so when T and me got home I was flying around the house. Dishes had to be done. Garbage taken out. Pack clothing for two days and whatever toys T wanted. T is meandering around the house. I am nattering away about clothes and move your butt when T announces ‘mom the more you rush me the slower I am going to go. And I will forget stuff.’ Grrrrrrrr the logic of 8 year olds.

Finally we left. And I was directed to take a different route to my uncle’s. One that would avoid construction. One that took me via a complex maze of streets, four lane highways, merging and the need to find side streets to drive down. Needless to say, it did not work out well. My anxiety ramped right up. I ended up in the wrong lane and I had to turn. Slight detour. Finally, despite having made a wrong turn again I reassured T I knew where we were and not to worry. I also discovered that unless it involved Minecraft or Scrap Mechanic his skill for detail and remembering pertinent info is still unformed.

Fast forward ahead and we arrived at the lake safely and soundly. T was excited. Mom used me as a mule and I schlepped things in, helped to unpack and than poured a glass of wine. I felt the week’s stresses melt slowly away and I was looking forward to a nice weekend at the lake. Maybe the weather gods would be nice and actually provide us with beautiful weather for the weekend. (They did not the lousy jerks until I was reminded that they required sacrifice, mainly bare skin for the oogling……not when the temperature is only 15 with wind and clouds it isn’t. The weather gods and me just did not see eye to eye although I did show a little leg for their amusement.)

T had an awesome weekend. His friend from last year was out. They spent Friday evening and all day Saturday and evening playing. Still trying to figure out what they found to talk about because neither one stopped once. They created plays and played war games. Who knew that sticks could be the source of great amusement?

Sunday rolls around and we have to leave around 12:30. Sitting on the deck with mom while T and his friend KJ (to differentiate from K) ran around playing. Which is when they spied the pieces from the Ladder Golf game and asked if they could play. Which lead to me having to put it back together. Missing pieces. Small pieces jammed into three way pipe and nigh on immovable. I groused. Mom insisted.

I sat on the ground looking at the pieces. Mom went in and Youtubed a video. Wanted to take all the pieces inside to put together. I glared at her. I swore. I told her as I sat on the damp morning grass that she should just let me be, I would get it. I swore some more, stared at her over the top of my glasses and stated the obvious: ‘If some dumbass takes this apart this year, it is going into the fire next year!’

Took me about fifteen minutes to get the two pieces together. T and KJ began their game while mom and me went back to our crossword puzzles. Me still grumbling under my breath that she had best not expect me to make this an annual thing. I would not be putting it together again next year. (I may buy some compound cement and glue it all together mwahahahahhahahahahahaha)

And than the weekend came to an end. T and me had to leave as his dad was picking him up at 4 p.m. After he text me to ensure that this was his week to have T and what time was he to pick him up at. I sorta stared at that text for a moment or two trying to process how someone would need to be reminded of their week with their child but hey……..

This week has been busy busy busy. I am working to get everything done at work. I have been working out 1 hour and 15 minutes every other day. I have cut all the bad stuff out of my diet, wine, tobacco (7 months for that one!!!) and am working very hard to become healthier and stronger. My energy level is up (as proven by my body’s desire to be up at 6 a.m. today despite being able to sleep in) and my dreams are beginning to return. (Not dreams as in things I want to do but those fun and wacky images that run rampant at night.)

Next week is holidays and apparently the weather gods are suppose to be being kind. Hot and sunny. If they are really kind I may even get into the bathing suit and go swimming in the lake with T. But only if they are really kind.

It is summer time…..

Not entirely sure who is more excited for summer. Me, T or mom? Me, I love basking in the sun. Lying on the lounger, reading, getting a tan. T, easy enough, there is no school. Mom because she is home and gets to see her grandchildren and children.

Last year was the first year that my ex and me were in different homes. Which lead to a lot of behavioural issues with T as he tested boundaries, came to grips with the different lifestyle he now had to embrace. And mom got to witness the issues which lead her to have some rather distant feelings towards her grandson.

I understand. My own grandmother and me had a relationship that did not warm until I was an adult. Why? Because mom shared a lot with her, just as I share a lot with mom. This leads to judgements because this is their child that they want to protect. And also it bugged(s) the hell out of them to see disrespect being served to their children.

This year is different. Mom again came out and spent a few days with us. During school. So she walked to meet T after school, went to his school picnic. The two of them were able to spend one on one time together and T is a very different child than he was last year.

For myself, I am more confident than I was a year ago. Between learning how to stand on my own two feet and growing into most aspects of my life, the confidence oozes out of me. I think it may be a little disconcerting for some, but since going back onto my meds and just embracing the joy of life, I am evolving into the woman I always imagined that I would be.

Which leads me to the summer break. And the desire to spend more time up at the beach with mom and T. Actually, just the desire to spend more time with the two of them, and to watch a relationship evolve between the two that I thought might not happen.

I am very close with mom. So when she and T had their differences (okay he was a little brat and mom was frustrated with his behaviour and I really was no help) it hurt me. I want them to share the type of relationship that I had with my amma when I was little, with my grandfather as a teenager and young adult and with my grandma as I became an adult. It is not anything that I can force because than the closeness was not there.

But this year. This year it is. I am watching a relationship unfold that is going to benefit both mom and T. There are no words to describe the relationship I had with my three grandparents. Each one of them treated me differently and I learned so much from them. I loved each and every one of them differently and to this day (amma died when I was 10, grandpa when I was 21 and grandma when I was 39) I still tell T stories about all three of them. Today on the way home from the city T and me, we had a great conversation about gg-my grandma, his great grandma.

There has been laughter, cheers and the two of them have started an Uno contest. I am sure it will last all summer long. So the reason that I am not sure who is more excited has to do with this fragile new relationship that is forming before my eyes. I saw mom’s eyes gleam with excitment as she told me not once but several times how different T was. I witnessed how T reacted to mom, cleaning up (his bedroom folks is walkable!!!!!) no arguing and he wanted to be with her.

As for me, well I am excited to take a week’s holiday in July. I am so excited to see mom and T talking and being together. And they are funny. This is an example (I chortled and chortled about this):

A gentleman rides by us on his bike. I had to remind mom to move over on the path. Tember watches him go by and looks at me.

‘Mom, he has man boobs.’ he whispers kinda loudly.

‘They are suppose to have bells to let us know they are coming,’ mom sighs.

‘You call them bells?’ T is very confused. (at this point I began chortling)

Both mom and T were a little confused. But they got it worked out. And I giggled.

So maybe, truth be told, I am looking forward to this summer more than mom and T. They might be looking forward to spending time together. I am looking forward to the conversations, actions and weirdness that is going to come from our spending time together. There are going to be a lot of funny blogs/ideas that come out from this.

 

Who knew I could smell so bad?

This is my week with T.  Wednesday I was suddenly struck cold, right through to the bone. I even pulled the heater out at work when I was covering my second’s break because I was so cold. Went home, slept, went and picked up K and came home to T. In the evening it wasn’t so bad. But it hit hard over night. I awoke drenched in sweat my hair could almost be wrung out. Gross right? Well I felt worse.

I called in. Something that I had promised myself the last time that I was going to avoid doing for the next six months. I moved and my head throbbed, my eyes squinting because the light was too bright. I had blinds closed, glasses off and it was painful. My hips, my legs, my back ached. I slept almost all day. I did not take T to soccer. Ordered him pizza for supper because I could not move to cook. I have never felt so helpless and useless a mother as at this point.

T tucked me in and gave me his stuffed puppy to cuddle with. Along with his blanket. His dad knew I was ill so he picked him up and off to soccer they went. Home at 8:30 I tell him his bedtime is 9:30 and I am trusting him. He was in bed at 9:30. Friday a.m. I woke up again covered in sweat and my sleep had been so disjointed but I had to go to work. I groused and groaned and snivelled and groused some more, but off we went.

I am glad that I went in. I pushed through my day and as I did I began to feel so much better. By the end of my shift I was no longer forcing my smile or my laughter. Not cured mind you as my head was still throbbing. I made T clean up the floor because it hurt to bend over and pick up the mess on the floor. Hint 2 I was feeling better: the mess that had accumulated in two days of being ill, was annoying me.

Woke up this morning feeling good. Wee headache but livable. Only to discover that T puked in the middle of the night. He also had a wee accident. And he was cold.

It is Summer in the City in our city this weekend. He had to go. ‘Mom I am fine.’

I caved. He pushed through it. I am going to say this kid has way more stamina than I do. I do believe he is built like his chichi and refuses to allow illness to deny or keep him from anything.

As we are walking home, holding hands, I know yet again my guy isn’t feeling very good. Because what healthy 8 year old boy wants to be seen holding his mother’s hand as they walk down the street? He is also complaining that his legs are aching.  ‘Mom when we get home I just want to lay down on your couch.’

As I am sitting at the computer T is laying on the couch. He has not eaten yet, another indication of illness. I look over and use the bribe food: ‘Hey if I make mac and cheese you gonna have some?’ ‘Sure mom.’

Okay, and he is warming up. Maybe he is like chichi and not his wimpy mommy when it comes to sickness.

I start making the mac and cheese and he is patiently waiting. I am playing on the computer, minding my own business, eye on the timer when all of a sudden……pooot poooooot poooot pppppoooooot ppppppppppoooooooooot.

I look over at T with wide eyes and say what was that? Like I don’t know.

T stares at me I think in slight suprise. And than I am guessing that the smell hit him. His face twitched, he gasped and said ‘I didn’t know I could smell like this mom!’

And I laughed as I got up to stir the noodles and said ‘and you can’t even get away from it.’

****T did attempt to get me to smell said disgusting fart by insisting he required a kiss. I held my breath until far enough away.

 

The Bird who likes to Poo

T has taken an interest in my poetry. While hanging out with Auntie K on Wednesday before his doctor appointment, they created this brilliant piece of work. I however may be a tad biased.

I met a bird named Blue

He took a poo.

And than he flew

And took a poo.

Than Blue knew

He took too many poos.

©T Doerksen

May 29/17

The Invisible Brake

I am sure that as every teenager passes into that realm of being a responsible adult by learning how to drive every last one of us….we have driven with our parents.

I am unsure if when a father teaches his daughter or son that the same things occur when a mother teaches the same children to drive. I will actually never know. My mom taught me how to drive. Kinda. I mean, because of her, I learned how to drive a standard. The rest of it, I learned in an automatic. Most cars I drove were automatics because well my mom did not trust me enough to let me drive her car.

When I was 14 we took a trip down to Texas. My mom allowed me to sit in the driver’s seat in a McDonald’s parking lot and practice shifting gears. Totally awesome right. I am one of those summer babies. So while all my friends hit their landmarks in school, I hit them all before the next school year started. (Try being the only 17 year old in your group of friends graduating, sober, boring and watching everyone else have a grand time) PSA Drinking does not lead one to have a good time. But in moderation and with good friends, it can enliven an evening and make for good memories.

So while all my friends were getting their driver’s license’s I was held back by my age restraint. And than the fact that the first time I went for my driver’s test, my brake lights did not work, second time I failed everything but the parallel parking aspect and third time is the charm. Got my license.

Alright, I have my license. Hey I even had a job. I was well on my way to becoming a responsible and active adult member of society. But mom, well mom had some issues.

The first time we drove together after I got my beginner’s was in the Kmart parking lot near our home. There was a lot of shouting. It was a Sunday. (This was before Sunday shopping was a thing, so the parking lot was empty.) I stalled a lot. Do you know, that really to shift gears is so easy, 20, 40, 60 and 80 and 100. Learned that from a boyfriend. Prob only good thing cause I don’t recall his name.

Mom yelled. I slammed on brakes. A lot. Not the invisible one. The real one. I stalled. She drove home.

Which leads me to this recollection.

One Friday evening mom is going out with the girl friends. I am going to babysit for one of them. Mom decides that I should drive from one end of the city to the other. Back in my day it would take about 1/2 hour to 45 minutes depending on how I hit the lights. Today, it would take us close to an hour and a half.

Hyundai Pony. A blondish gold color. Very basic. Had the radio on to my station. Yes, mom allowed me to have my radio station on. She sat in the passenger seat which underneath the glove box had a shelf that held the interior warmer. This is an item that you have when you live in Manitoba.  One plugs it in along side their regular block heater. This one though kinds takes the chill outta getting into a car in -40 degree celsisus weather.

The drive from home to the downtown area of Winnipeg is uneventful. It is twilight and I have made most of the lights so it has been clear sailing. Part of my route is a known route for it is the way we drive to my grandparents every week. Mom and me we are talking. Laughing. Having one of those really rare mother daughter (when she is a teenager) moments. Where all the animosity, the ‘you know nothing attitude’ the exasperation because well how do you understand a daughter who is nothing like you? That night mom and me, we were in a groove.

We are driving up Donald Avenue. This area is center downtown Winnipeg. It is a bus route. It is Friday night approximately 7ish in the evening. Traffic is enough to make mom a little nervous. So we are cruising along. I am doing all the right things. I am, for one, in the damn lane I need to be in. Two, I am watching all angles of traffic…..including the buses to the right of me. And yes, I am aware that the bus has it’s flasher on. Yes mother I am aware, I am watching.

Well mom had very little faith in my ability to gauge traffic. To this day she still grabs the door handle if she thinks I might be about to kill us all. First she says ‘Jay, watch out.’ I look at her and say nothing. (From the corner of my eye) ‘Jay-lyn do you see that bus?’ I glance at her and return my concentration to the road. Please note, the bus is 50 feet in front of me, edging out and I have already taken my foot off the gas because a) my depth perception is a little off and would rather be safe than sorry b) mom is starting to panic.

The bus swings out into my lane. There is more than enough room to spare. I am no where near crashing into and killing not only ourselves but the bus riders. Mom shrieks. I look at her in dismay. Radio is playing Bon Jovi. And mom slams on her invisible brake.

Her invisible brake? The shelf that held the interior warmer. She slammed her foot into that shelf like it was going to bring the car to a complete and utter halt. My head whips around and in a split second I gape at her than return my attention to the road. The bus soars off into the distance and four cars are able to slide into the gap.

I glide to a stop at the red light. And my head swivels to look at mom. Mom stares back at me. I cannot even ask the question. But I do. ‘Mom what do you not trust me?’

Mom looks at the the shelf. She looks at me. (and this is poetic license)

‘Onward Jeeves.’

**If memory serves I think there was a lot of giggling and accusations shouted in fun. I demanding to know if she didn’t trust my driving skills or what? And her defending her actions……’but that bus was soooooo close.’**