I am not a Killer

As I was showering Sunday morning I suddenly realized that I could never kill someone……and get away with it.
First off is that it is a crime. It comes with jail time. It comes with infamy. No thank you. And orange makes me look so sallow.
Than I would dither about how I would kill them. Do I use a knife? A gun? Rope? Hammer?
My poor victim would be staring at me in horror as I was trying to figure out which weapon I wanted to use.
Than do I want to be up close and personal or from a safe untainted with corruption spot elsewhere?
(This is how I will kill them-death by indecision.)
So I have gotten this far what comes next?
The clean up.
And you know you never ever get all the blood.
You would be crawling around on your knees, microscopic eye trying to detect the slightest spatter of human matter.
Clean up would have to be done with the black light and than you find out what else is all over that room. (Gross need I say more?)
Too talkative. I like to talk. I would be remembered.
‘Yes officer I am sure that is the one. She would not shut up for a minute.’
I would by and large leave enough DNA evidence it would be unbelievable. I shed copious amounts of hair.
As I watched my hair go down the drain I realized that I would need to get Drano or something soon.
Which lead me to than think about today’s word radioactive.
What if when I poured it down the drain a giant hairball came to life.
Than I thought I would get T to do it. However there is some law that says you cannot put children in danger. Not even if it is to fight off a radioactive hairball.
So there you have it. Why I could not commit murder and get away with it. But I am a writer mwahahahahaha I will kill you 100x on paper.
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Update December 2018

T has gone for a sleepover at his best bud’s place. I decided that I was going to tackle his room. I mean c’mon the smell in that room was a palpabile. Stand at the doorway and you are choking. Yes this is my fault as I allowed it to get this far. But today was ‘D’ Day. I have been warning T that if he did not do something about that room I was going to. So I did. Have to say am right impressed with myself. 48 minutes to clean it, strip the bed, vacuum and voila. Spray a little Febreze and well I can enjoy the illusion for one day that it will not stink of sweaty feet, grungy hair, garbage not strewn all over the floor. Shhhhhhhhhh allow me this please. Just for a moment. 
 
I started a list of things that I found in T’s room while I was cleaning it.
 
1 roll of toilet paper tied up with a yellow rubber band.
2 1/2 full 2lt Pepsi bottles in his bed.
2 pairs (Mr. I have No Socks) of socks and several loose ones. After doing laundry it has been determined that he has approximately 8 pairs of socks. Like seriously?!?
My camera…..in the basket with all his cars. Cause…….movies mom movies.
1/2 of the cutlery I have been looking for
1/3 of the cups/mugs
and last but not least (I am a bit perturbed by this)
a plastic bag containing:
1 sock. 1 only.
Charger Cord
Magnetic Mirror that mechanics use
Tiny screw driver
 
I have to admit that in the grand scheme of things I have been pretty lucky. Yes T is a bit of a pig in a sty. He is getting there though. The other day he brought his cereal bowl out to the kitchen sink and looking over at me says ‘mom I must be growing.’ I am a little confused (he has the same bad habit that I do…..starting up a conversation on a different conversation that may have been 3 days ago but you know we are a little different T and me.)  ‘Meaning?’ ‘Well I brought my dish out of my room and put it into the sink.’ Oh. So you do something I have been nagging you to do for well forever….but now I am suppose to give you kudos for the one time that you brought out that bowl. Dude, I found half my cutlery drawer in your room. Why do you need that much cutlery? Is this a thing that I need to be concerned with? Is that the new initiation? How much cutlery can you hoard before your mom will brave your room? 
 
The beginning of this week was hard on both  of us. Getting use to the rules that differ from mom to dad’s place. Having to once more explain why he has to be off Fortnight at 9 p.m. Again it has gotten better as the week has progressed. Beginning of the week arguments when suddenly…..Wednesday was it? Yes it was. I was in a bad mood in the morning. And T began off with the lip. I was done. LOL I know how many times have you heard me or any parent say that and mean it? Yes there will be times but not when you are 10. We fought. On the way to school he is sitting arms crossed hostile to the end. We are going through the 20 km zone when I hear this pop. I look over at T and asked if he had just farted. Nothing. Than pop pop pop. And he starts to grin. Begins flapping his hands towards me. Where is a gas mask when you need one? I pulled up to the drop off zone (and let me tell you learning how to use the pick up/drop off lane plus the round about has not been easy) he grabs his bag hops out of the car, looks at me and tells me he loves me than slams the car door shut. Really? I was choking, gagging but this may have been the breaking point. 
 
When I told him it was 9 p.m. I expected a fight. No. He told his friend that he had to get off. He is talking to me on the ride home from the Ex’s. Oh yeah neglected to mention that part. I have no babysitter for T after school so I am relying on the Ex to help me out. Now I can return the favor and T will be spending the night here during his dad’s week. We have laughed a lot. Had to explain to T about what tenacious meant. Also how we have to correct the slightest deviation from known facts. Being literal I believe others call it. And than came the weekend. 
 
Friday night we get home. T does what he has to do and goes into his room. Xbox, Fortnight, ya know kid stuff.  I am sitting on the couch t.v. on in the background as I go through my emails. (Tonight is different. Tonight I am listening to my music on shuffle dancing in my seat and writing.) Suddenly I hear T tell his buddy that he is going to go. He wanted to come and hang out with me. Wait? What? I am sorry but who are you and what have you done with my son? I worry about him. Some might say I am overindulgent with him. Permissive. I am working on that. He has not fussed once about the bedtime hours. He has been doing his chores pretty regularly. I mean yes as we drive home I am asking him what he has to do but he is doing them. 
 
My child is so much like me that I hurt for him. He feels things differently. Hoards those thoughts and feelings until something sets it off and suddenly I am the bad guy. I now understand how my mom must of felt when I would go off on her in anger. I am bewildered. Blink rather rapidly as my brain fast forwards to catch up to what he is screaming at me. It is never what he is screaming it is what I have to dig for. Try as I might to not lose my shit I usually do. There are words. There are tears. Than the real talk begins.
 
Last night was not one of the screaming nights. No last night T made me feel short because he can take stuff off the top of the fridge without standing on tip toes. Also on tiptoe is able to reach where the bandaids are. We laughed. Sometimes 10 year old wisdom is so much better than the advice anyone else can give me. He is pretty astute. We had an amazing evening. T made paper airplanes, a ton of them while we chatted and I read emails. Blogs that I follow. It was nice. 
 
Today he is off for sleepover. I cleaned house. And I have written a chatty blog probably terrifying those who only know me through my poetry. Now I am not sure. The night is mine. The only night that is mine lol I will let it play out as it pleases. 
 
 

Holiday

Striding along
no fear of the world
moving through crowds
cowl shaped
unseen
dancing in the sun.
Holidays are short and sweet
actually rarely taken
so the decision to make a day
moving through masses of humanity
ignoring
the violence
the hatred
the damaged souls
concentrating on the sun
sand
clean smell of the beach air.
Death strolls along
scythe in hand
sand between his toes
robe to be discarded
when he finds a place to laze his bones.
Sept. 28/19

Hey Boy

I sit

watching

as you bounce from here to there

wondering if you will ever stop.

You tire me out

with games

with solutions

with endless conversations

that make no sense.

I try so very very hard

to keep up with you

but tiny  puppy

so bright and cute

you are too energetic for me.

Photo by Josh Bean on Unsplash

Long Live the Resistance

Standing upon the podium

fist raised in triumph

that ghastly grin

upon the Goblin’s face

was more than I could bear.

Using cheap tricks

distraction

fear

he pulled the population over

the Goblin population

to his side.

Gritting my teeth

I watch and wonder

am I able to do this?

Knowing that death may ring out?

He begins to speak

a rambling monologue

which I detest.

How the lands were going to be good again

that the Goblins will seize the day

no longer will those wishy washy fairies have any say

as he has won for all of them.

I shake my head

squint my eyes

finger just touching the trigger

mid-word the Goblin is cut off.

Ariana what did you do?’

‘I told him to be succinct

I told him to keep it short

or I was going to cut him down.’

The Goblin dude

he stood there a long time

expounding

bragging

never realizing that his audience was gone.

P.S. We do have the tape of the Goblin making his speech to empty air. Dubbing can be a fun tool to have.

Photo by Matt Pritchard on Unsplash

Heart & Soul

Today’s episode of ‘Let’s see if Jay can keep her cool…..’ is brought to you by…..me!

It has been awhile (okay a long time) since I have given an update as to what is going on with me and T.

The end of the year was difficult for T and I. We had a lot of rough mornings, yelling and screaming and that was just me. He ranted and cried and refused to leave the house. We have to find a balance for next year as I am just so unprepared to deal with this. As well, he is going to soon out weigh me so it will be harder to push him out the door. 🙂 The last time we battled, I ended up grabbing him by the back of the neck and frog marching him into the bathroom. Than dragged him out by his arm. All while he screamed ‘stop hurting me, you’re hurting me.’ This lead to a serious discussion on the way to school let me tell you.

Now for braggy mom to come out. T sailed onto Grade 5. With flying colors. My son is a mostly A student with a couple of B’s thrown in there. The subjects that were the lower grades, well not the ones that he found to be all that enjoyable. What I need to enforce this summer is reading so that he will be going into Grade 5 on par with his peers.

Me time, me time! I have been doing awesome. I am happy. I am confident. Yes, no doubt there are days when I have a little let down but they never last long. I am setting goals for myself and although I have yet to begin working on a single one, I have them. Work is going so amazing.

Stepping down absolutely was the best thing that I could have done. I am not the same person at all. The person who worried. Who controlled. Who followed all the rules. She is gone. I am responsible for T and myself. No one else. Nothing else. I am way more relaxed. I am making changes, ones that are good for me. Exercising. Eating well. I am not sure how it could get any better. Well I can but that is a long conversation for another time.

Now let us fast forward to today’s episode on ‘Can Jay keep her cool?’

First Act: Regular customer is getting ready to pay for his groceries. Pays the same way all the time. I told him the total and hit debit and told him to go ahead and insert. He looked at me sheepishly and said: I’m sorry, I stuck it in too early.’ I bit my tongue so hard to keep from laughing out loud.

Second Act: A lady stops in front of the counter. I ask her how I can help her. This is the following conversation.

‘How can I help you today?’

‘I want a ticket.’

‘What type of ticket are you wanting?’

‘A scratch ticket.’

‘What type of scratch ticket?’

‘I guess they are all scratch tickets aren’t they?’

I could only stand and stare at her.

‘I think I will take a crossword because I like words.’

Third Act: Phone is ringing and I answer it. I do my spiel ‘Thank you for calling blah blah blah blah. How may I help you?’

‘I need a price check.’

‘Okay, on what?’

***To save on space and too boring I will give a synopsis.***

The customer had been in our store and made a purchase for her neighbor of cream. Now when she got home, there was no cream. But she paid for it. And the cashier had given her back change. $15-16. I check with the cashier and no, cream was not left behind. Ask customer if she has her receipt and am told no.

‘M’aam, maybe you were not even charged for it.’

‘But I was. I gave her a $20 and she gave me back change. I just need to know the price so I can charge my neighbor.’

‘But you don’t have the cream?’ (Yes I realize none of my business.)

‘But I paid for it and now she needs to pay me back,’

I go and check for her and come back to phone.

‘$3.99.’

‘Good so $4.00 I will charge her.’

She than hung up. Did not even ask me how we were going to fix this. Was so intent on getting her price that the fact she did not have the product seemed to have flown out the window. I would have loved to be a fly on that wall.

‘Yes Doris? You owe me $4.00.’

‘Where’s my cream?’

‘Well it never made it home with me. You still owe me $4.00 though for the cream.’

And so on and so forth. Shaking my head.

Act Four: Answering the phone, giving my spiel and realizing that a) there was no one there and b) the phone had not even rung. Thank goodness I have a great sense of humor with myself and laughed hard.

These are the type of days I have. They make great fodder for the imagination. Today’s though, they were too special to keep to myself. I love talking to people, and while there are those who would prefer to remain silent, the majority like to talk. Which leads me to this gem.

I was checking through a little old lady. She was about 90/92 I believe, she did tell me so that is how I know that it was in the 90’s. We were chatting away and I was explaining to her that sometimes I talk so much (shocker there) that I am not aware of what I am doing.

Case in point: I was chatting away with my customer and trying to scan a product. I kept moving it back and forth and finally looked down to see why I was not getting a beep. Well, it only works when you scan it with the laser, not over the deactivator. The customer and I roared.

By the time I was done, my little old lady was laughing so hard. I handed her back her change and wished her a good day.

She said to me: ‘You are good for my heart and soul. Thank you for making me laugh today.’

And that folks is how I am leaving it. I am good for the heart and soul.

How do I know?

Truth or dare
how do I know you like me?
Question and answer
I am sure you already know
so I smile naively.
Serious though
pensive
cannot figure out
what I see
what I want
when I have no need.
I said adios
to my lovers of the past
telling all
that it would be unfair.
Unfair of me to continue
to reach out
kept in the wings
as if already admitting defeat.
There is one way
that will tell you
exactly how I feel…..
I cleaned my car
vacuumed
dust wiped
all in case
you might see the inside.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
June 30/18
Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash