Amazing Day

I had a realization today. A rather awesome and fulfilling realization. I am happy and so much more stable than I was a mere eight weeks ago.

I had to work today.

Let me set the scene for you:

A grocery store.

The Saturday after being closed for Good Friday (in Canada Good Friday is a statutory holiday and businesses are closed. Restaurants, gas stations, small convenience stores can be open). As well it is not like there are not thirty million gatherings that are going to take place within the Good Friday to Easter Sunday days. And it isn’t as all those gatherings will not food because everyone will have brought something. And yet, when I opened the doors at 7 a.m. we had a steady stream of customers. At times the line ups were so long and tangled no one knew who was going where. Our customers were awesome, no one complained and we ran.

That being said, let us go back a few hours. I knew today was going to be insane so I had already decided to go into work a little early. Up at 5 at work by 5:40. Which was a good thing because the carts had all been moved from the lobby into the mall which meant I needed to move them back into the lobby. I looked at it shook my head and said to myself:

‘Jay-lyn Anne you can totally rock this.’

And I did.

Eight weeks ago, this would have killed me. I would have spun out, my brain frantically trying to shuffle the hundreds of things that I had to do within my allotted time period. I would have been near tears, while also raging and frothing at the mouth. Instead I looked around, counted the good things that happened this morning. Had an awesome sleep, bounced out of bed, the day was starting off warm and set to get warmer.  I hit all 6 green lights on the way to work and most importantly because I realized how far I have come.

Than my boss and I were talking. And as we walk away in opposite directions I turn around and call him back. Stamped my foot like a bloody pony to emphasize my point (do not even attempt to ask or understand because I don’t) and thanked him. I thanked him for not shunting me to the side and firing me. I thanked him for being brave enough to talk to me without really understanding. And he told me I was doing amazingly well. That staff had been commenting on how much happier I am. I thanked him for that too. And as we parted he said to me you are doing a great job keep it up.

I had customers today tell me that they always see me; moving at top speed and yet I always had a smile on my face and would stop for a chat. And how they appreciated that.

And I had another good thing to add to my list.

I love this feeling. I love having come through the shadows, of having allowed the demons that reside within so much control and I am the one now in control. I have no doubt that there may come a time when I have another depressive episode. But I will have this to look back on and I will know that happiness is possible. And I will fight and I will starve those demons of the fear and self worthlessness that they feed on, so my days become happier sooner.

 

And you say I am embarrassing?

When T was little, well littler than he is now and at 8 he is fast becoming not so little, he use to do things that I found to be rather embarrassing. Yelling in the store that he had to poop or giggling like a maniac because he just farted. All the things that little boys do to turn their mother’s faces red and wishing that the floor would open up and suck you into the depths. Let someone else claim this child as their monster.

Fast forward to a time when he is not even a teenager yet and the tables have turned.

I suppose that I could have kept quiet about this incident. However it is a cute story and the truth is it is just as embarrassing for me as it is for T.  For it either means that I have ears that are full of wax despite my cleaning them all the time or I am going deaf. In this instance I would hope deafness would account for this misunderstanding.

On Tuesday T had to go to his dad’s because our sitter had a funeral. I was able to leave work a half hour early otherwise the drive to and from his dad’s takes 40 minutes and we would not have been home until close to 7 p.m.  As we are driving along T is full of energy and happy yammering away to me about school and the things he learned when all of a sudden out of the blue I hear:

‘Mom I know what causes the most animal sex.’

I am on the highway doing 100 kms and I cannot take my eyes from the road. But I am slightly horrified as although we have discussed sex and baby making in humans in a general way, we have not discusses animal sex. Nor am I about to.  I glance over at him out of the corner of my eye and he seems to be not traumatized or disgusted but pleased with himself.

‘Buddy what did you just say?’

‘I know what causes the most animal sex!’

Now I am really flustered.

‘You know what causes the most animal sex?’

He looks over at me his eyes big and round. A look of absolute disgust on his face as though he cannot believe that I would dare to say this to him. Hello, this is your mother here I always am hearing things wrong!

‘Mom,  I said, I know what causes the most accidents!’

The two of us than shared a maniacal giggle as only mother and son can. We are strange ducks and admit it. And T is a great makerer upper of facts. In the summer he and mom had packed up my sandals so I wore my slippers to drive in. He informed me that 75% of all accidents (not animal sex) are caused by people who are wearing their slippers to drive. It sounded good, he could have fooled anyone with that one.

Just an FYI the following list is the cause of most accidents according to T:

  1. Drinking
  2. Texting
  3. Bad Brakes
  4. Deer
  5. Ice on the road.

Needless to say, he is brighter than I was at age 8. I was only concerned with dolls and books. Never had a concern about what was real. I lived in a world of fantasy and play. T while he does play cars and Minecraft and other video games, is a realist. And I am okay with that, we compliment each other. However, I really wish he would quit making up facts that sound real so I don’t look like a dumb ass when I repeat them.

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