And you say I am embarrassing?

When T was little, well littler than he is now and at 8 he is fast becoming not so little, he use to do things that I found to be rather embarrassing. Yelling in the store that he had to poop or giggling like a maniac because he just farted. All the things that little boys do to turn their mother’s faces red and wishing that the floor would open up and suck you into the depths. Let someone else claim this child as their monster.

Fast forward to a time when he is not even a teenager yet and the tables have turned.

I suppose that I could have kept quiet about this incident. However it is a cute story and the truth is it is just as embarrassing for me as it is for T.  For it either means that I have ears that are full of wax despite my cleaning them all the time or I am going deaf. In this instance I would hope deafness would account for this misunderstanding.

On Tuesday T had to go to his dad’s because our sitter had a funeral. I was able to leave work a half hour early otherwise the drive to and from his dad’s takes 40 minutes and we would not have been home until close to 7 p.m.  As we are driving along T is full of energy and happy yammering away to me about school and the things he learned when all of a sudden out of the blue I hear:

‘Mom I know what causes the most animal sex.’

I am on the highway doing 100 kms and I cannot take my eyes from the road. But I am slightly horrified as although we have discussed sex and baby making in humans in a general way, we have not discusses animal sex. Nor am I about to.  I glance over at him out of the corner of my eye and he seems to be not traumatized or disgusted but pleased with himself.

‘Buddy what did you just say?’

‘I know what causes the most animal sex!’

Now I am really flustered.

‘You know what causes the most animal sex?’

He looks over at me his eyes big and round. A look of absolute disgust on his face as though he cannot believe that I would dare to say this to him. Hello, this is your mother here I always am hearing things wrong!

‘Mom,  I said, I know what causes the most accidents!’

The two of us than shared a maniacal giggle as only mother and son can. We are strange ducks and admit it. And T is a great makerer upper of facts. In the summer he and mom had packed up my sandals so I wore my slippers to drive in. He informed me that 75% of all accidents (not animal sex) are caused by people who are wearing their slippers to drive. It sounded good, he could have fooled anyone with that one.

Just an FYI the following list is the cause of most accidents according to T:

  1. Drinking
  2. Texting
  3. Bad Brakes
  4. Deer
  5. Ice on the road.

Needless to say, he is brighter than I was at age 8. I was only concerned with dolls and books. Never had a concern about what was real. I lived in a world of fantasy and play. T while he does play cars and Minecraft and other video games, is a realist. And I am okay with that, we compliment each other. However, I really wish he would quit making up facts that sound real so I don’t look like a dumb ass when I repeat them.

My love affair…….

So all my life I have had a love affair with books. I love to read. My mom use to and now I have them, pictures of when I was potty training. I had a stack of books on one side and a bag of cookies on the other side of me. When I had the choice of watching t.v. or reading, I read. My favorite thing to do was go to the library. I use to walk to the library or take the bus and than walk home. Reading the newest book I could find.

I was most reluctant to get a Kindle. I mean I love the smell of books. New or old, the smell of the paper. Nothing is sweeter. Hearing the crack of the spine of a brand new book, nothing sounded more like a perfect hymn than that. The physical weight of the book in your hands. Books, books, books, my ex use to mock me.

I only broke down and bought myself a Kindle after my mom did. She raved about it so I cracked and got one. And I love it. I still love my books, but a Kindle. When I traveled down to Mexico to see my mom, I had this thin book that holds tons and tons of books. It did not add any weight to my luggage.

I began to purge. All my books. Really I gave them all to my sil and niece and nephews. I packaged up all my books and sent them on their way. I can still get them back. The fact remains though that I only kept my favorites. George R.R. Martin, J.V. Jones, Brent Weeks, Brandon Sanderson. Terry Pratchett. He and Brandon each have a whole shelf to themselves. I am sorry, I forgot to mention J. K. Rowling and Robin Hobb. I order the kindle version and print version as well.

Was recently having a conversation with a friend. We were discussing tenent insurance and how I really should get some.

‘Yes you are right. I mean it would be hard to replace all my books.’

‘Your books? Don’t you think that you should be more worried about getting a couch, a t.v. maybe a bed? Books do not need to be replaced right away. They can be gradually acquired.”

I looked at this person with an absolutely horrified look on my face.

‘We cannot see one another any more.’

The look on his face was priceless and I was joking but seriously!! What is wrong with you? Books are my passion. Words written down, stories told, they are so important to me. And to tell me that books can gradually be acquired.

I made the mistake of texting M about this. And she mocked me. She sided with him. She was going to tell him to flick his lighter next to my books. I would have killed him. First, I have an absolute fear of spontaneously combusting. Do I realize that is so unlikely to happen?  Yes I do. My ex flicked his lighter near me several times and earned a punch for his efforts. And now you are going to flick your Bic near my books? He didn’t because she woosed out. So she used it to taunt me today.

Eventually our conversation ended up with her mocking me and me going into the apartment. My plan was to go back to bed. I ended up sitting in front of the computer and playing games on Facebook. And as she was sitting on the front step, in between her door and mine she heard me lock my door.

‘I am going to break in and touch all your books.’ I hear her shout through the door.

I start to giggle and turn around. I stand at the bottom of my stairs. My door closed and locked.

‘You don’t have to break in, you have a key,’ I bellow back.

‘Huh, mumble mumble mumble,’ M mumbled. Not sure what that means.

I told the story to my CS girl and assistant manager today. My CS girl could absolutely not believe that he would say I could acquire books gradually. Like seriously, everyone knows how I feel about books and reading. My assistant manager said those are fighting words and he really does not know you.

I love reading. I love words. I love how I can combine them and make pictures with the prose I write. I love reading the stories that others want to share. Some I envy because I think I will never be good enough and some I believe are compatriots. I denied myself the joy of writing but I have never denied myself the joy of reading. For within those words I am able to lose myself.

 

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