Untitled Poem Daily Word #14

I am not even sure what to say.
I do not want to feel this way.
Believe me I am not trying to lay more on your plate
I honestly just need you to understand.
Love
trust
I believed in you
I wanted you
want you
when you told me you loved me
I wonder
did you mean true?
I cannot let the images go
tears
a constant pressure behind my eyes
all I want
is to be back in your arms.
Oh my god
I cannot stop
I cry every night
because I miss you so
whether or not you miss me
I still do not know.
At first I thought it was an obsession
but it is not
for images of you strike me
memories of us
lay me bare
I am sorry
I love you so
forgive me please
I am trying to let you go.
I do not want to.
I know I have to.
This intricate dance we do
one step forward
three back
is a seduction of the mind
of the senses.
Do you know
how little it would take
on your behalf
to make me stay?
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you……
I will miss you until the end.
January 16/19
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Untitled Relationship Poem #3

A blackness welling
pain
erupting
staggering
brings me to my knees.
I gaze back
through filmy gauze
tears forever falling
anguish forever welling
it hurts so much
memories stirred.
One drop
one memory
torrential downpour
flashes
better times
my heart
breaking in two.
How do I explain
the wretchedness enveloping me
when I wear a smile
never letting my pain near?
The core of my being
hollowed out
whittled away
empty
stolen love
gone
like yesterday.
I weep…..
I weep tears
night after night
soaking pillows
cry myself to sleep.
In my dreams
I find you 
still loving me
holding me
needing me.
Day’s break
pain settles over
bitter sweater
stitched with my tears
how do I learn
to let you go?
 
December 29/18

Sorry

I wonder as I lay here
why do I do this?
Allow hope to enter my heart
when I know true
you are gone from me.
Wishing
butterflies in the stomach
maybe
you do want?
As I do?
Never shall I say anything
my words
stuttered
shuttered
tripping over stunted tongue
drop my eyes
so you do not see
do not understand
this kills me.
I suppose this is good bye.
I want you to be happy.
Eventually
time will tell
scars
memories
everything
fading
no longer painful.
What I would give
to feel your arms once more
to see the light in your eyes
to feel safe……
I’m sorry.
December 19/18

Untitled Poem #3

***Please note this is not indicative of how I am feeling/going through.***
Jibber
Jabber
voices in my head
calling
screaming
flames flare
scorching
am I finally dead?
Wafting
fleeing
hiding
pain
so much pain
head pounding
bloody
I opened a vein.
Crimson spray
paint the walls
maroon
warmth slowly fades.
Slowly
ever so slowly
I slide down the wall
life ebbing away.
Tears
slow warmth
glides over softened cheeks
staring
eyes glazed
darkness encroaching
midnight hour comes…..
goes….
I am so lost.
December 11/18
Picture is one of my own taken Summer 2017

Darling Girl: Response to Open Love Letter

Response to:  Open Love Letter  
My darling girl….
you wrote to me
explaining you were scared
not certain
that what I felt was truthful
not actions and words
you felt manipulative.
I do not know who hurt you
who took you apart
made you to feel
that you were not enough.
I want to wrap my arms around
pull you close
feel the tension seep out
as you relax
deep breath
your body leaning into mine.
Your independence
a solid cloak
deflecting my gaze
you work so hard
to remain indifferent.
Your heart weeping
from fear.
Look into my eyes
do you see a lie?
I want you to fall….
fall into me
I want you ….
to trust.
My darling girl
I do so promise
I will not hurt you
blow away your fears
open your heart to mine please.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
June 22/18
Photo by TNK PHOTO on Unsplash

Open Love Letter

Dear __________:
Please do not hurt me.
You cannot know
how difficult it is to open my heart
to remove the chains that bind
allowing you in.
You cannot understand
how I ache for you to hold me
laying together
doing nothing more than talking
laughing.
You cannot realize
how afraid I am
how I analyze every word
every movement
so I can flee
when your interest dwindles.
Though I am changed
a woman of my present
not of my past
within
residual pain
residual fear
that I will be hurt again.
I take a deep breath
telling myself
you care.
I work to believe….
to hear the voice in my head
that reassures
that recounts
the acts you do to show me.
I try so hard…..
not to self-sabatoge
not to find ways to cause a break
I bite my lip
my heart skips a beat
please please don’t hurt me.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
June 21/18
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash