Restoration of Self

This poem has been inspired by Christine of Poetry for Healing.

Her Daily Haiku-Sat. October 5, 2019

I saw a young woman
standing beneath crystal falls
head back
eyes closed
cleansing herself of her past.
Dark
depression
anger so raw
ravaged her soul
tore her apart.
Year upon year
she abused herself
she took the drugs
she drank the booze
hiding from the truth
blade driven into her heart
time was coming
she needed to mend.
Suicide was not upon her mind
the night it came crashing down
all there was
a howling void
being fed
stop shrieking
stop raging
stop
stop
stop
stop
I can take it no longer.
Yes
for that is me
young
old
middle
I am all of that
and so much more.
Look into the mirror
see no longer shame
beautiful woman
you have grown.
Entwine
image old and new
behold
glorious woman
you are renewed.
I saw a young woman
she stood beneath the falls
washing away perceived sins.
Pushing back
long golden locks
I realized it was me.
Forgiveness is a place
deep deep inside
that is where to heal begins.
I grow
I love
I desire
a new life for me
one where I am strong.
©Oct. 5/19
Picture via Pinterest

Walking down Main St.

Today after walking T to school I chose to walk home down Main Street and than Brandt Street. These are the pictures that caught my eye. The picture of the all glass building and the feed factory are 2 blocks apart from one another. Only in my city.

The empty lot I swear that there use to be something there I just cannot remember what.

Waves

How do you describe a wave?
Water pushing and pulling. Dancing upon itself.  Folding.  Grasping the dappling sun, pulling it beneath the teal waters. Twisting and turning. Capturing and releasing. At its peak it rolls, curling under, ready to submit to itself.
I am having problems with my fiction writing. While it was flowing before now it seems to have dried up. So I thought that I would begin to write. Let the words flow from my mind to my fingers. It did not matter what I was writing, I needed to be writing.
I keep picturing the wave in my mind. Seeing it build and peak and crash back down. Or smooth out softly hitting the shore with barely a ripple.
When I was younger, I would go to the cabin with my amma. The dogs.  It was at Beaver Creek, now known as Beaver Creek Provincial Park. It is on Lake Winnipeg. I loved swimming when it was rough. Wading in, diving through the waves. Laying back and letting the water hold me, keeping me safe. I would ride the waves. Letting the water lift and lower me. The water was my friend, warm even if the day was gloomy and overcast. I have always loved the water, feeling protected and secure.
I miss being a little girl. I miss my amma. I miss my grandma and grandpa. I want a chance to do it all over again. I want the chance to make different choices. I want to fly. I want to dream. I want to live as though tomorrow has no consequences.
I know that this is not realistic. I am an adult, I have responsibilities. I have a life. A son. So going back is not an option for me. And besides all my choices have lead to me being here.
I have always felt strong emotions. Sadness. Fear. Love. Pain. Joy. Happiness. Anger. And I really never knew how to deal with them. I was unable to see that eventually they would pass and I would go back to it being alright. I did not know how to let go of those emotions. I hoarded them. All the hurt and pain, I shut it out. I never learned to navigate those emotional waters. How much has time changed. Now my main goal is making sure that T is able to do so.
That he is going to know that not everything is going to go the way that he wants it to. He will learn to weather the disappointments and let downs, knowing that they are not going to last forever. T will ride the wave better than I have.
Going forward when things get a little much for me, I will ride the waves. The anxiety, pain, fear, disappointment whatever it maybe, I will go up and crest. Than slowly come down the other side. Landing upon the shoreline. I will ride each wave. Secure in the knowledge that the waves can be swum, I no longer need to fear being submerged and drowned.

All signs point to…..

I had to run out this morning to grab a few items. Went to Canadian Tire. I have a spot removal machine and have been searching high and low for the cleaning liquid and Oxy boost liquid. Canadian Tire was my last resort. I needed a few other things too. Laundry detergent. A key cut. I headed off to the Automotive department to have the key cut where they no longer do this. I need to go to the Paint department. Needless to say each department is a store length apart. I was juggling the two liquid containers and the pack of Tide pods.
I am left handed. Being left handed means that I cannot draw a straight line. Now before all the left handers of the world revolt and start pitching the wronghanded scissors at me this is not a phenomenon that all left handers share. But it was the only excuse that my shop teacher was willing to accept when he could not figure out why, even with a T ruler, my lines were still crooked. Slanted. Which means that all the pictures in my house when hung together, are not artistically positioned that way, I am as inept at that as well.
I admire people whose homes are put together with color schemes. The cushions tieing into the drapery to the who knows what else. The ones who could paint murals on their walls. Free hand cute sayings on the walls. Me, I am not sure what you would call my style. I mean I only got a real bed frame the summer of 2016. For several months my mattress was on the floor. Got an actual comforter set, matching, for my birthday this year. That is it though. I am a comfort person. Clothes. How I live. What I eat. I am ecclectic I guess one would say. Both with my style and my personality.
That being said let’s get back to Canadian Tire. I am heading towards the Paint deparment when suddenly right there, in my path is a roundy round display stand with sayings on it. Usually I would breeze by. These are the type of things that are going to be the individual letters and like hell I can make them straight on the wall. But than I glanced down and ‘If you can dream it you can do it’ pops up at me. Hmmmmmmmm okay so like the candle telling me that I am worthy of my dreams here is another nudge. I pick up the package and flip it over, figuring that I could make it work somehow. Imagine how delighted I was to discover they are peel and stick. And only $2. Grabbed it and stepped back.
My eyes fell on the next one. ‘Change your thoughts and you Change your World’. Wow, that was all I could think. Of course I had to pick that one up as well.
When I got home, the first thing I did was peel and stick. The Dream is on the bathroom mirror. So that every time I am in there I will see it and read it. It is a mantra for me to follow. And I am in the bathroom often, our washer and dryer are also in there. Change is above the computer. I sit facing it on the couch. Every time I lift my eyes I see it and read it. And cry.
I don’t know why I am crying. I am happy. I am slowly getting myself ready to go back to work. T and me, we are working at building our relationship stronger and closer. I myself am getting stronger.  My mental health is good and I know what I must do to maintain it.
The universe is obviously trying its damndest to tell me something. And I am going to listen.20180312_1106061684248282.jpg

Heartless Love

Nuanced
the words we speak
the dance we flow through
shades of emotions
that tumble about.
Delicate
this thread that binds
steel wrapped in velvet
so that the chains
chafe not our skin.
Afraid
unwilling to surrender
these contested wills
bruised eyes flashing
as once more we attack.
Vicious
words that sting
barbs that hook and tear
flesh torn asunder
wounds never stitched
left gaping
breathless gasps
as we lay panting.
Thieves of love
honor and faith
a warped notion of pleasure
pain that sticks
never ending
a cycle of disrepute.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Feb. 17/18

Him

I see you looking
when you think I am not;
side glances
beneath your lashes.
I see you wanting,
needing the comfort I provide.
Yet I do not know
how to offer it without offense.
I see you needing
the love that I hide
because I am not sure
that what I feel is right.
You appear so strong,
so able.
And I know that you want to appear
as though it is easy.
I know how much you struggle.
I know how much you care.
I know how much you long
for that someone to hold you,
to tell you that things will work themselves out.
I want to be him.
I want to hold you tight.
I want to hold you close……
I want to melt winter’s embrace.
 ©Jay-lyn Doerksen
November 7/17

Lost

***Inspiration for this came out of a conversation with a friend who had sent my the lyrics to the song that ends Pink Floyd’s The Wall. I have never listened to it, well I have but never paid attention to the lyrics. As we messaged back and forth and the album was explained to me the words just began to flow.***

I once was a woman who was lost

stumbling through the darkness

wrapped in shadows and vines

unable to break free from the morass.

Paths shrouded in mystery

pain, despair, hunger and thirst

as I clawed my way forward

thorns scratching at my sides.

A crown of brambles sits low upon my brow

pricking the fine skin

trails of blood smear along my face

tears that I can no longer cry.

When sunlight does finally appear

driving away the gloom

the fog

the malaise I have suffered

I gasp in the clean fresh air

and am healed again.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

September 24/17