To Be Counted…..

Twisted
dark gloom
shadows gather in corners
tears shed
become rambling roses
thorns jabbing
blood welling
it has all come again.
Circle upon circle
hell upon hell
looking with desperation
screaming with terror
there is no way out
no steps
no chinks in the wall
stand
looking up
wanting to be there
no here…..
in the depths of misery
in the depths of pain
in the depths of self-hatred.
Body used to tempt
drugs to defend
alcohol to bury the memories
driving myself forward
to forget a past
to forget the tortures I faced.
Falling
falling
falling
heart racing
tears falling
non-stop
cannot see
I only know I need this hurting to stop.
Looking back today
upon the journey I have taken
the road that I am still moving forward on
the emotions I feel
allow myself to feel
accepting help from others
accepting that I am important
accepting that I am worthy of love.
The steps taken
long since 
I have stopped counting.
I continue to move along this life of mine
only now
I can enjoy this trip I am on.
©Feb. 2/20
Picture is my own

Tranquil Fluidity

Wind whipped hair
waves cresting
slamming into the shore
spumes spraying
soaking my toes.
I can no longer go on
can no longer cheer
I am so tired
I am so alone
I am so……
scared.
Embarking upon a journey
into heart
into health
into self
unsure what I am going to find
who I am going to find
only know that I must go on
discover what I may
about this strange woman I see in the mirror.
A smarter
stronger
resilient woman
one who cries at movies
one who laughs with no regard
as to how others are going to see her.
No longer am I an errant child
unable to see my way.
I reach out
tentative at first
with growing confidence
taking hold of my dreams
taking charge of my destiny.
No longer do demons chew
upon my nightmares
spewing black
vile poison
seeping into my pores
burning through my senses.
I found freedom.
I found my truth.
I found forgiveness.
I found peace. 
©August 28/19
Picture is mine.
Matlock Beach 2019

Outsider

‘Hear ye
hear ye
it seems to be 
an outsider
writhing amongst our midst.
Sowing discord
loss
desire
in all whose path she crosses.’
I stood in with the crowd
cowled head
bent to hide the blues
the greens
the halos of my eyes.
No more did I wonder
when I heard these oracles
these leaders
decry the one who does not belong.
I knew it was me.
Cruel beasties
tied to my side
tethered
chained
beholden to do my bidding
as long as I was here
in this place
in this time.
Madman
madder than he was before
rending his clothing
his flesh
screaming of the one who does not exist.
Oooooohhhhhhh
I no longer exist
which means that there……
there are no consequences for acts done.
No need to not try to change
disrupt
agitate
the populous so trodden down
losing hope
beaten
to rise above their pious Lordlings
toss them down
erase them from this life?
Am I truly evil?
Am I Danger?
Have I fallen off the wayside?
Am I truly Lost?
Or am I retribution?
Off with their heads
no cake for the wicked
soon I shall cast off this cowl
making myself known.
Down and down
the Rabbit’s Hole I fall
each level
a new experience
tying me to this place.
 
January 10/19
Photo by Viktor Forgacs on Unsplash

Lost

‘I was lost
but now I am free’
shrieked the madman
hiding behind the tree.
Hair matted
gimlet eyes
screeching about end times.
I have watched him.
His mathematics
calculations
ruminations
formulas only he understands
as he tries so hard to discover
the date of the last day
when the world shall die.
Since I fell down the Rabbit Hole
I have seen…..
Many a breathtaking wonder.
Many a fascinating strange thing.
Many a wicked frightening thing.
None of which
captured my attention
like the madman.
Sitting upon desert sands
blown upon grass so green
I watch
waiting
wondering what shall be.
‘You are the menace.
You are the demon.
You are the downfall of all men.’
I looked around
wondering
to whom he spoke.
It was I.
None other dared to be close
save for myself
the very malodor of him
a tangible taste upon the tongue.
I waggled my fingers
a sardonic grin
twisting my lips
as he stood
imploring
begging
beseeching
help to arrive
to defend him from the She-Demon.
The one who did not belong.
January 8/19

Choices

This is a continuation of River Styx, Desert Red, Waste/Safe Land, Harlequin and My Knight.
We travelled
mostly in silence
chirps of birds
chittering of squirrels
sometimes the only sound I heard.
I sensed
felt
knew
that somehow I disappointed
this gentle giant.
I did not know how
nor what I could do
to rectify my mistakes.
We avoided cities
towns
any sign of civilization
until the abuse done to me
physical abuse
had healed.
The scars on my mind
woke me
screaming in the night
from nightmares
where Harlequin still ruled.
He began to train me.
Sword.
Knife.
Skulking.
Shadow hopping.
Every conceiveable way
I could now
protect myself from harm.
I woke one morning
to find him gone
disappeared
into the mists of my past.
I walked alone
ruing my mentor‘s departure
for I still did not know……
where I was?
who I was?
what journey
what choices must I make?
Sept. 18/18
Photo by Anders Nord on Unsplash

Harlequin

***This poem is a continuation from River Styx, Desert Red and Waste/Safe Land
Peddler man
left me at the edge of the grassland
indicating
I was to meet the next guardian
through my travels
in this blindingly green world.
Abraded
flesh
soul
reborn
my heart was light
joyous even
as I followed the path.
I saw them before they saw me.
Soldiers gleaming gold
in burnished armour.
Squinting I move forward
to find myself surrounded
by men with pikes
with swords
desperation vivid on their faces
as they took me into custody.
Forced to kneel
before the Harlequin
believing
he was to be my next guide
I was caged
jailed
forgotten
for a small time.
Imperious Harlequin
an intricate dance for two
chained by his side
I sink into disrepair.
Sept. 16/17
Photo by elen aivali on Unsplash

Waste/Safe Land

***This poem is a continuation from River Styx and Desert Red
Travelling the desert
a hundred days
I felt sand
scouring
flaying
devouring
flesh from my bones
molding
forming
another me.
Peddlar man
quiet
plodding along
but inherently
seeking oasis after oasis
as I needed rest.
he refused to answer
any
all
cajoling
questions.
Shaking his head
not in annoyance
more like a parent indulging their child.
We crested that last sandhill
my mouth fell open
a silent o
as before us
spread out
a verdant sea
tears spilling down my face.
Sept. 15/18
Photo by Robert Lukeman on Unsplash