To Be Counted…..

Twisted
dark gloom
shadows gather in corners
tears shed
become rambling roses
thorns jabbing
blood welling
it has all come again.
Circle upon circle
hell upon hell
looking with desperation
screaming with terror
there is no way out
no steps
no chinks in the wall
stand
looking up
wanting to be there
no here…..
in the depths of misery
in the depths of pain
in the depths of self-hatred.
Body used to tempt
drugs to defend
alcohol to bury the memories
driving myself forward
to forget a past
to forget the tortures I faced.
Falling
falling
falling
heart racing
tears falling
non-stop
cannot see
I only know I need this hurting to stop.
Looking back today
upon the journey I have taken
the road that I am still moving forward on
the emotions I feel
allow myself to feel
accepting help from others
accepting that I am important
accepting that I am worthy of love.
The steps taken
long since 
I have stopped counting.
I continue to move along this life of mine
only now
I can enjoy this trip I am on.
©Feb. 2/20
Picture is my own

Tranquil Fluidity

Wind whipped hair
waves cresting
slamming into the shore
spumes spraying
soaking my toes.
I can no longer go on
can no longer cheer
I am so tired
I am so alone
I am so……
scared.
Embarking upon a journey
into heart
into health
into self
unsure what I am going to find
who I am going to find
only know that I must go on
discover what I may
about this strange woman I see in the mirror.
A smarter
stronger
resilient woman
one who cries at movies
one who laughs with no regard
as to how others are going to see her.
No longer am I an errant child
unable to see my way.
I reach out
tentative at first
with growing confidence
taking hold of my dreams
taking charge of my destiny.
No longer do demons chew
upon my nightmares
spewing black
vile poison
seeping into my pores
burning through my senses.
I found freedom.
I found my truth.
I found forgiveness.
I found peace. 
©August 28/19
Picture is mine.
Matlock Beach 2019