rippling and folding
into every part of me.
chains of horror
around my soul.
my bemused mind
as I let go.
I now understand the root of my addiction.
I feel too much. I love too much. I give too much.
And when it falls,
when beneath the burden of my too muchness
that backlash of pain is overwhelming.
I recall now
the tears, the rage, the everything
that comes from this all absorbing pain of…..
Not being enough.
Not believing enough.
From loving too much.
From giving everything.
From my own fantasies.
Silly girl that I can be.
Yet as I stand within this maelstrom of sorrow
I begin to understand my strength.
I do love.
I do give.
I do feel.
I do not need to hide from these emotions.
For within them is the true me
the girl who still dances with butterflies
and loves with all her heart.
The woman who can finally accept
the joy that comes from giving her all
rather than fights it.
A while back I wrote about how my ex and me were getting along and I realized how much I had matured. Well today I took that one step further. Today I looked passed the man who made me unhappy and spoke to my friend.
This is a man who at one point and time I loved. It is not his fault nor is it mine that in the end we just were not happy together. We are such very different people with little in common.
Today was the first time that we had a conversation in a long time. And we both laughed. Not the fake ‘yeah get out of my face you are annoying me’ laugh but a real laugh. One that sets the other to laughing.
We also still have inside jokes and can say things to one another that we are unable to say to anyone else. There have been a few times, where I have been spitting mad and the only one I can vent to is him.
In talking with a girl friend today, she informed me that I was taking the mature route with him. All I had said was his girlfriend was good for him.
And I no longer had to take care of him.
This man is helpless as a baby attempting to organize a tea party. I sent him numerous texts regarding the dates he had T over the summer. I also sent him several screen shots of my calender so he had it. Finally his girlfriend messaged me asking what the dates were.
That is only one example.
I can afford to be nice and decent to him. I am happy and in a great place in my life. And I really am working hard to let go of negativity.
It was easy to be angry with my ex when I left. I was blaming him for my unhappiness. Which really is unfair because I had a hand in my own unhappiness. I could have stood firm when I tried to leave three months prior to everything imploding.
Now though…I am in my own space. I am writing daily. My relationship with my son and mom are amazing.
So yes, I can afford to be kind with M2. And I even like his girlfriend even though we have not really spoken. But she is excellent with T and that more than anything makes me like K3.(Lol too many K’s- best friend, Auntie and now M2’s girl friend. M1 being my bestie.)
M2 loves T with all his heart. And at the end of the day that is all that is important. He is doing his best to be a great dad. Our failure to make our marriage last aside he will always be my friend.