And you say I am embarrassing?

When T was little, well littler than he is now and at 8 he is fast becoming not so little, he use to do things that I found to be rather embarrassing. Yelling in the store that he had to poop or giggling like a maniac because he just farted. All the things that little boys do to turn their mother’s faces red and wishing that the floor would open up and suck you into the depths. Let someone else claim this child as their monster.

Fast forward to a time when he is not even a teenager yet and the tables have turned.

I suppose that I could have kept quiet about this incident. However it is a cute story and the truth is it is just as embarrassing for me as it is for T.  For it either means that I have ears that are full of wax despite my cleaning them all the time or I am going deaf. In this instance I would hope deafness would account for this misunderstanding.

On Tuesday T had to go to his dad’s because our sitter had a funeral. I was able to leave work a half hour early otherwise the drive to and from his dad’s takes 40 minutes and we would not have been home until close to 7 p.m.  As we are driving along T is full of energy and happy yammering away to me about school and the things he learned when all of a sudden out of the blue I hear:

‘Mom I know what causes the most animal sex.’

I am on the highway doing 100 kms and I cannot take my eyes from the road. But I am slightly horrified as although we have discussed sex and baby making in humans in a general way, we have not discusses animal sex. Nor am I about to.  I glance over at him out of the corner of my eye and he seems to be not traumatized or disgusted but pleased with himself.

‘Buddy what did you just say?’

‘I know what causes the most animal sex!’

Now I am really flustered.

‘You know what causes the most animal sex?’

He looks over at me his eyes big and round. A look of absolute disgust on his face as though he cannot believe that I would dare to say this to him. Hello, this is your mother here I always am hearing things wrong!

‘Mom,  I said, I know what causes the most accidents!’

The two of us than shared a maniacal giggle as only mother and son can. We are strange ducks and admit it. And T is a great makerer upper of facts. In the summer he and mom had packed up my sandals so I wore my slippers to drive in. He informed me that 75% of all accidents (not animal sex) are caused by people who are wearing their slippers to drive. It sounded good, he could have fooled anyone with that one.

Just an FYI the following list is the cause of most accidents according to T:

  1. Drinking
  2. Texting
  3. Bad Brakes
  4. Deer
  5. Ice on the road.

Needless to say, he is brighter than I was at age 8. I was only concerned with dolls and books. Never had a concern about what was real. I lived in a world of fantasy and play. T while he does play cars and Minecraft and other video games, is a realist. And I am okay with that, we compliment each other. However, I really wish he would quit making up facts that sound real so I don’t look like a dumb ass when I repeat them.

It is a Conspiracy

M and me we text each other a lot. One full day of messages cannot be stored and I have the capacity to store 500 messages before they start to delete. Maybe we are a little excessive but our shifts are all over the place and some weeks we can go without laying eyes on one another at all. Despite the fact that we live right next door to one another.

Last week M was having issues with her phone. Not that she doesn’t always have issues with her phone but last week it seemed that her phone was really out to get her. Not receiving messages until hours later. And than just for the hell of it my phone decided to jump in on the fun of screwing with M.

My original text was at 8:03 a.m. M responded at 8:49

‘Stupid phone! I am just getting your messages and you sent them hours ago!’

‘I sent that message at 21st.’

‘What? The 21st today is the 23rd!’

Now I am starting to giggle. Sitting in my car in the parking lot at work.

‘No, I sent it at 8:03 this morning. My phone is just ducking with you!’

‘Wait I mean fucking lmao.’

‘What the hell is going on here? Our conversations never make any sense!’

‘Not to anyone else but they do to us.’

By this time, I am weeping I was laughing so hard. And that was when I posed the question: Do you think that it is an electronic conspiracy between our phones to ensure that we look as dumb as possible?

Believe me, my phone has it in for me. When my keyboard use to be set for english/french spelling, I would often send out half english and half french messages that made absolutely no sense. One friend I text, my text read that I had give our boss a disease. Obviously so untrue. Another time, M got a text about gold and cats. So I am certain that my phone loves to embarrass me. I discovered that I could turn off the french on the keyboard and just have english but that has not solved the problem of random corrections or anticipation of what I am writing.

Last night it all came home for me that my phone may have a warped sense of humor like I do. I was typing in ‘we were’ to M and it changed the whole sentence to ‘We are evil’. We are evil, that is what my phone thinks. After that, I decided that my phone was just being mean, and put it to bed.

There is nothing better than autocorrect/auto fill in when you are in a hurry. Unless your phone has its own personality and likes to screw with you. Like mine and M’s do. However this is okay, because it means that our days are filled with a lot of huh? what was that? and laughter which everyone needs anyways. The laughter part, not the evil intents of the phone to make us look like the village idiots that we are.