I could have Cried

I was not going to put a warning here but do not want to kill off my male readers with shock.

I discuss female anatomy.

I give it a personality.

If easily offended just skip that paragraph.

Otherwise enjoy.

216 days.

7 months and 6 days sober.

Gonna admit that my coffee intake has tripled since quitting but that is neither here nor there.

But not feeling like death warmed over?

Not remembering what time I fell into bed?

And did I do something embarrassing?

I was a shit mom when I was drinking.

I mean I joked with him and laughed but I was not present with him.

It kills me when I think of it.

Which I don’t do often.

Not because I am weak but because T and I have made our peace.

But when I do think about it I cringe and hate myself all over again.

I say again because I spent many years hating myself.

I took pills and drank to get away from me.

Now I am me.

No pills.

No booze.

Just little old me.

And I can hate my behaviour.

Ha that came to me as I was typing.

In re to ‘the hating myself again’ that is wrong it is the behaviour I hated.

I have changed the behaviour.

Today was the day.

Went in for the lovely ladies day at the doctor’s.

Which included getting my liver function tested.

I had the blood work taken last Thursday.

Everything checked.

And because I had quit drinking the liver test.

I kept telling myself that if something was seriously wrong I would have heard already.

If I was dying they would not let me come alone to the office would they?

I was scared.

I not only drank heavily but took Tylenol 1’s for a very long time.

With alcohol.

Without.

So while not dwelling on my results I have gone with the no news is good news adage.

Half an hour late into my appointment and I had been sitting in the little naked gown we all get.

On my phone texting.

What else do you do in the exam room while waiting these days?

You text people and tell them you are naked!

Like they really want to know but it is fun for me.

Lots of different responses to that one.

Finally in comes my doctor.

We have not had a face to face in nearly 3 years.

He has gone grey on the back of his head.

And as I sit there we go over my list of things I wanted looked at/discussed.

And the blood work.

Cholesterol level is a little bit high.

But there is really nothing I can do because it is the good cholesterol.

It is the high one.

Hemoglobin is good.

Liver numbers are a little high but in the normal range.

And as long as I continue to not drink it will heal.

Went through the other end of it too.

Ladies the legs in the air time.

Well apparently my cervix wandered.

Who the hell thought their cervix would just up and decide to vanish?

Finally found turns out she was feeling a little shy.

I came home and it wasn’t until I was standing in the living room that it hit me.

A wave of relief that lead to tears.

I had figuratively been holding my breath.

I had done so much damage to my liver how could it be anything but not great?

To hear that I was good well here come the tears a bit as I write.

Every day I move forward I realize that there is so much more I need to live.

There is so much more that I need to learn.

There is so much more that I need to teach.

That I want to teach.

Once I have learned it.

Which will be never because no one masters life.

We grow and learn.

Forever changing.

That my friends I think is what life is.

Have a great weekend everyone.

This is what T and I had for brunch today. Chocolate and Almond Granola with Extra Creamy Vanilla Bean Yogurt (13% protein) and strawberries.

Awesome that is all I am going to say.

©Feb. 19/21

Photos are my own

When it comes down to it…..

I am a pretty lackadaisy mom.

I parent like I teach.

Hands on experience is the only way to learn.

Granted I am not going to allow him to blow himself or others up but I also do not hover over top of him.

He has interests that I don’t understand.

But that is okay because although he is a mini me in the male form he is also himself.

However this passed week we had two defining moments.

On Wednesday after the windshield wiper debacle I came home to garbage not taken out.

I had been hounding and hounding and hounding.

And I lost it.

Dishes still in the sink and dish rack.

There was a moment of rage.

I grabbed the garbage and stormed out.

Actually this is not true.

First I railed at him about the garbage not being taken down.

Screeched when I realize I have forgotten drink and go stomping over to Co-op.

I am sitting here trying to think of an apt description of how I sounded but I cannot.

A mom screech though is a horrifying thing to hear.

I walk back into the apartment and the first thing I see is the garbage…..still at the bottom of the stairs.

Me: Are you not going to take the garbage down?

T(turning towards me still in shorts with a plate in one hand and a chicken drumstick in the other): Huh?

Me: Forget it. Just forget it. I will take the garbage down.

I came back in and I poured a cup of coffee.

Sat on the couch.

I no longer wanted to eat.

I was frustrated.

I was annoyed.

Thursday and for the rest of the weekend T was responsible.

On Thursday he did the grocery shopping.

Stayed well within budget.

Better than me anyways.

Although he attempted to switch the brand of cat litter because the Arm & Hammer was cheaper.

I sent him back for the right stuff.

He made dinner on Thursday.

I came home Friday and the tasks I had set him to were done.

I was feeling good.

He had heard.

I did not yell.

I did not scream.

I talked loudly.

Something that I should be very proud of.

I come from a family of yellers.

The louder you yell the more you win.

Yeah no.

No one hears a damn thing when you yell.

Fast forward to last night and my discovering that he did not do his school work on Friday.

During the time he was suppose to be in class.

He had given himself the day off.

He did not have to go to school on Saturday so why do the work when he had all weekend to do it?

I asked if a babysitter was required.

Absolutely not.

A babysitter would be such a waste of money.

Why did he need a babysitter.

We went back and forth.

T’s argument came down to had it been Wednesday he would have done his work.

Because he had school on Thursday.

But he had all weekend after Friday.

My argument came down to he had five hours structured from 9-2 to do his school work.

From 11-1 he has a break.

1-2 class/workbook done.

He does not get to just give himself the day off.

That was irresponsible of him.

Were he is school in class he would have been doing the work there would have been no giving himself the day off.

It is going to be a couple of days before I see any benefits from last night’s conversation.

He is still annoyed with me.

I am being so mean making him get up and have a shower.

He snapped at me.

Also he is not a morning person.

Unless he has gone to bed at a decent time.

By which I mean 9 p.m. instead of 10-10:15.

I think that I threw the word irresponsible again when I woke up at 10:15 thought that it was after midnight and he was still up.

I was peering at the kitchen clock on the stove.

No glasses.

I know that we are not always going to see eye to eye.

I know that T thinks I am being so hard on him.

I am giving him a lot of leeway in allowing him to stay home unsupervised.

And it is because I do trust that he is going to do what he has to do.

But when he pulls a stunt like this I will reign down upon him the wrath of mom.

When I was younger I had a wicked temper.

I remember mom once describing me and my temper like this:

She is like a machine gun and her words are her bullets.

She sprays them all around and when done drops the gun and wakes away.

Now I am like that when talking to T about how he has disappointed me.

Not in that I am spraying things wildly.

In that once I have made my statements I am done.

There are no more discussions.

He is showering now and I am getting ready to go start the car.

Winter temps have finally come home.

-25 C (-13 F)

Real Feel: -34 C (-29.2 F)

Tonight’s low before wind is going to be -36 C or -32.8 F.

I am hoping/thinking that with temps like these I may be busier as who wants to go out and shop if they can have it done for them.

All that they need to do is come and get it.

We will see.

Have a marvelous Monday all.

©Jan. 25/21

Picture is my own