I Don’t Know?

Before reading grab yourself a drink. It is long one today. Well longer than some have been of late. 🙂
I am totally not sure what to write about.
Several things happened yesterday that made things right.
I am passive aggressive.
I totally admit and own it.
And I am good at it too.
Not bragging I mean it is not anything to be proud of but every so often to get a point across I turn it on.
Two of my co-workers who I almost told to fuck off knew I was annoyed with them yesterday.
One went out of his way to avoid me because he knew.
The other one kept trying to talk to me.
Joke with me.
I just looked at him and barely replied.
I was passed being mad yesterday with them.
This is who they are and I have to accept it.
Then my first delivery arrives for pick up at 10 a.m.
I go barrelling out the door and nearly rammed into a truck parked there.
That is right there was a line of trucks going from my door down to passed the door they actually were working in and than there was my customer.
I was so ticked off not that I had to walk but this was an inconvenience for my customer.
Also with regards to the truck if I had hit it c’est la vie.
They had been talked to.
They knew that I use this door.
Your ignorance does not warrant my care.
My customer gets out of his vehicle to talk to me as I loaded his groceries.
Usually his wife picks up but for the 2nd week in row she has been under the weather.
They are not certain what is up.
She feels good and than not so good.
I sent along her favorite triple chocolate cookies and a get well note.
He tried to tip me.
I said no thank you.
He tried again saying that I was doing so much for them.
I smiled and said thank you.
When I went inside I decided that I was going to change my large dolly for a smaller one.
The tall one was a little unwieldy for me through the aisles with all the people.
Yesterday was 10% Tuesday Customer Appreciation Day.
1st Tuesday of every month.
I walked to where the carts were and passed three boxes of oranges on the floor.
My co-worker came up and I asked if I could swap carts.
He said sure.
Me: OMG I am so sorry. Good morning. How are you this morning? Here I am just barging on through.
CW: Actually even though my oranges are on the floor I feel pretty great.
Me (lighting up): Thank you. You totally made me feel better.
He is someone who usually looks at things a little negatively when they do not go well.
Everyone knows my feelings on masks.
However there are also exemptions.
Shopping down aisle 3.
Customer coming towards me is maskless but I recognize her.
The first day it became mandatory to wear masks she came into the store.
I stopped her and reminded her about the mask policy and she said she was exempt.
Her back was up.
I smiled and said no worries have a great day.
A customer behind me passes and stops.
C1: You don’t have to wear a mask?
C2: No I do not.
C1: Why not?
C2: That is none of your business.
C1 (walking away): Because you think you are better than the rest of us.
I was appalled and spent a few minutes talking with her.
She is a dedicated shopper and I suggested to her what another customer had done-getting a button made up to wear saying I am exempt.
99% of people are good to her she told me it is the 1%.
Customer: Had I parked sideways in a parking spot he is the type of person who come over and complain to me. I have thicker skin than that.
Never thought about it that way.
And last but not least I was so excited to receive a specific order yesterday.
I wrote how I was losing one of my customers.
They were moving to the city and I had misunderstood I suppose about which week was their last week.
There had been no order last week and I was sad.
I had wanted to say thank you for being a dedicated curbside shopper.
Yesterday there was an order.
I was able to get coconut macaroons for her and a deep chocolate brownie slice for him.
And a little note to say thank you.
Yesterday I learned some lessons.
In that people are good and kind.
As customer #2 said: Good people are always good people. 
That I can act childishly at times.
But at the end of the day I laid my head down and slept the sleep of a woman who had put in a good hard day.
And dreamed about one of y’all having these wicked watering cans that I so wanted.
I do not know who it was.
I do not know what was so great about your watering can.
But I will find you and your cans and they shall be mine!
©May 5/21
Picture is my own. .

Coffee Time or Grab a Cuppa

I am pretty funny.
Or rather I think that I am funny.
T not so much so.
He even mentioned to me that much as I thought he was not funny well he did not think I was funny.
How can that be possible?
Everyone thinks I am funny.
Or maybe it is in the delivery?
In the honesty of it?
And how a lot of times I am poking fun at myself?
The other day I was talking with my supervisor at work (K) about how I was an extra body.
Me: So today I am pretty much an extra body.
Well not pretty but an extra body none the less.
K: Sputters to laughter.
I do not even think these things they just fly out of the mouth.
Me to a customer: First day out?
C: Blinks: How did you know?
Me: I can always spot a fellow inmate.
Roars with laughter.
I do not take myself seriously at all.
I use to but no more.
And I am accepting my faults and working on them.
You must be wondering where I am going with this all.
No where I am just going to talk.
So grab a coffee take a seat and prepare to be wowed.
Okay maybe not wowed but I can chatter a bit and share something.
There is a young woman who is a supervisor.
She was a choice that I had interviewed and I really felt that she was not right for the position.
I made an error in judgement and mentioned it to someone and it got back to her.
She went crying to management that I was not giving her a fair shot.
I had a mini kaboom shortly thereafter and she was promoted while I was on leave.
This was 6 years ago.
I am not the mean bitch that I use to be.
I demanded perfection.
Things were to be done my way because it was fast and efficient.
I was a horror show I am sure.
But that was past me.
Present me is much more different.
Present me is laid back.
I get annoyed and upset but I am working very hard to not allow it to chew me up inside.
I practice dealing with what is bothering me and letting it go.
When I have to work with this young lady either as a cashier or in my capacity in curbside I get tense.
She bleeds anxiety.
She snarks at me a lot.
For most part I let it wash over me.
But now she is beginning to interfer with my hard won serenity.
My peace.
Tuesday was a busy day for me.
Plus I was back after being off for several days due to the elbow.
When I came into work there were five orders that had come in the day before which she had done no work on.
And when I asked her why she told me that I was going to be mad at her either way so it was better not to do it.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I have been off with a bum elbow.
I would have greatly appreciated her having done the work for me.
Pick the dry goods and leave the fresh items until the next day.
And I am 48 damn years old I do not need to spend my time being mad at someone for helping me out.
Pause for the eye roll.
coffee time
I was telling this to K on Friday when she mentions that the other supervisor had discussed it with her.
I was so upset I almost burst into tears.
Not because I was sad and hurt.
No because I was so damn angry.
I have not been that enraged in a long time.
Enough was enough
Lesson time for me here.
Where in the past I would have mulled and chewed and allowed her to get under my skin I reacted differently.
I was angry.
I made a decision to talk to my manager.
And that was it.
When he came in I went and talked to him.
Told him that she was stressing me out.
That I had even gone to each supervisor at one point and apologized to them when she was having one of her power binges.
If I was ever that bad I am surprised they did not band together and dispose of me.
I had muttered about killing her one day and he heard me.
Realizing that this is serious he is going to be talking to her.
Whether she calms down or just no longer works curbside I don’t know but I do know that I cannot work in direct contact with her any longer.
Also I am on day 205 of my sobriety.
I was drinking very hard in the summer of 2018.
Very hard.
And I was not a good mom.
I put a man before my child.
Flash forward to now not drinking.
And I keep having images of that summer.
Which was driving me nuts as I was so far passed missing that man I could not figure it out.
Until I did.
T came home and I asked him to come sit with me on the couch.
Pretty sure he thought he was in trouble but he wasn’t.
Me: T I want to apologize to you. In summer of 2018 I was not a good mom. Not a good mom at all. And you did not deserve that. I am so sorry buddy.
T: What are you talking about?
Me: When I was with J and drinking so much.
T: I don’t even remember that mom.
I cried.
He shook his head and wandered off.
And now those flashes of memories no longer come.
I am only remembering so I can mention it.
Well I think I have caught everyone up on the wonderful and wacky world that I live in.
I need to run out and start the car.
As you can see brutal cold.
Have a fabulous and warm Monday all.
©Feb. 8/21
Pictures are my own.
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