An Old Dog Can Learn New Tricks

Things have been happening.

Changes.

In me.

I feel…..believe me this is going to sound weird…..but I feel enlightened.

Yesterday towards the end of my shift my manager asked me to come and see him and the DM before I left. And the first words out of my mouth were ‘have I done something wrong?’

This here is huge in and of itself…..until typing that I did not realize that I did not ask if I was in trouble but if I had done something wrong.

This step is secondary to the first.

The look my manager gave me as he said no they had questions about the baskets but he looked a little puzzled.

My first instinct was to think I had done something wrong and it came out of my mouth.

This is residual behaviour…..

a little sharp toothed anxiety from before the new Jay.

Me…..I am the new Jay.

I have been thinking about it. And how this is the second time an interaction with my manager has lead me to realize another step forward. If he asks me I am going to tell him the truth as I have been thinking of it:

We have not really spoken other than a bit here and there because we are now at different levels. These days I am in till. He is busy. It is a dynamic shift with my having stepped down. That is totally understandable.

Since then whenever he has asked to speak with me it is because there is something I have done wrong or have had a customer complaint. Again totally understandable.

Having been the Front End Lead and the young woman who was my second is now in that role it is he who has the conversations with me. Again totally understandable.

Dynamics and all.

Not to say that he does not tell me when I am receiving compliments. I believe though it can be forgotten how a small pat on the head can make all the difference.

That though is fodder for another post.

Not every time that my manager or supervisor wants to talk to me is because I have done something wrong.

I also have realized that it is so easy to take responsibility.

I.E. another manager gave my Front Lead heck for something I had done. So I apologized to her and said that she could tell this person that I had misunderstood as to a cashier’s role. That it was busy and I had seen a solution. Realized after that I should have just left it. Told her it was something I would work on. Also said that she could tell this person to come and speak with me about it and I would explain my error. No one ever came to talk to me.

Hmmmmmm…….apparently there are more lessons than I have consciously acknowledged.

Next lesson came from interaction with ex and his girlfriend. (I’m Done)

I am not going to say that I have been all that nice in my head.

I have had a couple of talks with myself.

How I am not responsible for how she behaves.

I am responsible for myself and my response.

Blogged about it.

As I sat here though knowing how my ex could be shot him a text admonishing him not to argue with his gf to just enjoy his evening with her.

All I want for him is to be happy. To find the love he deserves. And they have something as they have been together for 3 1/2 years. She makes him happy.

It does me no good to make her feel uncomfortable.

It costs me less to respect her feelings because I genuinely do like the girl.

There you have it folks…..enlightenment in a post.

Not all came from my writing the other part came from my texts with Macy.

An amazing friend who helps me to see the better parts of myself. Who lets evil Jay come out but reins me in as well. She listens while I ramble eventually coming to my conclusions. Encourages me. Without her I would miss a lot of my enlightening moments. I mean who else would listen to me?????

Turns out that some aspects of growing up really only means learning to take the lessons that are in front of you….see them for what they are and accept that change in your life.

I have (for the most part not to brag folks) (I love me the word folks these days) been receptive to these lessons. Not easily. A few times I have been dragged kicking and screaming but with each step forward…..with each realization of what is important and what I want Tember to learn each one becomes easier.

©July 4/20

Picture is my own. Taken July 3/20.

Virtueless

Patience is a virtue. It is one that I do not have.

I have no patience. Well no that is not true, I have patience for certain things but alas there are two things that can send me right around the bend. I will be cursing and tearing my hair out (mentally not aloud). People who do not do the speed limit and slow walkers.

Of late, I seem to get stuck behind the slow drivers. Tuesdays, around 9:20 a.m. I have learned to remain in the right hand lane until I have passed him. Yes him clutching his steering wheel, staring straight ahead, doing 40 km (24.86 miles for my states friends :)) in the 70 km (43.50 miles) portion of the highway. He is driving in the left hand lane, all the time, not to pass people, but holding them all up.

I forgot about him one Tuesday morning until I saw the lane of cars crawling along and I glanced at the dashboard clock. I whipped into the left lane and zipped around him. Worse is the man is a regular customer and I have to bite my tongue. I mean really it isn’t as though I can explain to him how what he is doing is not only dangerous but makes everyone else around angry, because he is in his 80’s and would not listen to reason. Least of all from a woman. (That is a total other story)

This morning, I am on the way to the city to pick up my contacts. There is this pale blue car in front of me doing 30 in a 50 zone. And than she/he decided that I was too close so they slowed to 20. Thankfully this one pulled off within a moment or so because I was gnashing my teeth and saying some rather unpleasant things.

Here’s karma for you, coming back home the same damn car pulled out in front of me in an 80 zone doing 60. And again felt I was too close so slowed to about 55. I could not pass because I was in the passing lane and the right hand side had a steady stream of cars passing me. Again thankfully, one of us turned off and it was me. This time I chuckled to myself and shook my head.

When I got to the city I did a mad dash to the bathroom, cursing the fact I had had those few extra sips of coffee before leaving the house. I was actually afraid to get out of the car because I thought if I stood up I would have an accident right there. Thankfully there was nothing and no one to impede my gallop through the hallways.

Now the stores at St. Vital mall do not open until 10 which saved me some extra money because I was going to busy some candles. (Damn Bath & Body, sending me email flyer 3-wick candles $12.99 plus a 25% off coupon.) I was texting and walking which I am rather accomplished at (use to always walk home from library reading and walking so I have the quick head bob to check surroundings down pat) when suddenly there they were.

Three across, two deep, strolling along, the dreaded mall walkers. They are the folks who walk around the malls before the stores open to get their exercise. Me? I am the opposite of a slow walker. So there I am, walking behind them unable to find an opening to pass. The middle is filled with kiosks and the other side goes in the opposite direction. I was giggling as I walked behind them. Finally a break appeared and I dashed passed.

The other area where I have problems are shoppers. Saturday. In the store I work at. Our aisles are narrow. You can barely fit one person going west and one person going east (to give you and idea) and I am a flier. When I am getting or looking for something for a customer. On occasion I can slip through sideways but majority of the time I get frustrated and either dart up to pharmacy and get around that way or down the cleaning aisle.

Which leads me to the whole point of the blog. Patience. Something out there is trying to teach it to me. The slow drivers are a more recent occurrence but the slow walkers are not new.

The lesson I need to learn: Slow it down. Stop barreling ahead. Blinders on, my view narrow and focused. Slowing down allows me to finally see what I have been missing. Joy. Wonder. Beauty. It may take me a bit but now that I realize what lesson I am being taught I can actively work on it. (Except for slow drivers those I can always pass except when I can’t.)