Fiendish Innocence

Wrapped in your arms
head upon your chest
listening to your heart
a steady beat
beneath my head.
Slow breath in.
Slow breath out.
Your hand gently caresses.
I move
wriggling to get closer
wanting
needing
to feel your warmth.
Thaw my soul
release this heart of mine
from the iced web I carved.
A cavern of fallen stars
pinpricks of death
curses to all
who try to make me feel.
Serenade me
play love songs
make me weep
promise to me
you will always keep.
I see your lips move.
I hear the words you say.
Similar vows
always made
oaths to keep me safe
to keep me sane
to stave off
my desire
my thirst
my wretched need for revenge.
©June 24/14
Picture via Pinterest
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My Dream

There are no words
no soothing moments
healing the pain 
scraping free 
fresh flesh
covering the burns.
I am lost.
I no longer know
truth
reality
falsehood
lies
I must rely on the clues
the ones that I read.
So easy to disassemble
to ignore
the pain that we have caused.
Not you
not me
all could have been avoided
had you listened 
had I listened
to words we had spoken.
Am still unsure
how you clicked on that word
how you created a fantasy
from a misunderstanding
but you did.
I never said I would fuck another
I said
he would never give up.
I never gave in.
I was true.
From that first time 
to the last time
I fucked no one my dear
but you.
I opened my heart
I imagined a future
one now destroyed
because 
I think 
you saw what you wanted
what you believed would be done.
Never realizing
I was not a little girl
but a woman
unwilling to play games.
I told you.
I warned you.
I was not willing to play.
I am an adult 
no time for make believe.
I want…..
truth
love
loyalty
in the man I dream of.
 
January 21/19

Subvert

**I submitted two poems to The New Yorker. This is one of the two. I obviously was rejected but I can say with pride I was rejected by The New Yorker.***
There is an evil rot within
leaching from the heart
any illusion
that there remains some good.
Time and time again
it has been proven
that society has become doomed
trading away
ethics
morals
basic humanity.
Twisting and subverting
with each falsehood told
embraced
with zeal
religious fevor
becoming the very demon
decried as the enemy.
We have failed.
We have lost our way.
One by one
we have been corrupted
by lies
by slight of hand
and the tears that are wept
fall between the cracks
in this desert land.
©Feb. 23/18
Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

Nonparent

You lie to me
with a straight face
not knowing that I already know
the truth has been presented
via text
bet you wish she didn’t talk to me.
I ask you
nay plead with you
to help me parent
to have my back
to help enforce bedtimes
and electronic time
only to find out
that you think I am unreasonable.
Let us call into question
the parenting style of each
and tell me true….
who is the parent?
who is the friend?
My anger is not unexpected
nor is your response
I thought you could parent
yet I find
that the will is not there.
Stuck in your head as a teenager
you cannot see the damage you have done
he will not follow your parenting style
I will see to that.
He will learn respect
he will learn responsibility
he will learn how to be an adult
with help from me.
Keep it up
I am warning you now
time will be lost
when he realizes the game you play
deciding that you are not worth the time
or energy to stay.
Disappointment oozes in his voice
his eyes shatter with tears
you really are nothing more
than a bastard……dear.
Aug. 19/18
Photo is one of my own.

Rebirth

Lies drip from your lips

believed as the truth

unable to see

the devious nature of yourself.

Believing.

Feeling.

Hearing.

Satin shackles hold you in place

not able to see

you have the ability to be free.

Pull against the bonds of the past

see that the future is hazy

what is realized cannot be unsaid

now is all that exists.

 

I begin……

Pain
whispered on my lips
bitten with regret
I begin…..
Heart
breaking so slowly
tears unbidden fall
I begin the process…..
Aching
my broken soul
lies I believed
I begin the process of letting go.
I have waited
longer than I should have
for you to come home.
My arms are lonely
my heart is weary
I have to let you go.
It kills me to say good bye
because I  love you
I believed in you
only to have you let me down.
Tears falling
I close my eyes
letting pain
remorse flow over
silently say good bye.
I begin the process of letting go
and building my life without you.
My heart aches……
my heart breaks….
pain encompassing 
as finally I let go.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
©May 25/18

Living Ghost

It seemed so simple

those words that you spoke

telling me you would return

you would come back.

I believed you.

I waited.

I waited an eon

marking every day

the rise and fall of the gentle tide

wishing upon each star I could find

to no avail.

You disappeared

becoming a living ghost

haunting the halls of my heart.