My Dream

There are no words
no soothing moments
healing the pain 
scraping free 
fresh flesh
covering the burns.
I am lost.
I no longer know
truth
reality
falsehood
lies
I must rely on the clues
the ones that I read.
So easy to disassemble
to ignore
the pain that we have caused.
Not you
not me
all could have been avoided
had you listened 
had I listened
to words we had spoken.
Am still unsure
how you clicked on that word
how you created a fantasy
from a misunderstanding
but you did.
I never said I would fuck another
I said
he would never give up.
I never gave in.
I was true.
From that first time 
to the last time
I fucked no one my dear
but you.
I opened my heart
I imagined a future
one now destroyed
because 
I think 
you saw what you wanted
what you believed would be done.
Never realizing
I was not a little girl
but a woman
unwilling to play games.
I told you.
I warned you.
I was not willing to play.
I am an adult 
no time for make believe.
I want…..
truth
love
loyalty
in the man I dream of.
 
January 21/19
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**I submitted two poems to The New Yorker. This is one of the two. I obviously was rejected but I can say with pride I was rejected by The New Yorker.***
There is an evil rot within
leaching from the heart
any illusion
that there remains some good.
Time and time again
it has been proven
that society has become doomed
trading away
ethics
morals
basic humanity.
Twisting and subverting
with each falsehood told
embraced
with zeal
religious fevor
becoming the very demon
decried as the enemy.
We have failed.
We have lost our way.
One by one
we have been corrupted
by lies
by slight of hand
and the tears that are wept
fall between the cracks
in this desert land.
©Feb. 23/18
Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

Nonparent

You lie to me
with a straight face
not knowing that I already know
the truth has been presented
via text
bet you wish she didn’t talk to me.
I ask you
nay plead with you
to help me parent
to have my back
to help enforce bedtimes
and electronic time
only to find out
that you think I am unreasonable.
Let us call into question
the parenting style of each
and tell me true….
who is the parent?
who is the friend?
My anger is not unexpected
nor is your response
I thought you could parent
yet I find
that the will is not there.
Stuck in your head as a teenager
you cannot see the damage you have done
he will not follow your parenting style
I will see to that.
He will learn respect
he will learn responsibility
he will learn how to be an adult
with help from me.
Keep it up
I am warning you now
time will be lost
when he realizes the game you play
deciding that you are not worth the time
or energy to stay.
Disappointment oozes in his voice
his eyes shatter with tears
you really are nothing more
than a bastard……dear.
Aug. 19/18
Photo is one of my own.

Rebirth

Lies drip from your lips

believed as the truth

unable to see

the devious nature of yourself.

Believing.

Feeling.

Hearing.

Satin shackles hold you in place

not able to see

you have the ability to be free.

Pull against the bonds of the past

see that the future is hazy

what is realized cannot be unsaid

now is all that exists.

 

I begin……

Pain
whispered on my lips
bitten with regret
I begin…..
Heart
breaking so slowly
tears unbidden fall
I begin the process…..
Aching
my broken soul
lies I believed
I begin the process of letting go.
I have waited
longer than I should have
for you to come home.
My arms are lonely
my heart is weary
I have to let you go.
It kills me to say good bye
because I  love you
I believed in you
only to have you let me down.
Tears falling
I close my eyes
letting pain
remorse flow over
silently say good bye.
I begin the process of letting go
and building my life without you.
My heart aches……
my heart breaks….
pain encompassing 
as finally I let go.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
©May 25/18

Living Ghost

It seemed so simple

those words that you spoke

telling me you would return

you would come back.

I believed you.

I waited.

I waited an eon

marking every day

the rise and fall of the gentle tide

wishing upon each star I could find

to no avail.

You disappeared

becoming a living ghost

haunting the halls of my heart.

 

 

 

 

He Lies

So we had another set to this morning. Oh it was a doozy of all doozies. T actually tired to hit me. Turns out that I can still man handle T and was able to wrap him in a bear hug. Angry angry words were spoken by both myself and the devil spawn of my loins.

The Ex text me this afternoon and asked me what time I wanted devil spawn home on Saturday afternoon. And I said I did not. I wanted to have a me weekend. Apparently when T got home the Ex wanted to know why I did not want him home early. So T told him we had a fight. That he had tried to hit me. And did so because I had tried to break his phone.

Fast forward to T getting home this evening. He comes in and is all I have nothing to drink. I wanna watch t.v. And so on and so forth. I am sitting here, eyebrow cocked looking at him thinking to myself, are you fucking serious? After the way you acted this morning, you are pulling more attitude on me? So guess who decided to be obstinate? Guess who decided that she was going to enter the lions den and goad said lions?

T is whimpering and whining away at me about wanting to watch t.v. and how all he wanted was a good evening. How could I ruin this evening for him? And this was the best one, when was I going into my room so he could have the t.v. I asked him if he thought that he really should have the t.v. to himself. He said well why not? Hmmmmmm I wonder, could it have been your attitude this morning? Could it be that you are still acting like you were a part of the immaculate conception and all should bow down to you? Than I go to the fun part.

I asked him if he told his dad about what had happened this morning? He said yeah. Okay, what did you tell him? Did you tell him that you tried to hit me? Yes, but I told him that you had tried to break my phone. Okay, let me get this straight, you told your dad that you tried to hit me but it was in response to my trying to break your phone? (I slammed it down on the counter in a fit of anger) Yep. So tell me what did your dad say? He said I was never suppose to try and hit you but you are not suppose to slam my phone down either.

I looked at him. He looked at me. I picked up my phone. And asked if I were to text the Ex right now and ask him if he said that I was not to slam the phone down he was going to say that that was true? T starts to hedge about how dad always forgets things remember? So caught him in a lie. Than I asked why he had brought this up with his dad, because I had not.

Deer in the headlights. Gotta say score for parents. Even if we did not discuss this, T got owned.

As I write this, he is shrieking at me. His friend wanted him to play on the Xbox. I said no. He than messages his friend that he is unable to because ‘my mom won’t let me.’ ‘Because you disrespected me!’ ‘He does not need to know that mom.’

‘That is okay buddy because I am sharing it on my blog.’

He is right steamed at me as of this post. Yelled at me that I was no longer allowed to blog about him. I could not share with all those strangers who are going to make fun of him. I could not tell my friends. Why did I want to make him the laughingstock of the world?

Now right there, that made me laugh so hard I cried. As if the world is interested in our little lives. And as for me sharing? Hell I share shit that makes me look like the Guardian of Hell, so putting him out there as the devil’s spawn (and I am not even capitalizing it) is minuscule.

I realize my limitations. I know that there are going to be people horrified that I am blogging about how T and I fought. That I am sharing about how he treats me and how I respond. But you know what, there are moms and dads out there, who think that they are losing their minds because everyone else around them are perfect parents. That they alone have the child(ren) from hell.

Honey you are so not alone. Those who do sit out there and point their fingers at you they are not presenting a real face to the world. Children no matter how sweet they may appear, will show some assholery at some point and time in their lives. And if they truly are the angelic persons that their parents have painted them to be, than the hell spawn will pollute their lines during their tenure as parents.

***No children were harmed during the writing of this post. ***