Payment to Death…..Life

Cacophony of voices
raised in screams
in curses
blaming god
allah
messiah
any that will listen
pleas for help
pleas for death in pain.
Bombs rain down
blow to bits
villages
having nothing to do with this.
War room
game played
video watched
men yell
women play on phones.
What happens a world away
no bearing on the lives lived here.
Opulent
grandeur
flash of gold
squalor of morals
decency
empathy.
Is not this land great?
Stand with me
within this zoo.
See the children dying?
See the men crying?
See the women fleeing?
Blood and gore
brains and bones
stand with me
listen to the drones.
Incoming
bombs away
look above
eyes tracking plume in the sky
hoping
praying
wishing
it will not fall upon these shores.
©Jan. 7/20
Picture via Pinterest

Here or There

The water was warm. Too warm. Sun baked. No one knew she was out here.
 
Laying on her back. Staring up at the night sky. Rounded…..amazed always by the sphere that was Earth. Looked above. All those glowing pretty rocks. Wish here. Wish there. Wish everywhere. The Percocet she had taken mellowed her out. Deep breath in…….sigh it out…..there was no protection. Floating…..dead man’s float so ironic…..so easy to ignore the pain here. To pretend nothing was wrong.
 
Vast void. Within. It felt as though she was free falling. Tumbling over and over. Did it ever end? Screams of pain rage anguish unheard by the world. With head under water holding breath liquid silk over face panic breath gasped sit upright how does she go on?
 
Fire light on the shore. Beckoning warmth. Laughter voices of friends float out to her. Sitting letting water move her weightless body this way that way. Wood scented air memory scratching at the surface unexpected pain dive beneath the water come up deep breath dive below again. Toes barely touching pushing hair back from face she spots the shooting star. Spectacular trail of golden dust make a wish deep breath in death breath out…..
 
Phantom…..spectre…..hovering on the outskirts of life…..pain encompasses all how to trust when trust was not something afforded but torn away…..
 
Tears shed meld with water lapping around her head. She stares at the moon above. Lighting a pathway. Only she can decide…..live……or……
 
©Jan. 4 2020
Picture is my own

Triumphant

Dark abyss
toes curl over the edge
vertigo
looking over
should I fall
or back away.
Depths of blackness
clothed in hair shirt
chastising self 
sins not my own
muddied tears fall
so much easier to….. 
let go.
Eyes flutter open
heart
pounding
drenched in sweat
with fear.
Time I want not to return
time where I resided
died within
withered arms of deranged lover
who beat me
whispered
perverted words of love
I believed
for I had no one.
It took a leap
into ebony fissure
flowing liquid over cracked face
riding the wind
accepting
collecting
damaged parts of myself
amalgamating
into…..
flawed beauty.
Renewal of life
light
within
reaching for dreams
soaring
I am alive again.
©Jan. 2/20
Picture is mine

Charmed Monsters

Longing
yearning
ever so tired
grey is the day
this life
this path I trod.
Where is the light?
Where is the joy?
No Eden can I find.
The past…..
Free wheeling
dealing card after card
pain
humility
hungering
feeding upon the blackness
the evil
rooted within.
My past…..
No longer allowed to define
to dictate…..
Cut away
carve away
sword
epee
skewered to the ground
demons chained
eased with dosed medication
mine to do with as I will.
These daemons
still reside within
gentle murmurs
holding pain
holding fear
now my protectors
I need no longer beware.
Sanctuary found
hellions bound
labor of love.
This me
beauty and beast
all rolled into one.
©Dec. 30/19
Picture is part of my Positivity wall

Slew the Dragon

****7 days****

Tap tap tap
pencil on the table
used to focus my thoughts
words come with reluctance.
I do not want to share.
I do not want sympathy.
I do not want to see your face shutter
unable to comprehend
unable to understand.
I want you to hear
what was done
how I rose to overcome.
Darkness turned into light
tears into smiles
blackness pushed back
as I revel in my truth.
My life.
I dance with abandon
where once I would have been afraid.
Evil pervades
stalwart
inching forward
encroaching
blocking the sunlight
blocking the truth that should have been mine.
Have you ever seen a child
dance under the sky
face lifted
eyes closed
spinning around
certain the earth will catch them
as they fall?
Have you ever seen a child
cower in the corner
eyes turned
closed
not wanting to see
not wanting to feel
desperate to disappear?
Knock on the door
pry open the block in my mind
see the vile ink
pour free.
Monsters
big
small
consumed my heart
my soul.
Now though……
I am taking it back…..
Monster Slayer Supreme.
©Dec. 16/19
Picture via Pinterest

 

 

****8 Days****

I see you there.
Peeking around the corner
whimpering when I catch sight
wanting to disappear
wanting to hide
but I know you are there
come into the light.
Lank hair
desperate eyes
pallid pallor
tears seep
curled inward
blackness coiling around
tethering you….
to anger
to pain
to horror
blinding you
unwilling you were to see.
No one wants that nightmare.
No one wants to live in the dark.
Take my hand
feel my embrace
I am so sorry I left you for so long.
You must have been scared
not understanding
kept
like a dirty secret
of which no one talks.
Come stand with me
meld with me
for you are I
I am you.
Without you
without your pain…..
my pain
my addiction
my rage…..
Beautiful woman
come into the light
let go
raise our eyes to sunlit skies
for we are one.
I had to leave you alone
it took me awhile to return
yet here I am
here you are
baby we will succeed!
©Dec. 15/19
Picture is my own

New Reality

*****As of Dec. 23rd I am going to have been pill free for two years. Truth is my life began that day. I look forward to continued growth and acceptance of my faults and watch with wonder and excitement as a woman rebuilding herself. My poetry is going to be a reflection of that. I won’t post this every day but I am in count down until my 2 year anniversary. 12 more days to go.*****
Tidal wave
breaking over my head
tossing
tumbling
dragging me down
no where to go
vision clouding
pain
all encompassing
no break
no change
day after day
my heart bleeds.
Challenge is acceptance.
Accepting my faults.
My sorrows.
My past.
Choosing forward march.
Choosing life.
Choosing to let go
to return to the wonder I was
before……
Depression became a way.
Addiction was how I coped.
Love was a chip to barter
body used to in slick desperation
needing to be……
someone I was not.
Someone I could hate
pour all my venom into
making myself murky
compliant
ignoring the truth
because it was easier to deal with.
Time came
climax roared
to its final destination.
Live or die.
My only choices.
I chose to live
for myself
for me…..
©Dec. 11/19
Picture is my own