Whispered Death

*****Please note this could be a trigger poem. It is about lack of self. Leaving life behind. While I have only once felt like this (when I was 15) it never really leaves your mind. This poem is in no way reflective of how I feel.*****

I stand
waves slashing
sky
pink blood
shed
as day wanes
into night.
Roiling spray
drenched grey
looking outward
seeing only the bad
nary the good.
Voices whisper in my ear
so subtle
driving me a little crazy
telling me wrong
telling me right
telling me so many lies.
One does not know
sibilant
slightly under range of hearing
voice ringing in my ears
failure
wrong
liar
fake
names that go on and on.
Nights on my knees
praying
screaming
absolution please
come my way…..
wish I may
I wish I might
I wish that I could die tonight…..
©July 11/20
Picture is my own.

 

Let The Next Phase Begin

No I am not talking about Covid 19. I am not talking about borders or reopening economies and provinces.
When Tember was born nigh on 12 years ago the ex and I we took out a loan. I have been looking forward to the day I no longer have to pay. There are things I want/need that having this extra money would make easier. I really really really need a new couch. Badly. Was thinking about a new mattress but today I purchased a sherpa fluffy mattress cover which has changed the whole game. New bed all around lol. Tember wants me to leave so he can go roll around on the softness. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
The ex recently took out loan. He wants a few things and also this will pay for my name being taken off the land title giving him sole ownership of the property. Which will then lead to him renewing mortgage without my name. When I left the marriage I gave him the house and property. Were he to have sold in the first two years we would have worked something out. However he has not. And I am fine with that.
Earlier today I checked my bank account and noticed something was a little different but I was checking balance so did not look too closely. Was looking at calendar and thought I would text ex and see when he was signing papers. Which when he responded to me threw me for loop. He had already signed them.
I reopened my banking app and logged in. Sure enough it was gone. No more loan amount. I will not lie I cried. For me this is huge. For the first time in 20 years I do not have an extra payment. 20 years. I sent ex a message telling him I was so thankful and grateful that he did not realize how much this meant to me. He said I was welcome.
Now my ex and I have had our issues. But we also have worked very hard to become friends who can discuss things such as this. Who can co-ordinate and share our son amicably. I know there are those who think that what we have is weird…….I get that…..not everyone has a great relationship with their ex. Some exes are bat shit crazy. There is no help. Yet we have made it work. For Tember I think that is the most important thing. He sees this. It is imperative that he realize just because two people no longer want a relationship that when children are involved everyone should to the best of their ability do this. Again there are those bat shit crazy exes who there is no help for.….I do not fall in this category. Although ask the ex and he might disagree.🤣🤣🤣🤣
I am going to enjoy this lack of extra payment and having to budget for it. And for those who are wondering……a couch will be coming but for now all my extra money will be going to feed the growing child in my house.
©July 11/20
Picture is my own