Winner Is…..

Of late I have totally been off my game.
Whiny.
Teary.
Frustrated.
Annoyed.
My list goes on and on.
All negative emotions.
It is like a dark cloud is hanging over my head.
And it has carried over into all aspects of my life.
Creativity-gone
Reading-a couple of pages and either I am falling asleep or feeling itchy.
Watching Law & Order because I cannot get interested in anything else.
Work-Irritable despite smiling and joking.
Home-Constant rearranging/discarding of things.
I have big plans to do things and get home from work…..
ideas/plans peter out.
This possibly is a cycle with me.
Never have I had difficulty with a big birthday.
20
30
40
27 bawled like a baby on my birthday and could not tell you why.
35 I needed change got pregnant and had T.
42 I fell apart. Kaboom number 2.
45 I fell apart Kaboom number 3.
Although this did begin the start of my new real life so not really a thing.
48 I am looking at things and know I need change but how?
Looking at this and realize that my biggest shift is in my 40’s.
Something to mull over for a later date.
I have a child I am raising.
Who at 12 still requires me full time to look after him despite what he may think.
T is all great at being ready to do this and do that like get a job but whines and fights with me when I ask him to do the dishes.
He is great at arguing with me.
I annoy him to no end because I am usually on the couch killing myself laughing as he stands in the kitchen telling me why he cannot do something.
And I love telling him how he so could have been done whatever it was I was asking of him and back playing Farming Sim with his friends.
But noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…..
My point being I am feeding and clothing said child.
Which necessitates work.
Never mind that I do like where I work.
And my wage.
And my holidays. Paid.
And my benefits. Shared cost inexpensive to say the least.
Every time I begin to write it fades away after a bit.
Not when I write poetry but short stories.
Have great ideas or at least I think they are great but my characters after a brief moment of non-stop barfing of self run off into the woods to play hide and go see or peek-a-boo don’t look behind you…..
In high school I wrote a novel.
Horrible thing but write it I did.
My characters spoke to me.
I lived and breathed them.
Now though not sure where they have all gone.
Anyhow let me get back on track here.
Change is needed.
Unsure how to go about changing or what exactly it is that needs change.
Last week my manager came to me with a question.
The company I work for at present does not have a shopping option where the customer orders pays for it and a shopper at the store does their shopping.
They come and pick it up.
Never have to enter store.
Never have to deal with line ups.
Our competitors do.
It was something that was looked at as a future endeavor.
Until Covid.
Until now.
How would I feel about doing the shopping and organizing of orders for a program like this.
Before the man was even half way through I was like oh yes.
Absolutely.
My wrists and elbows will have time to rest.
I will not be in a till with customers constantly flowing through.
My contact with customers will be when I am shopping the aisles or putting groceries into their vehicles.
I am getting paid to shop for other people.
This is a dream job.
I have always said if I could get a job as a personal shopper I would love to do that.
Love to do it.
And now I can.
Beginning next Monday our store is launching our own version.
Yesterday I spent my afternoon clearing out the space I will be working out of.
Once all the garbage and BBQ’s had been removed it proved to be rather roomy.
And I swept it up.
Asked to have cleaners wash the floor too.
I am beyond excited about this.
To start 3-4 days are going to be doing this role.
I have a feeling that it is going to be all 5 days for this is not only a matter of convenience but safety as well.
It gives peace of mind to our customers who are concerned about contact outside their bubble.
Which ever way it works out I am excited about the change that is coming and I believe that it will be exciting and fun.
Last week Monday and Tuesday I was feeling down.
Lost.
Sad.
Fast forward a week and I am feeling good.
Excited.
Happy.
What last week was morose and ick feelings have morphed into excitement and renewed energy.
Is it possible that the shift is within me?
That making constant daily use of my blue light is working and I am an idiot on the days that I forget to turn it on.
Whichever way one wants to look change has once more found me and I am coming out…..
A winner once again.
©Dec. 1/20
Picture is my own

Serenity At Last

Tick tock
hear that clock
count down
one
two
three
wash away sins
so you thought
bathed in innocent blood.
Slaughtered
women
children
old
young
boundaries
none known.
Finger on the trigger
maniacal laughter
buttons
four
five
six
pressed
with juvenile delight
lighting up elevator
all stops
never full
like the mind
rotting within
glowing corpse
grotesque mouth piece
shouts
branding traitors.
Silence falls
blankets of purity
reign ended
reins passed
collective breath
held so long
released unpent
let the healing begin.
©Nov. 30/20
Picture is my own