Sweet Blessing

Motes of dust
dancing through the air
caught in gleaming sunbeam
laying on the floor
entranced
fingers held light
across tight belly
feeling the dance beneath my skin.
Time once was
I thought this day would never come
for well…..
age
health
wealth
all play a part in being
serene
peaceful
for implantation to take place.
I would look so longingly
at others
with bundles of joy in their arms
my heart breaking
for mine were empty
I did not feel the weight
the scent
the feel of a child asleep.
I have lost one
she bore a hole in my heart
that I strove to ignore
to deny
not her
but the pain that I felt
which no one explained
would be brutal
demoralizing
encompassing with no way out.
Now my miracle is at hand.
Any day now
I will meet
this child of mine…..
who I already love
who I already adore
who is a mystery
wrapped in a rose colored bow
that I cannot wait to snip.
©Nov. 13/19
This poem is based on the fact that I lost my daughter Christina 28 years ago tomorrow. I never thought that I was ever going to have a child of my own when 17 years later I discovered I was pregnant with Tember. To this day he is my miracle and masterpiece and yet I miss Christina every day.
Picture is my own.

Word of the Day Challenge #71-Untitled Poem

Beneath my feet
crystal grass tinkles
each step
another broken shard
driven through my heart
at how callous you are.
Nightmares gave way to light
beneath your sheltering hand
monsters driven
back into the woods
barred
broken down.
Bleak shawl
worn as a cowl
drawn over my head
pushed back
feeling the sun again
upon my face.
Song birds
chirp
chitter
sweet romance
on spring’s air
I came to you
tentative smile
pleading desperation
please do not hurt.
Stand upon the pier
gaze upon silver streaked waves
lover’s lament
tears mixed with rain
as I watched your hand
finally
slowly
slip beneath the surface.

©Nov. 9/19
Picture via Pinterest

My Loss

It was not until today
that I realized
just how much I miss you.
Your smile
your words
your being
sitting
talking
with me.
You might think
my loss is desire
it is not.
My loss…..
no longer having someone believe in me
no longer having someone who loves me
no longer having someone who will fight for me
no longer having someone who feels like home.
I miss that feeling of happiness.
My bed
though king size
has become so wide
so large
I cannot find the end
the sides.
It has become the size
of three football fields.
The knowing
that someone is thinking of me
not day and night
every so often
I make them smile.
My loss…..
the man who made me smile
the man who made me happy
the man….
who knew my past
who knew my degradation
yet loved me still
despite the grey
the emotional curbs
he found in his way.
I cannot explain
why….
I feel connected.
Why….
I feel a depth.
Why….
I am willing to forgive
despite
all you have done.
You are not the only one
forgiveness should be paid
for too did I
strike out in my way.
I found a way
to rip you bare
using my words
my tongue
to cut you down.
To hate.
To love…..
oh hell
I am on my knees
begging you
please
can we not begin anew?
The ball bounces in your court
the ball it flicks passed me
what more can I do
what more can I say
I still want you.
December 17/18
Picture is one of my own.

Final Sleep

She sits
alone
unloved
beneath the apple tree.
A witch
used to scare small children
teens too
some parents as well
fear what they do not see.
No one ever thought
that she might want to have a friend
that her story might be one 
all should hear.
Year after year
she waits
mournful expression
on her face.
As trucks roll by
she lifts her head
hoping to see…..
the boy she use to love.
Romeo and Juliet
their families did feud
they knew that they were different
they could bridge the divide.
Bride and groom
they never did become
for he disappeared into the night
leaving her
with broken heart
empty tears
promises that became lies
so one always said.
Time
tick tocked
rapidly forward
leaving the past behind
still she waited.
When last she did not return to her tree
neighbors finally went ’round.
Found she was
bridal gown
veil
yellowed satin
skeleton
wrapped in her arms
as finally
they both do sleep.
December 14/18
Photo by Angelina Litvin on Unsplash

Untitled Poem #3

***Please note this is not indicative of how I am feeling/going through.***
Jibber
Jabber
voices in my head
calling
screaming
flames flare
scorching
am I finally dead?
Wafting
fleeing
hiding
pain
so much pain
head pounding
bloody
I opened a vein.
Crimson spray
paint the walls
maroon
warmth slowly fades.
Slowly
ever so slowly
I slide down the wall
life ebbing away.
Tears
slow warmth
glides over softened cheeks
staring
eyes glazed
darkness encroaching
midnight hour comes…..
goes….
I am so lost.
December 11/18
Picture is one of my own taken Summer 2017

Buh Bye

I bleed.
Scarlet ribbons
maroon manacles
chaining me to your side.
Truth
lie
liar
a lineal line.
Addiction
lover’s lane
go ahead
fuck you
fuck her
don’t expect me to wait.
Fuck you finger rises
will never let you see
pain
desire
hope
within me.
You thought
(falsely I must say)
that the love I held
would lead your way.
Pummeled by words
broken in two
I need to protect myself
so good bye to you.
 
December 4/18
Photo is one of my own taken Summer 2017

Nothingness

Tears seep
tracing the curve of my cheek
trailing
salty kisses on my lips
pondering
why I feel this way?
Nothing wrong
no sense of impending doom
imagination
spiraling out of control
when I know
I may have pushed too far?
Overstepping
infamous for I am
reading too much
into too little
building my fairy tales
only to knock them down.
Self destruction.
I am not crazy.
I am not insane
even though I portray myself this way.
Easier to hide
behind a sinister mask
than brimming with bright smiles
allowing the hurt
to become a dull throb
one I cannot placate.
Never crumble
never fall
ideas ingrained in my mind
not worth it
undeserving
voices playing over and over again.
Happiness
ever fleeting
skims through my life
touching lightly
only to bounce off
leaving me bereft
clutching at faded memories
of time we spent.
Hopelessness
sadness
raging pain
loss
fear
the emotions I live with
every day.
Does it get better?
Does it ever end?
This feeling of……
nothingness.
©Jay-lyn Doerkson
July 8/18