Untitled Poem #3

***Please note this is not indicative of how I am feeling/going through.***
Jibber
Jabber
voices in my head
calling
screaming
flames flare
scorching
am I finally dead?
Wafting
fleeing
hiding
pain
so much pain
head pounding
bloody
I opened a vein.
Crimson spray
paint the walls
maroon
warmth slowly fades.
Slowly
ever so slowly
I slide down the wall
life ebbing away.
Tears
slow warmth
glides over softened cheeks
staring
eyes glazed
darkness encroaching
midnight hour comes…..
goes….
I am so lost.
December 11/18
Picture is one of my own taken Summer 2017
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Buh Bye

I bleed.
Scarlet ribbons
maroon manacles
chaining me to your side.
Truth
lie
liar
a lineal line.
Addiction
lover’s lane
go ahead
fuck you
fuck her
don’t expect me to wait.
Fuck you finger rises
will never let you see
pain
desire
hope
within me.
You thought
(falsely I must say)
that the love I held
would lead your way.
Pummeled by words
broken in two
I need to protect myself
so good bye to you.
 
December 4/18
Photo is one of my own taken Summer 2017

Nothingness

Tears seep
tracing the curve of my cheek
trailing
salty kisses on my lips
pondering
why I feel this way?
Nothing wrong
no sense of impending doom
imagination
spiraling out of control
when I know
I may have pushed too far?
Overstepping
infamous for I am
reading too much
into too little
building my fairy tales
only to knock them down.
Self destruction.
I am not crazy.
I am not insane
even though I portray myself this way.
Easier to hide
behind a sinister mask
than brimming with bright smiles
allowing the hurt
to become a dull throb
one I cannot placate.
Never crumble
never fall
ideas ingrained in my mind
not worth it
undeserving
voices playing over and over again.
Happiness
ever fleeting
skims through my life
touching lightly
only to bounce off
leaving me bereft
clutching at faded memories
of time we spent.
Hopelessness
sadness
raging pain
loss
fear
the emotions I live with
every day.
Does it get better?
Does it ever end?
This feeling of……
nothingness.
©Jay-lyn Doerkson
July 8/18

Performing Monkey

He sits lost

the throne of bones

swallowing his frame.

Sallow skin sags

a skull wearing a face

despair

a solid cloak

wrapped around the dismal man.

Once so great

once the golden boy

the fall from grace

a harsh lesson to be learned.

Gregarious

chummy

every man’s best bud

truth eventually rises

exposing the darkness beneath.

Tumbling down the hill

lost

nary a man

running to protect him.

Reaching too high

without a moral compass

without regard for any

but one’s self

Believing none will touch

none will dare speak

made the fall all that much sweeter

for those plundered

abused

torn apart.

Now a performing monkey

sitting upon the throne of bones

the man awaits……..

the next show starts at two.

 

 

 

Fall In….Fall Out…

Falling in love
it takes a time or two
before you see the benefits
before you see the truth.
Falling out of love
can be done gradually
taken over time
or it can end just like that.
It took a lot of bravery
to tell the one I loved
that indeed I did love him.
It took a lot of courage
to reach out and say
I would regret it if I didn’t.
Now though
the pain diminishes
each time the messaage is not yours.
The hurt
the expectations
that feeling in the pit of my stomach
all disappeared.
No longer do I feel sorry for myself
but I sure do feel sorry for you
’cause honey I am the bomb
and I could have blown up your world.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
June 6/18

 

Photo by Dani Vivanco on Unsplash

When?

When?
When did it become the norm?
To sell votes for favors……
to sell salvation for dollars…..
to degrade children
allowing them to fall through the cracks
lost and alone
while their parents are terrorized?
When?
When did time change so much?
That morals sit in the bin
taken out with the trash?
That freedoms fought so hard for
lives lost
widows made
can be torched in a moment?
When?
When did truth become a slippery slope?
When did mans lies become legitimate facts?
When did the values, the mores I remember
become so archaic
that they no longer can be found?
I weep for those times passed
mourning the loss of simpler times
when the world was not threatening to shatter. 
Jay-lyn Doerksen
©May 25/18
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Quote Day 2

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I would like to thank Kranti over at Sparklingthoughts for nominating me for the 3 Day Quote Challenge. Please head over and check out her blog.

I was scrolling through FB this morning looking for a quote that resonated with me. I am not one of those people who has a ton that speak to her. Every so often though one jumps out and screams ‘Jay I am over here! Right here under your nose and I will mean something if only you look a little closer.’ Just as this one did.

I have/had a real problem with allowing others to influence my life. What I thought and felt about myself. I need/needed to be reassured that I was liked, valued, wanted and good at what I do/did. I imagine that it is a confidence thing. One I am trying to correct. Allowing them to steal not only my fire but my passion as well. Hence the problem with hiding away behind pills and alcohol. (This is not an issue now, I have learned how to stand so firm and that voice in my head has pretty much faded to black.)

I need this to remind me that I am my own power. The only way that I can let anyone steal my fire, my passion is if I allow them to. So I have saved this to my phone so when I begin to feel taken apart, I can look at it and remind myself that no one can take from me anything that I do not want them to.