My Loss

It was not until today
that I realized
just how much I miss you.
Your smile
your words
your being
sitting
talking
with me.
You might think
my loss is desire
it is not.
My loss…..
no longer having someone believe in me
no longer having someone who loves me
no longer having someone who will fight for me
no longer having someone who feels like home.
I miss that feeling of happiness.
My bed
though king size
has become so wide
so large
I cannot find the end
the sides.
It has become the size
of three football fields.
The knowing
that someone is thinking of me
not day and night
every so often
I make them smile.
My loss…..
the man who made me smile
the man who made me happy
the man….
who knew my past
who knew my degradation
yet loved me still
despite the grey
the emotional curbs
he found in his way.
I cannot explain
why….
I feel connected.
Why….
I feel a depth.
Why….
I am willing to forgive
despite
all you have done.
You are not the only one
forgiveness should be paid
for too did I
strike out in my way.
I found a way
to rip you bare
using my words
my tongue
to cut you down.
To hate.
To love…..
oh hell
I am on my knees
begging you
please
can we not begin anew?
The ball bounces in your court
the ball it flicks passed me
what more can I do
what more can I say
I still want you.
December 17/18
Picture is one of my own.
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Final Sleep

She sits
alone
unloved
beneath the apple tree.
A witch
used to scare small children
teens too
some parents as well
fear what they do not see.
No one ever thought
that she might want to have a friend
that her story might be one 
all should hear.
Year after year
she waits
mournful expression
on her face.
As trucks roll by
she lifts her head
hoping to see…..
the boy she use to love.
Romeo and Juliet
their families did feud
they knew that they were different
they could bridge the divide.
Bride and groom
they never did become
for he disappeared into the night
leaving her
with broken heart
empty tears
promises that became lies
so one always said.
Time
tick tocked
rapidly forward
leaving the past behind
still she waited.
When last she did not return to her tree
neighbors finally went ’round.
Found she was
bridal gown
veil
yellowed satin
skeleton
wrapped in her arms
as finally
they both do sleep.
December 14/18
Photo by Angelina Litvin on Unsplash

Untitled Poem #3

***Please note this is not indicative of how I am feeling/going through.***
Jibber
Jabber
voices in my head
calling
screaming
flames flare
scorching
am I finally dead?
Wafting
fleeing
hiding
pain
so much pain
head pounding
bloody
I opened a vein.
Crimson spray
paint the walls
maroon
warmth slowly fades.
Slowly
ever so slowly
I slide down the wall
life ebbing away.
Tears
slow warmth
glides over softened cheeks
staring
eyes glazed
darkness encroaching
midnight hour comes…..
goes….
I am so lost.
December 11/18
Picture is one of my own taken Summer 2017

Buh Bye

I bleed.
Scarlet ribbons
maroon manacles
chaining me to your side.
Truth
lie
liar
a lineal line.
Addiction
lover’s lane
go ahead
fuck you
fuck her
don’t expect me to wait.
Fuck you finger rises
will never let you see
pain
desire
hope
within me.
You thought
(falsely I must say)
that the love I held
would lead your way.
Pummeled by words
broken in two
I need to protect myself
so good bye to you.
 
December 4/18
Photo is one of my own taken Summer 2017

Nothingness

Tears seep
tracing the curve of my cheek
trailing
salty kisses on my lips
pondering
why I feel this way?
Nothing wrong
no sense of impending doom
imagination
spiraling out of control
when I know
I may have pushed too far?
Overstepping
infamous for I am
reading too much
into too little
building my fairy tales
only to knock them down.
Self destruction.
I am not crazy.
I am not insane
even though I portray myself this way.
Easier to hide
behind a sinister mask
than brimming with bright smiles
allowing the hurt
to become a dull throb
one I cannot placate.
Never crumble
never fall
ideas ingrained in my mind
not worth it
undeserving
voices playing over and over again.
Happiness
ever fleeting
skims through my life
touching lightly
only to bounce off
leaving me bereft
clutching at faded memories
of time we spent.
Hopelessness
sadness
raging pain
loss
fear
the emotions I live with
every day.
Does it get better?
Does it ever end?
This feeling of……
nothingness.
©Jay-lyn Doerkson
July 8/18

Performing Monkey

He sits lost

the throne of bones

swallowing his frame.

Sallow skin sags

a skull wearing a face

despair

a solid cloak

wrapped around the dismal man.

Once so great

once the golden boy

the fall from grace

a harsh lesson to be learned.

Gregarious

chummy

every man’s best bud

truth eventually rises

exposing the darkness beneath.

Tumbling down the hill

lost

nary a man

running to protect him.

Reaching too high

without a moral compass

without regard for any

but one’s self

Believing none will touch

none will dare speak

made the fall all that much sweeter

for those plundered

abused

torn apart.

Now a performing monkey

sitting upon the throne of bones

the man awaits……..

the next show starts at two.

 

 

 

Fall In….Fall Out…

Falling in love
it takes a time or two
before you see the benefits
before you see the truth.
Falling out of love
can be done gradually
taken over time
or it can end just like that.
It took a lot of bravery
to tell the one I loved
that indeed I did love him.
It took a lot of courage
to reach out and say
I would regret it if I didn’t.
Now though
the pain diminishes
each time the messaage is not yours.
The hurt
the expectations
that feeling in the pit of my stomach
all disappeared.
No longer do I feel sorry for myself
but I sure do feel sorry for you
’cause honey I am the bomb
and I could have blown up your world.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
June 6/18

 

Photo by Dani Vivanco on Unsplash